Okay - so I was talking to a friend tonight about God's grace and I told him I'd post this here. I have posted it a couple times on another blog I have and some of you may have seen it on Steph's blog as well...
I posted this a while back, but I was reminded of it again so I figured I'd re-post. I get a lot of undeserved praise for the life that I live, but what everyone fails to realize is that they only see what I want them to see. They don't see my faults, my failures, my sins. They don't see me when I fall. I don't advertise my shortcomings, I just try to pick myself up again, dust off, bandage the wounds and keep walking, hoping no one was around to witness the fall. So many times, I stray from the straight and narrow path and get lost in the darkness and find that I'm living more for myself than for the God that I love. For those who do see some of my failures, I apologize for not being a better example and a stronger person. Forgive me for the times I have caused you to stumble or fall. And thank you for loving me in spite of my inadequacies.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost, now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.
When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need HIS strength to carry on.
When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches so I call upon His name.
When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow.
~Maya Angelou~
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Friday, November 3, 2006
Just sit with me and be my friend
Why is it that people are so uncomfortable with emotion? Everyone hurts. Everyone cries. Everyone experiences sadness. But the moment someone else is on the verge of tears, people start getting uncomfortable.
You've got those who just ignore it and hope it'll go away. Then there are those who try to "Dr. Phil" you, give you advice on what is really wrong and how to fix it. There are people who just make light of things and think that if they can get you to laugh then they've somehow magically made it all better. There are so many different responses and I'm sure most people have good intentions - they don't want to see someone they care about hurting. But why can't people just recognize that sadness is a part of life and some wounds take a lot longer to heal than others. Offer support and love and time. If they take it, great, if not, let it be. Some emotions simply can not be articulated or explained.
So, don't make me try to explain. Don't psycho-analyze me. Don't give me advice, tell me to get over it or CHOOSE to be happy. I recognize that I have the power to choose happiness, but sometimes emotions need to be explored. I need to be allowed to feel what I feel. I promise I wont stay in this dark place, but while I'm here, just sit with me and be my friend.
May we all learn to put aside judgement, get over our own discomfort with emotion and recognize that some things can not be fixed except by time, prayer and love.
You've got those who just ignore it and hope it'll go away. Then there are those who try to "Dr. Phil" you, give you advice on what is really wrong and how to fix it. There are people who just make light of things and think that if they can get you to laugh then they've somehow magically made it all better. There are so many different responses and I'm sure most people have good intentions - they don't want to see someone they care about hurting. But why can't people just recognize that sadness is a part of life and some wounds take a lot longer to heal than others. Offer support and love and time. If they take it, great, if not, let it be. Some emotions simply can not be articulated or explained.
So, don't make me try to explain. Don't psycho-analyze me. Don't give me advice, tell me to get over it or CHOOSE to be happy. I recognize that I have the power to choose happiness, but sometimes emotions need to be explored. I need to be allowed to feel what I feel. I promise I wont stay in this dark place, but while I'm here, just sit with me and be my friend.
May we all learn to put aside judgement, get over our own discomfort with emotion and recognize that some things can not be fixed except by time, prayer and love.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Compassion
I wrote both parts of this entry at different times this morning... just now posting here.
Part 1:
Lessons
So the other day as I was walking out to my car to feed the meter, I noticed a man walking by on the sidewalk. It was apparent that he was homeless and looked as if he hadn't bathed in a month. His clothes were tattered and stained, his hair stringy and he walked slightly hunched over, head down. He glanced up when he saw me walking across the street and looked back down, then did a double take. He made eye contact, we both said "hi" and then he smiled. He told me I was beautiful, saw me smile and walked on. When he looked me in the eye, I noticed he was much younger than I originally thought - probably in his late twenties or early thirties. He had a tattoo down one side of his face, but he looked as if he probably used to be an attractive man. In his eyes - sadness.
This very brief encounter reminded me of something I recently read. A girl was ranting about some homeless man in her area who compliments/hits on her. She was disgusted that some toothless, smelly old man would even bother since she is clearly so far above him. Okay, so that's not exactly what she said, but it was certainly the tone of the blog. It grieved me. These men, homeless or not, are still human. They still recognize beauty when they see it. Why are some people actually offended to receive a compliment from someone on a "lower" level than them? A compliment is a compliment. A man is a man. I imagined this man as a young boy, playing with his classmates on the playground at recess. I imagined his mother holding him and wiping tears from his eyes. I imagined him playing little league baseball, being shy around his first crush, falling from a tree and scraping his knee, frolicking in the yard with his puppy. I imagined so many things that every young boy experiences. And then I wonder how he got to where he is today. Whatever the reason, be it an addiction or simply a string of poor choices, he is still a man, still human and still deserving of common human decency. He doesn't need to be judged (I'm sure he judges himself harshly enough), he doesn't need to be looked on with contempt or disgust, he doesn't need to be overlooked. What does it hurt us to actually meet their gaze, look them in the eye, smile at them and greet them with a "hello"?
I regret not doing more, talking to him longer or offering him something to eat, drink or just simply some of my time. I don't have much, but I am so blessed, so fortunate in my life and I could have passed just a little bit of that on to him. I certainly could have spared some time. Afterall, I was feeling very unattractive that day. I had spent the morning doing laundry, cleaning house. I hadn't showered yet or put on make-up. I was wearing grubby clothes and felt frumpy. I needed his compliment that day and I'm grateful that he wasn't too proud or too ashamed or too busy to tell me that he thought I was beautiful.
Part 2:
Confirmation
Interesting thing... Right after I wrote my entry this morning, I read something in the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff..." book I keep in the bathroom.
Develop Your Compassion
Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's predicament, and simultaneously, to feel love for that person. It's the recognition that other people's problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as our own - often far worse. In recognizing this fact and trying to offer some assistance, we open our own hearts and greatly enhance our sense of gratitude.
Compassion is something you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others; you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the "what you do about it." You might donate a little money or time (or both) on a regular basis to a cause near your heart. Or perhaps you'll offer a beautiful smile and genuine "hello" to the people you meet on the street. It's not so important what you do, just that you do something. As Mother Teresa reminds us, "We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love."
Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you thing of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff.
Part 1:
Lessons
So the other day as I was walking out to my car to feed the meter, I noticed a man walking by on the sidewalk. It was apparent that he was homeless and looked as if he hadn't bathed in a month. His clothes were tattered and stained, his hair stringy and he walked slightly hunched over, head down. He glanced up when he saw me walking across the street and looked back down, then did a double take. He made eye contact, we both said "hi" and then he smiled. He told me I was beautiful, saw me smile and walked on. When he looked me in the eye, I noticed he was much younger than I originally thought - probably in his late twenties or early thirties. He had a tattoo down one side of his face, but he looked as if he probably used to be an attractive man. In his eyes - sadness.
This very brief encounter reminded me of something I recently read. A girl was ranting about some homeless man in her area who compliments/hits on her. She was disgusted that some toothless, smelly old man would even bother since she is clearly so far above him. Okay, so that's not exactly what she said, but it was certainly the tone of the blog. It grieved me. These men, homeless or not, are still human. They still recognize beauty when they see it. Why are some people actually offended to receive a compliment from someone on a "lower" level than them? A compliment is a compliment. A man is a man. I imagined this man as a young boy, playing with his classmates on the playground at recess. I imagined his mother holding him and wiping tears from his eyes. I imagined him playing little league baseball, being shy around his first crush, falling from a tree and scraping his knee, frolicking in the yard with his puppy. I imagined so many things that every young boy experiences. And then I wonder how he got to where he is today. Whatever the reason, be it an addiction or simply a string of poor choices, he is still a man, still human and still deserving of common human decency. He doesn't need to be judged (I'm sure he judges himself harshly enough), he doesn't need to be looked on with contempt or disgust, he doesn't need to be overlooked. What does it hurt us to actually meet their gaze, look them in the eye, smile at them and greet them with a "hello"?
I regret not doing more, talking to him longer or offering him something to eat, drink or just simply some of my time. I don't have much, but I am so blessed, so fortunate in my life and I could have passed just a little bit of that on to him. I certainly could have spared some time. Afterall, I was feeling very unattractive that day. I had spent the morning doing laundry, cleaning house. I hadn't showered yet or put on make-up. I was wearing grubby clothes and felt frumpy. I needed his compliment that day and I'm grateful that he wasn't too proud or too ashamed or too busy to tell me that he thought I was beautiful.
Part 2:
Confirmation
Interesting thing... Right after I wrote my entry this morning, I read something in the "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff..." book I keep in the bathroom.
Develop Your Compassion
Nothing helps us build our perspective more than developing compassion for others. Compassion is a sympathetic feeling. It involves the willingness to put yourself in someone else's shoes, to take the focus off yourself and to imagine what it's like to be in someone else's predicament, and simultaneously, to feel love for that person. It's the recognition that other people's problems, their pain and frustrations, are every bit as real as our own - often far worse. In recognizing this fact and trying to offer some assistance, we open our own hearts and greatly enhance our sense of gratitude.
Compassion is something you can develop with practice. It involves two things: intention and action. Intention simply means you remember to open your heart to others; you expand what and who matters, from yourself to other people. Action is simply the "what you do about it." You might donate a little money or time (or both) on a regular basis to a cause near your heart. Or perhaps you'll offer a beautiful smile and genuine "hello" to the people you meet on the street. It's not so important what you do, just that you do something. As Mother Teresa reminds us, "We cannot do great things on this earth. We can only do small things with great love."
Compassion develops your sense of gratitude by taking your attention off all the little things that most of us have learned to take too seriously. When you take time, often, to reflect on the miracle of life - the miracle that you are even able to read this book - the gift of sight, of love and all the rest, it can help to remind you that many of the things that you thing of as "big stuff" are really just "small stuff" that you are turning into big stuff.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Why is it so difficult to learn?
"When people show you who they are, believe them!"
This is a quote that a friend of mine repeats to me pretty often - apparently I have a hard time learning that lesson. Today, I actually had the opportunity to pass on that wisdom... Hopefully we will both truly learn to do that.
I mean, how many chances am I going to give someone to prove to me that they are different than what they are showing me?
This is a quote that a friend of mine repeats to me pretty often - apparently I have a hard time learning that lesson. Today, I actually had the opportunity to pass on that wisdom... Hopefully we will both truly learn to do that.
I mean, how many chances am I going to give someone to prove to me that they are different than what they are showing me?
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
Insomnia
I just got back last night from my trip to Seattle to see my brother, Jacqelli and her grandma and my lovely niece Kiara. I met them in Seattle and we spent Friday night there. Saturday morning, we got a late start, but decided to drive down to Seaside and Cannon Beach, Oregon. One of my favorite places in the country. My little brother had never been there and Jacqelli and I both felt like we needed a visit to the beach. It was good to feel the sand between my toes, the cold water lapping at my ankles and the wind in my face... Tranquil. Healing. I felt like I could actually breathe. I don't feel like that here. Not usually anyway.
We spent Saturday afternoon and evening on the beach, went out to dinner and decided to stay the night in Seaside and drive back to Seattle on Sunday. Sunday morning, as we were walking into the Pig N Pancake for breakfast, I ran into a friend of mine from Coeur d'Alene. Its a small world! Or at least a small corner of the US here in the Northwest. We were talking about how much we both need some girl time so were planning a trip to Boise probably mid-August. Anyways, after breakfast and another walk on the beach and through town, we hit the road, but stopped to pick blackberries for a while. That stop and the traffic as we got closer to Seattle set me back a few hours. After we got to their hotel, I jumped in the car and drove another 4 ½ hours to Spokane.
On Saturday night, at Cannon Beach, there was a bride in a lovely gown and her new husband. They were doing the wedding pictures on the beach and while the photographer was rounding up family members for a shot, the groom wrapped his arm around his new bride, dipped her back as they shared the most incredibly passionate kiss. I'm usually not a big fan of weddings, but that moment deeply affected me. Maybe it was the memories of my own wedding on a beach in Mexico I dont know. It made me miss being a wife and loving someone so completely. It made me miss being wrapped up in strong arms and...
This weekend, there were moments like that one that made me feel lonely and sad and miss married life. But then, there were also moments that made me thankful for my freedom and independence. Thankful for the walls I've put up I have a couple of suitors, if you will, and I have been pushing them away lately. It's not easy, but I know its for the best in the long run. I don't expect others to understand that. In fact, a lot of people dont understand how I can possibly be happy until I have a man in my life. I believe that wholeness comes from a deep and personal relationship with Christ. And that is what I have to keep my focus on. Everything else will fall into place when it's supposed to. Im confident of that. Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on and enjoying this freedom that I so cherish.
I wrote a long post, but lost it. Hopefully I got enough out that I'll be able to sleep though. Insomnia sucks!
And I'll leave you with a picture I took this weekend. Enjoy.
We spent Saturday afternoon and evening on the beach, went out to dinner and decided to stay the night in Seaside and drive back to Seattle on Sunday. Sunday morning, as we were walking into the Pig N Pancake for breakfast, I ran into a friend of mine from Coeur d'Alene. Its a small world! Or at least a small corner of the US here in the Northwest. We were talking about how much we both need some girl time so were planning a trip to Boise probably mid-August. Anyways, after breakfast and another walk on the beach and through town, we hit the road, but stopped to pick blackberries for a while. That stop and the traffic as we got closer to Seattle set me back a few hours. After we got to their hotel, I jumped in the car and drove another 4 ½ hours to Spokane.
On Saturday night, at Cannon Beach, there was a bride in a lovely gown and her new husband. They were doing the wedding pictures on the beach and while the photographer was rounding up family members for a shot, the groom wrapped his arm around his new bride, dipped her back as they shared the most incredibly passionate kiss. I'm usually not a big fan of weddings, but that moment deeply affected me. Maybe it was the memories of my own wedding on a beach in Mexico I dont know. It made me miss being a wife and loving someone so completely. It made me miss being wrapped up in strong arms and...
This weekend, there were moments like that one that made me feel lonely and sad and miss married life. But then, there were also moments that made me thankful for my freedom and independence. Thankful for the walls I've put up I have a couple of suitors, if you will, and I have been pushing them away lately. It's not easy, but I know its for the best in the long run. I don't expect others to understand that. In fact, a lot of people dont understand how I can possibly be happy until I have a man in my life. I believe that wholeness comes from a deep and personal relationship with Christ. And that is what I have to keep my focus on. Everything else will fall into place when it's supposed to. Im confident of that. Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on and enjoying this freedom that I so cherish.
I wrote a long post, but lost it. Hopefully I got enough out that I'll be able to sleep though. Insomnia sucks!
And I'll leave you with a picture I took this weekend. Enjoy.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Trust
Emotional day. I have been hurt and betrayed. My trust broken. I've been crying most of the evening and my eyes are tired, my heart aches.
It's funny the different emotions we can go through in a single day. To go from being happy to being enraged, to just feeling hurt and sad, to being hopeful again.
I confronted the source of the betrayal and said my piece. I got it off my chest and heard them out. I know that there is genuine sorrow and regret on their end. How can I not forgive? "Hurt people, hurt people." Translation: People who are hurting often tend to lash out and hurt other people. I heard once that only the people you love can really hurt you emotionally. If it were someone I didn't love, I wouldn't care what they did or said or thought. Maybe that's true, but at any rate, I do love these people - very much.
Trust is lost, but the funny thing about trust is that it can always be earned back. I will tread carefully, but I am hopeful that this very unpleasant situation will provide an opportunity for growth - for everyone involved.
I forgive. It doesn't take away the pain of being betrayed, but that will subside with time. I am reminded of all that Christ has forgiven me for. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone else.
I've tried to do some damage control and speak the truth, but it's up to them if they will believe the incorrect information or the truth. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. The past is the past. Tomorrow is a new day.
It's funny the different emotions we can go through in a single day. To go from being happy to being enraged, to just feeling hurt and sad, to being hopeful again.
I confronted the source of the betrayal and said my piece. I got it off my chest and heard them out. I know that there is genuine sorrow and regret on their end. How can I not forgive? "Hurt people, hurt people." Translation: People who are hurting often tend to lash out and hurt other people. I heard once that only the people you love can really hurt you emotionally. If it were someone I didn't love, I wouldn't care what they did or said or thought. Maybe that's true, but at any rate, I do love these people - very much.
Trust is lost, but the funny thing about trust is that it can always be earned back. I will tread carefully, but I am hopeful that this very unpleasant situation will provide an opportunity for growth - for everyone involved.
I forgive. It doesn't take away the pain of being betrayed, but that will subside with time. I am reminded of all that Christ has forgiven me for. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone else.
I've tried to do some damage control and speak the truth, but it's up to them if they will believe the incorrect information or the truth. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. The past is the past. Tomorrow is a new day.
Quick Update
I went to Juneau for my 10 year class reunion and just to be around family. I was able to see Toby's family briefly and am amazed at their attitudes in light of losing him. I know it's tough for them emotionally. They are sad because they miss him, but they take comfort in the knowledge that he is with the Lord and that he fulfilled his purpose on this earth. His life is a great testimony to all that knew him an example of how each of us should live. The reunion was okay. It was good to see some of the people there and get to know some of the others that I never really knew. I was also able to spend a lot of time with a long time friend and get to know him in a different light. Funny how you can know someone for over 10 years and not really ever KNOW them. Overall, it was a good trip back. Actually, it was the best trip back since my divorce. I was able to keep my emotions in check and even though there were lots of reminders of my former life that made me sad, those feelings werent as intense. I was able to push past them and just enjoy the time with my family. It also helped that I didnt see him while I was there.
I got a couple of job offers while I was there one that was actually very tempting. I miss the money I used to make and I miss a lot of the work but I dont miss Juneau and I dont miss the stress. If only my office had a seasonal position for 8 or 9 months a year I'd take a seasonal position in Juneau for the summers Well, maybe not, but it would be fun for at least a year.
Speaking of work, I finally had my review at work last week and it went well. They recognize that I am overqualified for my position (their words, not mine) and that they are not working me to my potential. Hopefully that will start to change. It's nice to know that hard work and experience mean something to someone in the company. All too often, gossip, negativity and ass-kissing are rewarded. It's not about what you know or what you can do, it's about sucking up to the right people even if you turn around and badmouth them as soon as you walk out of the office. I know that is the case in some work environments in fact, I've witnessed that in many offices I've worked in. I'm fortunate to work here though, especially in the department that I do because I'm the only female there is none of that cattiness, backbiting or drama in our section and I actually genuinely like the guys I work with.
So, I just got an email asking me if I would photograph my friends daughters wedding next month in Juneau if they bought my ticket up. Im flattered! But that is a lot of pressure. I've never done a wedding before and its not like you can just do it over if they arent happy with the pictures. I know they want to save money which is why they asked me instead of a professional, but they have a lot of confidence in my work. I'll have to check the dates and really think about it. I did mention it to a friend of mine who is a photographer up there and he said if I did it, hed shoot it with me for free and give me some tips and all. It would be a great learning experience for me and having his photos on top of mine that would be awesome for the family. Hmmm... What to do??
I got a couple of job offers while I was there one that was actually very tempting. I miss the money I used to make and I miss a lot of the work but I dont miss Juneau and I dont miss the stress. If only my office had a seasonal position for 8 or 9 months a year I'd take a seasonal position in Juneau for the summers Well, maybe not, but it would be fun for at least a year.
Speaking of work, I finally had my review at work last week and it went well. They recognize that I am overqualified for my position (their words, not mine) and that they are not working me to my potential. Hopefully that will start to change. It's nice to know that hard work and experience mean something to someone in the company. All too often, gossip, negativity and ass-kissing are rewarded. It's not about what you know or what you can do, it's about sucking up to the right people even if you turn around and badmouth them as soon as you walk out of the office. I know that is the case in some work environments in fact, I've witnessed that in many offices I've worked in. I'm fortunate to work here though, especially in the department that I do because I'm the only female there is none of that cattiness, backbiting or drama in our section and I actually genuinely like the guys I work with.
So, I just got an email asking me if I would photograph my friends daughters wedding next month in Juneau if they bought my ticket up. Im flattered! But that is a lot of pressure. I've never done a wedding before and its not like you can just do it over if they arent happy with the pictures. I know they want to save money which is why they asked me instead of a professional, but they have a lot of confidence in my work. I'll have to check the dates and really think about it. I did mention it to a friend of mine who is a photographer up there and he said if I did it, hed shoot it with me for free and give me some tips and all. It would be a great learning experience for me and having his photos on top of mine that would be awesome for the family. Hmmm... What to do??
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