I flew into Juneau last night. I'll be here for a little over a week caring for my 5 youngest siblings. They are in foster care with one of my adult siblings, but she and her family are on vacation for a few weeks. The vacation was booked and paid for several months before the kids were removed from my mother's custody. My little brother and his wife took the kids for the first week and will have them for almost another full week after I leave, but I was able to come up to relieve them for a while.

I got in later than expected last night so the kids just stayed another night with my brother and brought them over this morning. I had them for about two hours before OCS (Office of Children Services) picked them up for their supervised visitation with our mother. They should be returning any minute. I'm not really sure what to expect their mood to be when the get here. They were in good spirits this morning, but I've heard these visits sometimes stress them out. They were telling me stories this morning about experiences with mom that really disturb me.

I'm praying that my mother focus on getting healthy so she can get the kids back. She is capable of being a wonderful mother and I know this situation is probably harder on her than anyone. I hope she chooses to put the children's health and safety first. If anyone out there prays, please pray for my family.

In other news, it is always weird for me to be back in Juneau. This town is pregnant with memories that I can't escape. And it's colder than a witch's tit outside!

The kids have arrived so I must go... later.

Return to Real Life

It hasn't been the easiest two weeks, but Ken has made it so much more bearable than it could have been. He has waited on me hand and foot and handled all of my post-op care. He emptied and recorded my drain tubes (not a pleasant task), made sure I took my pills on schedule, cooked for me, kept my water bottle full, drove me to my doctor appointments, brought me coffee, washed my laundry (even paying attention to my special-care clothing) and brought me anything I wanted or needed so I didn't have to get up. He made sure I was as comfortable as I could be at all times and took my doctor's orders very seriously and literally wouldn't let me do ANYTHING. And his constant encouragement and kind words have helped tremendously with the psychological and emotional parts of my recovery.

The road to recovery is long and I'm not there yet, but I have finally returned to the land of the living. I'm finally feeling steady enough to go for walks, take showers standing up, help out around the house and even drive. Restrictions were lifted as of this past Thursday, but I still wasn't ready to do many things. I think I just needed to get the pain pills out of my system. They did NOT make me feel good. They masked the pain for a while, but the side effects made me feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. Now I am taking Aleve for the pain and while I'm still in a good bit of pain, it is so nice to not feel like I'm going to vomit or faint at any given moment.

I return to work tomorrow so I must drive back to Spokane tonight. It's bittersweet. I've never had someone take such amazing care of me. I'm going to miss seeing Ken every day and being there when he gets off work. I really enjoy living alone, but it is sometimes too quiet and too lonely. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine, being able to go out and do things and see friends. I've felt like I've been under house arrest or in quarantine for much of the last 2+ weeks. I hope I don't have too much to catch up on at work. There shouldn't be much because I wrote extensive notes and delegated all the daily tasks to others in the office. I just have this sneaky suspicion that I'll have to fix a lot of mistakes and do things that everyone else forgot about (or chose not to do). On top of that, I'll be training a new employee. I hired an accounting tech who starts my first day back. Should be interesting.

I feel so lucky to have Ken in my life. I know we'll return to our schedule of seeing each other a few days a week (weather permitting), but I just feel a little sad and miss him already. Two years ago today was our very first date and it's been a wonderful two years. I couldn't ask for a better man!

Surgery Scheduled

After almost 10 years of wanting to do this, I am finally going through with it. I am getting a breast reduction!

Some say to "just lose weight." I am 5'10" and have been as heavy as 195 lbs and as light as 137 lbs. My breast size has never changed.

Some say to "build stronger back/neck/shoulder muscles" to alleviate the pain. I'm not body builder and I do admit that my upper body strength isn't anything to brag about, but I am healthy. I run, I lift weights, I stretch and the pain is ever-present.

I've gone to the chiropractor for 14 years and my "problem areas" are consistently the same year after year.

I know that they have recently made some changes to bra sizing, probably to make smaller breasted women feel better. In fact, I have a friend I've known since high school who has always been a solid B. She has not changed in appearance, weight or anything else, but now she buys a D cup. I have always fit into the DD - F range and now my bras are GG cup. I still have some older bras DDD that fit just fine, but even the "expert" who did my sizing in March and my surgeon both confirmed that bra sizing has changed.

At any rate, they are big. And although I am a curvy girl and tall and I've always been told I am well-proportioned, I want smaller breasts. I have to wear two bras when I run because I can't find a reasonably priced specialty sports bra in my size. I have grooves in the shoulders and chronic back and neck pain. Because of these health related issues, my insurance has approved the surgery.

That being said, I'm very anxious. I've never had major surgery and the only time I've been under general anesthesia was when I had my wisdom teeth removed. I had my pre-op appointments and hospital registration this past Tuesday. They asked if I had a last will and testament or a power of attorney. They asked if I want to be resuscitated and what next of kin would be authorized to make decisions about my life, death or health in the event I am not able to do so. I know these are standard questions, but it just hit me how real and how serious this is. I'm a little scared.

I'm also nervous for more emotional reasons. I feel as if I'll be having an amputation. These girls have been part of me for so long and although they've been a burden, they are still part of me. I asked my boyfriend the other day if he thinks I'll be disproportionate and he said yes!!! I know he's just being honest, but it really concerned me that maybe he wont think I'm sexy or that maybe I'll look really funny. Currently I am an hourglass and I'm afraid I'm going to be a pear. My butt is another thing that doesn't change no matter how much I exercise. Baby got back! They don't do "butt reductions" and liposuction is not an option. I'm also worried that they'll heal funny or be uneven or that the headlights will point in opposite directions (which is better than pointing down, I suppose). I'm worried that they'll take too much and leave me completely flat or take too little and it wont make a difference in the pain and will have been a waste of time and money.

I know the anxiety is normal. I just keep reminding myself that everyone I know who has had this surgery over the past 20 years has said their only regret is that they didn't get it done sooner. These are women of all different height/weight/proportions and body types. One gal who had hers done about 12 years ago said they turned out mangled. The surgeon did a horrible job and she didn't heal right. Even she said she'd do it all over again! When I think rationally, I know I wont regret it. The downside is that the surgery is painful and recovery will be kind of hard. I'll have drainage tubes in for 4 or 5 days and wont be able to sleep on my side for 2+ weeks or my stomach for 6 weeks. I wont be able to do any exercise for 6 weeks. On the bright side, a breast lift is part of the procedure so my ever-increasingly saggy girls will be perky once again! I get two weeks off work and I'm not allowed to do so much as lift a gallon of milk. They said no cooking, house cleaning, driving (sad), work of ANY sort for two weeks. I'll be forced to relax. Finally.

I just have to keep my eyes on the goal and all the reasons I really want to have the surgery. Back and neck pain will decrease considerably. Exercising will be easier. My golf swing will improve. Men (and some women) will realize that I actually have eyes and a face when they are talking to me. No more black eyes from running or horseback riding. No more downward facing dog boobs. No more $80 bras. I'll be able to shop at Victoria's Secret. I'll be able to find sports bras at every day locations and prices. I'll be able to wear those camisoles with build in bras without feeling like my boobs are being cut in half or spilling out the top. I'll be able to wear button-up shirts. I wont look pregnant in sweatshirts or have to buy larger sizes to fit over the boobs. And did I mention that my back and neck pain will decrease considerably?

My girlfriends are ALL very supportive. My guy friends think it's like slapping God in the face. Ken has known from day one that I planned to get a reduction. He is supportive, but I can see his anxiety and concerns every time we talk about it. I let my ex-husband talk me out of getting the surgery when I was married and vowed to never do that again. The surgery is set for Thursday, November 11th at 7:30 am. I'll be under for approximately 4 hours. So - wish me luck and pray for me, if you will.

Happily Ever After?

I don't believe in happily ever after, but I sure would love to be proven wrong.

Pride in Accomplishments

I woke up this morning with a question on my mind. That is unusual for me. The past week or two I've had a song stuck in my head when I first wake up, but normally by first thoughts in the morning are remnants of dreams or thoughts of the coming day. As soon as I woke up this morning though, I heard, "What is the accomplishment you are most proud of?"

I was slightly annoyed at not being able to immediately answer the question and put it out of my mind. During my shower and get-ready ritual, that annoyance escalated to frustration. I posed the question on Facebook and immediately got a number of responses from mothers listing their children or motherhood as the accomplishment they are most proud of. While motherhood is an amazing thing, it is not what I was looking for. Almost anyone can become a parent. Much fewer should be allowed to raise children, but those who do it well and lovingly are certainly to be commended. Other answers included surviving cancer, buying a home, getting and keeping a good job which allowed them to provide good lives for their children, finishing school, passing exams, following Christ, etc. All accomplishments to be proud of indeed! A few of them turned the question back to me. I finally settled on the most obvious answer for the time. I chose the 50-state trip that I took right after my divorce, stating that I gained courage, confidence and faith and completely transformed myself during that journey of healing. I am a very different person because of that experience. I further responded that I'm not happy with that answer and am still pondering the question.

Later that morning, my boyfriend sent me an email in response to that facebook post. He brought up a couple of good points. He indicated that he felt I should be proud of the 50-state trip and I am. It did take dedication and perseverance. Many days I doubted the wisdom of the trip and I often felt like giving up, but my desire to achieve my goal kept me going even though it wasn't the wisest choice I've made from a financial or career standpoint. I'm glad I did it. The other point he made was the influence we have on others or the input we've had on their lives. He said, "Maybe our greatest accomplishments are not ones we are even aware of."

We all come into contact with many people on a daily basis. Some of those people are impacted by our words, our actions and even our non-verbal communications (body language, facial expressions, etc.). It doesn't matter if you are a politician, a pastor, a teacher, a supervisor, a parent, a doctor, a mechanic or a transient. YOU have an impact on someone else. Is that impact something to be proud of?

While, he is right, I'm still feeling unsettled about the question and my inability to feel comfortable with an answer...

Love Languages

Sometimes I just need to remember that we speak different love languages and express our feelings in different ways. Just because he doesn't show it the same way I do, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. In fact, he may not even be aware that the reason I do certain things is to show my love for him. Maybe it's all lost in translation.

Judgment

I was talking to a couple of the center supervisors at work the other day. Both are lesbians (which I only mention because it explains her comment). One of them mentioned that a religious couple just bought the house next door to hers. Apparently their van had the name of a church or religious group and she was saying how much it's going to suck having that kind of people for neighbors. I really didn't think much of the statement at the time because I could see why she'd think that and then we quickly moved on to a work-related topic that took my complete focus.

Two or three days later, this same lady approached me and said she needed to apologize for something. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything she had to apologize for, but then she explained it was about what she said when we were talking the other day. Still, no clue. She smiled and said, "When I was talking about my new neighbors, I judged them before meeting them. I don't know anything about them except that they are religious and I had no place to pass judgment. They might be wonderful people."

I told her I hadn't given it a second thought but that I understood the spur of the moment judgments. We often make them because of experiences we've had with people with similar belief systems. I told her that I grew up in pentecostal and non-denominational churches and that I am a Christian and love God, but that I, too, have a hard time with other religious people because I automatically expect them to judge me and that I've even lost Christian "friends" because I enjoy wine. She then explained that she grew up Catholic and was very active in her church through high school and knows that just because someone is religious or believes in God, doesn't mean that they are intolerant, judgmental, holier-than-thou assholes. She genuinely felt bad for her knee-jerk reaction to the new neighbors.

This conversation got me thinking. First, I felt respect for this woman. I don't know many people who would have gone back and apologized for their unfounded judgments. Second, I felt ashamed of myself. How many times I have made similar discriminations? Countless!

We "Christians" are often the worst of the bunch when it comes to judging others. We are taught right and wrong, sin and righteousness, but there are certain sins or lifestyles that seem to be weighted differently than others. We are taught to love and pray for others, but we often lose sight of that and instead, we point fingers and look down our noses at people who struggle with certain sins. We publicly lash out at murderers, rapists, thieves. molestors, alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, homosexuals and democrats. But the church is full of gluttons, liars, cheaters, sloths, covetous people, porn addicts, idol worshipers, domestic abusers and republicans. God didn't list every sin with a rating telling us which is worse. A sin is a sin. Plain and simple. Sin separates us from God. Whether it's lying or murdering, cheating on a spouse or telling a "little white lie" in an interview. We love on those people who are struggling with their food addictions, but we lambaste those who do whatever necessary to feed their meth addiction. We cover up the sexual abuse and addictions in the church while we rebuke homosexuals for their "sexual perversion" when they aren't hurting anyone else with their lifestyle choice.

As much as I pride myself on not judging others, I do. I think it is human nature. We all make assumptions based on outward appearances. Fat. Skinny. Gay. Straight. Rich. Poor. Old. Young. Attractive. Ugly. Color. Ethnicity. Deformed. Disabled. Homeless. Religious. Pierced. Tattooed. Hair style. Facial expression. We form opinions about many people before they've opened their mouth to say a single word. I try to keep my thoughts in check. I pray that God would give me His eyes. I want to see people as He does. I strive to be compassionate and put myself in other people's place. I remind myself of times when I've been unfairly and incorrectly assessed, referenced in a negative light, or even simply misunderstood.

We are called first and foremost to LOVE!!!!! Love the Lord. Love our neighbors. Love ourselves. Love our families. Love our enemies. So why do we spend so much time and energy hating, condemning, criticizing and judging?

Love. Compassion. Charity. That's what it's all about people!

Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." We are instructed not to judge. By doing so, we are sinning and that makes us just as bad as the people we are condemning.