"You will be fortunate in everything."
That was in my fortune cookie today. And you know what? It's true! I am so very fortunate. I know I complain from time to time, but I really am blessed!
So, yesterday on my lunch break, I was out walking, as I often do. A homeless man caught up to me and asked if he could walk with me for a while. And he did - for almost a mile! I walked as far as the mall downtown, but this gentleman didn't like malls so he was going to go his own way. He kept talking though, trying to get me to stay outside and talk a little longer. I noticed two guys standing nearby, locking up their bikes, watching us. After my walking companion left, these guys asked if I knew of a good place to get a bite to eat. We started talking and apparently, these two guys are on a cross-country bike ride. They started in Bellingham, Washington and will be riding their bicycles to South Carolina. Why? Well, they just graduated college and wanted to do something like this, but figured they might as well do it for a good cause. They are riding to raise awareness and money for Lupus research. We talked for about 15 minutes and gave me their card. I checked their website and couldn't get them out of my mind the rest of the day. So last night, I called them and they met up with me after their interview with KXLY (ABC) news. We went to dinner last night and sat there for 3 hours talking. Afterwards, I invited them over, let them lock up their bikes in my apartment, we grabbed my friend from Alaska who is in town crashing on my couch and went out to a sports bar a couple blocks away so we could see their stint on the 11:00 news. After the news and a couple beers, back to my apartment to visit for a little while longer. Then Tony and I loaded up their bikes in our cars and took them back to their camp site. I offered my floor or my bed and I would take the floor, but they had already set up camp and paid for it so they declined.
What these two men are doing is incredible. Their passion, courage and lust for adventure really got to me. Just talking to them made me feel alive again! It stirred up something deep within me that I'm not sure how to deal with. I am envious. I told them that and they invited me along for the ride. This whole trying to be responsible and get out of debt thing really sucks right now. This is their journey, not mine, but I am thankful that our paths crossed. I really do meet the most amazing people. You should have seen the look in Tony's eyes when I walked through my apartment door at 10:00pm followed by two men with bikes. My friends often think I'm a little crazy, but those who listen to my stories agree that I am destined to meet the people that I do. The are Divine Appointments!
Tonight, the duo will be staying in Coeur d'Alene, but I was able to get a couple extra tickets to the Various Sundry concert tonight so they will join me for that. When I asked if they were interested, they were so excited. I'm just thankful that I even have this little perk (free concert tix) so that they can have a little entertainment while they are here.
They are traveling light, camping most nights and allowing themselves the luxury of a cheap hotel only every few nights. If you know anyone along their route who can hook them up with a place to crash, that would be awesome. This is something they would never ask for, but having traveled across the country myself, I was fortunate to meet people who welcomed me into their homes and provided free shelter from time to time and I hope they can find a few generous people as well. Camping gets old and hotels get expensive...
Anyways, I'm excited to see my new friends again tonight. Just being around them inspires me and reminds me to get my eyes off myself and my self-proclaimed / imposed limitations. I'm excited for the day that I break through the chains that I allow to imprison me. I'm simply not meant for this normal life. But then again...
"There is no normal life. There's just life. You live it." ~ Doc Holliday - Tombstone
Friday, June 15, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
Rumors
There is not much I hate more than rumors!!! Lately, I have been the victim of a few unfounded rumors which cast a negative light on me and call into question my character, morals and integrity. It's frustrating. I'm 29 (as of today) and I feel like I'm in high school! I wish people would just come to me if they have a problem or a question or hear something, instead of spreading lies about me. By no means am I anywhere close to perfect - I fail miserably very often. I can do enough damage to myself and my reputation without anyone else's help, thank you very much!!!
Friday, May 4, 2007
Sometimes we only get one chance...
Wednesday, I was sent to run an errand at work and decided since I was already out, I would stop at a grocery store a couple blocks away to pick something up for lunch. I needed to get back to the office, so I was in a bit of a hurry when I got there. As I was walking into the store, I noticed there was a police officer standing next to his car, a couple walking away and another lady stopped and leaned against a pillar right outside the door. I remember thinking about how there are always poor and homeless people hanging out around that particular store... Right as I was about to go through the door, I heard the woman who was leaning against the pillar start crying. She was sobbing loudly. I hesitated for a moment, feeling sorry for her and wondering if I should go to her. I noticed that her pants were wet and she had clearly lost control of her bladder. And I kept walking.
The entire time I was in the store, I was thinking that there was nothing I could do for her and I was more worried about taking care of my own needs than anything else. Get in, get what I needed and get back to work as soon as possible. It kept nagging at me though and I reasoned with myself that if she was still there when I paid for my stuff, I'd talk to her and try to help her in whatever way I could. I made a mental note that I had a blanket in the back of my car that I could cover the seat with if I needed to give her a ride somewhere. There were only 2 checkout lines open and they were both moving at a snail's pace, increasing my irritability. As soon as I got out of there, I looked for her, but she was no longer leaning against the pillar. "Oh well, she must have figured something out," I thought as I rushed to my car to head back to work. But this feeling kept nagging at me as I was driving back to the office, so I turned around and drove back toward the store. I said a quick prayer, asking God to forgive me for my selfishness and promising that if I could find her, I'd help her. I drove around the store a couple times and down all the streets in about a 2 block radius of the store and she was no where to be found. By this time, I felt so incredibly convicted, but there was nothing I could do so as I drove back toward the office again, I sincerely repented for not obeying that still small voice that I heard when I first saw the lady; the voice that made me hesitate briefly and feel compassion for her. I promised God that next time I'd listen. So about 5 blocks from the office, I was stopped at a stop light and a lady on the street motioned for me to roll down my window. I did without hesitation. She had just missed her bus and needed a ride. I let her in the car and drove her to her destination just a couple blocks from my office. She was very grateful and normally that small act would make me feel pretty good too - that I had the opportunity to help someone and did. This time, I got no joy from it. For two days now, I have not been able to get the other lady out of my mind. Maybe she was homeless. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe she was mentally ill. I will never know. But I do know being at a place of desperation, that place where emotion takes over and it doesn't matter where you are, you can't stop the flood of tears and the sobbing and you have to stop and lean against something just to keep from falling on your face in utter despair; that place where your pride goes out the window. How many of us have been so broken, so overwhelmed, so desperate, so embarrassed, that we just break down like that - without regard to where we are or who sees us? Most of us are able to maintain our composure at least until we can have a few moments alone. This lady obviously couldn't. And I saw that, and I felt just a hint of her grief, but ultimately was too worried about my time schedule than another human being. I figured she'd probably still be around after I was done doing what I wanted to do. After all, if she was homeless, how far could she get? I assumed I'd at least see her walking down the street... I was wrong.
The thing that this taught me is that sometimes we are faced with an opportunity and so many times we get one chance to do the right thing. We only get one chance. We can't just hit a "rewind" button and choose to do it over a different way. We are presented with opportunities to make a difference in someone else's life. How often do I ignore those opportunities because of my selfishness and justify it by telling myself that someone else is better equipped to handle that situation than I am? All too often I am complacent, selfish, prideful or simply lack the confidence that I have anything to offer. But the thing is, I do have something to offer. I have love, I have time... but most importantly, I have God. I hope that I never forget that moment of selfish disobedience and how badly I have felt since then. Because next time I'm faced with an opportunity, I want to do the right thing. What if that had been me? What if it had been my mother or sister or friend? Whoever she was, she was a lost sheep, a child of God, created in His image and likeness. She was not a mistake. God has a plan for her life and knew her before she was even born. She is my equal, at the very least. I am reminded, yet again that whatever I have done unto "the least of these," I've done unto the Lord (or have not done, as the case may be). Matthew 25:34-46
The entire time I was in the store, I was thinking that there was nothing I could do for her and I was more worried about taking care of my own needs than anything else. Get in, get what I needed and get back to work as soon as possible. It kept nagging at me though and I reasoned with myself that if she was still there when I paid for my stuff, I'd talk to her and try to help her in whatever way I could. I made a mental note that I had a blanket in the back of my car that I could cover the seat with if I needed to give her a ride somewhere. There were only 2 checkout lines open and they were both moving at a snail's pace, increasing my irritability. As soon as I got out of there, I looked for her, but she was no longer leaning against the pillar. "Oh well, she must have figured something out," I thought as I rushed to my car to head back to work. But this feeling kept nagging at me as I was driving back to the office, so I turned around and drove back toward the store. I said a quick prayer, asking God to forgive me for my selfishness and promising that if I could find her, I'd help her. I drove around the store a couple times and down all the streets in about a 2 block radius of the store and she was no where to be found. By this time, I felt so incredibly convicted, but there was nothing I could do so as I drove back toward the office again, I sincerely repented for not obeying that still small voice that I heard when I first saw the lady; the voice that made me hesitate briefly and feel compassion for her. I promised God that next time I'd listen. So about 5 blocks from the office, I was stopped at a stop light and a lady on the street motioned for me to roll down my window. I did without hesitation. She had just missed her bus and needed a ride. I let her in the car and drove her to her destination just a couple blocks from my office. She was very grateful and normally that small act would make me feel pretty good too - that I had the opportunity to help someone and did. This time, I got no joy from it. For two days now, I have not been able to get the other lady out of my mind. Maybe she was homeless. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe she was mentally ill. I will never know. But I do know being at a place of desperation, that place where emotion takes over and it doesn't matter where you are, you can't stop the flood of tears and the sobbing and you have to stop and lean against something just to keep from falling on your face in utter despair; that place where your pride goes out the window. How many of us have been so broken, so overwhelmed, so desperate, so embarrassed, that we just break down like that - without regard to where we are or who sees us? Most of us are able to maintain our composure at least until we can have a few moments alone. This lady obviously couldn't. And I saw that, and I felt just a hint of her grief, but ultimately was too worried about my time schedule than another human being. I figured she'd probably still be around after I was done doing what I wanted to do. After all, if she was homeless, how far could she get? I assumed I'd at least see her walking down the street... I was wrong.
The thing that this taught me is that sometimes we are faced with an opportunity and so many times we get one chance to do the right thing. We only get one chance. We can't just hit a "rewind" button and choose to do it over a different way. We are presented with opportunities to make a difference in someone else's life. How often do I ignore those opportunities because of my selfishness and justify it by telling myself that someone else is better equipped to handle that situation than I am? All too often I am complacent, selfish, prideful or simply lack the confidence that I have anything to offer. But the thing is, I do have something to offer. I have love, I have time... but most importantly, I have God. I hope that I never forget that moment of selfish disobedience and how badly I have felt since then. Because next time I'm faced with an opportunity, I want to do the right thing. What if that had been me? What if it had been my mother or sister or friend? Whoever she was, she was a lost sheep, a child of God, created in His image and likeness. She was not a mistake. God has a plan for her life and knew her before she was even born. She is my equal, at the very least. I am reminded, yet again that whatever I have done unto "the least of these," I've done unto the Lord (or have not done, as the case may be). Matthew 25:34-46
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Digging
Seriously - shoot me already...
I need a new start in a new town - where no one knows my name.
I need a new start in a new town - where no one knows my name.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Hypocrisy
I am FAR from perfect. I try to live my life the best I know how and have set some incredibly difficult standards for myself. I don't always live up to them, unfortunately. In fact, quite often I fail miserably, hurting and disappointing not only myself, but everyone else around me. I reap the consequences of my actions and sometimes those actions or consequences affect others as well. I am a horrible example of what a Christian should be… a hypocrite, if you will.
I find that I can relate quite well to Paul's struggle, as written in Romans 7:14-25:
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
The topic of hypocrisy was brought up by someone I met this past weekend. While he was not referring to me, it felt like I had been punched in the gut because I realized that I fall into that category. I know we all fail, we all miss the mark, but when it causes someone else to stumble or leaves a bad taste in their mouth about Christians in general, then it's a big deal. It's something that I know I will have to answer to God for when I stand before Him on judgment day.
I know that when I meet someone and they appear to be a certain way and then I get a glimpse into the life they really lead, the way they REALLY are, it can be disappointing. But I have no place to judge – because I know there are those out there who see me in a more positive light than they should. They think more highly of me than I deserve.
What a wretched woman I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
I am so thankful that I am saved by grace.
I find that I can relate quite well to Paul's struggle, as written in Romans 7:14-25:
"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."
The topic of hypocrisy was brought up by someone I met this past weekend. While he was not referring to me, it felt like I had been punched in the gut because I realized that I fall into that category. I know we all fail, we all miss the mark, but when it causes someone else to stumble or leaves a bad taste in their mouth about Christians in general, then it's a big deal. It's something that I know I will have to answer to God for when I stand before Him on judgment day.
I know that when I meet someone and they appear to be a certain way and then I get a glimpse into the life they really lead, the way they REALLY are, it can be disappointing. But I have no place to judge – because I know there are those out there who see me in a more positive light than they should. They think more highly of me than I deserve.
What a wretched woman I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
I am so thankful that I am saved by grace.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Unattainable
I don't understand...
…why some men see an unattainable woman as a challenge
…why some men are so strongly attracted to that challenge
…why some men give up right away
…why some men accept whatever relational capacity a woman is willing to offer
…why some men walk away from a friendship because they can't have her in the capacity they want.
Why do men always want what they can't have? And why is it that when a man finally "attains" that woman, she is no longer enough? He spends so much time, energy, money, emotions; says and does all the right things to get the woman he wants, but then when he finally breaks down her walls, gets through her defenses and gets her to that place of vulnerability and a level of reliance, he gives her up for the next challenge. He is no longer willing to put up with the little annoyances or imperfections and leaves in search of something different, something that, for a while, seems better.
Is that all we are to men – a challenge? A conquest?
And they wonder why we question their sincerity, why they have to work so hard to gain our trust and respect, why one man has to pay for another man's actions. They wonder why our walls are so high, our defenses impenetrable.
They say not to generalize or lump all men together, but you show me one man who is genuine, sincere and content with what he has and I'll show you at least 20 who are not.
"The eyes of man are never satisfied…" Proverbs 27:20
Your words are hollow, meaningless. Whether you are a friend, pastor, co-worker, relative, acquaintance or an interest, I listen and observe – and your actions and character speak louder than the words you speak.
…why some men see an unattainable woman as a challenge
…why some men are so strongly attracted to that challenge
…why some men give up right away
…why some men accept whatever relational capacity a woman is willing to offer
…why some men walk away from a friendship because they can't have her in the capacity they want.
Why do men always want what they can't have? And why is it that when a man finally "attains" that woman, she is no longer enough? He spends so much time, energy, money, emotions; says and does all the right things to get the woman he wants, but then when he finally breaks down her walls, gets through her defenses and gets her to that place of vulnerability and a level of reliance, he gives her up for the next challenge. He is no longer willing to put up with the little annoyances or imperfections and leaves in search of something different, something that, for a while, seems better.
Is that all we are to men – a challenge? A conquest?
And they wonder why we question their sincerity, why they have to work so hard to gain our trust and respect, why one man has to pay for another man's actions. They wonder why our walls are so high, our defenses impenetrable.
They say not to generalize or lump all men together, but you show me one man who is genuine, sincere and content with what he has and I'll show you at least 20 who are not.
"The eyes of man are never satisfied…" Proverbs 27:20
Your words are hollow, meaningless. Whether you are a friend, pastor, co-worker, relative, acquaintance or an interest, I listen and observe – and your actions and character speak louder than the words you speak.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
Frusterated
Someone broke into my car last night - busted out the front, passenger window, cleaned out my glove box and center console. My insurance will not be paying for the window to be replaced since I don't have comprehensive coverage, but even if I did, my deductible would have been higher than the cost of the new window. So, that is almost $200 out of pocket!
Missing - car registrations, insurance info, misc. receipts (oil changes, tires, other car related), an old book of checks (duplicates only - no real checks), random mail, other miscellaneous junk I kept in there, my new travel coffee mug, a box of presents that I was going to take to the post office today to mail to my mom and siblings - along with a check.
What they left - an expensive tripod for my camera, all my CDs, my Bible (go figure!), a fleece blanket and everything in my trunk.
Now WHAT would they want with all my papers with all my information? I know they have my name, address, previous address, bank account number and God only knows what else.
I've never really worried about someone stealing STUFF from me. Stuff can be replaced and if they are going to steal from me, they must need it more than I do. I'm not worried about anything they took. What I am worried about is the potential for identity theft.
Please keep me in your prayers. And let's hope they catch whoever did it. Mine wasn't the first car to be hit in my neighborhood and I doubt it'll be the last.
Missing - car registrations, insurance info, misc. receipts (oil changes, tires, other car related), an old book of checks (duplicates only - no real checks), random mail, other miscellaneous junk I kept in there, my new travel coffee mug, a box of presents that I was going to take to the post office today to mail to my mom and siblings - along with a check.
What they left - an expensive tripod for my camera, all my CDs, my Bible (go figure!), a fleece blanket and everything in my trunk.
Now WHAT would they want with all my papers with all my information? I know they have my name, address, previous address, bank account number and God only knows what else.
I've never really worried about someone stealing STUFF from me. Stuff can be replaced and if they are going to steal from me, they must need it more than I do. I'm not worried about anything they took. What I am worried about is the potential for identity theft.
Please keep me in your prayers. And let's hope they catch whoever did it. Mine wasn't the first car to be hit in my neighborhood and I doubt it'll be the last.
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