Claustrophobic

I've been house-sitting since Thanksgiving. This will be the first night I've spent at home since. It's very difficult to go from a huge, 3-level home with big screen TVs, a laundry room, cozy sitting rooms, a fire place, a big back yard and a dog to my little shoebox apartment. I am feeling rather claustrophobic.

Or maybe it has less to do with the switch back to the shoebox and more to do with the state of my emotions.

Ken (the crush) and I have been hanging out a lot over the last month and have pretty much made things official this past week. Daily I swing from being incredibly happy and amazed by this incredibly funny, sweet, thoughtful man to being so restless and antsy I can hardly sit still. One minute I am on cloud 9 and can't wait until I get to see him again and the next, I want to turn off my phone, take some time off work and go on a long trip alone. When I'm with him, there is no place I'd rather be, but then after coming home, I fight the urge to call him and tell him I just can't do this... I adore him, yet I am terrified of him. Wow! I have issues.

Something my shrink said last week (have I mentioned I started seeing a shrink??) has been replaying in my head. She said that I'm a contradiction, but that it's because I desire connection, but that I also desire safety and that in my mind, those two do NOT go hand in hand. They are not related. The moment I start feeling a connection with someone, I feel very unsafe, vulnerable - and I run. Bingo!

Ken is amazing though. He says the sweetest things. He tells me daily that I'm amazing. I sent him a text the other day while driving home telling him the sunset was beautiful and by the time I got home, there was a picture in my inbox of the sunset "because I liked it so much." He asked why I was so guarded one day last week and I told him I was just feeling vulnerable and when I feel like that, I have to fight the urge to run. He responded, "silly goose, don't you know I can run faster than you. I'll catch you." He sent me a text checking up on me after my first shrink visit a couple weeks ago - just to see how it went. He remembers everything I say... he actually listens. John (the guy I was seeing late spring/early summer) showed up to poker one night and Ken sent me a text asking if I was going to be okay with John there. Then he says "not to worry, I'll get him out of the game soon." He asks if he can carry heavy items for me and when I say no, he smiles and says "you don't always have to be so tough" but he lets me carry it and doesn't argue. He tells me in quiet moments that I'm safe. When I told him I'm not a big cuddler/snuggler, he called bullshit, wrapped me up and pulled me close to him and I loved every moment in his embrace. He makes me feel so sexy, so feminine. He takes me on dates and is just the right amount of affectionate. He is consistent. I don't remember the last man in my life that was consistent. He is a giver. He is honest. He is vulnerable with me. He trusts me and says he feels safe and at ease around me. Some days I want to tell him that isn't wise. I want to warn him not to let his heart get involved because I will likely hurt him... But the moment I see him sign on the computer, or see that I have a text from him or see him in person, most of the fear melts away and I can't stop smiling and I just want to wrap my arms around him and melt into him.

Enough for now... I'm just confusing myself even more. Time to put away clean laundry and make my bed and try to stay put in spite of the restlessness I am feeling. Okay... let's be honest - I wont stay put. I'll probably ignore all that needs to be done and watch a movie or leave the apartment to go get food and maybe play the late poker game. I just need to get out of my head for a bit.