Trust Issues

To say that I have trust issues would be the understatement of the year. In fact, there is no one, not a single person, in my life that I trust implicitly. Friends who have known me for years, people I consider my closest friends don't know so much about me. I prefer it that way. The less they know, the less they can use against me later and the less they can "accidentally" let slip around others, judge me for or even use as an excuse for their own behavior. When they find something out, they often wonder how they never knew that little fact about me. The thing is, I keep a lot to myself, but I talk enough about other things that they think they know me pretty well. It's not ONLY because of how someone will react to those little tidbits of information, though. If it's something bad, something I'm ashamed of or a sin - I have already repented of it and have moved on, God has already forgiven me and forgotten about it, so why should I dredge it up just so someone else can "know" me better? So, when certain topics come up that I want to avoid, I usually change the subject and turn the spotlight back on that person. People like to talk about themselves so it's usually an easy escape.

One of my closest friends is an open book (about most things). She tells me a lot about her life in a very matter-of-fact way. She could tell me she was dying of cancer or that she had murdered someone or that she won the lottery or was sleeping with the president, but she'd say it in the same way she would inform me that she went to the grocery store today. Like it's not a big deal, it just is what it is - bring on the consequences. No emotion, no embarassment, no shame, no doubt or concern in how I will react. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. It's as if she really doesn't care what I think of her... or maybe it's that she simply trusts that this information will not change my opinion of her and that I'll keep my mouth shut about whatever she tells me.

It's not that I feel like I live a life shrouded in secrecy, but I am very selective about what information I divulge and to whom. I think if everyone who knew me got together and compiled all that they know about me, you might be able to see a pretty close to complete picture... but then again, there are things that no one knows... things that could possibly change a lot of people's opinions about me. So, in letting them believe whatever they believe they know about me, am I being dishonest? Is an omission of the truth the same as a lie?

At any rate, over the last month, especially, I've been attempting to be more transparent and trusting. It is very difficult. Today I shared information with a friend and as soon as the words left my lips, I regretted uttering them. I have felt an unshakeable feeling of dread. It's the same feeling I get EVERY time I open up and let someone in - even a fraction more than before. I wish I would have been able to get out of the conversation, but I felt backed into a corner. I was asked a question, point blank. No warning, no way out. And the thought of lying to her made me sick so I blurted out the truthful answer.

As much as I pretend to NOT care what others think about me, I do very much. This one little instance probably doesn't change anything in my friend's mind, but if certain other people were to find out the same little tidbit of information, it would be a huge deal to them. As a matter of fact, there seem to be a lot of situations lately that I feel I have no choice but to trust other people. And it's the most uncomfortable feeling I've known in a long time.

And then there are the trust issues as they relate to men and relationships. That is a whole other topic all together. As a friend of mine once said, "You have Jericho built around your heart."

So, do I go back to my old ways and just keep everything locked up inside where no one can be close enough or know enough to hurt me? Or do I continue on this journey of transparency, and in doing so, allow people I care about to have the opportunity to earn my trust and really get to know the "real" me?