I know I've said this before, but sometimes I feel like such a fraud.
Case in Point #1: A few weeks ago, Ken and I were hanging out with a long-time friend of his. She told me that the thing she likes about me is that I am fun and adventurous and she loves that influence on Ken. I don't remember her exact words, but that's the gist of what I got from it.
Case in Point #2: A few days ago, I got a facebook message from a friend of mine who moved away a year or so ago. She commented that it looks like I am enjoying life and making the world a better place. She said she admires my passion and "joie de vivre."
The thing is, I don't feel like I'm fun or adventurous. And I KNOW I'm not currently making the world a better/happier place. I'm not enjoying life and have completely lost all passion and joy. I'm irritable and distracted all the time. Things that used to come naturally, I now have to fake. I used to be very spontaneous, passionate, adventurous and fun. I used to be compassionate. People used to frequently comment about the "light" in my eyes, but all that seems a lifetime ago. This not-okay-ness is affecting every aspect of my life - my friendships, my job and my relationship with my boyfriend. It has zapped my energy, motivation, compassion, peace, joy and patience. I'm going through the motions, doing what I do. I'm not LIVING; I'm simply existing.
I hate this feeling and this phase, but I don't know how to snap out of it. I need a break - an escape from all the pressures and demands on my time and emotions. I KNOW that I have so much to be thankful for and I try to focus on those things daily, but it just doesn't seem to be enough to help me climb out of this dark hole. I need some time - away from here - to be alone, get my head screwed on straight and examine my heart, to draw out whatever it is that is making me so miserable and deal with it.
I'd ask for suggestions, but I'm tired of getting "Dr. Phil'd" & preached at and the "fake it 'til you make it" strategy clearly isn't working. I just want to rent a cabin or cottage or something cheap and just go clear my head - I want to run away...
...but it'll have to wait because I'm currently broke.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Family Update
The court awarded custody of the kids to mom and Saul again. They’ve had them on a trial basis for about three months and now they have permanent custody. There was only one condition – that they get one of my brothers tested for learning disabilities. They agreed to do so, but mom made it clear she’d be home schooling the children this year. Either she doesn’t truly care about their educational success or she is still in denial that there are problems. Regardless of her reasons, she is going to allow her pride to hinder the kids’ education and thus, their future. I feel so bad for them.
At the end of the day, they ARE her children and she IS their mother and it is her right to raise them as she sees fit. No one else has to agree or like it. I pray that her eyes are opened so that she can clearly see the damage that her pride and her actions (and inaction) has caused them. My first concern is their physical safety, but I’m not even convinced they are safe. I have a feeling that as soon as Saul is off probation, they’ll leave the country and not come back until the next time he beats the living daylights out of mom. Hoping I’m wrong, but… (Say it with me)
“WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!”
At the end of the day, they ARE her children and she IS their mother and it is her right to raise them as she sees fit. No one else has to agree or like it. I pray that her eyes are opened so that she can clearly see the damage that her pride and her actions (and inaction) has caused them. My first concern is their physical safety, but I’m not even convinced they are safe. I have a feeling that as soon as Saul is off probation, they’ll leave the country and not come back until the next time he beats the living daylights out of mom. Hoping I’m wrong, but… (Say it with me)
“WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!”
Monday, July 4, 2011
Book Review (spoilers included)
I just finished reading "The Girl's Guide to Homelessness" by Brianna Karp. It was my 24th book this year. I've now read 25 so I am one book behind in my one-book-a-week goal.
What a book. I was hooked by the first sentence in Chapter 1 and by the end of the first page, I knew it was going to be my kind of book.
It's a story about a woman who faced adversity in some form all of her life. She was raised in what she calls a cult, force-fed a very hypocritical religion her whole child-hood. She was molested and abused as a child/teen, raped and cheated on as a young adult. She started working at nine years of age to help support her family and she finally found her dream job and worked hard to finally have a place of her own. And then the recession hit. She was laid off from her job and six months later, lost her home. She moved back in with her mom, only to suffer even further abuse and false accusations. She inherited a travel trailer from her estranged father who had committed suicide and lived in it in a Walmart store parking lot until it was towed (even after she had the permission of the store manager) and she didn't have the money to get it back. This woman was no slouch. She applied to hundreds upon hundreds of jobs and worked for a couple more companies that laid her off after promising full time work simply because it was cheaper to bring on a full time employee and lay them off than it was to contract through a temp agency. She lost everything, but she found love. And then just when you think things will work out okay, she lost that too (and a baby). But this isn't just another sad story. She not only survived all of what she went through, she conquers her destiny. She found success, not in spite of adversity, but because of it.
In this memoir, Brianna Karp makes you question your beliefs, assumptions, prejudices and opinions. As much as I am an advocate of the homeless and less fortunate and although I work with a couple different homeless ministries in my community and do what I can to show love and respect to all people, regardless of social status, I found myself feeling some pretty strong conviction for judgments and assumptions that I didn't even realize I had. This book humbled me. I identified with several of her experiences and couldn't help but thinking several times throughout the book "this could have been me.... if not for the grace of God."
I know I put a spoiler or two in there, but this book is absolutely worth the read. It is not for the faint of heart though. It is laced with f-bombs and other profanity, but it is REALITY for so many people out there.
What a book. I was hooked by the first sentence in Chapter 1 and by the end of the first page, I knew it was going to be my kind of book.
It's a story about a woman who faced adversity in some form all of her life. She was raised in what she calls a cult, force-fed a very hypocritical religion her whole child-hood. She was molested and abused as a child/teen, raped and cheated on as a young adult. She started working at nine years of age to help support her family and she finally found her dream job and worked hard to finally have a place of her own. And then the recession hit. She was laid off from her job and six months later, lost her home. She moved back in with her mom, only to suffer even further abuse and false accusations. She inherited a travel trailer from her estranged father who had committed suicide and lived in it in a Walmart store parking lot until it was towed (even after she had the permission of the store manager) and she didn't have the money to get it back. This woman was no slouch. She applied to hundreds upon hundreds of jobs and worked for a couple more companies that laid her off after promising full time work simply because it was cheaper to bring on a full time employee and lay them off than it was to contract through a temp agency. She lost everything, but she found love. And then just when you think things will work out okay, she lost that too (and a baby). But this isn't just another sad story. She not only survived all of what she went through, she conquers her destiny. She found success, not in spite of adversity, but because of it.
In this memoir, Brianna Karp makes you question your beliefs, assumptions, prejudices and opinions. As much as I am an advocate of the homeless and less fortunate and although I work with a couple different homeless ministries in my community and do what I can to show love and respect to all people, regardless of social status, I found myself feeling some pretty strong conviction for judgments and assumptions that I didn't even realize I had. This book humbled me. I identified with several of her experiences and couldn't help but thinking several times throughout the book "this could have been me.... if not for the grace of God."
I know I put a spoiler or two in there, but this book is absolutely worth the read. It is not for the faint of heart though. It is laced with f-bombs and other profanity, but it is REALITY for so many people out there.
Winds of Change...
So much has been going on the last month or so.
May: Trip to Arizona. It was Ken's first trip and I spent about half of my childhood there so we had to balance visiting old friends (for me) and seeing new things (for him). My friends seemed to really like Ken so that's always a good thing. And Ken seemed to love one of my favorite places in the country. He even said on several occasions that he could see himself living there. The weather was perfect - mid-90's most of the week. We hiked at Picacho Peak, saw Montezuma's Castle, drove through Sedona and visited the Grand Canyon and even got in a game of golf and a trip to a water park. After the horrible spring we've had in Spokane (it snowed two days before our trip), it was just so relaxing to be out in the dry heat, soaking up the sunshine. We found cheap airline tickets, a cheap condo and a great deal on a rental car. The cost of the trip, not including food and gas, was just under $1000! Ken happened to win $1,000 playing Black Jack the week before we left so the casino paid for the trip. Can't beat that!
I also cut my hair and donated 11 inches to Locks of Love. I'm digging my new 'do. Perfect for summer!
And then of course, my birthday was the 21st. It was pretty low key, but I definitely felt the love! Hard to believe I'm 33!
June: I applied for a job at Spokane Transit Authority. I rocked my first interview, but found it a little odd that when I asked my questions toward the end of the interview, I found that they really were hoping to find someone with experience in insurance and accounting. This desired qualification was not listed in the recruitment bulletin or anywhere in the job description. Still, they passed me on to the testing round. That was a THREE-HOUR written test that they sent off to a psychologist in Connecticut for evaluation. The scheduled a second interview with me and again, I really felt like I did a great job, but this time they actually asked some specific questions about my insurance and accounting experience, even though I already explained in the first interview that I had absolutely ZERO insurance experience and my accounting experience is limited (I supervise accounting personnel and certify their work, but I've never been an accountant). They told me only five out of 50 made it to the second interview and I found out later that one of them was out of the running almost immediately. The CEO told me that my test results were some of the strongest she's ever seen and that she was very impressed with the way I interviewed. Still, I did not get the job. They said the only reason was because the lady they hired had the specific insurance and accounting experience they were looking for.
This is the first time in my life that I have not been offered a job I applied for. It was humbling and disappointing, but at the same time, I felt really relieved. See, the district manager approached Ken while I was in the interview phases and offered him the opportunity to get out of Moses Lake. Apparently, the Home Depot store in Walla Walla has some issues and he wanted to know if Ken could turn that store around the same way he turned the Moses Lake store around. He told Ken to go check out the store and the town and let him know. That weekend, we had a wedding (which was awesome, by the way) in Corvallis, Oregon to attend so Walla Walla had to wait.
Finally, last Thursday, I took the day off work and drove down to Walla Walla with Ken. It is a one and a half hour drive between Spokane and Moses Lake, but a three hour drive between Spokane and WW (I love saying Walla Walla, but it feels too redundant to keep typing it). If Ken moves there, that will double our commute to see each other. We both really loved the town. It's in wine country so it is very lush and green. There are over 140 wineries in the area! The downtown area is beautiful, with several restaurants and cafes with patios and a ton of wine tasting rooms. Housing seems to be about the same as it is in Spokane. I could very much see myself living there. However, Ken met with the store manager and didn't have a great overall feeling. It seems the district manager isn't being very forthcoming. He told Ken that he needed someone who could "fix" the WW store, but he told the store manager that Ken just wanted to move and was interested in WW. Also, the store manager there is a self-proclaimed micro-manager and that is one of the things Ken hates about his current boss. At the end of the day, he felt really torn. He plans to meet with his old store manager here in Spokane next week because he trusts him to be honest and blunt about the WW store manager and his opinion on the risk he'd be taking to move there. Then, early next week, he has to have a decision made...
So much to think about - if he doesn't take it, I've applied for another job that I'm not really sure I want, but had to get in an application before the deadline with absolutely no time to really think about it. The good thing is, Ken has to have his decision made before the first round of tests so I can always withdraw interest if I need to. If he does take it, I think I may just look for work in Walla Walla. That brings up a whole other list of issues and fears for me, but I'll save it for another blog...
May: Trip to Arizona. It was Ken's first trip and I spent about half of my childhood there so we had to balance visiting old friends (for me) and seeing new things (for him). My friends seemed to really like Ken so that's always a good thing. And Ken seemed to love one of my favorite places in the country. He even said on several occasions that he could see himself living there. The weather was perfect - mid-90's most of the week. We hiked at Picacho Peak, saw Montezuma's Castle, drove through Sedona and visited the Grand Canyon and even got in a game of golf and a trip to a water park. After the horrible spring we've had in Spokane (it snowed two days before our trip), it was just so relaxing to be out in the dry heat, soaking up the sunshine. We found cheap airline tickets, a cheap condo and a great deal on a rental car. The cost of the trip, not including food and gas, was just under $1000! Ken happened to win $1,000 playing Black Jack the week before we left so the casino paid for the trip. Can't beat that!
I also cut my hair and donated 11 inches to Locks of Love. I'm digging my new 'do. Perfect for summer!
And then of course, my birthday was the 21st. It was pretty low key, but I definitely felt the love! Hard to believe I'm 33!
June: I applied for a job at Spokane Transit Authority. I rocked my first interview, but found it a little odd that when I asked my questions toward the end of the interview, I found that they really were hoping to find someone with experience in insurance and accounting. This desired qualification was not listed in the recruitment bulletin or anywhere in the job description. Still, they passed me on to the testing round. That was a THREE-HOUR written test that they sent off to a psychologist in Connecticut for evaluation. The scheduled a second interview with me and again, I really felt like I did a great job, but this time they actually asked some specific questions about my insurance and accounting experience, even though I already explained in the first interview that I had absolutely ZERO insurance experience and my accounting experience is limited (I supervise accounting personnel and certify their work, but I've never been an accountant). They told me only five out of 50 made it to the second interview and I found out later that one of them was out of the running almost immediately. The CEO told me that my test results were some of the strongest she's ever seen and that she was very impressed with the way I interviewed. Still, I did not get the job. They said the only reason was because the lady they hired had the specific insurance and accounting experience they were looking for.
This is the first time in my life that I have not been offered a job I applied for. It was humbling and disappointing, but at the same time, I felt really relieved. See, the district manager approached Ken while I was in the interview phases and offered him the opportunity to get out of Moses Lake. Apparently, the Home Depot store in Walla Walla has some issues and he wanted to know if Ken could turn that store around the same way he turned the Moses Lake store around. He told Ken to go check out the store and the town and let him know. That weekend, we had a wedding (which was awesome, by the way) in Corvallis, Oregon to attend so Walla Walla had to wait.
Finally, last Thursday, I took the day off work and drove down to Walla Walla with Ken. It is a one and a half hour drive between Spokane and Moses Lake, but a three hour drive between Spokane and WW (I love saying Walla Walla, but it feels too redundant to keep typing it). If Ken moves there, that will double our commute to see each other. We both really loved the town. It's in wine country so it is very lush and green. There are over 140 wineries in the area! The downtown area is beautiful, with several restaurants and cafes with patios and a ton of wine tasting rooms. Housing seems to be about the same as it is in Spokane. I could very much see myself living there. However, Ken met with the store manager and didn't have a great overall feeling. It seems the district manager isn't being very forthcoming. He told Ken that he needed someone who could "fix" the WW store, but he told the store manager that Ken just wanted to move and was interested in WW. Also, the store manager there is a self-proclaimed micro-manager and that is one of the things Ken hates about his current boss. At the end of the day, he felt really torn. He plans to meet with his old store manager here in Spokane next week because he trusts him to be honest and blunt about the WW store manager and his opinion on the risk he'd be taking to move there. Then, early next week, he has to have a decision made...
So much to think about - if he doesn't take it, I've applied for another job that I'm not really sure I want, but had to get in an application before the deadline with absolutely no time to really think about it. The good thing is, Ken has to have his decision made before the first round of tests so I can always withdraw interest if I need to. If he does take it, I think I may just look for work in Walla Walla. That brings up a whole other list of issues and fears for me, but I'll save it for another blog...
Friday, June 10, 2011
Wanted: Muse
I need a muse. I love writing, but it seems lately I have nothing to say. I used to be able to write something about that too. It's more than just a case of writer's block - I'm seriously lacking inspiration.
"You should write a book!" I hear that statement on a weekly basis. However, I don't know where to start and I have a hard time believing anyone would really want to read it. Not to mention the fact that people don't seem to remember things the same way I do...
"You should write a book!" I hear that statement on a weekly basis. However, I don't know where to start and I have a hard time believing anyone would really want to read it. Not to mention the fact that people don't seem to remember things the same way I do...
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be
CHORUS
...It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
Judgment
Ken and I are going to Arizona the first week in May. He has a "use it or lose it" leave policy at work so he had a week to use by the middle of May. Anyway, since I am originally from Arizona and still have a lot of family friends there, I sent out an email to everyone letting them know when we'd be there in case anyone had time to get together. In the past when I've done this, I've received several invitations to stay with friends and have never had to pay for a hotel.
The first surprise is that not a single family friend has offered us a place to stay. The two that I've stayed with on my most recent visits had valid excuses. One couple has been hit pretty hard financially and recently moved in with their daughter and son-in-law. The other has friends living with them right now because of financial issues so they don't have the room. Still, it surprised and disappointed me that of all of the people that I've known my whole life, who I consider FAMILY, not a single person offered us a place to stay. These are the same people who are always after me to come visit and bring my boyfriend so they can all meet him... We did get an offer for a place to stay a couple hours out of Phoenix (from a former pastor and his wife from Spokane). Oh well. Fortunately, we were able to find a very inexpensive vacation rental - cheaper than a hotel room)
The second surprise was an email from a long time family friend. She and my mother used to be very close and her oldest daughter was my best friend throughout elementary school. We even lived with them for a while after my parents divorced. She asked me how I am able to retain my "sexual purity" while traveling with my sweetheart. She told me that she just loves me and would ask her daughters the same question and that as Christians, we are called to encourage each other into doing what is right and good.
I have mixed feelings about this inquiry. First of all, I know she loves me, but I am not her daughter. She has been influential in my family and has been faithful in praying for my family in past situations as well as in the current drama. However, I feel very strongly that my actions and choices are not the business of anyone else. They are between me, God and whoever else is directly affected. I refuse to even talk to my own mother about my sex life. I responded that I remain strong in my faith and my relationship with God and thanked her for her love and concern. I know that didn't answer her question outright and I know she will come to her own conclusions because of that. I'm bummed to think that she may be disappointed in me, but at the end of the day, I will answer to God (and ONLY God) for my actions.
That email got me thinking about how all my life, I've been taught that sex before marriage is a sin. Even before I was married to my ex-husband, everyone thought it was their right to ask if I was having sex or if I was "staying pure" and resisting temptation. They treat premarital sex as a one-way street to hell. Of course, when someone did have a child out of wedlock, they huddled around that person and poured out love and help, and then patted themselves on the back for being such a good, loving Christian. I believe that a sin is a sin is a sin. I believe that we will all be judged for our sins, but that in God's eyes, they are all equal. This is why it drives me crazy that Christians harp on sex before marriage, but choose to ignore abuse, adultery, molestation and theft (especially within the church) and actively participate in gluttony, gossip, slander, judgment, covetousness, lies, idolatry and dishonor/disrespect (of their parents and others). They focus all their energy on certain sins without even realizing that they sin every day - sometimes by doing wrong and sometimes by simply NOT doing what is right.
Know what Jesus did when he met a woman who was living with her boyfriend and who had been married and divorced several times? He loved her. Know what Jesus did when he came upon a woman who was being charged with prostitution? He stood up for her and challenged her accusers, saying "he who is without sin, cast the first stone." One by one, they turned and left and Jesus picked her up, loved her and forgave her. He didn't judge her or tell her she was going to hell. He met her where she was and loved her in spite of her sins.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to condone promiscuity, but ultimately, the promiscuous person only hurts him/herself. Promiscuity and monogamous sex with the one you love are very different though. Why do we judge someone for how they choose to express their love and devotion in a healthy, respectful, loving and committed relationship and then when we find out that a man in the church has been beating up his wife and children or sleeping with his secretary, we put blinders on?
It is impossible to live a blameless life. It is impossible to NOT sin. We ALL fall short. We all have different struggles, challenges and vices. But when are we, as Christians, going to learn to stop pointing fingers and standing in judgment? When are we going to learn to LOVE as Christ loves? Only love will change a heart. Only the promise of forgiveness and grace gives us reason to get back up again when we fall.
The first surprise is that not a single family friend has offered us a place to stay. The two that I've stayed with on my most recent visits had valid excuses. One couple has been hit pretty hard financially and recently moved in with their daughter and son-in-law. The other has friends living with them right now because of financial issues so they don't have the room. Still, it surprised and disappointed me that of all of the people that I've known my whole life, who I consider FAMILY, not a single person offered us a place to stay. These are the same people who are always after me to come visit and bring my boyfriend so they can all meet him... We did get an offer for a place to stay a couple hours out of Phoenix (from a former pastor and his wife from Spokane). Oh well. Fortunately, we were able to find a very inexpensive vacation rental - cheaper than a hotel room)
The second surprise was an email from a long time family friend. She and my mother used to be very close and her oldest daughter was my best friend throughout elementary school. We even lived with them for a while after my parents divorced. She asked me how I am able to retain my "sexual purity" while traveling with my sweetheart. She told me that she just loves me and would ask her daughters the same question and that as Christians, we are called to encourage each other into doing what is right and good.
I have mixed feelings about this inquiry. First of all, I know she loves me, but I am not her daughter. She has been influential in my family and has been faithful in praying for my family in past situations as well as in the current drama. However, I feel very strongly that my actions and choices are not the business of anyone else. They are between me, God and whoever else is directly affected. I refuse to even talk to my own mother about my sex life. I responded that I remain strong in my faith and my relationship with God and thanked her for her love and concern. I know that didn't answer her question outright and I know she will come to her own conclusions because of that. I'm bummed to think that she may be disappointed in me, but at the end of the day, I will answer to God (and ONLY God) for my actions.
That email got me thinking about how all my life, I've been taught that sex before marriage is a sin. Even before I was married to my ex-husband, everyone thought it was their right to ask if I was having sex or if I was "staying pure" and resisting temptation. They treat premarital sex as a one-way street to hell. Of course, when someone did have a child out of wedlock, they huddled around that person and poured out love and help, and then patted themselves on the back for being such a good, loving Christian. I believe that a sin is a sin is a sin. I believe that we will all be judged for our sins, but that in God's eyes, they are all equal. This is why it drives me crazy that Christians harp on sex before marriage, but choose to ignore abuse, adultery, molestation and theft (especially within the church) and actively participate in gluttony, gossip, slander, judgment, covetousness, lies, idolatry and dishonor/disrespect (of their parents and others). They focus all their energy on certain sins without even realizing that they sin every day - sometimes by doing wrong and sometimes by simply NOT doing what is right.
Know what Jesus did when he met a woman who was living with her boyfriend and who had been married and divorced several times? He loved her. Know what Jesus did when he came upon a woman who was being charged with prostitution? He stood up for her and challenged her accusers, saying "he who is without sin, cast the first stone." One by one, they turned and left and Jesus picked her up, loved her and forgave her. He didn't judge her or tell her she was going to hell. He met her where she was and loved her in spite of her sins.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to condone promiscuity, but ultimately, the promiscuous person only hurts him/herself. Promiscuity and monogamous sex with the one you love are very different though. Why do we judge someone for how they choose to express their love and devotion in a healthy, respectful, loving and committed relationship and then when we find out that a man in the church has been beating up his wife and children or sleeping with his secretary, we put blinders on?
It is impossible to live a blameless life. It is impossible to NOT sin. We ALL fall short. We all have different struggles, challenges and vices. But when are we, as Christians, going to learn to stop pointing fingers and standing in judgment? When are we going to learn to LOVE as Christ loves? Only love will change a heart. Only the promise of forgiveness and grace gives us reason to get back up again when we fall.
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