Am I really?

Incomplete: I was compared today to a circle that is only about a quarter drawn. I asked if that meant I was incomplete. The response, was not only that I was, but that it wasn't "barely or partially incomplete, but significantly incomplete."

Faithless: "Look at all this stuff on your walls, Sandra." I look and see a picture with a chinese symbol for Faith and on another wall, a scripture about trusting God, etc. He then tells me basically that I'm a hypocrite, that I claim to trust God and have faith, but my actions and self made defenses paint a different picture.

Transparent: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's true for me. My eyes betray me - they never lie. Three people yesterday asked me why I was sad - all three of them never saw anything on my face but a smile and never heard anything but laughter and cheer. Good, bad or indifferent, my eyes are always exposing the truth, shouting it from the rooftops for all to hear.

Approachable: A lot of people confide in me at work. They ask for advice on dealing with coworkers or supervisors or how to handle HR related issues. Some have me proof read emails that may be taken the wrong way or ask for suggestions on what to say or do in various situations. I was told recently it's because of my reputation of being approachable, confidential and compassionate, yet straight forward and honest.

Stunning: I think that is one of my favorite compliments on my physical appearance. Pretty, cute, even gorgeous and beautiful are great, but overused in general. I've only been called "stunning" a handful of times, but it gives me a boost that few other compliments can. Thursday was one of those times.

Fighting: Now this one is both good and bad. I'm in constant battle - against myself, against injustice, against God, against men who want to be let in, against my will, against the mold, against what is expected, against my convictions, against shades of gray... It's exhausting.

Contradictory: I'm a free spirit, yet trapped. I'm optimistic, cheerful, always laughing and the life of the party, yet there is a deep, unyielding sadness in my soul. I am an adventurer, fearless, striving to live life to the fullest, yet I am afraid. I'm a Christian, compassionate, loving, forgiving, a good person, yet I am evil, sinful, unfaithful. I am outgoing, yet shy. Confident, yet self-conscious. Strong, yet weak. Giving, yet selfish... The list goes on...

Holding On

A few years ago, I took a road trip to Canada. On the way back, I stopped at this incredible view point to take pictures and just enjoy the magnificence and beauty of nature. I was standing on this rock overlooking the fog-filled valley. Just below the rock was at least a 100 foot drop. As I stood there feeling safe, my foot slipped and I fell and barely caught myself. Legs dangling over the edge, I held on with all my strength.

That moment is how I feel in my spiritual life. Once strong, stable, secure, I got cocky. One mis-step and I slipped. Only, no one noticed. Now here I am, barely holding on, but quickly losing my foothold. Every move I make seems to weaken my grasp and pull me further over the edge. At times I feel like giving up, letting go and falling into the abyss. I don't feel I have the strength to keep trying, but I know the fall would be the death of me.

How many of us are in a place in life where we are barely holding on, thinking that if we just hold on long enough,we'll be healed, restored, rescued? I can't tell you how often people come to me for prayer, encouragement, a Bible verse or something - anything to alleviate the pain or give them a glimmer of hope. They are reaching out for a hand to pull them out of despair or a boost to get back on solid ground.

They don't see that I'm dangling over the edge, in need of rescuing myself. I keep the smile on my face, ever the picture of strength and confidence, afraid to let my weakness show. Why is it so difficult to ask for help? Do I really think I can do this on my own? Is it the fear of being judged? Isn't it better to ask for help, admit I am weak and see the disappointment in a few human faces, than to fall and see the disappointment in the eyes of my Father - simply because I was too prideful, or too ashamed (or both) to ask for help?

We are so quick to pass judgement on others. We lack compassion for the liars, cheaters, thiefs or even the negative coworker that we have to "deal with" every day. We judge the drunks on the street, the homeless, panhandlers, prostitutes and druggies. We look down our noses at them and tell ourselves "God helps those who help themselves." We wonder why they don't just clean up their act, get a job and contribute to society or why they are more concerned about their next high than about those who are affected by their actions. I wonder sometimes, if it is our own fear or realization that each of us is only a few bad choices away from being in their shoes - lost, desperate and just looking for anything to numb the pain for the remainder of this miserable existence. They are broken, but they are still alive - barely holding on. There is still hope.

Dangling from that rock, all I could say was "Oh Jesus!" In His name, I found hope, strength, meaning. No one else was around and my own physical strength had nothing to do with my salvation. It is by the grace of God, alone, that I am still here.

But...

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on.
I'm holdin on.
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
("Broken" chorus - Lifehouse)

Uncomfortable Truth

I'm agitated... not in a good place...

You know when someone says something to you and as much as you deny it, the truth of it just starts to burrow it's way under your skin and into your nerves and just makes you very uncomfortable?

That's kind of where I am.

But I don't know what to do about it.

Personal Rant

I consider myself a pretty upbeat person most days. I am happy, outgoing, friendly and generally optimistic. My journal sees more varied emotions and low points than even my closest friends. Often, people comment on my attitude and ask how I can be happy as often as I am. Almost daily someone comments on my smile, sense of humor and ability to let things roll off my back. But, I am human. I do have my days when I feel sad, lost, lonely, irritated or grouchy. I have days where I lack the energy or desire to put on a smile, laugh at a joke or make the effort to be a good conversationalist.

Sunday evening was one of those times when I felt sad and lonely. It was short lived, but instead of showing some understanding and just being there, offering your ear or support or even a simple kind word, you seemed irritated that I wasn't in a good mood, laughing at you like I always do and being your "good time gal." You want me to cheer you up when you are grouchy, put up with you when you are cantankerous and just be there whenever you need me. If I don't answer a call or respond to a text right away, you take it personally, but get impatient with me if I react in the same manner. You expect me to be at your beckon call, but don't even think twice when you are unresponsive for days or weeks on end. You say that you want to be the one I call when things are good as well as when things are bad, that I should lean on you in those times. But in the same conversation, you tell me things are bad enough in your life right now without adding my issues. You even refrain from calling me when you think I may be in a bad mood. That is not being there for me, my friend.

Just to be clear - I'm happy to be there for you whenever you want or need me. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you or hear your voice on the other end of the line. I don't care what mood you are in, I want you to be real with me. But I don't think it's selfish to want the same in return. If you can't or choose not to be that person for me, then I respect that. I'm used to giving more than I take - in fact, most of my friendships are like that. But don't pretend to be different if you are not. I won't be your cure-all pill. But if you really want everything - prove it.

"I Will... But..."
~SheDaisy~

I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill

I won't be your Friday paycheck
I won't be the prize you flaunt
And I won't be your Martha Stewart, baby
Or your all-night restaurant

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

I won't be your crutch to lean on
I won't wear stiletto heels
I won't walk a mile in your shoes
Just so I know how it feels

I won't be your obligation
I won't be your Barbie doll
I won't be the portrait of perfection
To adorn you wall

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

Hey - you know, you know I will
All right

I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line

But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but

Yeah, I will, I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will be the whole shebang
I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will, I will, I will - yeah

The Unattainable

It always amuses me that men want what they can't have. The unattainable is so attractive to them, for some reason.

Today I realized I too, am guilty of desiring the impossible. What's with that?

"The eyes of man (and Sandra) are never satisfied..." Proverbs 27:20

Thank God for Sisters

Four years ago, my sister saved my life. I was at the end of my rope and wanted out. I had spent hours begging God to take me home, but I knew he wouldn't. I wanted to end my life and I think I would have had my sister not called me at just the right moment and talked me back from the edge, so to speak. I'm so grateful for her wisdom, encouragement and discernment.
Thank you, Heather, for listening to the Holy Spirit and obeying. Your call that day, 4 years ago, saved my life. I love you.

New Year's Resolutions

I usually don't make New Years Resolutions because I don't like to set myself up for disappointment or failure. Lame, right? But I know myself well enough to know what is important to me and what things I tend to put on the back burner. I wish certain things were more important to me, but I slack on them.

Last year, however, I borrowed a friend's NYR. I resolved to do something I had never done before EVERY MONTH. And I'm happy to announce that I succeeded. Some months it was a challenge and other months, I was able to get in 3 or 4 new experiences. There were no rules; it simply had to be something that I, personally, had never done - big or small. Over the course of 2007, I brought in New Years in Times Square NYC, hitchhiked, got a tattoo, went to Sturgis Biker Rally, visited a clothing-optional beach, learned to play poker, skinny dipped (or in my case, chunky dunked), earned beads, donated blood, sponsored a child, bet on horse races, joined a running club, water skied and tubed, went to/participated in a live auction, rode a motorcycle and got my endorsement, bought a car by myself, went to San Francisco and saw the Golden Gate bridge and Alcatraz, went to Tijuana and so much more. The only other resolution that I can remember keeping was the resolution to travel out of my city at least once a month and that has been 3 years running. Hopefully I can continue the monthly new experiences as well.

I am on a quest to live life to the fullest and sometimes the mundane, day to day crap gets in the way. I get tired and bored and stagnant. But when I am challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone, to experience new things and to NOT allow fear to stop me - THAT is when I feel most alive.

This year I would like to work on bettering myself physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. If I can end 2008 feeling more healthy in every one of those areas, I'd be happy. I'd also like to see a stamp on my new passport before the year is through. But more than all of that, I simply want to have a grateful heart and positive attitude. I have spent too many years being cynical and suspicious and making my walls impenetrable. I think it's time to open myself up and that is the scariest challenge of all. So there you have it. I'm always up for suggestions and accountability to help me succeed in these areas so bring it on.