Saturday, July 2, 2005

What's up, lonely?

I'm a walking contradiction. I am so tired of being alone. I love being alone.

It's hard for me to believe it's been a year and a half since my husband walked out the door, never to return. Less than 3 months later, I was divorced. I've been to 50 states and 2 other countries since then and have met some incredible people. I've had complete strangers walk up to me and tell me that I am beautiful and a couple who have just walked up and kissed me - out of the blue. Since I was 16, I haven't been single for more than a 6-month period. Before I was married, I loved being single. I was independent and spontaneous and I felt whole, alive and in control. Now is a different story. It's sad to be alone now. I am more spontaneous than I've ever been and I do enjoy certain aspects of my solitude most days. But not today. Maybe part if my problem today is that I'm horny. It's been a year and a half since the last time I had sex. I think I'm one of the few remaining old fashioned girls when it comes to that. I can not have sex just for sex. It means something to me. It's an act of expressing my love - of giving myself to another - bonding with them. It's intimate and not something that I think should be casual. But, damn it, I miss it. I crave it. It doesn't help that I can hear my roommates having sex or having my married friends talk about it all the time. I want to be held tightly, feel safe. I want to be kissed gently, then with passion. I want to look into his eyes and trust. I want to be able to be open, soft and vulnerable - and know that he feels the same way. Sometimes I wish I could be the casual sex person. I wish it wasn't such a big deal to me. But it is. I've learned that there is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. It's not the "alone" that bothers me. I guess a more accurate statement is that I am tired of being lonely.

So that brings me to another train of thought and more questions. Why is it so hard to meet guys? Not just guys - quality men. Where does one find a quality man? I don't go to school, the guys at work are married for the most part (but I probably wouldn't date a coworker anyway), my church is so small and only one single guy currently attends (not interested), the guys I've met in bars are mostly losers (surprise, surprise) and the guys at the gym are way too busy looking at themselves in the mirror to notice anyone else around them. I am still a little wary of online dating. What happened to the days where you got to know each other on dates, and talking on the phone. It seems so unpersonal to get to know someone online. These are things I never thought I'd have to worry about. I remember when i was married, I had a single friend who asked these questions and I felt sorry for her because I didn't know the answer. Now, here I am, asking the same questions. I really don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not one to turn heads either. I'm "just one of the guys" to my male friends and maybe that's part of my problem. I'm not highly fashionable and hate shopping so maybe I don't dress as trendy as I could. I'm a jeans and t-shirt girl - not very high maintenance. I like to look nice and dress up occasionally, but my lifestyle doesn't call for formality very often, if at all. Besides that, I don't want someone to like me for the way I dress or how I look. Don't get me wrong, I want to feel attractive and to be viewed as such, but I want someone to be interested in ME, in WHO I AM. Is that unreasonable? Are there guys out there who aren't just interested in sex, but in a meaningful relationship, a partnership? Are there guys out there who aren't shallow and superficial, who don't cringe at a woman who isn't anorexic? When I finally do give myself to another man, will he use me and throw me away? Or will he stick around? I guess I'm feeling a lot of things today - insecurity, frustration, confused, etc.

I miss passion and intimacy. I miss the comfort of knowing love and loving in return. I miss the quiet days with no expectations, just enjoying each others company. I wish I had someone to walk with me by the lake, holding my hand and enjoying just being with me.