Saturday, March 1, 2008

Am I really?

Incomplete: I was compared today to a circle that is only about a quarter drawn. I asked if that meant I was incomplete. The response, was not only that I was, but that it wasn't "barely or partially incomplete, but significantly incomplete."

Faithless: "Look at all this stuff on your walls, Sandra." I look and see a picture with a chinese symbol for Faith and on another wall, a scripture about trusting God, etc. He then tells me basically that I'm a hypocrite, that I claim to trust God and have faith, but my actions and self made defenses paint a different picture.

Transparent: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's true for me. My eyes betray me - they never lie. Three people yesterday asked me why I was sad - all three of them never saw anything on my face but a smile and never heard anything but laughter and cheer. Good, bad or indifferent, my eyes are always exposing the truth, shouting it from the rooftops for all to hear.

Approachable: A lot of people confide in me at work. They ask for advice on dealing with coworkers or supervisors or how to handle HR related issues. Some have me proof read emails that may be taken the wrong way or ask for suggestions on what to say or do in various situations. I was told recently it's because of my reputation of being approachable, confidential and compassionate, yet straight forward and honest.

Stunning: I think that is one of my favorite compliments on my physical appearance. Pretty, cute, even gorgeous and beautiful are great, but overused in general. I've only been called "stunning" a handful of times, but it gives me a boost that few other compliments can. Thursday was one of those times.

Fighting: Now this one is both good and bad. I'm in constant battle - against myself, against injustice, against God, against men who want to be let in, against my will, against the mold, against what is expected, against my convictions, against shades of gray... It's exhausting.

Contradictory: I'm a free spirit, yet trapped. I'm optimistic, cheerful, always laughing and the life of the party, yet there is a deep, unyielding sadness in my soul. I am an adventurer, fearless, striving to live life to the fullest, yet I am afraid. I'm a Christian, compassionate, loving, forgiving, a good person, yet I am evil, sinful, unfaithful. I am outgoing, yet shy. Confident, yet self-conscious. Strong, yet weak. Giving, yet selfish... The list goes on...

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