Babies

My brother-in-law sent a new picture of my nephew today. Little Jonah is already fitting in nicely with the rest of the family. This is a common expression among the Ziegenfuss and Mahle clans.



Also, my best friend's wife had their baby this morning around 8:30AM. She was due on my birthday (next week), but little Lydia Jean Boman just couldn't wait any longer.

Trust Issues

To say that I have trust issues would be the understatement of the year. In fact, there is no one, not a single person, in my life that I trust implicitly. Friends who have known me for years, people I consider my closest friends don't know so much about me. I prefer it that way. The less they know, the less they can use against me later and the less they can "accidentally" let slip around others, judge me for or even use as an excuse for their own behavior. When they find something out, they often wonder how they never knew that little fact about me. The thing is, I keep a lot to myself, but I talk enough about other things that they think they know me pretty well. It's not ONLY because of how someone will react to those little tidbits of information, though. If it's something bad, something I'm ashamed of or a sin - I have already repented of it and have moved on, God has already forgiven me and forgotten about it, so why should I dredge it up just so someone else can "know" me better? So, when certain topics come up that I want to avoid, I usually change the subject and turn the spotlight back on that person. People like to talk about themselves so it's usually an easy escape.

One of my closest friends is an open book (about most things). She tells me a lot about her life in a very matter-of-fact way. She could tell me she was dying of cancer or that she had murdered someone or that she won the lottery or was sleeping with the president, but she'd say it in the same way she would inform me that she went to the grocery store today. Like it's not a big deal, it just is what it is - bring on the consequences. No emotion, no embarassment, no shame, no doubt or concern in how I will react. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. It's as if she really doesn't care what I think of her... or maybe it's that she simply trusts that this information will not change my opinion of her and that I'll keep my mouth shut about whatever she tells me.

It's not that I feel like I live a life shrouded in secrecy, but I am very selective about what information I divulge and to whom. I think if everyone who knew me got together and compiled all that they know about me, you might be able to see a pretty close to complete picture... but then again, there are things that no one knows... things that could possibly change a lot of people's opinions about me. So, in letting them believe whatever they believe they know about me, am I being dishonest? Is an omission of the truth the same as a lie?

At any rate, over the last month, especially, I've been attempting to be more transparent and trusting. It is very difficult. Today I shared information with a friend and as soon as the words left my lips, I regretted uttering them. I have felt an unshakeable feeling of dread. It's the same feeling I get EVERY time I open up and let someone in - even a fraction more than before. I wish I would have been able to get out of the conversation, but I felt backed into a corner. I was asked a question, point blank. No warning, no way out. And the thought of lying to her made me sick so I blurted out the truthful answer.

As much as I pretend to NOT care what others think about me, I do very much. This one little instance probably doesn't change anything in my friend's mind, but if certain other people were to find out the same little tidbit of information, it would be a huge deal to them. As a matter of fact, there seem to be a lot of situations lately that I feel I have no choice but to trust other people. And it's the most uncomfortable feeling I've known in a long time.

And then there are the trust issues as they relate to men and relationships. That is a whole other topic all together. As a friend of mine once said, "You have Jericho built around your heart."

So, do I go back to my old ways and just keep everything locked up inside where no one can be close enough or know enough to hurt me? Or do I continue on this journey of transparency, and in doing so, allow people I care about to have the opportunity to earn my trust and really get to know the "real" me?

My Newest Love

Sunday afternoon, my sister, Heather, had her baby. Little Jonah Wade Mahle made his grand entrance around 4pm Alaska time, weighing in at 8 lbs, 13 oz. and measuring 21 inches long. Apparently he's got huge hands and feet, but all I've seen of him so far is his fat little cheeks. I can't wait to meet him when I take a trip to Juneau this summer.

Funny how you can love someone so much that you haven't even met yet. My heart is so happy I can hardly sit still. I'm so proud of my little sister. She's a great mom!

Quote of the Day

"Never allow someone to be your PRIORITY while allowing yourself to be their OPTION."

Date

Sometimes I just want to be asked out on a date.
Even if it is *just* a date.

I want to dress up, put on some make up, be picked up, go to dinner in a quiet restaurant, sip some wine, have an intelligent and stimulating conversation, laugh, have the door opened for me, maybe a few slow dances, be dropped off and maybe even get a goodnight kiss on the cheek and a hug.

I don't want to pick the place, pick him up or pay the bill and have him walk me to the door only because he has some unreasonable expectations or wants (tries) to stick his tongue down my throat.

Do any men move slowly anymore?

Where is your focus?

Okay, so my thoughts are all over the place today. It’s been a week that has provoked a lot of deep thought. This may seem like one heck of a rabbit trail, but bear with me. Sunday, I went to church with a friend. At this church, there was a special speaker and he talked about a lot (most pastors love to talk and can get pretty long winded), but what struck me the most was the simple truth that we spend so much time focusing on our sins, our struggles that it’s all we can think about… Don’t do this, don’t do that. Rules. Regulations. Legalism. It’s like when you are on a diet, all you can think about is food. When you are trying to be a "good Christian" all you seem to notice are the temptations and your failures. Our perspective is all wrong. Instead of focusing on the sin, struggles, temptations, we should simply be focusing on God. The more we meditate on Him and WHO HE IS and his love and goodness, the more we want to be in His presence. It’s like we get tunnel vision and all we care about, all we can see is Him. The more our eyes are on Him, the more we start to change and become like Him. Sure, we’ll still fall from time to time – we will never achieve perfection – but we’ll notice that these sins and temptations that once consumed us are no longer such a struggle.

I was talking to another friend today who has recently gone through some pretty major failures. He is being judged, his character called into question and outright defamed. He hears and reads all these horrible, malicious, slanderous statements about himself and it’s really taking a toll on him. He just wants to put the past behind him and move on, but finds it impossible to do so because everywhere he turns his sins are being thrown back in his face. There is no grace, no mercy, no forgiveness from these people he once called friends, many of them Christians. He will never be able to undo what he has done, but he’ll also never be able to grow and change if he lets his shame keep him from accepting the grace and forgiveness that is freely offered by Christ – the One who already paid his debt IN FULL. He’ll never grow as long as other people and their opinions distract him. I told him to focus on God, to keep his eyes GLUED on God and not on his circumstances, not on his past and not on other people and what they think or say about him. He retorted that it’s easier said than done. Trust me - I know how hard it is. I have spent a lot of time training myself and choosing EVERY DAY to live my life for an audience of ONE.

Speaking of focus and distraction, I went to a church service Tuesday night and they had this human video. Most of you churched people know what that is, but for those who don’t, it’s kind of like a silent play – done to a song. I’ve always thought they were so cheesy, but this one really spoke to me. The "video" starts out with Jesus and a girl. They walk through life and He shows her things, opens her eyes to who He his – and she begins to trust Him and they dance. As they are dancing, a handsome man walks up with a rose in his mouth and steals her away on a dance of their own. She becomes so wrapped up in him that she doesn’t see Jesus trying to get her to come back or be included in that part of her life. Soon someone else walks by with this wad of cash in his hands and as she pushes the man with the rose away, she starts snatching up money and following the guy that’s handing it out. Then a gal walks by with a tape measure – measuring her, judging her, motioning that she’s too fat, her hair is all wrong so she follows her for a while. Then comes a guy with a bottle and offers it to this girl. They eat, drink and enjoy the high and then come the pills… The money is snatched away, leaving her with drink and pills that she quickly consumes. She is alone until someone else walks in and offers her a way out – suicide. She is at the end of herself, nothing to live for, she’s lost it all and is ready to pull the trigger. All the while, Jesus is crying, trying to her attention – but each person (temptation/distraction) that comes and goes in her life push Him farther and farther away. Somehow, she remembers Him and looks back. He holds His hands out and she jumps up and tries to get to Him, but the people who are standing between her and Jesus thrash on her. They block her from getting to Him, they throw her around, push her to the ground, beat up on her. When she calls out to Him, He jumps to her rescue – finally given her permission, he picks her up, brushes her off and embraces her… and they begin to dance again.

Wow! How many times are we distracted – by love, lust, family, careers, others opinions, substances, people, "friends?" Not all of these distractions are bad things, but it’s easy to put them before our relationship with Christ. How often do we push God out of our lives and only when we are at the end of our rope do we call out for Him? I am guilty – countless times over. It’s not usually as dramatic as this little production, but rather a gradual, subtle process. He’s a gentleman though – he will never force Himself on someone who doesn’t want Him in their life. But He’s always there – waiting patiently, wanting to be let back in – wanting to be our partner in this dance of life.

Lost?

As a 20 something (30 next month) who was raised in the church and youth group, a friend’s blog kind of hit home today and brought on this thought process (thanks Jon). The church has ministries for children, youth, college age, young married, married with kids, over 40 singles, senior groups, Mothers of Preschoolers, Moms in Touch, Promise Keepers, recovery classes, etc. I’ve always thought that ministries directed toward the 22 - 35ish (especially single) age group are lacking. Maybe I feel that way because I’ve spent the last 4 years single and the last 3 1/2 years in small churches where I just don’t feel like I can find a "fit." That being said, I think part of it has something to do with the lack of interest by those in this age group. We’re a generation of lost souls who don’t even know we’re lost. We fill the voids in our lives with everything BUT God. We pursue relationships, careers, money, travel and experiences and can’t seem to find the time or use for church or God. We climb the corporate latter, only to find that we can never really reach the top. The more money we make, the more we spend and find ourselves increasingly in debt so we reach for that next rung thinking that we’ll find a position to help us make more money and get ahead. We spend so much time at work that we don’t feel we’ve balanced it well enough with a social life so to unwind, we start going out having a few drinks with the coworkers or friends. We hit coffee shops, bars, clubs, concerts and all sorts of other venues to escape the loneliness and quiet of an empty home – and call this having a social life. We want to enjoy life while we are young so we turn into a bunch of traveling addicts and thrill seekers, always chasing the next high. Then we get tired of not having anyone to share these experiences with and the thought of going home (or on vacation) alone again is not appealing so we look for substances to numb us or relationships to complete us. But where do we find like-minded people our own age? Finding someone at work is usually discouraged and besides, it seems most of them are married anyway. Some look at church, bars, events or online dating services with no luck. When we do find that certain someone, we expect physical intimacy to fill this big gaping hole in our lives, only to find that instead of feeling complete, we are left feeling even more empty and lost, thus causing the epidemic of short-lived and unfulfilling relationships and more sexual partners than we can remember. Yet, we still don’t see our need for God. We don’t realize that it’s a "God shaped hole" that nothing else can fill. We tell ourselves how much we love the freedom of our lifestyles, always busy, always succeeding, always on the go, always running from the subtle nagging thought that there has got to be more to life than this.

My question is not WHO is going to reach these people, but HOW do you reach a people that refuse to admit that they are lost?....