Rude Awakening

Can I just say that waking up at 4:18 am is never pleasant, not to mention the cause was the sound of my 100 year old vintage doorbell/buzzer thing. I stumble out of bed, all discombobulated, having no idea what to expect on the other side of the door so I just open it a crack and before I see anyone, I hear "Spokane Police Department, ma'am." Immediately every possible horrific scenario starts running through my head, but the sound of my sisters voice behind me calms me down a little bit. At least I know she's safe... but what the...?

SPD: "Do you own a silver Camry?"
Me: "Yes."
SPD: "It's been hit."
Me: (suddenly realizing I'm not wearing a bra under my t-shirt and crossing my hands over my chest) "Hit? As in, by a car? Or someone broke into it again?"
SPD: (Chuckling) "As in, by a car. Bad. It's undrivable."
Me: (Suddenly very self conscious about my bed head, mis-matched PJs, morning breath, no bra, eye-boogers and smeared makeup) "Hit and run or do you know who hit it?"
SPD: "We found the car near the MAC, but no driver. He also hit a tree."
Me: (genuinely concerned) "Oh my God, I hope he's okay."
SPD: (Laughing) "Um, yeah... well, the guy should have just stopped when he hit you, before he hit the tree and whatever else he may have hit along the way."

Then he goes into how normally they just leave the accident report on the car, but since he figured it was probably how I intended to get to work today, I might want to have some forewarning so I could leave early or make other arrangements. He hands me the accident report, apologizes for the rude awakening and leaves.

I, being the curious cat that I am, decide that I can't wait until "morning" to see the damage so I grab my coat and shoes and head downstairs to check it out with my sister at my heels. The cop is still out there so I asked how they found out. Apparently someone called in a collision near Cedar Ave so they came to check it out, saw my car, then a tree on the other side of the road that had been hit as well. Then they got another call about a car in a parking lot a few blocks away near the Museum of Arts & Culture that looked pretty banged up, but no driver to be found. They checked it out and determined it was definitely the car that hit me, airbags had been deployed and they think the driver has a head injury. It was registered to someone named Kelly.

I called the insurance company, filed a claim and took pictures. So, the guy didn't just side-swipe me. He hit the left rear of the car so hard that he pushed the back end of my car onto the curb. Check out how far from the line the back of the car is. Crazy.



I sure hope this isn't indicative of how the rest of my day is going to go. I really hope the guy has insurance and if he doesn't, I really hope I don't run into problems with my insurance company. And... I hope Kelly is okay. I googled him and found his myspace. It appears that he was planning to be out at The Boulevard (night club) tonight. Drunk, I assume. Ha! Gotta love myspace!

Well, I have to say, I am actually really glad the cop woke me up because it would suck to head out to my car with maybe 5 minutes to get to work, only to find that I can't drive it. I better hop in the shower, get ready and start walking. Peace, y'all!

There but for the grace of God, go I.

This afternoon as everyone was filing out of the office to head home, soccer practice, football practice, dinner or wherever it is that they all go, someone noticed a man lying in the middle of the street just about a block up from where I work. A lot of cars were stopped and people staring from the sidewalks. One of my friends walked up there to find out what was going on and if she could help.

Turns out, some guy decided life wasn't worth living any longer and he walked out into the middle of the busiest street in Spokane at the busiest time of the day (Division Street at rush hour) and just laid down, hoping to be hit by some vehicle hard enough to end his life. People stopped and were trying to talk him into moving, but he refused, so a couple of guys picked him up and moved him to the sidewalk and called the police.

I'd be lying if I said I never contemplated ending my life. Yes, I know it's selfish and cowardly, but I know that place of hopelessness and despair. Thankfully though, someone has reached out to me in those midnight moments and loved me, prayed for me, offered me a helping hand and gave me a glimmer of hope. When you hit rock bottom, you have two choices - lie there and wait for death or pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up, step by painful step. Sometimes my life is difficult or sad and there are times that I feel like such a failure - like I've made all the wrong decisions, screwed up too bad and too many times, hurt too many people and am not worthy of love, forgiveness or even the air that I breathe. There are days that I wonder if I will end up homeless; days when I believe I would be disowned by my friends and family if they really knew the "real" me and days when I can't blame the drunk passed out on the sidewalk because of all the times I, myself, have looked to the bottle to escape from reality, numb my pain or quiet my mind. I see it every day - the glazed eyes, blank stares of empty souls. And my heart goes out to them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I."

Powerless

Big time family drama. I feel powerless.

Friend is going through a rough time. I feel powerless.

My financial situation is overwhelming me lately. I feel powerless.

My closest friends are increasingly disgruntled with their jobs, marriages, lives, etc. I feel powerless.

And I need some sleep. Damn this insomnia!

Ever just wish someone would wrap you up tight and tell you they love you and it's okay to be powerless?

I shed a tear last night... just one. First one in over 6 months.

Winds of Change

The winds of change are blowing...

Some days I feel it as a light breeze, softly brushing my skin, almost undetectable.

Other days, it's as if I'm in the midst of a tempest. It hits me with such force that it knocks me to the ground, rocks me to the very core of my being and drenches me to the bone. I am left shuddering, clinging for dear life to whatever immovable object I can find.

But then there are days when it comes in these invigorating gusts, energizing me, blowing away all the surface crap and leaving me feeling refreshed and excited.

Today is one of those days.

I have made a few decisions lately, one of which is to look for a new church. I love the people in the church I've been going to, but I just feel like it's not where I am supposed to be - at least for a season. It's a time for refreshment, encouragement and spiritual growth. I'm excited to see what this new chapter will bring.

Not Again!

Someone just broke into my car... AGAIN! This happened earlier this year in front of my apartment and it just happened again this morning in my office parking lot in broad daylight. They busted in my front passenger window and took my gym bag. I never leave anything in plain view in my car when I am parked at home or anywhere overnight. But I was going to hit the gym at lunch and in 2 1/2 years of working here, no one has ever had any problems in our parking lot. Guess there is a first time for everything. They also broke into April's car (I'm sorry, April!), but thankfully, they didn't take anything from her.

I'm frustrated, but not nearly as upset as I was the first time. It does kind of suck that I just bought new gym clothes recently and my running shoes are NOT cheap. I'll be out close to $400 when it's all said and done for new window, tinting, running shoes and gym clothes. But on the bright side, at least I took my iPod out of my gym bag the other day.

Ugh! I'm having a tough time keeping a good attitude... keep me in your prayers. Peace!

Sturgis

My Sturgis Trip:

We left late Friday night (8/3/07) after waiting for 2 hours after the already postponed time we set to accomodate our friends so that had the boys in quite the mood. The road construction for the first 10 miles on the freeway didn't help. Finally, we were on the road, Mike (Otis) was drunk and wasn't slowing down on the drinking, KariLynn didn't feel comfortable driving such a big truck hauling such a big trailer so Mike C. and I took turns at the wheel. We picked up Otis' sister on Saturday morning and rolled into Sturgis Saturday afternoon.



So, originally, it was just supposed to be Mike & KariLynn and me & Otis. Then about a week before we left, Otis tells me we are picking up his sister on the way, but that she had friends to ride with once we were there. Well, her riding partner couldn't make it and she didn't spend much time with her other friends so she was pretty much the 5th wheel the whole week. And talk about attitude. This woman is rough... very abrasive. She is the most selfish and unpleasant person I have met in a long time and she was really the biggest downer of my trip. At one point, it took every ounce of self-control and grace I had to stop me from punching her in the kisser! Thankfully though, KariLynn was there and I absolutely love, love, love hanging out with her. She was so much fun all week. It was nice to see her let loose a little without her kids around.



But, on the bright side, the place was amazing. I've never seen so many bikes in one place. The people were so... colorful, entertaining and fun-loving. They were just average people, out to have a good time and let loose for a week and I loved it! The rides were incredible! Breath-taking views, historic landmarks, winding roads, great little hole-in-the-wall dive bars filled with smiles, laughter and camaraderie amongst strangers. And then there were the concerts. So many - in our campsite, other camps and some of the local venues. It would have been impossible tosee all of them. We made it to Tanya Tucker, .38 Special, Fuel, Ted Nugent and Godsmack. We also could hear Smashmouth and Joan Jett from our campsite. We also caught a few tribute bands. My favorite concert was the Nuge! Course, that night it was just me, Mike C. and KariLynn and I'll just say, we were all feeling pretty darned good.



The weather was crazy! It was hot as heck during the day, but lots of thunderstorms and wind! Our tents all but blew away. One night we came back to find one tent blown on its side, mine was still staked to the ground, but the frame was collapsed and our awning was flipped up over the trailer - all the rods bent or broken. It was even double-staked AND tied down, but the wind still got it. That sucked!

Wednesday was our last full day there before splitting up to go our separate ways on Thursday. Otis and I both got tattoos. His was a banner under his Harley tat that said "'06 Sturgis '07".... And I'm sure you will all just be shocked to know what I got... it's on my foot... check it out. This was before he did some highlighting with white, but it's pretty darn close to the finished product...



Thursday morning was rough. Mike and KariLynn went to see Devil's Tower and were planning to meet up with the rest of us in a particular town for lunch before taking the truck and trailer so Otis and I could ride back. But, while I napped in the back seat of the truck, Otis and Michelle managed to get us lost. Way the heck out in BFE!!! And they were not happy about it... but then they found a horrible map and decided that we could take a short cut back to where we needed to be. Well, the short cut put us on a dirt road that brought us back to the place that I fell asleep.



We were late meeting up with M&K and since we didn't have cell coverage out in BFE, they were frustrated that they couldn't get ahold of us, thought we were ahead of them and rode like mad to catch up - all the while, we were about an hour behind them. It was pretty funny to me, but I am more laid back and these things don't generally get to me. Otis and Mike and Michelle were all livid though! They were all mad at each other, none of them accepting any blame for the longest time... oh boy... none of them were pleasant to be around. Finally, we met up with the M&K and realized the trailer, all of our luggage and the bikes were covered a thick layer of dust from the dirt road, which pissed everyone off even more so we had to stop by a car wash, unload everything spray out the trailer and bikes, dust off the luggage and re-pack. What a fiasco!!! I was so relieved when we all got on the road again, this time with Michelle, Mike & KariLynn in the truck and me and Otis on the bike.



The ride back to Spokane was incredible. Otis and I stayed with his parents in Absorokee, MT on Thursday night, then drove through Beartooth Pass to Cook City and through Yellowstone on Friday. The ride and the views were amazing. I loved it. Friday night we camped at a KOA in West Yellowstone. We froze our butts off and didn't get a lot of sleep on that hard, rocky ground. Saturday, we drove up through Montana, stopped in Virginia City and met an old cowboy named T. Ray Becker. He fell in love with me, told me stories and cited some of his poetry before selling us one of his CDs and buying us drinks with the proceeds. He told me I was a gypsy (before seeing my tattoo) and kindred spirit and if only he were 30 years younger... :) Great man, though. I loved that city. We then headed up to Butte and then took the scenic byway through Anaconda, Phillipsburg (where we stopped for lunch) and Drummond where we got back on I-90. After that, it was Missoula, Rock Creek and St. Regis, where we planned to camp for the night. However, after not getting much sleep the night before, we decided to bite the bullet and ride the rest of the way home so we could get a good sleep and hot showers. Then Sunday, we took off again and did Thompson Pass. That was a lot of riding, my friends. By butt hurt like nobody's business!

All in all, it was a great trip, but I can tell you this... next time, I ride alone. Yes, that means learning to ride and buying a bike - but it'll be worth it!!!



And that's all for now, folks. Thanks for reading. More pictures will be posted eventually.

Disconnect

A conversation today left me feeling confused about the state of my heart & emotions. The feelings I walked away from the conversation with, surprised me - that ache deep down in my heart... I don't know how to deal with it.

Life is not a dress rehearsal - I can't expect to get more than one chance at something.

Disconnected... looking forward to a day of rest. Happy 4th, everyone! Be safe!