Loss

I got the news yesterday that a very dear friend of mine from Juneau died last night in a fishing accident. We met in the 7th grade at Juneau Christian School. He quickly became a great friend. He was my first crush after moving to Juneau... He asked me to my junior prom and I turned him down to go with another friend of mine who ended up ditching me to go get drunk and stoned, so Toby hung out with me.... We went to the same church for many years... I know he is with the Lord right now, but I am devastated. He just got married less than 6 months ago. He was an avid outdoors-man, hunter, fisherman, etc. So full of life.....
Former Juneau resident perishes in Thorne River
A former Juneau resident died in a fishing accident on Prince of Wales Island Tuesday.

Greg Wilkinson of the Alaska State Troopers says they were notified at about 6 p.m. of a drowning in the Thorne River at Thorne Bay.

He says responding Troopers learned that 28 year old Toby Coate attempted to cross the river to stretch a net for subsistence fishing.

He became tired in the cold water and lost hold of the net. Wilkinson says he went under, came up once, but went under again and did not resurface.

People on the shore went in to the river, found him, and pulled him to shore.

Emergency medical technicians who were called to the scene attempted to resuscitate him without success.

He was pronounced deceased at about 6:45.

Coate is the son of Ken and Barbara Coate of Juneau. He has two sisters, Amanda and Katy, who also reside in Juneau.

He was married earlier this year.

Coate and his wife Emily decided to reside in Thorne Bay. They had partnered with a local mill to start a new company called Goose Creek Log Cabins.

Coate attended the University of Alaska Southeast in Juneau and at one time was the student body president.

He studied Marine Biology.

Please keep his family in your prayers.

I Heard! Thanks!

So, the ex and his wife just welcomed their child into the world a week ago today. The announcement was just posted in the Juneau Empire today and all of the sudden everyone is worried about me and asking if I've seen it.

Yes, I was informed. I have seen the announcement and I am okay with the news. After all, I've had 9 months to prepare myself for it. I'm sure Alan will be a great father. I am happy for his family as they could use a little bundle of joy to brighten their worlds in light of a recent tragedy in the family. For my friends who pray - please continue to keep that family in your prayers.

It's not like I have no emotion about it at all - of course I do - but I'm not devastated or anything like that. In fact, the only thing that hit a nerve was the baby's name - and that only because it was the name we always talked about... the name he always wanted if he ever had a kid, but it's his family's name so there you have it. We never had a child (thank God) and now he does and I'm glad he chose to honor his family by choosing that name.

Alright - so now that that is taken care of... I'm going to a Hank Williams III concert tonight. I think it's gonna be a great show - even if I do end up going alone. I have a potential date for the show (no - not a guy date - a friend date), but if she cancels last minute then alone I shall go. ;o)

Anxiety

I have been having these crazy anxiety attacks lately - especially when I'm about to walk into a room that I know is full of people. I used to be a very shy person, but ever since my divorce, I've really been able to step out and be a lot more outgoing. In fact, most of the friends that I have here are people that I have met in the last 2 years. The ability to meet people and make friends is one of the things that I like about myself... So, why, all of a sudden, am I dealing with anxiety around people?! Frustrating. It's irrational.

I haven't written much lately, but reading back through a few of my most recent posts, I feel like I've come a long way. I'm frustrated with a few circumstances in my life, but I'm really doing okay...

Well, gotta get to church! Those of you who are praying for me - please continue to do so. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need it. Praise God!

Two Years

Today, March 23rd, 2006, I have been divorced for exactly 2 years. I have conflicting feelings about that right now. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I feel like I should be better, totally over him and healed by now. But it still hurts. Not as intensly and not as often, but the pain is still there. I still think about him every day. Many days I still miss him - miss my friend, my confidant, my lover, my cuddle-buddy, my travel partner...

Some days I am so grateful for my freedom and feel like I've accepted my losses. I know that there is life after divorce and I am LIVING it!!! I even sometimes feel sorry for my friends who are married and have kids because their lives are not their own. They have to answer to someone and their every move affects someone else. Not so with me...

I haven't cried today. I haven't had time to reflect or be sad because I've been so busy up until this moment. Off to Bible Study now. Hopefully I can keep my emotions under control tonight.

My Eyes Are Dry

My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me

But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood
~ ~Keith Green's Lyrics from "My Eyes Are Dry"

My sister posted this in her blog and it touched me deeply. I haven't heard this song in years, but it seems to accurately describe how I feel right now. I know it's gotta be because of sin in my life - it's the only thing that separates me from my Lord and I feel so far away from Him right now.

Great Weekend

Last week was not a good one. Okay, so coming back from Mexico is ALWAYS hard and it seems I have the worst weeks at work right after a vacation. But this was worse than normal. I get back to town and they tell me that they are moving my desk AGAIN! This is my 8th desk move in the 14 months that I've been at this job. I had 7 within the first 9 months so I guess I should be thankful that I have had the past 5 months in one spot. I swear, I feel like Milton on Office Space. Next thing I know, they are going to be putting me in the basement, expecting me to take care of the roach and rat problem and conveniently "forget" to tell me I've been let go - so I'll be working and not get a paycheck! I'll be darned if I let them get a hold of my stapler though!!!!! Seriously, I looked for a red Swingline stapler the other day and they are like $22! I may have to get one anyway. For those of you who haven't seen the movie - RENT IT!

On a happy note, I got to travel over the weekend! My friend, Natasha, in Vancouver, Washington turned 30 on Saturday so she was having a birthday cocktail party. I decided to drive over on Saturday morning (got there at 3:30) and had a wonderful time with her little baby and then got to meet lots of her friends. She knows so many quality people. It's always a little hard to visit her only because her and her husband were one of mine and Alan's good "couple friends." But they were my friends first and Alan doesn't speak to them anymore. They hate him anyway, so it doesn't hurt their feelings any. But anyways, I just really had a good time. I left there around 3:30 after a quick stop at Trader Joe's and decided to cross the Columbia and drive the Washington side. What fun! I had never taken that road back so I stopped a lot and took a ton of pictures and played tourist. Then, around 6:30, I decided to stop at this little bar and grill on the side of the road in this tiny town in the middle of no where. Roosevelt, Washington - population: 79. I walked in and ordered a beer and asked for a menu. After pointing to the wall, where their menu hung, all of the 7 people in the place came up and introduced themselves to me. 2 married couples, one in their 40's or early 50's, one in their 60's, a lesbian couple in their late 40's and a single guy in his mid to late 40's. They were the nicest people ever and just really made me feel welcome. Apparently, Tuesday night is the night to be there. They have $10 steaks that are supposedly amazing - and huge. I told them I'd have to make the drive down some Tuesday night for dinner. It's 3 hours away, but it's as good excuse as any to get outta town for a bit. I now have a new favorite sandwich. It's called the Pig-A-Fire. Picture this: start with a big piece of toast, then add a layer of mozzarella cheese and a layer of jalapenos. Then add another piece of toast and a layer of cheddar cheese, a layer of ham and a layer of bacon and top it off with a 3rd piece of toast. YUMMY!!!! OMG! It was so good. So, if any of you ever stop in Roosevelt, WA - you gotta stop by M&T's Bar and Grill! They'll treat you right! One of them bought me a beer and we all just sat around shootin' the breeze for a while. The owner gave me a t-shirt and a Sharpie so I could write on the t-shirt the date and the name of the establishment (since the shirts were misprinted). They even offered to take me out fishing on the Columbia when the weather gets warmer. I am SOOO taking them up on that offer! I'll probably head over there sometime in the next month or two on a Tuesday night. This is what I love about traveling - stopping in some old tavern in a small town in the middle of no where, making friends with the locals and forgetting about my life for just a moment - hearing about their lives, the town gossip and being accepted for who I am. They thought me a little crazy for doing all that travelin' alone, but they are good people - even tried to get me to move there. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I truly LOVED my life. That's happiness right there.

I can't wait to be out of debt and actually be able to save up some money. I just don't get to travel as often as I would like.

Is this the way it's going to be?

So, I met this guy the other day. We have been talking A LOT since we met - on the phone, by text messages and even in person. I really started to be interested. So, today, I realized that we had briefly talked about my divorce, but had not touched on his situation. I asked if he had kids and he said he had 4. So I said, "so I assume that you have been married before..." He said, "you assume correctly." When I asked how long he'd been divorced he got really quiet... and then he said that he's still married!!!

I feel really let down and a whole bunch of other things. I'm really irritated. I finally let my guard down for an instant and think that there really are good guys out there - people who are genuine and kind who are actually interested in ME... and then this. I'm disappointed. More on that later...

I'm driving to Vancouver, WA today for my friend's 30th birthday party. Can't wait to see her