Tuesday, September 18, 2007

There but for the grace of God, go I.

This afternoon as everyone was filing out of the office to head home, soccer practice, football practice, dinner or wherever it is that they all go, someone noticed a man lying in the middle of the street just about a block up from where I work. A lot of cars were stopped and people staring from the sidewalks. One of my friends walked up there to find out what was going on and if she could help.

Turns out, some guy decided life wasn't worth living any longer and he walked out into the middle of the busiest street in Spokane at the busiest time of the day (Division Street at rush hour) and just laid down, hoping to be hit by some vehicle hard enough to end his life. People stopped and were trying to talk him into moving, but he refused, so a couple of guys picked him up and moved him to the sidewalk and called the police.

I'd be lying if I said I never contemplated ending my life. Yes, I know it's selfish and cowardly, but I know that place of hopelessness and despair. Thankfully though, someone has reached out to me in those midnight moments and loved me, prayed for me, offered me a helping hand and gave me a glimmer of hope. When you hit rock bottom, you have two choices - lie there and wait for death or pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up, step by painful step. Sometimes my life is difficult or sad and there are times that I feel like such a failure - like I've made all the wrong decisions, screwed up too bad and too many times, hurt too many people and am not worthy of love, forgiveness or even the air that I breathe. There are days that I wonder if I will end up homeless; days when I believe I would be disowned by my friends and family if they really knew the "real" me and days when I can't blame the drunk passed out on the sidewalk because of all the times I, myself, have looked to the bottle to escape from reality, numb my pain or quiet my mind. I see it every day - the glazed eyes, blank stares of empty souls. And my heart goes out to them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Big time family drama. I feel powerless.

Friend is going through a rough time. I feel powerless.

My financial situation is overwhelming me lately. I feel powerless.

My closest friends are increasingly disgruntled with their jobs, marriages, lives, etc. I feel powerless.

And I need some sleep. Damn this insomnia!

Ever just wish someone would wrap you up tight and tell you they love you and it's okay to be powerless?

I shed a tear last night... just one. First one in over 6 months.