Lost in the Clutter

I've had a lot on my mind and I'm having a hard time sorting through the clutter. The only thing that generally helps me sort through all the clutter in my head and the aching in my heart is writing. Yet, I've been distracted and when I do have time, I don't know where to start. It all seems to want to flow when I'm sitting at my computer at the office with a little free time on my hands, but since they are now monitoring everything we do on our computers at work, I refrain. I don't care if they see me on other non-work-related sites because my job is flexible and they know they are getting far more than the 8 hours a day I get paid for. As long as the work gets done, my boss doesn't care what I do, but I don't necessarily want them to read my blogs. It's the one place where I can say what I need to say - get it all off my chest - without worrying about it being used against me or thrown back in my face.

I've felt incredibly lonely lately. I miss my family. I miss the sense of belonging. I miss the feeling of "home." A friend pointed out recently that I never call anywhere "home." I talk about visiting my family or going to Juneau, but I never call it home. I'll say I am at my apartment or that I have to run back to my place for something, but never call it home. "Where is home?" he asks. I don't know the answer to that.

I went to dinner last night with "L". She and her husband recently separated and she was talking about how wonderful she feels and how well she's doing. We talked a little about marriage, relationships, re-entering the dating world, etc. She said that she can't imagine herself in a relationship for a very long time because for the first time in her life she is learning about who she is and what she wants. She says she will never settle again. She has not yet experienced a weak moment or loneliness... That deep, sad, excruciating loneliness is sometimes enough to break even the strongest person and tempts them to settle for good-enough. I've been teetering myself for quite some time. Never thought I'd see the day...

After dinner, the waiter brought the check and I paid with my card. I noticed midway through signing my name that I was signing my married name. I've been divorced for over 4 1/2 years and changed my name back to my maiden name over 2 1/2 years ago, but here I was signing Sandra Rollings... Oops. WTF? Where did that come from? I haven't accidentally signed my married name in God knows how long. I tried to laugh it off, but it really bothered me. Let it go, Sandra... Just let it go...

Men - I have my share of crushes... even people I'll allow myself to go on a few dates with to get to know better, but who all eventually end up in the friend zone. There are the men who stay fairly close to me so that when my heart does become available, they're there to try to be the first to capture it. Then there are relationships I've had in the past who all seem to be resurfacing at the same time. "B" moved back to Seattle from North Carolina and is trying to reconnect. "M" is calling me almost daily lately, begging me to come to Sacramento for Thanksgiving - even offering to pay half my way. Even "M" has resurfaced with all of his addicting qualities. Thankfully "J" is keeping his distance.

I miss sex. A lot!!!! I've even tried to reason the justification of a friends with benefits scenario that has been offered. I'd be lying if I said this isn't tempting me. Yes me! The strong, independent, stick-to-your-convictions girl that I am... I'm tempted to have "meaningless" sex with someone I trust simply to satisfy a physical need... or desire. If there were truly a potential future relationship prospect in my life right now, I don't think it would be as bad. I'm one of those that has to be in a committed relationship with someone I respect, trust and LOVE before I give it up. I've been taken advantage of and I've felt the emptiness of going too far with someone I didn't love and both are horrible feelings that I don't care to re-live. Sometimes I wish I could be a sex-is-just-sex girl. But I've never been that girl. I do believe it's worth the wait... and I KNOW I'm worth waiting for... but I'm definitely having a moments of weakness lately.

So much more on my mind still, but I'm in pain and need to go find a muscle relaxer... and then I need to clean cluttered room. :) Anything to get my mind off S-E-X.