Thursday, March 23, 2006

Two Years

Today, March 23rd, 2006, I have been divorced for exactly 2 years. I have conflicting feelings about that right now. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I feel like I should be better, totally over him and healed by now. But it still hurts. Not as intensly and not as often, but the pain is still there. I still think about him every day. Many days I still miss him - miss my friend, my confidant, my lover, my cuddle-buddy, my travel partner...

Some days I am so grateful for my freedom and feel like I've accepted my losses. I know that there is life after divorce and I am LIVING it!!! I even sometimes feel sorry for my friends who are married and have kids because their lives are not their own. They have to answer to someone and their every move affects someone else. Not so with me...

I haven't cried today. I haven't had time to reflect or be sad because I've been so busy up until this moment. Off to Bible Study now. Hopefully I can keep my emotions under control tonight.

My Eyes Are Dry

My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me

But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood
~ ~Keith Green's Lyrics from "My Eyes Are Dry"

My sister posted this in her blog and it touched me deeply. I haven't heard this song in years, but it seems to accurately describe how I feel right now. I know it's gotta be because of sin in my life - it's the only thing that separates me from my Lord and I feel so far away from Him right now.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Great Weekend

Last week was not a good one. Okay, so coming back from Mexico is ALWAYS hard and it seems I have the worst weeks at work right after a vacation. But this was worse than normal. I get back to town and they tell me that they are moving my desk AGAIN! This is my 8th desk move in the 14 months that I've been at this job. I had 7 within the first 9 months so I guess I should be thankful that I have had the past 5 months in one spot. I swear, I feel like Milton on Office Space. Next thing I know, they are going to be putting me in the basement, expecting me to take care of the roach and rat problem and conveniently "forget" to tell me I've been let go - so I'll be working and not get a paycheck! I'll be darned if I let them get a hold of my stapler though!!!!! Seriously, I looked for a red Swingline stapler the other day and they are like $22! I may have to get one anyway. For those of you who haven't seen the movie - RENT IT!

On a happy note, I got to travel over the weekend! My friend, Natasha, in Vancouver, Washington turned 30 on Saturday so she was having a birthday cocktail party. I decided to drive over on Saturday morning (got there at 3:30) and had a wonderful time with her little baby and then got to meet lots of her friends. She knows so many quality people. It's always a little hard to visit her only because her and her husband were one of mine and Alan's good "couple friends." But they were my friends first and Alan doesn't speak to them anymore. They hate him anyway, so it doesn't hurt their feelings any. But anyways, I just really had a good time. I left there around 3:30 after a quick stop at Trader Joe's and decided to cross the Columbia and drive the Washington side. What fun! I had never taken that road back so I stopped a lot and took a ton of pictures and played tourist. Then, around 6:30, I decided to stop at this little bar and grill on the side of the road in this tiny town in the middle of no where. Roosevelt, Washington - population: 79. I walked in and ordered a beer and asked for a menu. After pointing to the wall, where their menu hung, all of the 7 people in the place came up and introduced themselves to me. 2 married couples, one in their 40's or early 50's, one in their 60's, a lesbian couple in their late 40's and a single guy in his mid to late 40's. They were the nicest people ever and just really made me feel welcome. Apparently, Tuesday night is the night to be there. They have $10 steaks that are supposedly amazing - and huge. I told them I'd have to make the drive down some Tuesday night for dinner. It's 3 hours away, but it's as good excuse as any to get outta town for a bit. I now have a new favorite sandwich. It's called the Pig-A-Fire. Picture this: start with a big piece of toast, then add a layer of mozzarella cheese and a layer of jalapenos. Then add another piece of toast and a layer of cheddar cheese, a layer of ham and a layer of bacon and top it off with a 3rd piece of toast. YUMMY!!!! OMG! It was so good. So, if any of you ever stop in Roosevelt, WA - you gotta stop by M&T's Bar and Grill! They'll treat you right! One of them bought me a beer and we all just sat around shootin' the breeze for a while. The owner gave me a t-shirt and a Sharpie so I could write on the t-shirt the date and the name of the establishment (since the shirts were misprinted). They even offered to take me out fishing on the Columbia when the weather gets warmer. I am SOOO taking them up on that offer! I'll probably head over there sometime in the next month or two on a Tuesday night. This is what I love about traveling - stopping in some old tavern in a small town in the middle of no where, making friends with the locals and forgetting about my life for just a moment - hearing about their lives, the town gossip and being accepted for who I am. They thought me a little crazy for doing all that travelin' alone, but they are good people - even tried to get me to move there. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I truly LOVED my life. That's happiness right there.

I can't wait to be out of debt and actually be able to save up some money. I just don't get to travel as often as I would like.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Is this the way it's going to be?

So, I met this guy the other day. We have been talking A LOT since we met - on the phone, by text messages and even in person. I really started to be interested. So, today, I realized that we had briefly talked about my divorce, but had not touched on his situation. I asked if he had kids and he said he had 4. So I said, "so I assume that you have been married before..." He said, "you assume correctly." When I asked how long he'd been divorced he got really quiet... and then he said that he's still married!!!

I feel really let down and a whole bunch of other things. I'm really irritated. I finally let my guard down for an instant and think that there really are good guys out there - people who are genuine and kind who are actually interested in ME... and then this. I'm disappointed. More on that later...

I'm driving to Vancouver, WA today for my friend's 30th birthday party. Can't wait to see her

Monday, March 6, 2006


I'm back from Mexico. It was a good trip over all, but definitely dampened by sickness and injuries. The morning after I got there, I woke up with strep throat and couldn't swallow or talk very well. Lots of pain, fever, etc. NOT my idea of a relaxing vacation. The first few days I was simply miserable. I finally found a "doctor" who gave me some antibiotics and a couple days later, I was feeling a bit better. My older brother wrecked his rented motor scooter and had to go to the emergency room to get stitches. The closest hospital was a town or two away and they didn't speak English and the medical facilities are less than stellar. Not very sanitary.
At any rate, I did get some sun - maybe I'll post a picture or two soon - if I ever get around to it. It was nice to be away from work for a while. I got back Friday morning, but my computer has been in the shop. Finally have it back so I'll be around a little more often.
Now I'm on the apartment hunt. Feels like I just did this!!! Hopefully I'll be able to find somewhere decent that I can afford. I just hate signing leases because then I feel trapped. Yuck. Oh well, keep me in your prayers.