Uncomfortable Truth

I'm agitated... not in a good place...

You know when someone says something to you and as much as you deny it, the truth of it just starts to burrow it's way under your skin and into your nerves and just makes you very uncomfortable?

That's kind of where I am.

But I don't know what to do about it.

Personal Rant

I consider myself a pretty upbeat person most days. I am happy, outgoing, friendly and generally optimistic. My journal sees more varied emotions and low points than even my closest friends. Often, people comment on my attitude and ask how I can be happy as often as I am. Almost daily someone comments on my smile, sense of humor and ability to let things roll off my back. But, I am human. I do have my days when I feel sad, lost, lonely, irritated or grouchy. I have days where I lack the energy or desire to put on a smile, laugh at a joke or make the effort to be a good conversationalist.

Sunday evening was one of those times when I felt sad and lonely. It was short lived, but instead of showing some understanding and just being there, offering your ear or support or even a simple kind word, you seemed irritated that I wasn't in a good mood, laughing at you like I always do and being your "good time gal." You want me to cheer you up when you are grouchy, put up with you when you are cantankerous and just be there whenever you need me. If I don't answer a call or respond to a text right away, you take it personally, but get impatient with me if I react in the same manner. You expect me to be at your beckon call, but don't even think twice when you are unresponsive for days or weeks on end. You say that you want to be the one I call when things are good as well as when things are bad, that I should lean on you in those times. But in the same conversation, you tell me things are bad enough in your life right now without adding my issues. You even refrain from calling me when you think I may be in a bad mood. That is not being there for me, my friend.

Just to be clear - I'm happy to be there for you whenever you want or need me. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you or hear your voice on the other end of the line. I don't care what mood you are in, I want you to be real with me. But I don't think it's selfish to want the same in return. If you can't or choose not to be that person for me, then I respect that. I'm used to giving more than I take - in fact, most of my friendships are like that. But don't pretend to be different if you are not. I won't be your cure-all pill. But if you really want everything - prove it.

"I Will... But..."
~SheDaisy~

I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill

I won't be your Friday paycheck
I won't be the prize you flaunt
And I won't be your Martha Stewart, baby
Or your all-night restaurant

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

I won't be your crutch to lean on
I won't wear stiletto heels
I won't walk a mile in your shoes
Just so I know how it feels

I won't be your obligation
I won't be your Barbie doll
I won't be the portrait of perfection
To adorn you wall

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

Hey - you know, you know I will
All right

I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

Yeah, I will, I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will be the whole shebang
I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will, I will, I will - yeah

The Unattainable

It always amuses me that men want what they can't have. The unattainable is so attractive to them, for some reason.

Today I realized I too, am guilty of desiring the impossible. What's with that?

"The eyes of man (and Sandra) are never satisfied..." Proverbs 27:20

Thank God for Sisters

Four years ago, my sister saved my life. I was at the end of my rope and wanted out. I had spent hours begging God to take me home, but I knew he wouldn't. I wanted to end my life and I think I would have had my sister not called me at just the right moment and talked me back from the edge, so to speak. I'm so grateful for her wisdom, encouragement and discernment.
Thank you, Heather, for listening to the Holy Spirit and obeying. Your call that day, 4 years ago, saved my life. I love you.

New Year's Resolutions

I usually don't make New Years Resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment or failure. Lame, right? But I know myself well enough to know what is important to me and what things I tend to put on the back burner. I wish certain things were more important to me, but I slack on them.

Last year, however, I borrowed a friend's NYR. I resolved to do something I had never done before EVERY MONTH. And I'm happy to announce that I succeeded. Some months it was a challenge and other months, I was able to get in 3 or 4 new experiences. There were no rules; it simply had to be something that I, personally, had never done - big or small. Over the course of 2007, I brought in New Years in Times Square NYC, hitchhiked, got a tattoo, went to Sturgis Biker Rally, visited a clothing-optional beach, learned to play poker, skinny dipped (or in my case, chunky dunked), earned beads, donated blood, sponsored a child, bet on horse races, joined a running club, water skied and tubed, went to/participated in a live auction, rode a motorcycle and got my endorsement, bought a car by myself, went to San Francisco and saw the Golden Gate bridge and Alcatraz, went to Tijuana and so much more. The only other resolution that I can remember keeping was the resolution to travel out of my city at least once a month and that has been 3 years running. Hopefully I can continue the monthly new experiences as well.

I am on a quest to live life to the fullest and sometimes the mundane, day to day crap gets in the way. I get tired and bored and stagnant. But when I am challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone, to experience new things and to NOT allow fear to stop me - THAT is when I feel most alive.

This year I would like to work on bettering myself physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If I can end 2008 feeling more healthy in every one of those areas, I'd be happy. I'd also like to see a stamp on my new passport before the year is through. But more than all of that, I simply want to have a grateful heart and positive attitude. I have spent too many years being cynical and suspicious and making my walls impenetrable. I think it's time to open myself up and that is the scariest challenge of all. So there you have it. I'm always up for suggestions and accountability to help me succeed in these areas so bring it on.

Feliz Navidad!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!! I'm sitting in a Starbucks (curse them, but at least they aren't playing Christmas music) because it's the only place that is open where I can get online (for a hefty fee... curse T-Mobile too!!!). But, I am in sunny San Diego and am having a great time. Life is good. I'm staying in our corporate apartment and enjoying exploring and watching sunsets and going to the beach and drinking wine and meeting new people. It's been a great couple of days. A much needed break from the cold.

I think I'm going to finish up an email and then head to the beach. I tried to find Black's Beach yesterday, but the google directions were not accurate. It's all good. I still found a beach and watched the sunset.

I hope that you are all happy and healthy and surrounded by people you love. Have an extra helping of ham/turkey/goose/stuffing/eggnog/hot buttered rum/etc. for me. I think I'll have steak and margaritas for my Christmas dinner.

Much love and God bless each and every one of you.

Epiphany

These walls that I've constructed...
Built for my protection...
To protect my heart, my freedom, my independence...

They have become my prison.