Happy Mother's Day to all you beautiful moms! You certainly don't get the credit you deserve. I'm sitting here, in the sun in the backyard of the house I'm house-sitting, drinking a strawberry margarita and missing my own mother.
My mom is an incredible woman who has gone through more in her short (almost) 50 years than anyone else I know. She has given birth to 11 children, including one set of twins, that range in age from 4 years old to 32, and she has lost 3. She is a grandmother to 5 children, one step-grandchild, one on the way and one in Heaven. She's been a mother since she was 17 years old. She has been married, divorced, survived some abusive relationships and remarried. She has taught me so much about life, love, forgiveness and grace. She's made some horrible choices and paid dearly for those. She's taught me a lot in life - about what to do and what NOT to do. But the thing about my mom that impresses me the most; the most valuable lesson that she has taught, both in word and action, is that when you fall down, when you fail, when you disappoint yourself, God and all those around you - you GET BACK UP!!! Period! You don't give up, you don't stop trying to be a better person. You don't walk away from your faith with your head hung down in shame. You don't let the opinions, the gossip, the cruelty of others or your own guilt and shame keep you down. You get your eyes back on the path, refocus, repent and you get back up and keep on walking... EVERY TIME!!! It doesn't matter if you make the fail a hundred times - you don't give up. There is grace! There is forgiveness. There is mercy....
Although I don't always agree with my mom and she has the ability to frustrate me more than any other person I know, I love her more than any other person on the planet. I could write a book about her, but most of it would be unbelievable. Just suffice it to say, I love her. I miss her. She is the most amazing woman I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Random
It's nice to be hit on.
I wish I could cry... I feel the need for a good, cleansing release.
Since when did communicating with men become so difficult for me? Did I forget how to speak Man-ese?
Ever wonder just what the hell you are doing?
I feel a storm coming on... lots of stuff boiling under the surface...
I survived another Bloomsday on Sunday. My time was my worst yet at 1:23. I don't recommend drinking yourself stupid (or bitchy, as Ken put it) 2 nights before a 7.4 mile run.
I love watching people dance.
I should be sleeping...
...Goodnight Moon!
I wish I could cry... I feel the need for a good, cleansing release.
Since when did communicating with men become so difficult for me? Did I forget how to speak Man-ese?
Ever wonder just what the hell you are doing?
I feel a storm coming on... lots of stuff boiling under the surface...
I survived another Bloomsday on Sunday. My time was my worst yet at 1:23. I don't recommend drinking yourself stupid (or bitchy, as Ken put it) 2 nights before a 7.4 mile run.
I love watching people dance.
I should be sleeping...
...Goodnight Moon!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Quotes
I've read a few quotes lately that have stuck in my head...
It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
- Frederick Douglass, 1817 - 1895
(I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote)
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Brooks Adams, 1838 - 1918
It seems to me that the soul, when alone with itself and speaking to itself, uses only a small number of words, none of them extraordinary.
- Paul Ambroise Valéry, 1871 - 1945
And on that note, I'll just say that I'm tired and lonely and as much as I don't want company, I don't want to spend tonight alone.
And to all a good night.
It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
- Frederick Douglass, 1817 - 1895
(I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote)
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Brooks Adams, 1838 - 1918
It seems to me that the soul, when alone with itself and speaking to itself, uses only a small number of words, none of them extraordinary.
- Paul Ambroise Valéry, 1871 - 1945
And on that note, I'll just say that I'm tired and lonely and as much as I don't want company, I don't want to spend tonight alone.
And to all a good night.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
One Long Year
Wow! Hard to believe it's only been a year since "the incident." Most days it feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like it was just a dream... or more like something someone told me but I didn't really experience for myself.
Although I still don't know for certain all that happened that night, there have been a lot of assumptions, a lot of judgement and a lot of speculation. I have my own opinion of what really happened, but I guess none of that matters anymore.
What does matter is that I've grown a lot over the last year. I feel blessed and thankful for my life, my freedom and my friends who have encouraged and supported and loved me without judgement and without blame.
Although I still don't know for certain all that happened that night, there have been a lot of assumptions, a lot of judgement and a lot of speculation. I have my own opinion of what really happened, but I guess none of that matters anymore.
What does matter is that I've grown a lot over the last year. I feel blessed and thankful for my life, my freedom and my friends who have encouraged and supported and loved me without judgement and without blame.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Enough
Is it wrong to want to feel like I'm enough?
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Value
I've written in the past about confidence, but I've been finding it increasingly difficult lately to take my own words of advice. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my own sense of self worth.
I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.
It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.
I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.
I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.
You are priceless!
I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.
It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.
I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.
I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.
You are priceless!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Good Fortune & Favor
The streak continues. I've been offered every job for which I've interviewed (unless I withdrew interest first).
Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.
Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...
There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.
Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.
Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...
There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.
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