The Best Friend

So, Ken's best friend is in town. She lives in Iowa with her husband and a couple of kids, but her family is still in Spokane so she is here for a visit. I know her opinion means a lot to him. I hope I make a good impression on her. I don't know why I always get this social anxiety when I know I'm going to meet new people. I went out alone last night for the first time in a long time and met a few people and had no problem talking to them, no anxiety... I guess it's different if you really don't care what people think of you.
I am excited to meet her though... and I'm even more excited about Olive Garden. Yay for yummy salad and breadsticks.

It's been a boring week... Ready for some excitement in my life!!!

Fraud

Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Like any day people will start to realize that I'm not who they think I am. I wonder when my bosses will realize I'm not the competent, intelligent person they think I am. Or that the man in my life will open his eyes and realize what a silly, overweight, needy, scared, weak girl I am instead if the strong, beautiful, independent, confident woman he thinks I am. Or that my friends will realize what a selfish, boring person I am instead if the fun-loving, caring, trustworthy friend they see.

Compassion

I know this is terrible, but I'm having a hard time being compassionate today. Some days I just want to scream. I want to tell people to stop coming to me with their problems because I can't do a damn thing about them. Some days I want to tell people to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. Some days I want to tell people that life just plain effing sucks! Get used to it! Toughen up! It ain't gonna get any easier! People lie to you, they leave you, they betray you, they cheat, they hurt you, they die. It sucks. It hurts. But they can't take it back even if they wanted to and you can't undo it. You deal with it and you move forward with your life.

It's not that I don't genuinely feel bad for people. I do. Its just that I hurt when others hurt... and when you pile that on to the hurt that I deal with in my own life, some days its simply unbearable. Even as I write this I'm having a major guilt attack. I know some things you just don't "get over." As most of you know, I spent YEARS mourning the loss of my husband and the life that I hoped for and planned on. But sometimes those moments of impatience from friends made me realize I couldn't keep carrying on about this stuff forever. It was time to stand on my own and start focusing on the road ahead instead of the rear view mirror.

I am thankful that people find me trustworthy and that they value my opinion... Honestly, I am. Maybe I'm just jealous that I don't feel like I have anyone at the moment that I can go to with my issues... so I suppress them and look where it gets me. All angry and irritable and cynical...

Today, I am not a reflection of love. I am not patient or kind. I feel jealous, want to be rude and am proud.... and on and on.

** Lord, fill me with your love, once again.**

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Jesus & Kiss

I saw a van today with Jesus decals plastered all over it... and right alongside every Jesus decal was a Kiss band decal. I don't know why that got my funny bone, but I'm still chuckling every time I think about it.

Speaking of Love...

I've been in love twice... but have questioned the authenticity of that "love" when it ended. Does true love ever end?

Some people, myself included, have a tendency to over-emotionalize and some even tend to think they are in love, when they are not. I have friends who think they are in love with every guy they date and even some they never get the chance to date. It's funny, but sad.

The best definition of love is in the Bible and I don't care if you are a "believer" or not - you put it to the test for yourself and you'll see... There is no better checklist to confirm love. Love, of course, is not just a feeling - it is a choice. So, as a reminder to myself, lest I forget or allow my emotions to get ahead of me, here it is:

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Hopefully I will have a relationship some day that truly mirrors this list... Where I can insert my name where it says "Love" and he can insert his name there as well. In fact, hopefully ALL of my relationships will mirror this list some day. I'm not there yet...

That being said, when or if I get to that point with someone, why are the words "I Love You" so difficult to spit out? If you love someone, shouldn't you tell them?

Single

I've been spending a lot of time with Ken and find that I'm with him more than I'm alone. I have maybe two evenings a week where I don't see him but it's usually because I've got something else going on. Tonight, I am home alone and have absolutely no plans. I was talking to my sister on the phone and she asked what I was doing. I admitted that I was standing over the stove, eating out of the pan. She commented how nice it is to be able to eat right out of the pan or do whatever else my heart desires without anyone else looking at me funny. It got me thinking about all the good things about being single (as in unmarried) and living alone. Here are a few:

Eating straight out of the pan/jar/box/bag, etc
Being nekkid!!!
Controlling the remote (I don't get any tv channels, but I get to pick my movies)
Being as messy as I want
Being as clean as I want
Carrying on multiple text, email, instant message conversations as I want without someone feeling ignored
Hours and hours of pointless facebook and myspace quizzes/bulletins
Passing gas & belching at will
Not having to close the bathroom door
Leaving my hair stuff & makeup all over the bathroom
Going to sleep when I want
Not having to be quiet when insomnia strikes
Not having to check with someone else before doing what I want to do
Spontaneity!!
Not having to share a closet or dressers
The entire bed is "my side of the bed"
No one hogging all the blankets/pillows
Keeping the temperature at MY comfort level

Those are just a few... And even though I'm not married, some of those things I'm already losing...

Sad, that.

After a while.

I read this on a friend of a friend's blog... It really struck a chord in me.


After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain. And futures have
A way of falling down in midflight,
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong,
And you really do have worth
You learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn

-Veronica A Shofstall