Those of you who have been around me a while, have probably read this many times because I post it every now and again just as a reminder. Every single one of my friends know that I call myself a Christian. They also know that I am human and that I don't always live up to the expectations that people have set for Christ followers and that I don't even always agree with fellow believers.

One of my favorite quotes is: "I do not live for what the world thinks of me, but for what I think of myself." ~Jack London. Like I told a woman today who ultimately decided to "unfriend" me on facebook, if you are offended by me, my entries or the way I live my life in general, feel free to "unfriend" me. It wont hurt my feelings one bit. I need people in my corner who encourage me without judging me, who stand by me through all the ugliness that comes along with being human and who LOVE me in spite of my imperfections. If you are not capable of this type of friendship, I understand and I wish you the best.

Here is my all-time favorite poem. Enjoy.

When I say "I am a Christian"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt

When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught

When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it

When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name

When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved

~Carol Wimmer

Dear January 16th

Dear January 16th. I am taking you back!
I will no longer fear and dread your bad juju!
I will live you to the fullest and without regret!
I will choose to be happy and grateful for what I have today,
Instead of mourning what you have taken from me.
I will control this day and my destiny!
You have no power over me anymore!
Carpe Diem!

Death of Common Sense

In light of my last post and for your reading pleasure:

The Death of Common Sense

Hooray for automatic car starters! I absolutely LOVE mine! I think this is one of the best gifts I've ever received. I'm still a little embarassed that Ken spent SOOOO much money on me for Christmas though. I know it's not about money and he was genuinely happy to spoil me, but I still have a hard time with my lack of financial freedom to spoil him like I want to. In addition to the car starter, he also bought be a diamond nose ring. He knows I don't like a lot of expensive, flashy jewelry, but I do wear a nose ring so he bought a tiny little diamond and had them make me a nose ring using white gold. I thought that was very creative and thoughtful.

I'm in Moses Lake for the weekend. I'll likely be spending most weekends here. I'm drinking a cup of coffee and writing and it feels good to just relax for a bit. I'm meeting Ken for lunch at Firefly around noon and I brought some work with me that I really should be working on. I have to write a telephone etiquette policy for my office. One would think that 50 and 60 somethings would have enough common sense to know how to answer the phone, transfer a call and take a message. Especially 50/60 somethings who have spent most of their adult life working in professional offices. One would think that common sense would stop someone from transferring a solicitor/telemarketer into the 911 Emergency call center supervisor. Did she really think that the supervisor had nothing better to do? Or transferring a call to someone's voice mail when they are sitting there in the office waiting for that particular call, instead of announcing the call and giving the director the option to take the call or tranfer to voice mail. Ugh!

While I'm at it, maybe I should also write up a Common Sense Training, a Respecting Personal Space Policy and a How Obtuse Can You Be quiz. And maybe even a tip sheet on What Not To Do When the Supervisor is Around (Or EVER), which would include falling asleep at your desk, facebooking or shopping online, bad-mouthing coworkers and superiors, etc.

I truly wish common sense was something that could be taught.

On a different note, THANK GOD FOR TYLENOL PM!!!

QOTD

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." ~Christopher Robin to Pooh

Christmas

For the last several years, Christmas has been one of my least favorite days of the year. I chose to spend it alone most of those years because it was less disappointing that way. No, I'm not talking about the gift giving tradition. My last Christmas married, I had what I thought was one of the best days of my life. I let myself believe him again... I let myself hope that everything was going to be alright and that we'd make it after all. It was a day of love-making, cuddling, deep conversations. A day of visiting with family and friends with absolutely no negativity on his part... and yes, even some really great gifts including a ring I'd had my eye on. It truly was a perfect day. The next day, however, I stopped by his place of work to surprise him with some lunch and he was not happy to see me. He rushed me out the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He told me he just didn't want to ruin my Christmas so he put off telling me until the next day. Basically, everything I thought to be perfect and full of love was a lie.

Since then, I've not looked forward to Christmas and I've never been in a relationship during the holidays. Most years, I chose to spend the day alone except for a couple of family visits, and even then, I made myself scarce. It was easier that way. Even last Christmas, Ken and I were so new that even though there were no expectations and we hung out with his family... and it wasn't a great day. It's amazing how long we fight our demons...

This year was different. I found it difficult at times to really let go and allow myself to let my guard down a little bit. I'd find myself really enjoying the day and then those horrible thoughts and fears that it was too good to be true would creep in. I decided (again, it seems to be a daily choice) that I wasn't going to let fear of tomorrow ruin today. And I did have an amazing day! Ken was so good to me. We did non-stockings this year since neither of us have a stocking. I think it will be our tradition. Then we cooked a light breakfast together and opened gifts. One of the things he asked for was a picture of me that he could frame. I wrapped two with a CD of a whole photo shoot a friend did for me and told him he could pick whichever picture(s) he preferred. His eyes welled up with tears and he told me he thinks I am so beautiful and he feel so lucky to have me. Go figure, the gift that cost me the least was his favorite!

We cooked an amazing Christmas dinner and ate by candlelight. After that, the emotion of the day caught up to me. I couldn't contain my tears. But it was a good thing. He held me and listened as I told him that my last happy Christmas turned out to be a lie and how hard it was to just enjoy the day and push back my fears... and I told him how thankful I was that he was in my life. That even though life hasn't turned out for either of us like we had hoped and planned, our roads have led us to each other. And though I can't see the future or the place where those roads part, I love him and am so grateful for all he has been and all he IS to me.

It was a good day... and I hope yours was full of love and laughter as well.

Tears

A life without love is a life without tears. You only cry when you care.