Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Faking It

I know I've said this before, but sometimes I feel like such a fraud. 

Case in Point #1:  A few weeks ago, Ken and I were hanging out with a long-time friend of his.  She told me that the thing she likes about me is that I am fun and adventurous and she loves that influence on Ken.  I don't remember her exact words, but that's the gist of what I got from it. 

Case in Point #2:  A few days ago, I got a facebook message from a friend of mine who moved away a year or so ago.  She commented that it looks like I am enjoying life and making the world a better place.  She said she admires my passion and "joie de vivre."

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm fun or adventurous.  And I KNOW I'm not currently making the world a better/happier place.  I'm not enjoying life and have completely lost all passion and joy.  I'm irritable and distracted all the time.  Things that used to come naturally, I now have to fake.  I used to be very spontaneous, passionate, adventurous and fun.  I used to be compassionate.  People used to frequently comment about the "light" in my eyes, but all that seems a lifetime ago. This not-okay-ness is affecting every aspect of my life - my friendships, my job and my relationship with my boyfriend.  It has zapped my energy, motivation, compassion, peace, joy and patience.   I'm going through the motions, doing what I do.  I'm not LIVING; I'm simply existing. 

I hate this feeling and this phase, but I don't know how to snap out of it.  I need a break - an escape from all the pressures and demands on my time and emotions.  I KNOW that I have so much to be thankful for and I try to focus on those things daily, but it just doesn't seem to be enough to help me climb out of this dark hole.  I need some time - away from here - to be alone, get my head screwed on straight and examine my heart, to draw out whatever it is that is making me so miserable and deal with it. 

I'd ask for suggestions, but I'm tired of getting "Dr. Phil'd" & preached at and the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy clearly isn't working.  I just want to rent a cabin or cottage or something cheap and just go clear my head - I want to run away...

...but it'll have to wait because I'm currently broke. 

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Family Update

The court awarded custody of the kids to mom and Saul again. They’ve had them on a trial basis for about three months and now they have permanent custody. There was only one condition – that they get one of my brothers tested for learning disabilities. They agreed to do so, but mom made it clear she’d be home schooling the children this year. Either she doesn’t truly care about their educational success or she is still in denial that there are problems. Regardless of her reasons, she is going to allow her pride to hinder the kids’ education and thus, their future. I feel so bad for them.

At the end of the day, they ARE her children and she IS their mother and it is her right to raise them as she sees fit. No one else has to agree or like it. I pray that her eyes are opened so that she can clearly see the damage that her pride and her actions (and inaction) has caused them. My first concern is their physical safety, but I’m not even convinced they are safe. I have a feeling that as soon as Saul is off probation, they’ll leave the country and not come back until the next time he beats the living daylights out of mom. Hoping I’m wrong, but… (Say it with me)