For the last several years, Christmas has been one of my least favorite days of the year. I chose to spend it alone most of those years because it was less disappointing that way. No, I'm not talking about the gift giving tradition. My last Christmas married, I had what I thought was one of the best days of my life. I let myself believe him again... I let myself hope that everything was going to be alright and that we'd make it after all. It was a day of love-making, cuddling, deep conversations. A day of visiting with family and friends with absolutely no negativity on his part... and yes, even some really great gifts including a ring I'd had my eye on. It truly was a perfect day. The next day, however, I stopped by his place of work to surprise him with some lunch and he was not happy to see me. He rushed me out the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He told me he just didn't want to ruin my Christmas so he put off telling me until the next day. Basically, everything I thought to be perfect and full of love was a lie.
Since then, I've not looked forward to Christmas and I've never been in a relationship during the holidays. Most years, I chose to spend the day alone except for a couple of family visits, and even then, I made myself scarce. It was easier that way. Even last Christmas, Ken and I were so new that even though there were no expectations and we hung out with his family... and it wasn't a great day. It's amazing how long we fight our demons...
This year was different. I found it difficult at times to really let go and allow myself to let my guard down a little bit. I'd find myself really enjoying the day and then those horrible thoughts and fears that it was too good to be true would creep in. I decided (again, it seems to be a daily choice) that I wasn't going to let fear of tomorrow ruin today. And I did have an amazing day! Ken was so good to me. We did non-stockings this year since neither of us have a stocking. I think it will be our tradition. Then we cooked a light breakfast together and opened gifts. One of the things he asked for was a picture of me that he could frame. I wrapped two with a CD of a whole photo shoot a friend did for me and told him he could pick whichever picture(s) he preferred. His eyes welled up with tears and he told me he thinks I am so beautiful and he feel so lucky to have me. Go figure, the gift that cost me the least was his favorite!
We cooked an amazing Christmas dinner and ate by candlelight. After that, the emotion of the day caught up to me. I couldn't contain my tears. But it was a good thing. He held me and listened as I told him that my last happy Christmas turned out to be a lie and how hard it was to just enjoy the day and push back my fears... and I told him how thankful I was that he was in my life. That even though life hasn't turned out for either of us like we had hoped and planned, our roads have led us to each other. And though I can't see the future or the place where those roads part, I love him and am so grateful for all he has been and all he IS to me.
It was a good day... and I hope yours was full of love and laughter as well.
