Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving

I am thankful for family - biological as well as those friends who have become my extended family.
I am thankful that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, forgives me and daily shows me his grace & mercy.
I am thankful for solitude to decompress, de-stress and relax.
I am thankful for this journey and ALL that it entails - good times and bad, sickness and health, joy and sorrow, beauty and pain.
I am thankful for a full life - rich in experiences, full of love...
I am thankful for THIS moment.
I am thankful for YOU - and for this safe place where I don't have to "weigh thoughts or measure words." I can just let them flow, without fear of judgment or broken trust.

I am off in search of pie - or a hot seasonal drink...

Monday, November 24, 2008


What a lovely evening. I so didn't want it to end...

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Laundry Day & A Welcome Distraction

Laundry day. Laundry facilities are in the basement. Storage unit is also in the basement. Needed to organize storage unit to make room for more boxes, my window AC unit and other stuff I wont need this winter. Storage unit = boxes I should not be going through = memories I should not be stirring up = the uncontrolable urge to get as far away from this apartment and those boxes as possible.

I grabbed my laundry and came upstairs to my apartment and lo and behold - an invitation via instant message... from my crush... to come over for Survivor & CSI (tv night). As soon as I hang my laundry, I'm grabbing a bottle of wine and heading over. This will be a pleasant distraction from some painful memories... (what was I thinking opening that damned box?! It's clearly marked...)

I did find a quote from a movie (can't remember which one at the moment) that I had written down on a little yellow piece of paper about 9 or 10 years ago... It was very meaningful to me at the time - and it struck a chord again today.

"True love can not be found where it does not truly exist. Nor can it be hidden where it truly does."

Peace! I'm outta here.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


So yeah... my totally ridiculous school-girl crush and I talked for almost 5 hours on messenger this evening. Whoa! And it was deep, serious conversation...
So - needless to say, I accomplished absolutely NOTHING I was supposed to do tonight. Another day of no clean laundry & a mess house. Crap - I have to at least clean up a bit since the property management is coming in tomorrow to test the smoke detectors.

Another late night... but oh so worth it. I needed it - today was not a great day at work. Very - VERY stressful.

Monday, November 17, 2008


I have a totally ridiculous school-girl crush. Yep. That's right folks. A harmless, silly, immature crush.

Not to worry - I'll never tell him. He is, after all, one of my buddies. We play poker and cribbage together, drink together and text message each other all day long to alleviate some of the boredom and make the days go by a little faster.

It's kinda fun because I simply don't care how he feels in return. I don't need him to like me. I don't feel pressured to feel strongly for him. I can just enjoy his company and the lightly flirtatious banter and keep it uncomplicated. I really like uncomplicated.


Seeing a picture of my baby nephew with his humongous cheeks and beautiful, heart-warming toothless smile.

A beautiful toddler reaching out her arms to me, wanting to be held after taking a fall. And her huge grin when I swung her around.

A little girl, walking down the street in her plaid skirt & beanie - long curly hair bouncing with each step - holding tightly to her daddy's hand.

A young girl with a punk-rock-ish style dancing to the music on her ipod as she walked along - seemingly oblivious to the rest of the world.

Waving at a passing firetruck and all four young men inside craning their necks and waving back with big smiles.

A group of guys standing outside a sports bar, laughing - taking a break from watching football to have a smoke.

A middle-aged couple dropping another couple off at their car - warm, friendly embraces all around before parting ways.

A woman opening up to me, a stranger, about the stress and weariness from being her mother's caretaker - who clearly was so desperate & grateful to have someone listen to her.

An elderly lady in the passenger seat of a car - holding her little sweater-clad puppy.

The toothless smile of an old, homeless man with the greatest smile lines around his kind eyes.

These are things that made me smile today. I wish I had my camera to capture each of these moments. I wish I could have stopped and talked to each and every one of these people in depth. I wondered about their lives, their families and even what their day would hold. Were they happy? Were they strong? Do they know how much they are loved? Why were they where they were in that moment?

Life is so beautiful - at every stage - from the toothless smile of an innocent baby who has yet to experience heartbreak, love, joy, sorrow, failure, success, shame, pride, loss or gain to the weathered smile of one with a lifetime of these experiences. Sometimes life is so unspeakably painful and it's hard to see any beauty through the smoke and ashes. Sometimes life is chaotic - there seems to be no rhyme or reason, no consistency or continuity, no symmetry or sense. Sometimes life is simply a mess. But from the right vantage point, with the right perspective, it all comes together and makes sense and is truly, breathtakingly beautiful.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Out of the mouths of babes...

Rough week at work - lots of stress, layoffs, uncertainty and more stress. It's been one of the toughest weeks I've seen since I started this job almost 4 years ago.

I came home to write, unwind, declutter my mind & untangle my emotions. I was feeling pretty low and felt like crying... or drinking heavily... or medicating in some other unhealthy way.

Then Amanda calls to see what I'm doing. Her 2 1/2 year old daughter, Sophia, says something in the background.

Amanda: Honey, just a minute, I'm talking to Sandra - she had a bad day.
Sophia: I talk to Sanna
Amanda: Okay - here ya go.
Sophia: Hi! Sanna?
Me: Hey Sophia! How are you?
Sophia: I love you Sanna!
Me: (choking back tears) Awww... I love you too Sophia!
Sophia: I in choo-choo train... Pancakes.
Me: You are?? Are you at Frank's Diner?
Sophia: Yes. Fwanks. Choo-choo train. Um... Sanna?
Me: Yes honey?
Sophia: I love you!
Me: Thank you. I love you too.

How sweet is that? Seriously - Obviously God knew I needed a little pick me up and exactly who to send. I love that SGB!!! She lights up my life more than she'll ever know.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

From the Archives

After a particularly rough day, one of my favorite things to do is run a hot bubble bath, light some candles, put on some music, pour myself a glass of wine and just soak. Today was one of those days, but by the time I got home it was late and I almost put it off for another day. Then I was reminded that I need to make time for simple pleasures. So... I did. I made time. Who was I trying to fool? It's not like I would have fallen asleep anyway.

While sitting in the tub, glass of wine in hand, I was reminded of something I wrote a couple years ago, so I dug it out of the archives, dusted off the cobwebs and decided to post it. It fits tonight (except my hair color has changed.)

The bathroom door stands open, long chestnut brown hair cascades over the end of the claw-foot tub. Her arms rest lightly on the sides. Painted toes... Her long, tan legs, crossed at the ankles, heels resting on the faucet, look lean and defined in the warm glow of flickering candlelight. Legs bent at the knees, water droplets slide down to where her strong shapely thighs disappear into the white gardenia scented bubbles. Her body enveloped in the foam. Her cheeks rosy and lips plump from the hot steam. Her neck, shoulders and collar bones glistening, just a hint of her ample bosom visible as her chest heaves with every deep breath.

Relaxed, she stares at the ceiling as the sultry voice of Norah Jones drifts through the air. The lyrics unheard as thoughts fill her mind. Weary from the person she has to be, she disrobes of the strength, confidence, bravado that she wears all day. She tries to rid her mind of the confusion, jealousy, sadness, stress... He occupies her thoughts.

Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Her eyes closed, her lips turned up in an ever so slight smile. As she slowly opens her eyes, a deep, dark sadness shows in the windows of her soul. Lying there in the bath, she feels feminine, sexy, beautiful. Yet she is fully aware of the raw emotion just under the surface. She is hot. Passion surges deep within. She is ready. Affected. It is wasted. Alone. She is naked, vulnerable. She aches. The emptiness and solitude is suffocating. Inhale. Hold. Exhale.

Oblivious to how much time has passed, she stands up, rinses off the suds and wraps herself in a soft towel. As she steps over the edge of the tub, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. What she sees in her eyes is almost unbearable to look at. She slips into a black sheer robe and walks to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. Knowing that she only wants to numb herself before she falls asleep, alone in her bed, she stops, sets the bottle down and fills a tall glass with cold water instead. She knows she needs to feel.

Most days she enjoys her life, cherishes her freedom and independence. She tells herself that she doesn't need or want a man in her life. She is a free spirit, spontaneous, carefree. Most days, she is sincerely content alone. Yet, tonight she avoids the grocery store and the kitchen for there is no sense in cooking for one. Tonight, the moon senses melancholy.

She slips off the robe and crawls into bed, between cold sheets. As she lies her head on the pillow, she curls her legs in and shivers for a minute until the weight of the comforter warms her. She longs for the feel of his strong arms drawing her into his chest, holding her, protecting her, as she drifts into a peaceful sleep. Instead, she wraps herself around an over-sized pillow and allows her heartache to overtake her. She will not sleep well tonight, but she has become accustomed to the restlessness that defines her.

She'll awake in the morning, put the walls back up, cover up the wounds and robe herself with strength, humor, confidence and compassion. She'll make everyone around her feel important, supported and loved, focusing on them instead of collapsing into herself. She knows she'll be a little stronger tomorrow night.

How I wish I could paint (or sculpt)...

Monday, November 10, 2008

Lost in the Clutter

I've had a lot on my mind and I'm having a hard time sorting through the clutter. The only thing that generally helps me sort through all the clutter in my head and the aching in my heart is writing. Yet, I've been distracted and when I do have time, I don't know where to start. It all seems to want to flow when I'm sitting at my computer at the office with a little free time on my hands, but since they are now monitoring everything we do on our computers at work, I refrain. I don't care if they see me on other non-work-related sites because my job is flexible and they know they are getting far more than the 8 hours a day I get paid for. As long as the work gets done, my boss doesn't care what I do, but I don't necessarily want them to read my blogs. It's the one place where I can say what I need to say - get it all off my chest - without worrying about it being used against me or thrown back in my face.

I've felt incredibly lonely lately. I miss my family. I miss the sense of belonging. I miss the feeling of "home." A friend pointed out recently that I never call anywhere "home." I talk about visiting my family or going to Juneau, but I never call it home. I'll say I am at my apartment or that I have to run back to my place for something, but never call it home. "Where is home?" he asks. I don't know the answer to that.

I went to dinner last night with "L". She and her husband recently separated and she was talking about how wonderful she feels and how well she's doing. We talked a little about marriage, relationships, re-entering the dating world, etc. She said that she can't imagine herself in a relationship for a very long time because for the first time in her life she is learning about who she is and what she wants. She says she will never settle again. She has not yet experienced a weak moment or loneliness... That deep, sad, excruciating loneliness is sometimes enough to break even the strongest person and tempts them to settle for good-enough. I've been teetering myself for quite some time. Never thought I'd see the day...

After dinner, the waiter brought the check and I paid with my card. I noticed midway through signing my name that I was signing my married name. I've been divorced for over 4 1/2 years and changed my name back to my maiden name over 2 1/2 years ago, but here I was signing Sandra Rollings... Oops. WTF? Where did that come from? I haven't accidentally signed my married name in God knows how long. I tried to laugh it off, but it really bothered me. Let it go, Sandra... Just let it go...

Men - I have my share of crushes... even people I'll allow myself to go on a few dates with to get to know better, but who all eventually end up in the friend zone. There are the men who stay fairly close to me so that when my heart does become available, they're there to try to be the first to capture it. Then there are relationships I've had in the past who all seem to be resurfacing at the same time. "B" moved back to Seattle from North Carolina and is trying to reconnect. "M" is calling me almost daily lately, begging me to come to Sacramento for Thanksgiving - even offering to pay half my way. Even "M" has resurfaced with all of his addicting qualities. Thankfully "J" is keeping his distance.

I miss sex. A lot!!!! I've even tried to reason the justification of a friends with benefits scenario that has been offered. I'd be lying if I said this isn't tempting me. Yes me! The strong, independent, stick-to-your-convictions girl that I am... I'm tempted to have "meaningless" sex with someone I trust simply to satisfy a physical need... or desire. If there were truly a potential future relationship prospect in my life right now, I don't think it would be as bad. I'm one of those that has to be in a committed relationship with someone I respect, trust and LOVE before I give it up. I've been taken advantage of and I've felt the emptiness of going too far with someone I didn't love and both are horrible feelings that I don't care to re-live. Sometimes I wish I could be a sex-is-just-sex girl. But I've never been that girl. I do believe it's worth the wait... and I KNOW I'm worth waiting for... but I'm definitely having a moments of weakness lately.

So much more on my mind still, but I'm in pain and need to go find a muscle relaxer... and then I need to clean cluttered room. :) Anything to get my mind off S-E-X.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Election Day

I am disappointed (though, not surprised) by the election results this evening... gut-sick actually.

I know that nothing happens that isn't already known by the Creator, but my heart is grieved that someone who so boldly and openly supports some of the very things that God abhors is about to become leader of our great nation. God help us all...

And God help Obama... No better time than the present to start praying for our country and protection and wisdom for our leaders. It's going to be an interesting four years and although I am hoping for the best, I must admit that I'm worried. But you know what? At the end of today... and at the beginning of tomorrow - God is STILL God! He is STILL in control...

I am looking forward to things quieting down now. At least there will be no more campaign commercials and posters everywhere. Soon, the high will wear off of the Obama supporters and we'll be back to business as usual. Chaange is coming... And when it does, we will adapt. I have no doubt that some of it will even be much needed and good change. But I believe there are some changes for the worse coming around the corner faster than we know.

On the positive side, history has been made. Our country has come a long way from the grievous acts that were the norm even just a few generations ago. That is progress. My dislike, or rather mistrust, of Mr. Obama has nothing to do with his race. It has everything to do with his politics, his agenda, what he stands for as well as my own convictions and gut instinct about him. I have no respect for the decision to vote for or against someone simply because of their gender or the color of their skin.

And on that note, I must try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

2 Chronicles 7:14

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Wedding Date

A little over a month ago, I received an invitation to a friend's wedding. When he contacted me for my address, I was more than a little surprised to hear that he was getting married, even though for as long as I've known him, he's wanted to get married (this is the 3rd girl he thought he was going to marry in less than a year). Even so, when I talked to him in June, he was very bitter about his most recent break up from another friend of mine (just a month or so before that) and had not even met this new girl yet [Red Flag 1]. Apparently they met and started dating mid-July. I told him I couldn't wait to meet her and suggested we all go out for dinner or a glass of wine or something (trying to be the supportive and accepting friend). He was very hesitant and indicated that would only be possible if I brought along a date. He didn't want to have to field questions about me or for her to be jealous of our friendship and he figured if I was there with a date, she would be less likely to question him [Red Flag 2]. I expressed my concern that this would even be an issue seeing as how we never dated or had a romantic relationship. His response was that since he used to like me and pursued me for a while before finally believing I was only interested in friendship, he didn't want her to know that because it may make her uncomfortable around me [Red Flag 3]. My opinion is that all that ALL of our past, good and bad, has helped shape who we are today so if someone falls in love with who someone is, although they may not approve of everything that person has done, they should recognize that it's because of all those things and people and events that they are who they are. Still, I agreed to find a date for our meeting...

Fast forward a couple months - the meeting still has not occurred. The invitation was sent to Sandra and Guest. I stopped by his office and he made it clear he would really appreciate it if I brought a date - not one of my girlfriends, a guy friend. A week or so ago he asked who I was bringing and I told him I would likely come alone because the last couple guys I've hung out with are no longer around. He seemed cool with it and said he'd just sit me with some of his single guy friends and it would all be fine, but he found it hard to believe I couldn't talk one of my "many guy friends" into attending with me.

Today I sent him a text message to confirm the date and time since I was updating my calendar but didn't have the invitation with me. Again he asked who I was bringing and again I told him I'd be coming alone. He said to bring a date – just a guy friend – I told him I didn't have any guy friends who like attending weddings for people they know, much less someone they don't know. His response: "Rent one then."

Um… wow! First of all, I know he'd be upset if I don't go. He's made that clear. But he'll also be upset if I don't bring a date because of the very minute possibility that his wife will ask questions about me. She's going to be so overwhelmed and wrapped up in the wedding plans and everything else going on, that she probably wont notice or even remember me. I know it's their day and things really should go how they want it to go and it's not about me, but I find it unfair and unreasonable to make me feel bad for not bringing a date or choosing not to attend at all. I feel like nothing will make him happy unless I show up with a guy. I'm torn. Do I simply tell him now that I regret that I won't be able to attend? Or do I tell him I'm bringing a guest and then show up alone with an excuse that something came up last minute and my date was unable to make it?

This is the first time someone has intentionally made me feel bad about a solo RSVP. For the first few years after my divorce, it really bothered me to receive invitations to Sandra & Guest because I hated saying I would be attending alone. And now that I'm finally comfortable doing anything and everything alone, I feel obligated to bring someone. Blech! Stupid! I'm irritated.

Anyone know of any classy escort services? I don't need to get laid, I just need a frickin date to a wedding!