Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Feliz Navidad!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!! I'm sitting in a Starbucks (curse them, but at least they aren't playing Christmas music) because it's the only place that is open where I can get online (for a hefty fee... curse T-Mobile too!!!). But, I am in sunny San Diego and am having a great time. Life is good. I'm staying in our corporate apartment and enjoying exploring and watching sunsets and going to the beach and drinking wine and meeting new people. It's been a great couple of days. A much needed break from the cold.

I think I'm going to finish up an email and then head to the beach. I tried to find Black's Beach yesterday, but the google directions were not accurate. It's all good. I still found a beach and watched the sunset.

I hope that you are all happy and healthy and surrounded by people you love. Have an extra helping of ham/turkey/goose/stuffing/eggnog/hot buttered rum/etc. for me. I think I'll have steak and margaritas for my Christmas dinner.

Much love and God bless each and every one of you.

Monday, December 10, 2007


These walls that I've constructed...
Built for my protection...
To protect my heart, my freedom, my independence...

They have become my prison.

Thursday, November 22, 2007


Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!! We all have so much for which to be grateful. May we all spend today focusing on all that we have been blessed with and NOT on what we don't have.

I am blessed with a colorful and always entertaining family who loves me for who I am, not what I've done.
I am rich in friends - people in my life who love me and often let me know I'm in their thoughts.
I have a Father in Heaven who daily shows me his love for me, who is faithful even in my infidelity and whose grace and mercy follow me always. Yes... I am very fortunate.

Today, I am thankful for my freedom. I was invited to so many holiday parties, but decided I needed some alone time. So, I am in Seattle, staying in our corporate apartment and plan to eat, watch football and movies, read and write and drink lots of wine.

I am thankful for the pain, the heartbreak, the love, the loss, the laughter and the joy that fill every day. I am thankful for where I have been, where I am now and for all that my future holds. I'm thankful for who I used to be and who I am now. I am alive and I feel it! Today, I am content.

Monday, October 22, 2007


I got a new car yesterday... well, not "NEW," new, but "previously owned," new-to-me, new.

Why do people think "previously owned" sounds better than "used." Makes me think of that email that went around not long ago with politically correct phrases for everything. I think it said something like, "She's not a slut, she has previously enjoyed companionship" or something like that. Ah well, at least she has only been "previously owned" or "used" by one other before me - and although she's got quite a few miles on her, she's in great condition.

Why am I calling her a "she"? Because all cars are feminine. Why is that? Who knows - probably because they are so needy, but as long as you treat them right, they give you what you want and are reliable and trust worthy. I'm sure you boys will have a different opinion.

So anyways, am I excited? No. People don't understand that, but I'm not excited about losing my camry. I didn't enjoy car shopping one bit. I didn't enjoy dealing with salesmen and finance officers and test drives. I am not excited about having another monthly payment. I am happy that the whole process is over, but I will second guess myself and my decision for probably the next month or so and then after a few road trips, if she handles well, THEN I will start to be happy and let her into my heart.

I'm a nerd - I know!

I did, however, find out this weekend that I'm the perfect girl. Well, I guess I already knew that, but I've yet to hear anyone tell me that - until yesterday. And then the question... "So, why are you single?" Good question! Must be because there are no perfect guys (at least not in Spokane)! Ha!

Monday, October 15, 2007


Friends, I am having a rough day and could use your prayers. As you know, my car was hit last week. I was able to track down the owner of the car that hit me and got his insurance information (Thank God!). His insurance company is totaling the car and have provided a rental car for me for a week.

However, the title is still under my married name WITH my ex-husband. A year and a half ago when I changed my name back, I tried to get the title changed over to my name. They said Alan had to sign a form and have it notarized and mail it back to me. I tried, unsuccessfully, to get in touch with Alan and get his address. He never responded. I got busy and forgot about it.

Now, the insurance company needs the title so I locate it and realize it is still in both our names. Crap! So, I have to get in touch with Alan, get his address and overnight the form to him. He, then, has to sign it, have it notarized and overnight it back to me. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be a huge issue. However, given my experiences with Alan since the divorce, this could be a problem. I don't even know how to get in contact with him so I had to contact his parents. Hopefully they will pass the information on to him. Then, IF he even responds and gives me his address, I'm not confident that he will sign it and send it back timely. Until I get this back from him, the Washington Department of Licensing will not change the title and I can't get my check until the title is taken care of. AND I only have my rental car until Thursday!!! Then, I'll be without a car.

Originally they told me that the divorce decree would work as long as it indicated that the car was mine. So, I spent hours digging through my old files and "The Emotional Sad (Alan) Box" to find the decree and property distribution form. But since the car's VIN number is not on that form, it is not sufficient for the DOL.

Seems lots is standing of the way here. Not sure why, but I am trying to remember to trust that things happen for a reason. I'm just unreasonably angry right now.

On a positive note, I took the motorcycle safety and training course over the weekend and passed! I get the endorsement added to my driver's license tomorrow. I'm so excited.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Rude Awakening

Can I just say that waking up at 4:18 am is never pleasant, not to mention the cause was the sound of my 100 year old vintage doorbell/buzzer thing. I stumble out of bed, all discombobulated, having no idea what to expect on the other side of the door so I just open it a crack and before I see anyone, I hear "Spokane Police Department, ma'am." Immediately every possible horrific scenario starts running through my head, but the sound of my sisters voice behind me calms me down a little bit. At least I know she's safe... but what the...?

SPD: "Do you own a silver Camry?"
Me: "Yes."
SPD: "It's been hit."
Me: (suddenly realizing I'm not wearing a bra under my t-shirt and crossing my hands over my chest) "Hit? As in, by a car? Or someone broke into it again?"
SPD: (Chuckling) "As in, by a car. Bad. It's undrivable."
Me: (Suddenly very self conscious about my bed head, mis-matched PJs, morning breath, no bra, eye-boogers and smeared makeup) "Hit and run or do you know who hit it?"
SPD: "We found the car near the MAC, but no driver. He also hit a tree."
Me: (genuinely concerned) "Oh my God, I hope he's okay."
SPD: (Laughing) "Um, yeah... well, the guy should have just stopped when he hit you, before he hit the tree and whatever else he may have hit along the way."

Then he goes into how normally they just leave the accident report on the car, but since he figured it was probably how I intended to get to work today, I might want to have some forewarning so I could leave early or make other arrangements. He hands me the accident report, apologizes for the rude awakening and leaves.

I, being the curious cat that I am, decide that I can't wait until "morning" to see the damage so I grab my coat and shoes and head downstairs to check it out with my sister at my heels. The cop is still out there so I asked how they found out. Apparently someone called in a collision near Cedar Ave so they came to check it out, saw my car, then a tree on the other side of the road that had been hit as well. Then they got another call about a car in a parking lot a few blocks away near the Museum of Arts & Culture that looked pretty banged up, but no driver to be found. They checked it out and determined it was definitely the car that hit me, airbags had been deployed and they think the driver has a head injury. It was registered to someone named Kelly.

I called the insurance company, filed a claim and took pictures. So, the guy didn't just side-swipe me. He hit the left rear of the car so hard that he pushed the back end of my car onto the curb. Check out how far from the line the back of the car is. Crazy.

I sure hope this isn't indicative of how the rest of my day is going to go. I really hope the guy has insurance and if he doesn't, I really hope I don't run into problems with my insurance company. And... I hope Kelly is okay. I googled him and found his myspace. It appears that he was planning to be out at The Boulevard (night club) tonight. Drunk, I assume. Ha! Gotta love myspace!

Well, I have to say, I am actually really glad the cop woke me up because it would suck to head out to my car with maybe 5 minutes to get to work, only to find that I can't drive it. I better hop in the shower, get ready and start walking. Peace, y'all!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

There but for the grace of God, go I.

This afternoon as everyone was filing out of the office to head home, soccer practice, football practice, dinner or wherever it is that they all go, someone noticed a man lying in the middle of the street just about a block up from where I work. A lot of cars were stopped and people staring from the sidewalks. One of my friends walked up there to find out what was going on and if she could help.

Turns out, some guy decided life wasn't worth living any longer and he walked out into the middle of the busiest street in Spokane at the busiest time of the day (Division Street at rush hour) and just laid down, hoping to be hit by some vehicle hard enough to end his life. People stopped and were trying to talk him into moving, but he refused, so a couple of guys picked him up and moved him to the sidewalk and called the police.

I'd be lying if I said I never contemplated ending my life. Yes, I know it's selfish and cowardly, but I know that place of hopelessness and despair. Thankfully though, someone has reached out to me in those midnight moments and loved me, prayed for me, offered me a helping hand and gave me a glimmer of hope. When you hit rock bottom, you have two choices - lie there and wait for death or pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up, step by painful step. Sometimes my life is difficult or sad and there are times that I feel like such a failure - like I've made all the wrong decisions, screwed up too bad and too many times, hurt too many people and am not worthy of love, forgiveness or even the air that I breathe. There are days that I wonder if I will end up homeless; days when I believe I would be disowned by my friends and family if they really knew the "real" me and days when I can't blame the drunk passed out on the sidewalk because of all the times I, myself, have looked to the bottle to escape from reality, numb my pain or quiet my mind. I see it every day - the glazed eyes, blank stares of empty souls. And my heart goes out to them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I."

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Big time family drama. I feel powerless.

Friend is going through a rough time. I feel powerless.

My financial situation is overwhelming me lately. I feel powerless.

My closest friends are increasingly disgruntled with their jobs, marriages, lives, etc. I feel powerless.

And I need some sleep. Damn this insomnia!

Ever just wish someone would wrap you up tight and tell you they love you and it's okay to be powerless?

I shed a tear last night... just one. First one in over 6 months.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Winds of Change

The winds of change are blowing...

Some days I feel it as a light breeze, softly brushing my skin, almost undetectable.

Other days, it's as if I'm in the midst of a tempest. It hits me with such force that it knocks me to the ground, rocks me to the very core of my being and drenches me to the bone. I am left shuddering, clinging for dear life to whatever immovable object I can find.

But then there are days when it comes in these invigorating gusts, energizing me, blowing away all the surface crap and leaving me feeling refreshed and excited.

Today is one of those days.

I have made a few decisions lately, one of which is to look for a new church. I love the people in the church I've been going to, but I just feel like it's not where I am supposed to be - at least for a season. It's a time for refreshment, encouragement and spiritual growth. I'm excited to see what this new chapter will bring.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Not Again!

Someone just broke into my car... AGAIN! This happened earlier this year in front of my apartment and it just happened again this morning in my office parking lot in broad daylight. They busted in my front passenger window and took my gym bag. I never leave anything in plain view in my car when I am parked at home or anywhere overnight. But I was going to hit the gym at lunch and in 2 1/2 years of working here, no one has ever had any problems in our parking lot. Guess there is a first time for everything. They also broke into April's car (I'm sorry, April!), but thankfully, they didn't take anything from her.

I'm frustrated, but not nearly as upset as I was the first time. It does kind of suck that I just bought new gym clothes recently and my running shoes are NOT cheap. I'll be out close to $400 when it's all said and done for new window, tinting, running shoes and gym clothes. But on the bright side, at least I took my iPod out of my gym bag the other day.

Ugh! I'm having a tough time keeping a good attitude... keep me in your prayers. Peace!

Thursday, August 16, 2007


My Sturgis Trip:

We left late Friday night (8/3/07) after waiting for 2 hours after the already postponed time we set to accomodate our friends so that had the boys in quite the mood. The road construction for the first 10 miles on the freeway didn't help. Finally, we were on the road, Mike (Otis) was drunk and wasn't slowing down on the drinking, KariLynn didn't feel comfortable driving such a big truck hauling such a big trailer so Mike C. and I took turns at the wheel. We picked up Otis' sister on Saturday morning and rolled into Sturgis Saturday afternoon.

So, originally, it was just supposed to be Mike & KariLynn and me & Otis. Then about a week before we left, Otis tells me we are picking up his sister on the way, but that she had friends to ride with once we were there. Well, her riding partner couldn't make it and she didn't spend much time with her other friends so she was pretty much the 5th wheel the whole week. And talk about attitude. This woman is rough... very abrasive. She is the most selfish and unpleasant person I have met in a long time and she was really the biggest downer of my trip. At one point, it took every ounce of self-control and grace I had to stop me from punching her in the kisser! Thankfully though, KariLynn was there and I absolutely love, love, love hanging out with her. She was so much fun all week. It was nice to see her let loose a little without her kids around.

But, on the bright side, the place was amazing. I've never seen so many bikes in one place. The people were so... colorful, entertaining and fun-loving. They were just average people, out to have a good time and let loose for a week and I loved it! The rides were incredible! Breath-taking views, historic landmarks, winding roads, great little hole-in-the-wall dive bars filled with smiles, laughter and camaraderie amongst strangers. And then there were the concerts. So many - in our campsite, other camps and some of the local venues. It would have been impossible tosee all of them. We made it to Tanya Tucker, .38 Special, Fuel, Ted Nugent and Godsmack. We also could hear Smashmouth and Joan Jett from our campsite. We also caught a few tribute bands. My favorite concert was the Nuge! Course, that night it was just me, Mike C. and KariLynn and I'll just say, we were all feeling pretty darned good.

The weather was crazy! It was hot as heck during the day, but lots of thunderstorms and wind! Our tents all but blew away. One night we came back to find one tent blown on its side, mine was still staked to the ground, but the frame was collapsed and our awning was flipped up over the trailer - all the rods bent or broken. It was even double-staked AND tied down, but the wind still got it. That sucked!

Wednesday was our last full day there before splitting up to go our separate ways on Thursday. Otis and I both got tattoos. His was a banner under his Harley tat that said "'06 Sturgis '07".... And I'm sure you will all just be shocked to know what I got... it's on my foot... check it out. This was before he did some highlighting with white, but it's pretty darn close to the finished product...

Thursday morning was rough. Mike and KariLynn went to see Devil's Tower and were planning to meet up with the rest of us in a particular town for lunch before taking the truck and trailer so Otis and I could ride back. But, while I napped in the back seat of the truck, Otis and Michelle managed to get us lost. Way the heck out in BFE!!! And they were not happy about it... but then they found a horrible map and decided that we could take a short cut back to where we needed to be. Well, the short cut put us on a dirt road that brought us back to the place that I fell asleep.

We were late meeting up with M&K and since we didn't have cell coverage out in BFE, they were frustrated that they couldn't get ahold of us, thought we were ahead of them and rode like mad to catch up - all the while, we were about an hour behind them. It was pretty funny to me, but I am more laid back and these things don't generally get to me. Otis and Mike and Michelle were all livid though! They were all mad at each other, none of them accepting any blame for the longest time... oh boy... none of them were pleasant to be around. Finally, we met up with the M&K and realized the trailer, all of our luggage and the bikes were covered a thick layer of dust from the dirt road, which pissed everyone off even more so we had to stop by a car wash, unload everything spray out the trailer and bikes, dust off the luggage and re-pack. What a fiasco!!! I was so relieved when we all got on the road again, this time with Michelle, Mike & KariLynn in the truck and me and Otis on the bike.

The ride back to Spokane was incredible. Otis and I stayed with his parents in Absorokee, MT on Thursday night, then drove through Beartooth Pass to Cook City and through Yellowstone on Friday. The ride and the views were amazing. I loved it. Friday night we camped at a KOA in West Yellowstone. We froze our butts off and didn't get a lot of sleep on that hard, rocky ground. Saturday, we drove up through Montana, stopped in Virginia City and met an old cowboy named T. Ray Becker. He fell in love with me, told me stories and cited some of his poetry before selling us one of his CDs and buying us drinks with the proceeds. He told me I was a gypsy (before seeing my tattoo) and kindred spirit and if only he were 30 years younger... :) Great man, though. I loved that city. We then headed up to Butte and then took the scenic byway through Anaconda, Phillipsburg (where we stopped for lunch) and Drummond where we got back on I-90. After that, it was Missoula, Rock Creek and St. Regis, where we planned to camp for the night. However, after not getting much sleep the night before, we decided to bite the bullet and ride the rest of the way home so we could get a good sleep and hot showers. Then Sunday, we took off again and did Thompson Pass. That was a lot of riding, my friends. By butt hurt like nobody's business!

All in all, it was a great trip, but I can tell you this... next time, I ride alone. Yes, that means learning to ride and buying a bike - but it'll be worth it!!!

And that's all for now, folks. Thanks for reading. More pictures will be posted eventually.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


A conversation today left me feeling confused about the state of my heart & emotions. The feelings I walked away from the conversation with, surprised me - that ache deep down in my heart... I don't know how to deal with it.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - I can't expect to get more than one chance at something.

Disconnected... looking forward to a day of rest. Happy 4th, everyone! Be safe!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Across the LupUS

"You will be fortunate in everything."

That was in my fortune cookie today. And you know what? It's true! I am so very fortunate. I know I complain from time to time, but I really am blessed!

So, yesterday on my lunch break, I was out walking, as I often do. A homeless man caught up to me and asked if he could walk with me for a while. And he did - for almost a mile! I walked as far as the mall downtown, but this gentleman didn't like malls so he was going to go his own way. He kept talking though, trying to get me to stay outside and talk a little longer. I noticed two guys standing nearby, locking up their bikes, watching us. After my walking companion left, these guys asked if I knew of a good place to get a bite to eat. We started talking and apparently, these two guys are on a cross-country bike ride. They started in Bellingham, Washington and will be riding their bicycles to South Carolina. Why? Well, they just graduated college and wanted to do something like this, but figured they might as well do it for a good cause. They are riding to raise awareness and money for Lupus research. We talked for about 15 minutes and gave me their card. I checked their website and couldn't get them out of my mind the rest of the day. So last night, I called them and they met up with me after their interview with KXLY (ABC) news. We went to dinner last night and sat there for 3 hours talking. Afterwards, I invited them over, let them lock up their bikes in my apartment, we grabbed my friend from Alaska who is in town crashing on my couch and went out to a sports bar a couple blocks away so we could see their stint on the 11:00 news. After the news and a couple beers, back to my apartment to visit for a little while longer. Then Tony and I loaded up their bikes in our cars and took them back to their camp site. I offered my floor or my bed and I would take the floor, but they had already set up camp and paid for it so they declined.

What these two men are doing is incredible. Their passion, courage and lust for adventure really got to me. Just talking to them made me feel alive again! It stirred up something deep within me that I'm not sure how to deal with. I am envious. I told them that and they invited me along for the ride. This whole trying to be responsible and get out of debt thing really sucks right now. This is their journey, not mine, but I am thankful that our paths crossed. I really do meet the most amazing people. You should have seen the look in Tony's eyes when I walked through my apartment door at 10:00pm followed by two men with bikes. My friends often think I'm a little crazy, but those who listen to my stories agree that I am destined to meet the people that I do. The are Divine Appointments!

Tonight, the duo will be staying in Coeur d'Alene, but I was able to get a couple extra tickets to the Various Sundry concert tonight so they will join me for that. When I asked if they were interested, they were so excited. I'm just thankful that I even have this little perk (free concert tix) so that they can have a little entertainment while they are here.

They are traveling light, camping most nights and allowing themselves the luxury of a cheap hotel only every few nights. If you know anyone along their route who can hook them up with a place to crash, that would be awesome. This is something they would never ask for, but having traveled across the country myself, I was fortunate to meet people who welcomed me into their homes and provided free shelter from time to time and I hope they can find a few generous people as well. Camping gets old and hotels get expensive...

Anyways, I'm excited to see my new friends again tonight. Just being around them inspires me and reminds me to get my eyes off myself and my self-proclaimed / imposed limitations. I'm excited for the day that I break through the chains that I allow to imprison me. I'm simply not meant for this normal life. But then again...

"There is no normal life. There's just life. You live it." ~ Doc Holliday - Tombstone

Monday, May 21, 2007


There is not much I hate more than rumors!!! Lately, I have been the victim of a few unfounded rumors which cast a negative light on me and call into question my character, morals and integrity. It's frustrating. I'm 29 (as of today) and I feel like I'm in high school! I wish people would just come to me if they have a problem or a question or hear something, instead of spreading lies about me. By no means am I anywhere close to perfect - I fail miserably very often. I can do enough damage to myself and my reputation without anyone else's help, thank you very much!!!

Friday, May 4, 2007

Sometimes we only get one chance...

Wednesday, I was sent to run an errand at work and decided since I was already out, I would stop at a grocery store a couple blocks away to pick something up for lunch. I needed to get back to the office, so I was in a bit of a hurry when I got there. As I was walking into the store, I noticed there was a police officer standing next to his car, a couple walking away and another lady stopped and leaned against a pillar right outside the door. I remember thinking about how there are always poor and homeless people hanging out around that particular store... Right as I was about to go through the door, I heard the woman who was leaning against the pillar start crying. She was sobbing loudly. I hesitated for a moment, feeling sorry for her and wondering if I should go to her. I noticed that her pants were wet and she had clearly lost control of her bladder. And I kept walking.

The entire time I was in the store, I was thinking that there was nothing I could do for her and I was more worried about taking care of my own needs than anything else. Get in, get what I needed and get back to work as soon as possible. It kept nagging at me though and I reasoned with myself that if she was still there when I paid for my stuff, I'd talk to her and try to help her in whatever way I could. I made a mental note that I had a blanket in the back of my car that I could cover the seat with if I needed to give her a ride somewhere. There were only 2 checkout lines open and they were both moving at a snail's pace, increasing my irritability. As soon as I got out of there, I looked for her, but she was no longer leaning against the pillar. "Oh well, she must have figured something out," I thought as I rushed to my car to head back to work. But this feeling kept nagging at me as I was driving back to the office, so I turned around and drove back toward the store. I said a quick prayer, asking God to forgive me for my selfishness and promising that if I could find her, I'd help her. I drove around the store a couple times and down all the streets in about a 2 block radius of the store and she was no where to be found. By this time, I felt so incredibly convicted, but there was nothing I could do so as I drove back toward the office again, I sincerely repented for not obeying that still small voice that I heard when I first saw the lady; the voice that made me hesitate briefly and feel compassion for her. I promised God that next time I'd listen. So about 5 blocks from the office, I was stopped at a stop light and a lady on the street motioned for me to roll down my window. I did without hesitation. She had just missed her bus and needed a ride. I let her in the car and drove her to her destination just a couple blocks from my office. She was very grateful and normally that small act would make me feel pretty good too - that I had the opportunity to help someone and did. This time, I got no joy from it. For two days now, I have not been able to get the other lady out of my mind. Maybe she was homeless. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe she was mentally ill. I will never know. But I do know being at a place of desperation, that place where emotion takes over and it doesn't matter where you are, you can't stop the flood of tears and the sobbing and you have to stop and lean against something just to keep from falling on your face in utter despair; that place where your pride goes out the window. How many of us have been so broken, so overwhelmed, so desperate, so embarrassed, that we just break down like that - without regard to where we are or who sees us? Most of us are able to maintain our composure at least until we can have a few moments alone. This lady obviously couldn't. And I saw that, and I felt just a hint of her grief, but ultimately was too worried about my time schedule than another human being. I figured she'd probably still be around after I was done doing what I wanted to do. After all, if she was homeless, how far could she get? I assumed I'd at least see her walking down the street... I was wrong.

The thing that this taught me is that sometimes we are faced with an opportunity and so many times we get one chance to do the right thing. We only get one chance. We can't just hit a "rewind" button and choose to do it over a different way. We are presented with opportunities to make a difference in someone else's life. How often do I ignore those opportunities because of my selfishness and justify it by telling myself that someone else is better equipped to handle that situation than I am? All too often I am complacent, selfish, prideful or simply lack the confidence that I have anything to offer. But the thing is, I do have something to offer. I have love, I have time... but most importantly, I have God. I hope that I never forget that moment of selfish disobedience and how badly I have felt since then. Because next time I'm faced with an opportunity, I want to do the right thing. What if that had been me? What if it had been my mother or sister or friend? Whoever she was, she was a lost sheep, a child of God, created in His image and likeness. She was not a mistake. God has a plan for her life and knew her before she was even born. She is my equal, at the very least. I am reminded, yet again that whatever I have done unto "the least of these," I've done unto the Lord (or have not done, as the case may be). Matthew 25:34-46

Sunday, April 15, 2007


Seriously - shoot me already...

I need a new start in a new town - where no one knows my name.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007


I am FAR from perfect. I try to live my life the best I know how and have set some incredibly difficult standards for myself. I don't always live up to them, unfortunately. In fact, quite often I fail miserably, hurting and disappointing not only myself, but everyone else around me. I reap the consequences of my actions and sometimes those actions or consequences affect others as well. I am a horrible example of what a Christian should be… a hypocrite, if you will.

I find that I can relate quite well to Paul's struggle, as written in Romans 7:14-25:

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

The topic of hypocrisy was brought up by someone I met this past weekend. While he was not referring to me, it felt like I had been punched in the gut because I realized that I fall into that category. I know we all fail, we all miss the mark, but when it causes someone else to stumble or leaves a bad taste in their mouth about Christians in general, then it's a big deal. It's something that I know I will have to answer to God for when I stand before Him on judgment day.

I know that when I meet someone and they appear to be a certain way and then I get a glimpse into the life they really lead, the way they REALLY are, it can be disappointing. But I have no place to judge – because I know there are those out there who see me in a more positive light than they should. They think more highly of me than I deserve.

What a wretched woman I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

I am so thankful that I am saved by grace.

Monday, March 19, 2007


I don't understand...

…why some men see an unattainable woman as a challenge
…why some men are so strongly attracted to that challenge
…why some men give up right away
…why some men accept whatever relational capacity a woman is willing to offer
…why some men walk away from a friendship because they can't have her in the capacity they want.

Why do men always want what they can't have? And why is it that when a man finally "attains" that woman, she is no longer enough? He spends so much time, energy, money, emotions; says and does all the right things to get the woman he wants, but then when he finally breaks down her walls, gets through her defenses and gets her to that place of vulnerability and a level of reliance, he gives her up for the next challenge. He is no longer willing to put up with the little annoyances or imperfections and leaves in search of something different, something that, for a while, seems better.

Is that all we are to men – a challenge? A conquest?

And they wonder why we question their sincerity, why they have to work so hard to gain our trust and respect, why one man has to pay for another man's actions. They wonder why our walls are so high, our defenses impenetrable.

They say not to generalize or lump all men together, but you show me one man who is genuine, sincere and content with what he has and I'll show you at least 20 who are not.

"The eyes of man are never satisfied…" Proverbs 27:20

Your words are hollow, meaningless. Whether you are a friend, pastor, co-worker, relative, acquaintance or an interest, I listen and observe – and your actions and character speak louder than the words you speak.

Sunday, January 7, 2007


Someone broke into my car last night - busted out the front, passenger window, cleaned out my glove box and center console. My insurance will not be paying for the window to be replaced since I don't have comprehensive coverage, but even if I did, my deductible would have been higher than the cost of the new window. So, that is almost $200 out of pocket!
Missing - car registrations, insurance info, misc. receipts (oil changes, tires, other car related), an old book of checks (duplicates only - no real checks), random mail, other miscellaneous junk I kept in there, my new travel coffee mug, a box of presents that I was going to take to the post office today to mail to my mom and siblings - along with a check.

What they left - an expensive tripod for my camera, all my CDs, my Bible (go figure!), a fleece blanket and everything in my trunk.

Now WHAT would they want with all my papers with all my information? I know they have my name, address, previous address, bank account number and God only knows what else.

I've never really worried about someone stealing STUFF from me. Stuff can be replaced and if they are going to steal from me, they must need it more than I do. I'm not worried about anything they took. What I am worried about is the potential for identity theft.

Please keep me in your prayers. And let's hope they catch whoever did it. Mine wasn't the first car to be hit in my neighborhood and I doubt it'll be the last.