Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Ken and I floated the river on Sunday and invited a girlfriend and her kids to join us. At the end of the float, near where we park, there is a bridge that has a rope swing tied onto it. The line for the rope swing was very long and I noticed people were jumping off the bridge so I climbed up to have a look. It looked deep and I watched several people jump without incident. So, I jumped. Well, I landed a bit wrong - almost in a sitting position with one leg bent so I have a big, dark, beautiful bruise running up the side/back of my leg from my knee to my butt. And I bruised my tailbone too, so it's been a rough couple of days so far. I can't sit for very long and since I have a desk job, I can't really avoid sitting.

I'm getting a lot of crap for my injury so far. I've been told I'm immature, stupid and crazy to even think about jumping off a bridge. I had one woman tell her son about my injury to disuade him from ever trying such a stunt. Then she was upset when he told her that was on his "bucket list." I want to know where everyone's sense of adventure went? No, I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not a kid. I'm a grown woman who, in their minds, should "know better." Ha! Well the thing is, I really am afraid of heights and afraid of drowning. I also love an adrenaline rush and have a strong belief that we must look our fears in the face - and hopefully have a good time doing it. Yeah, I hurt myself this time. But if I hadn't, it would have been awesome! In fact, it was great anyway. I didn't feel the pain until about half hour later. And I had a blast. If I had it to do over again, knowing the outcome, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I refuse to let fear control my life. I refuse to let it take the joy of adventure away. I refuse to sit on the sidelines of life and envy those who are out there living, playing and having a great time. Risks are meant to be taken. Adventures are meant to be had. Life is meant to be LIVED!

Sometimes I digress. I allow fear to creep in and hold me back - in love, in relationships, in my career, in every aspect of life. But I hate that girl. I've been the scared girl my whole life and I like the adventurous me a whole heck of a lot more. I feel like I've lost her, especially lately, but I think she's had enough of being stifled. Time to start taking more risks, go confidently in the direction of my dreams and live the life I've imagined.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Vacation Jitters?

Today is officially the start of vacation. I'm excited to see my family and friends in Juneau and I'm nervous for them to meet Ken. Frankly, dad has only ever met two of my boyfriends and he didn't like either one. Granted, I was 17 when he met Chris and 19 when he met Alan, the man I ended up marrying. I'm 32 now and hopefully he has a little more faith in my judgement, instincts & ability to decide for myself what is right. Dad is older too and a lot more mellow these days. I'm sure my brothers couldn't care less who I date. They may make a big show like peacocks with their tail feathers spread and their chests puffed out, but ultimately, I don't think it'll be any big issue. Heather will like him - she likes just about everybody. Litiana will probably think he's pretty typical for me, not like she knows and Siga has already met him.

My mom and my 5 youngest siblings are back in Juneau now and there may be a chance we get to see them. Mom will probably be too caught up in her own drama to care much, but she's never liked any of her children's love interests. Besides, her opinion means nothing to me at this point. And the little ones will love him simply because he's tall. :)

Truth is, I'm very anxious about this trip. In the past, I've experienced anxiety when returning "home" for a visit, but the source of that anxiety was always the possibility of running into the ex and/or his wife. Now, they live in Arizona so the chances of them being up there the same week I am is highly unlikely. I can't really place the source of my anxiety. Maybe it is bringing Ken up there to meet everyone. I've been more excited about that than nervous, but maybe that is the source. It's not that I'm nervous they wont like him. I'm sure they will. Their biggest beef with Alan was that because he was quiet, they interpreted his lack of communication and demeanor to mean that he thought he was better than them. I don't think that was the case, but he was horrible at small talk and maybe he was a bit judgemental at their behaviors. They drink, smoke, get high, party all the time and argue about God and religion in the same breath they cuss someone out. They are a loud, colorful and disrespectful bunch. I think Ken knows enough of the sort that he can handle hangin' with them for a week.

Maybe the source of my anxiety is simply my relationship with Ken. There have been a lot of hints about the future. I've been content to just float for a while, taking it a day at a time. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. I didn't think we'd make it long after he moved to Moses Lake, but thanks to a lot of effort on both our parts, we're still together. Learning to take life as it comes and live one day at a time without stressing about the future took me a long time. Now with thoughts of "the future" ever present, I'm nervous. What if I take him to meet the family and we break up soon after? It would have all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of breaking up with him. I love him. But I am not blind or stupid. I know how difficult I can be to deal with. I'm a yo-yo. One day I feel like we are very close and the next something happens and I feel we are miles away. I know relationships are like that, but it seems the yo-yo-ing is getting more frequent. This period of our growth is very uncomfortable. I wouldn't blame him if he gave up and walked away.

I read a quote the other day. It said something like, "Love is not looking at one another; rather it is looking together in the same direction." That has been eating at me. I'm not entirely sure Ken and I are looking in the same direction and that scares me. So maybe it isn't the trip to Juneau that is making me nervous, but rather, the big unknown tomorrow.

Well, I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go along. Always do. I guess I should probably start packing. We have to drive to Seattle when he gets off work this afternoon and our flight leaves for Juneau tonight. Forecast calls for rain all week, but I really hope the clouds will part and the sun will shine, illuminating the vast, breath-taking beauty of Alaska!