Value

I've written in the past about confidence, but I've been finding it increasingly difficult lately to take my own words of advice. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my own sense of self worth.

I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.

It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.

I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.

I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

You are priceless!

Good Fortune & Favor

The streak continues. I've been offered every job for which I've interviewed (unless I withdrew interest first).

Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.

Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...

There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.

Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.