It’s spring, but you wouldn’t know it with the recent snowfalls and chill in the air.
Today, I’m not feeling well. I’ve got a nasty cough with head and chest congestion. In addition to that, my back has been in so much pain, I’ve had to take vicodin and sleeping meds. Usually I have a pretty high pain threshold so if I’m taking any meds at all, trust me, it’s BAD. I wish my chiropractor was open on the weekends.
All that aside, I’m feeling very grateful today, yet very raw. Today is significant for me for two reasons. First, and most importantly, today is Easter Sunday. The day that Christians all over the world celebrate the resurrection of our Savior. A perfect man, the Son of God, who lived a blameless life, paid the price for every one of our sins. How many of us struggle with guilt every time we fall? I know I do. How many of us try to pay penance or make up for our short comings by doing a good deed or two? It’s pointless. We can’t undo what we’ve done. No amount of guilt or good deeds will get us into Heaven. We are saved, not by our works, but simply by the grace of God. In His amazing love, He sacrificed his life to pay a debt He did not owe, because we owed a debt we could never pay. Accept it. Simple as that.
On a far lesser scale of importance, today I have been divorced for 4 years. That’s almost as long as I was married. I remember the day being much like today. It could have been sunny and warm, but for all I remember, it was dreary, gray - a fog. I remember sitting in the courthouse next to the love of my life, pleading with him to walk out of there with me and just start over. I remember the judge’s cold harsh tone as he announced our divorce final effective immediately. I remember walking out into the lobby trying to muster up every ounce of strength still hiding somewhere inside me as my "ex-husband" embraced me and cried. All he could do was say, "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Are you going to be alright?" He begged my forgiveness, but was not interested in coming back to me. I remember walking back to my office trying to focus on the meeting I was required to attend. I remember going home that night and locking myself in my room with a bottle of wine - sobbing uncontrollably. I felt that my life was over.
Not long later, I decided to view it as a fresh start, a clean slate. I took 9 months off work and traveled the country alone. I made friends, had great experiences and saw so many things in a new light. I agreed with the old adage that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In fact, I’ve even loved and lost again. I have claimed to have put that whole chapter behind me, moved on and celebrated my freedom. However, in the last 4 years, I’ve allowed my emotional baggage to drag me down as I’ve constructed walls around my heart to protect me from ever feeling that strongly again. I’ve dated here and there and have met some pretty amazing men, but almost always cut ties with them before I would allow myself to feel. They have paid for hurts they did not cause and I have missed out on so much love. I guess it wasn’t really a clean slate after all.
It’s spring... It’s Easter... It’s been 4 years. Time to start trusting God, accepting the gifts that He so generously pours out on me... Easier said than done, but I’m trying. Just the simple fact that I didn’t run away this weekend shows signs of new growth.
So here’s to growth... fresh starts... a new chapter... Cheers.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Purge
You know that feeling you get when you are sick and you know your body just wants to purge everything - good and bad - from your system? If you are like me, you fight it and just think if you can keep it in, you will be able to digest it and absorb the nutrients that your body needs and whatever is left over that you don't need will be disposed of.
That's kind of how I feel in my head right now. I have so much going on inside that it's making me sick and I feel like it just all needs to come out. But at the same time, maybe if I just keep it in and digest it...
That's kind of how I feel in my head right now. I have so much going on inside that it's making me sick and I feel like it just all needs to come out. But at the same time, maybe if I just keep it in and digest it...
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Am I really?
Incomplete: I was compared today to a circle that is only about a quarter drawn. I asked if that meant I was incomplete. The response, was not only that I was, but that it wasn't "barely or partially incomplete, but significantly incomplete."
Faithless: "Look at all this stuff on your walls, Sandra." I look and see a picture with a chinese symbol for Faith and on another wall, a scripture about trusting God, etc. He then tells me basically that I'm a hypocrite, that I claim to trust God and have faith, but my actions and self made defenses paint a different picture.
Transparent: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's true for me. My eyes betray me - they never lie. Three people yesterday asked me why I was sad - all three of them never saw anything on my face but a smile and never heard anything but laughter and cheer. Good, bad or indifferent, my eyes are always exposing the truth, shouting it from the rooftops for all to hear.
Approachable: A lot of people confide in me at work. They ask for advice on dealing with coworkers or supervisors or how to handle HR related issues. Some have me proof read emails that may be taken the wrong way or ask for suggestions on what to say or do in various situations. I was told recently it's because of my reputation of being approachable, confidential and compassionate, yet straight forward and honest.
Stunning: I think that is one of my favorite compliments on my physical appearance. Pretty, cute, even gorgeous and beautiful are great, but overused in general. I've only been called "stunning" a handful of times, but it gives me a boost that few other compliments can. Thursday was one of those times.
Fighting: Now this one is both good and bad. I'm in constant battle - against myself, against injustice, against God, against men who want to be let in, against my will, against the mold, against what is expected, against my convictions, against shades of gray... It's exhausting.
Contradictory: I'm a free spirit, yet trapped. I'm optimistic, cheerful, always laughing and the life of the party, yet there is a deep, unyielding sadness in my soul. I am an adventurer, fearless, striving to live life to the fullest, yet I am afraid. I'm a Christian, compassionate, loving, forgiving, a good person, yet I am evil, sinful, unfaithful. I am outgoing, yet shy. Confident, yet self-conscious. Strong, yet weak. Giving, yet selfish... The list goes on...
Faithless: "Look at all this stuff on your walls, Sandra." I look and see a picture with a chinese symbol for Faith and on another wall, a scripture about trusting God, etc. He then tells me basically that I'm a hypocrite, that I claim to trust God and have faith, but my actions and self made defenses paint a different picture.
Transparent: They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. It's true for me. My eyes betray me - they never lie. Three people yesterday asked me why I was sad - all three of them never saw anything on my face but a smile and never heard anything but laughter and cheer. Good, bad or indifferent, my eyes are always exposing the truth, shouting it from the rooftops for all to hear.
Approachable: A lot of people confide in me at work. They ask for advice on dealing with coworkers or supervisors or how to handle HR related issues. Some have me proof read emails that may be taken the wrong way or ask for suggestions on what to say or do in various situations. I was told recently it's because of my reputation of being approachable, confidential and compassionate, yet straight forward and honest.
Stunning: I think that is one of my favorite compliments on my physical appearance. Pretty, cute, even gorgeous and beautiful are great, but overused in general. I've only been called "stunning" a handful of times, but it gives me a boost that few other compliments can. Thursday was one of those times.
Fighting: Now this one is both good and bad. I'm in constant battle - against myself, against injustice, against God, against men who want to be let in, against my will, against the mold, against what is expected, against my convictions, against shades of gray... It's exhausting.
Contradictory: I'm a free spirit, yet trapped. I'm optimistic, cheerful, always laughing and the life of the party, yet there is a deep, unyielding sadness in my soul. I am an adventurer, fearless, striving to live life to the fullest, yet I am afraid. I'm a Christian, compassionate, loving, forgiving, a good person, yet I am evil, sinful, unfaithful. I am outgoing, yet shy. Confident, yet self-conscious. Strong, yet weak. Giving, yet selfish... The list goes on...
Holding On
A few years ago, I took a road trip to Canada. On the way back, I stopped at this incredible view point to take pictures and just enjoy the magnificence and beauty of nature. I was standing on this rock overlooking the fog-filled valley. Just below the rock was at least a 100 foot drop. As I stood there feeling safe, my foot slipped and I fell and barely caught myself. Legs dangling over the edge, I held on with all my strength.
That moment is how I feel in my spiritual life. Once strong, stable, secure, I got cocky. One mis-step and I slipped. Only, no one noticed. Now here I am, barely holding on, but quickly losing my foothold. Every move I make seems to weaken my grasp and pull me further over the edge. At times I feel like giving up, letting go and falling into the abyss. I don't feel I have the strength to keep trying, but I know the fall would be the death of me.
How many of us are in a place in life where we are barely holding on, thinking that if we just hold on long enough,we'll be healed, restored, rescued? I can't tell you how often people come to me for prayer, encouragement, a Bible verse or something - anything to alleviate the pain or give them a glimmer of hope. They are reaching out for a hand to pull them out of despair or a boost to get back on solid ground.
They don't see that I'm dangling over the edge, in need of rescuing myself. I keep the smile on my face, ever the picture of strength and confidence, afraid to let my weakness show. Why is it so difficult to ask for help? Do I really think I can do this on my own? Is it the fear of being judged? Isn't it better to ask for help, admit I am weak and see the disappointment in a few human faces, than to fall and see the disappointment in the eyes of my Father - simply because I was too prideful, or too ashamed (or both) to ask for help?
We are so quick to pass judgement on others. We lack compassion for the liars, cheaters, thiefs or even the negative coworker that we have to "deal with" every day. We judge the drunks on the street, the homeless, panhandlers, prostitutes and druggies. We look down our noses at them and tell ourselves "God helps those who help themselves." We wonder why they don't just clean up their act, get a job and contribute to society or why they are more concerned about their next high than about those who are affected by their actions. I wonder sometimes, if it is our own fear or realization that each of us is only a few bad choices away from being in their shoes - lost, desperate and just looking for anything to numb the pain for the remainder of this miserable existence. They are broken, but they are still alive - barely holding on. There is still hope.
Dangling from that rock, all I could say was "Oh Jesus!" In His name, I found hope, strength, meaning. No one else was around and my own physical strength had nothing to do with my salvation. It is by the grace of God, alone, that I am still here.
But...
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on.
I'm holdin on.
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
("Broken" chorus - Lifehouse)
That moment is how I feel in my spiritual life. Once strong, stable, secure, I got cocky. One mis-step and I slipped. Only, no one noticed. Now here I am, barely holding on, but quickly losing my foothold. Every move I make seems to weaken my grasp and pull me further over the edge. At times I feel like giving up, letting go and falling into the abyss. I don't feel I have the strength to keep trying, but I know the fall would be the death of me.
How many of us are in a place in life where we are barely holding on, thinking that if we just hold on long enough,we'll be healed, restored, rescued? I can't tell you how often people come to me for prayer, encouragement, a Bible verse or something - anything to alleviate the pain or give them a glimmer of hope. They are reaching out for a hand to pull them out of despair or a boost to get back on solid ground.
They don't see that I'm dangling over the edge, in need of rescuing myself. I keep the smile on my face, ever the picture of strength and confidence, afraid to let my weakness show. Why is it so difficult to ask for help? Do I really think I can do this on my own? Is it the fear of being judged? Isn't it better to ask for help, admit I am weak and see the disappointment in a few human faces, than to fall and see the disappointment in the eyes of my Father - simply because I was too prideful, or too ashamed (or both) to ask for help?
We are so quick to pass judgement on others. We lack compassion for the liars, cheaters, thiefs or even the negative coworker that we have to "deal with" every day. We judge the drunks on the street, the homeless, panhandlers, prostitutes and druggies. We look down our noses at them and tell ourselves "God helps those who help themselves." We wonder why they don't just clean up their act, get a job and contribute to society or why they are more concerned about their next high than about those who are affected by their actions. I wonder sometimes, if it is our own fear or realization that each of us is only a few bad choices away from being in their shoes - lost, desperate and just looking for anything to numb the pain for the remainder of this miserable existence. They are broken, but they are still alive - barely holding on. There is still hope.
Dangling from that rock, all I could say was "Oh Jesus!" In His name, I found hope, strength, meaning. No one else was around and my own physical strength had nothing to do with my salvation. It is by the grace of God, alone, that I am still here.
But...
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on.
I'm holdin on.
I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you
("Broken" chorus - Lifehouse)
Monday, February 25, 2008
Uncomfortable Truth
I'm agitated... not in a good place...
You know when someone says something to you and as much as you deny it, the truth of it just starts to burrow it's way under your skin and into your nerves and just makes you very uncomfortable?
That's kind of where I am.
But I don't know what to do about it.
You know when someone says something to you and as much as you deny it, the truth of it just starts to burrow it's way under your skin and into your nerves and just makes you very uncomfortable?
That's kind of where I am.
But I don't know what to do about it.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Personal Rant
I consider myself a pretty upbeat person most days. I am happy, outgoing, friendly and generally optimistic. My journal sees more varied emotions and low points than even my closest friends. Often, people comment on my attitude and ask how I can be happy as often as I am. Almost daily someone comments on my smile, sense of humor and ability to let things roll off my back. But, I am human. I do have my days when I feel sad, lost, lonely, irritated or grouchy. I have days where I lack the energy or desire to put on a smile, laugh at a joke or make the effort to be a good conversationalist.
Sunday evening was one of those times when I felt sad and lonely. It was short lived, but instead of showing some understanding and just being there, offering your ear or support or even a simple kind word, you seemed irritated that I wasn't in a good mood, laughing at you like I always do and being your "good time gal." You want me to cheer you up when you are grouchy, put up with you when you are cantankerous and just be there whenever you need me. If I don't answer a call or respond to a text right away, you take it personally, but get impatient with me if I react in the same manner. You expect me to be at your beckon call, but don't even think twice when you are unresponsive for days or weeks on end. You say that you want to be the one I call when things are good as well as when things are bad, that I should lean on you in those times. But in the same conversation, you tell me things are bad enough in your life right now without adding my issues. You even refrain from calling me when you think I may be in a bad mood. That is not being there for me, my friend.
Just to be clear - I'm happy to be there for you whenever you want or need me. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you or hear your voice on the other end of the line. I don't care what mood you are in, I want you to be real with me. But I don't think it's selfish to want the same in return. If you can't or choose not to be that person for me, then I respect that. I'm used to giving more than I take - in fact, most of my friendships are like that. But don't pretend to be different if you are not. I won't be your cure-all pill. But if you really want everything - prove it.
"I Will... But..."
~SheDaisy~
I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill
I won't be your Friday paycheck
I won't be the prize you flaunt
And I won't be your Martha Stewart, baby
Or your all-night restaurant
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
I won't be your crutch to lean on
I won't wear stiletto heels
I won't walk a mile in your shoes
Just so I know how it feels
I won't be your obligation
I won't be your Barbie doll
I won't be the portrait of perfection
To adorn you wall
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
Hey - you know, you know I will
All right
I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
Yeah, I will, I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will be the whole shebang
I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will, I will, I will - yeah
Sunday evening was one of those times when I felt sad and lonely. It was short lived, but instead of showing some understanding and just being there, offering your ear or support or even a simple kind word, you seemed irritated that I wasn't in a good mood, laughing at you like I always do and being your "good time gal." You want me to cheer you up when you are grouchy, put up with you when you are cantankerous and just be there whenever you need me. If I don't answer a call or respond to a text right away, you take it personally, but get impatient with me if I react in the same manner. You expect me to be at your beckon call, but don't even think twice when you are unresponsive for days or weeks on end. You say that you want to be the one I call when things are good as well as when things are bad, that I should lean on you in those times. But in the same conversation, you tell me things are bad enough in your life right now without adding my issues. You even refrain from calling me when you think I may be in a bad mood. That is not being there for me, my friend.
Just to be clear - I'm happy to be there for you whenever you want or need me. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you or hear your voice on the other end of the line. I don't care what mood you are in, I want you to be real with me. But I don't think it's selfish to want the same in return. If you can't or choose not to be that person for me, then I respect that. I'm used to giving more than I take - in fact, most of my friendships are like that. But don't pretend to be different if you are not. I won't be your cure-all pill. But if you really want everything - prove it.
"I Will... But..."
~SheDaisy~
I won't be your dirty secret
I won't be your cure-all pill
And I won't run to fetch the water
Just to tumble down the hill
I won't be your Friday paycheck
I won't be the prize you flaunt
And I won't be your Martha Stewart, baby
Or your all-night restaurant
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
I won't be your crutch to lean on
I won't wear stiletto heels
I won't walk a mile in your shoes
Just so I know how it feels
I won't be your obligation
I won't be your Barbie doll
I won't be the portrait of perfection
To adorn you wall
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
Hey - you know, you know I will
All right
I won't be your lifetime girlfriend
I won't be just one of the guys
I won't be your mama's favorite
I refuse to be the last in line
But I will, I will, I will be your everything
If you make me feel like a woman should
I will, I will, I will be the whole shebang
You know I will...but
Yeah, I will, I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will be the whole shebang
I will, I will be your everything
I will, I will, I will, I will - yeah
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Unattainable
It always amuses me that men want what they can't have. The unattainable is so attractive to them, for some reason.
Today I realized I too, am guilty of desiring the impossible. What's with that?
"The eyes of man (and Sandra) are never satisfied..." Proverbs 27:20
Today I realized I too, am guilty of desiring the impossible. What's with that?
"The eyes of man (and Sandra) are never satisfied..." Proverbs 27:20
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)