Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Faking It

I know I've said this before, but sometimes I feel like such a fraud. 

Case in Point #1:  A few weeks ago, Ken and I were hanging out with a long-time friend of his.  She told me that the thing she likes about me is that I am fun and adventurous and she loves that influence on Ken.  I don't remember her exact words, but that's the gist of what I got from it. 

Case in Point #2:  A few days ago, I got a facebook message from a friend of mine who moved away a year or so ago.  She commented that it looks like I am enjoying life and making the world a better place.  She said she admires my passion and "joie de vivre."

The thing is, I don't feel like I'm fun or adventurous.  And I KNOW I'm not currently making the world a better/happier place.  I'm not enjoying life and have completely lost all passion and joy.  I'm irritable and distracted all the time.  Things that used to come naturally, I now have to fake.  I used to be very spontaneous, passionate, adventurous and fun.  I used to be compassionate.  People used to frequently comment about the "light" in my eyes, but all that seems a lifetime ago. This not-okay-ness is affecting every aspect of my life - my friendships, my job and my relationship with my boyfriend.  It has zapped my energy, motivation, compassion, peace, joy and patience.   I'm going through the motions, doing what I do.  I'm not LIVING; I'm simply existing. 

I hate this feeling and this phase, but I don't know how to snap out of it.  I need a break - an escape from all the pressures and demands on my time and emotions.  I KNOW that I have so much to be thankful for and I try to focus on those things daily, but it just doesn't seem to be enough to help me climb out of this dark hole.  I need some time - away from here - to be alone, get my head screwed on straight and examine my heart, to draw out whatever it is that is making me so miserable and deal with it. 

I'd ask for suggestions, but I'm tired of getting "Dr. Phil'd" & preached at and the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy clearly isn't working.  I just want to rent a cabin or cottage or something cheap and just go clear my head - I want to run away...

...but it'll have to wait because I'm currently broke. 

1 comment:

  1. It sounds to me like your human. In life we all go through our ups and downs. I know there are times I wonder how I get though day to day living but other days I'm on top of the world. My thought is for you to take time to reevaluate your life and whos in it. Do you really like your job? Like being in Washington? Love your boyfriend? Im sure you do of course but there must be something inside thats ready for a change. Even just a mini vacation to rethink things. I know money is an issue but Im also in washington and would put you up for a few days if you want to come to the west side of the state. Im not sure if you remember me but I used to hang out with Zach and mark. Your mom & I were pregnant with our twins at the same time, she was always so encouraging and kind, she helped me out alot years ago. I know I don't know you well but Im here if you ever need a friend :) Destiny ...