Anniversary

So... for our "anniversary," Ken did good! He made plans for me to go to Zi Spa for their Heart & Sole treatment. I enjoyed an amazing one-hour massage, followed by a glass of wine and a pedicure. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that! Since being laid off in January and finally getting a job, but making less money than I have in many years, I haven't spent any money on pampering myself.

Funny thing is, my plan for an anniversary gift was a couple's massage at the same spa the next day! So, we're still going to do it, but it'll just be later... I think it's kind of funny how much alike we think. I can't tell you how many times one of us will say exactly what the other is thinking... or we'll send a similar text to each other at the same time. It's just weird.

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating. I brought home the "test performance review" I'm supposed to be working on for the gal I supervise. I haven't had to give a PR in over 5 years, but I can tell already that I don't like writing them any more now than I did before. :)

So, instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm playing on facebook, getting caught up on reading my friend's blog entries and watching a re-run of the Academy of Country Music Awards. I'm house sitting so I actually have internet access and cable. I'm not sure how I can be expected to do anything productive when I've been going through tv/internet withdrawals.

So, how am I? I'm being tormented by my demons... telling me that no man is trustworthy, that I am inadequate, that I will never be enough (pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, desirable enough.... just ENOUGH). Yesterday was the anniversary of my first date with Ken. Some days I can't believe we have been together this long. I can't believe I have stayed this long. It's so much easier to walk away than to forgive and be open and vulnerable. I can't believe he's stuck by my side in spite of all my walls and doubt. He's been in Moses Lake for a week now... and I'm just taking it one day at a time. It's the only way I keep any shred of sanity.

I know I'm blessed and I try to focus on the positive in my daily life... So, in the words of Louisa May Alcott, "I will make a battering-ram of my head and make my way through this rough and tumble world."

Long Distance

I REALLY need to get internet service at home. And soon, I'll be forced to, I think.

So, for those who don't know, my boyfriend of just about a year was offered a promotion that will take him to Moses Lake. While Moses Lake is only an hour and a half away, I'm still really struggling with this. I go from being okay with it to being angry (irrational, I know), to just being downright sad. I did a pretty damn good job of keeping my walls up for soooo long. And the moment I let it down and allow myself to fall in love, he moves away. I've always said I will NEVER even consider a long distance relationship again. I have a hard enough time trusting someone when I see them every day. But that's old news, I guess. At any rate, I spent last Saturday house hunting with him and the place sucks big hairy elephant balls. No really, it does! I was expecting a fairly cute, small town but there is nothing cute about it. It's a HOLE! And the crime rate is surprisingly high. I keep hearing horror stories about gang activity, drive by shootings and break ins from the new 911 supervisor we hired from there. Okay, that is something I would expect in, say, Phoenix or even Tacoma, but a town of under 19,000? WTF?! Ugh.

I'm really just trying to stay calm and balanced and not get overly emotional about anything. Deep down I know that what is meant to be, will be. And normally I take comfort in that. Right now, however, I am having a hard time letting go. We'll do the long distance thing for a while and continue to take it one day at a time. He'll probably be moving right before Thanksgiving and I'll probably be spending every weekend there with him, as long as weather doesn't keep me home. Which means I'll have to find a church in Moses Lake... But I'll stop myself before I ramble too much.

Simply put, I'm scared.

Little White Lies

Little white lies about seemingly unimportant things are still lies. They still hurt. They still break trust. They still damage the relationship. Why do people take that chance?

Love

"Love keeps no record of wrongs...."

Struggling here....

The Best Friend

So, Ken's best friend is in town. She lives in Iowa with her husband and a couple of kids, but her family is still in Spokane so she is here for a visit. I know her opinion means a lot to him. I hope I make a good impression on her. I don't know why I always get this social anxiety when I know I'm going to meet new people. I went out alone last night for the first time in a long time and met a few people and had no problem talking to them, no anxiety... I guess it's different if you really don't care what people think of you.
I am excited to meet her though... and I'm even more excited about Olive Garden. Yay for yummy salad and breadsticks.

It's been a boring week... Ready for some excitement in my life!!!

Fraud

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like any day people will start to realize that I'm not who they think I am. I wonder when my bosses will realize I'm not the competent, intelligent person they think I am. Or that the man in my life will open his eyes and realize what a silly, overweight, needy, scared, weak girl I am instead if the strong, beautiful, independent, confident woman he thinks I am. Or that my friends will realize what a selfish, boring person I am instead if the fun-loving, caring, trustworthy friend they see.