Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Emotional day. I have been hurt and betrayed. My trust broken. I've been crying most of the evening and my eyes are tired, my heart aches.

It's funny the different emotions we can go through in a single day. To go from being happy to being enraged, to just feeling hurt and sad, to being hopeful again.

I confronted the source of the betrayal and said my piece. I got it off my chest and heard them out. I know that there is genuine sorrow and regret on their end. How can I not forgive? "Hurt people, hurt people." Translation: People who are hurting often tend to lash out and hurt other people. I heard once that only the people you love can really hurt you emotionally. If it were someone I didn't love, I wouldn't care what they did or said or thought. Maybe that's true, but at any rate, I do love these people - very much.

Trust is lost, but the funny thing about trust is that it can always be earned back. I will tread carefully, but I am hopeful that this very unpleasant situation will provide an opportunity for growth - for everyone involved.

I forgive. It doesn't take away the pain of being betrayed, but that will subside with time. I am reminded of all that Christ has forgiven me for. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone else.

I've tried to do some damage control and speak the truth, but it's up to them if they will believe the incorrect information or the truth. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. The past is the past. Tomorrow is a new day.

Quick Update

I went to Juneau for my 10 year class reunion and just to be around family. I was able to see Toby's family briefly and am amazed at their attitudes in light of losing him. I know it's tough for them emotionally. They are sad because they miss him, but they take comfort in the knowledge that he is with the Lord and that he fulfilled his purpose on this earth. His life is a great testimony to all that knew him an example of how each of us should live. The reunion was okay. It was good to see some of the people there and get to know some of the others that I never really knew. I was also able to spend a lot of time with a long time friend and get to know him in a different light. Funny how you can know someone for over 10 years and not really ever KNOW them. Overall, it was a good trip back. Actually, it was the best trip back since my divorce. I was able to keep my emotions in check and even though there were lots of reminders of my former life that made me sad, those feelings werent as intense. I was able to push past them and just enjoy the time with my family. It also helped that I didnt see him while I was there.

I got a couple of job offers while I was there one that was actually very tempting. I miss the money I used to make and I miss a lot of the work but I dont miss Juneau and I dont miss the stress. If only my office had a seasonal position for 8 or 9 months a year I'd take a seasonal position in Juneau for the summers Well, maybe not, but it would be fun for at least a year.

Speaking of work, I finally had my review at work last week and it went well. They recognize that I am overqualified for my position (their words, not mine) and that they are not working me to my potential. Hopefully that will start to change. It's nice to know that hard work and experience mean something to someone in the company. All too often, gossip, negativity and ass-kissing are rewarded. It's not about what you know or what you can do, it's about sucking up to the right people even if you turn around and badmouth them as soon as you walk out of the office. I know that is the case in some work environments in fact, I've witnessed that in many offices I've worked in. I'm fortunate to work here though, especially in the department that I do because I'm the only female there is none of that cattiness, backbiting or drama in our section and I actually genuinely like the guys I work with.

So, I just got an email asking me if I would photograph my friends daughters wedding next month in Juneau if they bought my ticket up. Im flattered! But that is a lot of pressure. I've never done a wedding before and its not like you can just do it over if they arent happy with the pictures. I know they want to save money which is why they asked me instead of a professional, but they have a lot of confidence in my work. I'll have to check the dates and really think about it. I did mention it to a friend of mine who is a photographer up there and he said if I did it, hed shoot it with me for free and give me some tips and all. It would be a great learning experience for me and having his photos on top of mine that would be awesome for the family. Hmmm... What to do??