New Beginnings

It’s spring, but you wouldn’t know it with the recent snowfalls and chill in the air.

Today, I’m not feeling well. I’ve got a nasty cough with head and chest congestion. In addition to that, my back has been in so much pain, I’ve had to take vicodin and sleeping meds. Usually I have a pretty high pain threshold so if I’m taking any meds at all, trust me, it’s BAD. I wish my chiropractor was open on the weekends.

All that aside, I’m feeling very grateful today, yet very raw. Today is significant for me for two reasons. First, and most importantly, today is Easter Sunday. The day that Christians all over the world celebrate the resurrection of our Savior. A perfect man, the Son of God, who lived a blameless life, paid the price for every one of our sins. How many of us struggle with guilt every time we fall? I know I do. How many of us try to pay penance or make up for our short comings by doing a good deed or two? It’s pointless. We can’t undo what we’ve done. No amount of guilt or good deeds will get us into Heaven. We are saved, not by our works, but simply by the grace of God. In His amazing love, He sacrificed his life to pay a debt He did not owe, because we owed a debt we could never pay. Accept it. Simple as that.

On a far lesser scale of importance, today I have been divorced for 4 years. That’s almost as long as I was married. I remember the day being much like today. It could have been sunny and warm, but for all I remember, it was dreary, gray - a fog. I remember sitting in the courthouse next to the love of my life, pleading with him to walk out of there with me and just start over. I remember the judge’s cold harsh tone as he announced our divorce final effective immediately. I remember walking out into the lobby trying to muster up every ounce of strength still hiding somewhere inside me as my "ex-husband" embraced me and cried. All he could do was say, "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Are you going to be alright?" He begged my forgiveness, but was not interested in coming back to me. I remember walking back to my office trying to focus on the meeting I was required to attend. I remember going home that night and locking myself in my room with a bottle of wine - sobbing uncontrollably. I felt that my life was over.

Not long later, I decided to view it as a fresh start, a clean slate. I took 9 months off work and traveled the country alone. I made friends, had great experiences and saw so many things in a new light. I agreed with the old adage that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In fact, I’ve even loved and lost again. I have claimed to have put that whole chapter behind me, moved on and celebrated my freedom. However, in the last 4 years, I’ve allowed my emotional baggage to drag me down as I’ve constructed walls around my heart to protect me from ever feeling that strongly again. I’ve dated here and there and have met some pretty amazing men, but almost always cut ties with them before I would allow myself to feel. They have paid for hurts they did not cause and I have missed out on so much love. I guess it wasn’t really a clean slate after all.

It’s spring... It’s Easter... It’s been 4 years. Time to start trusting God, accepting the gifts that He so generously pours out on me... Easier said than done, but I’m trying. Just the simple fact that I didn’t run away this weekend shows signs of new growth.

So here’s to growth... fresh starts... a new chapter... Cheers.