I woke up this morning with a question on my mind. That is unusual for me. The past week or two I've had a song stuck in my head when I first wake up, but normally by first thoughts in the morning are remnants of dreams or thoughts of the coming day. As soon as I woke up this morning though, I heard, "What is the accomplishment you are most proud of?"
I was slightly annoyed at not being able to immediately answer the question and put it out of my mind. During my shower and get-ready ritual, that annoyance escalated to frustration. I posed the question on Facebook and immediately got a number of responses from mothers listing their children or motherhood as the accomplishment they are most proud of. While motherhood is an amazing thing, it is not what I was looking for. Almost anyone can become a parent. Much fewer should be allowed to raise children, but those who do it well and lovingly are certainly to be commended. Other answers included surviving cancer, buying a home, getting and keeping a good job which allowed them to provide good lives for their children, finishing school, passing exams, following Christ, etc. All accomplishments to be proud of indeed! A few of them turned the question back to me. I finally settled on the most obvious answer for the time. I chose the 50-state trip that I took right after my divorce, stating that I gained courage, confidence and faith and completely transformed myself during that journey of healing. I am a very different person because of that experience. I further responded that I'm not happy with that answer and am still pondering the question.
Later that morning, my boyfriend sent me an email in response to that facebook post. He brought up a couple of good points. He indicated that he felt I should be proud of the 50-state trip and I am. It did take dedication and perseverance. Many days I doubted the wisdom of the trip and I often felt like giving up, but my desire to achieve my goal kept me going even though it wasn't the wisest choice I've made from a financial or career standpoint. I'm glad I did it. The other point he made was the influence we have on others or the input we've had on their lives. He said, "Maybe our greatest accomplishments are not ones we are even aware of."
We all come into contact with many people on a daily basis. Some of those people are impacted by our words, our actions and even our non-verbal communications (body language, facial expressions, etc.). It doesn't matter if you are a politician, a pastor, a teacher, a supervisor, a parent, a doctor, a mechanic or a transient. YOU have an impact on someone else. Is that impact something to be proud of?
While, he is right, I'm still feeling unsettled about the question and my inability to feel comfortable with an answer...
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Love Languages
Sometimes I just need to remember that we speak different love languages and express our feelings in different ways. Just because he doesn't show it the same way I do, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. In fact, he may not even be aware that the reason I do certain things is to show my love for him. Maybe it's all lost in translation.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Judgment
I was talking to a couple of the center supervisors at work the other day. Both are lesbians (which I only mention because it explains her comment). One of them mentioned that a religious couple just bought the house next door to hers. Apparently their van had the name of a church or religious group and she was saying how much it's going to suck having that kind of people for neighbors. I really didn't think much of the statement at the time because I could see why she'd think that and then we quickly moved on to a work-related topic that took my complete focus.
Two or three days later, this same lady approached me and said she needed to apologize for something. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything she had to apologize for, but then she explained it was about what she said when we were talking the other day. Still, no clue. She smiled and said, "When I was talking about my new neighbors, I judged them before meeting them. I don't know anything about them except that they are religious and I had no place to pass judgment. They might be wonderful people."
I told her I hadn't given it a second thought but that I understood the spur of the moment judgments. We often make them because of experiences we've had with people with similar belief systems. I told her that I grew up in pentecostal and non-denominational churches and that I am a Christian and love God, but that I, too, have a hard time with other religious people because I automatically expect them to judge me and that I've even lost Christian "friends" because I enjoy wine. She then explained that she grew up Catholic and was very active in her church through high school and knows that just because someone is religious or believes in God, doesn't mean that they are intolerant, judgmental, holier-than-thou assholes. She genuinely felt bad for her knee-jerk reaction to the new neighbors.
This conversation got me thinking. First, I felt respect for this woman. I don't know many people who would have gone back and apologized for their unfounded judgments. Second, I felt ashamed of myself. How many times I have made similar discriminations? Countless!
We "Christians" are often the worst of the bunch when it comes to judging others. We are taught right and wrong, sin and righteousness, but there are certain sins or lifestyles that seem to be weighted differently than others. We are taught to love and pray for others, but we often lose sight of that and instead, we point fingers and look down our noses at people who struggle with certain sins. We publicly lash out at murderers, rapists, thieves. molestors, alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, homosexuals and democrats. But the church is full of gluttons, liars, cheaters, sloths, covetous people, porn addicts, idol worshipers, domestic abusers and republicans. God didn't list every sin with a rating telling us which is worse. A sin is a sin. Plain and simple. Sin separates us from God. Whether it's lying or murdering, cheating on a spouse or telling a "little white lie" in an interview. We love on those people who are struggling with their food addictions, but we lambaste those who do whatever necessary to feed their meth addiction. We cover up the sexual abuse and addictions in the church while we rebuke homosexuals for their "sexual perversion" when they aren't hurting anyone else with their lifestyle choice.
As much as I pride myself on not judging others, I do. I think it is human nature. We all make assumptions based on outward appearances. Fat. Skinny. Gay. Straight. Rich. Poor. Old. Young. Attractive. Ugly. Color. Ethnicity. Deformed. Disabled. Homeless. Religious. Pierced. Tattooed. Hair style. Facial expression. We form opinions about many people before they've opened their mouth to say a single word. I try to keep my thoughts in check. I pray that God would give me His eyes. I want to see people as He does. I strive to be compassionate and put myself in other people's place. I remind myself of times when I've been unfairly and incorrectly assessed, referenced in a negative light, or even simply misunderstood.
We are called first and foremost to LOVE!!!!! Love the Lord. Love our neighbors. Love ourselves. Love our families. Love our enemies. So why do we spend so much time and energy hating, condemning, criticizing and judging?
Love. Compassion. Charity. That's what it's all about people!
Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." We are instructed not to judge. By doing so, we are sinning and that makes us just as bad as the people we are condemning.
Two or three days later, this same lady approached me and said she needed to apologize for something. I couldn't for the life of me think of anything she had to apologize for, but then she explained it was about what she said when we were talking the other day. Still, no clue. She smiled and said, "When I was talking about my new neighbors, I judged them before meeting them. I don't know anything about them except that they are religious and I had no place to pass judgment. They might be wonderful people."
I told her I hadn't given it a second thought but that I understood the spur of the moment judgments. We often make them because of experiences we've had with people with similar belief systems. I told her that I grew up in pentecostal and non-denominational churches and that I am a Christian and love God, but that I, too, have a hard time with other religious people because I automatically expect them to judge me and that I've even lost Christian "friends" because I enjoy wine. She then explained that she grew up Catholic and was very active in her church through high school and knows that just because someone is religious or believes in God, doesn't mean that they are intolerant, judgmental, holier-than-thou assholes. She genuinely felt bad for her knee-jerk reaction to the new neighbors.
This conversation got me thinking. First, I felt respect for this woman. I don't know many people who would have gone back and apologized for their unfounded judgments. Second, I felt ashamed of myself. How many times I have made similar discriminations? Countless!
We "Christians" are often the worst of the bunch when it comes to judging others. We are taught right and wrong, sin and righteousness, but there are certain sins or lifestyles that seem to be weighted differently than others. We are taught to love and pray for others, but we often lose sight of that and instead, we point fingers and look down our noses at people who struggle with certain sins. We publicly lash out at murderers, rapists, thieves. molestors, alcoholics, drug addicts, prostitutes, homosexuals and democrats. But the church is full of gluttons, liars, cheaters, sloths, covetous people, porn addicts, idol worshipers, domestic abusers and republicans. God didn't list every sin with a rating telling us which is worse. A sin is a sin. Plain and simple. Sin separates us from God. Whether it's lying or murdering, cheating on a spouse or telling a "little white lie" in an interview. We love on those people who are struggling with their food addictions, but we lambaste those who do whatever necessary to feed their meth addiction. We cover up the sexual abuse and addictions in the church while we rebuke homosexuals for their "sexual perversion" when they aren't hurting anyone else with their lifestyle choice.
As much as I pride myself on not judging others, I do. I think it is human nature. We all make assumptions based on outward appearances. Fat. Skinny. Gay. Straight. Rich. Poor. Old. Young. Attractive. Ugly. Color. Ethnicity. Deformed. Disabled. Homeless. Religious. Pierced. Tattooed. Hair style. Facial expression. We form opinions about many people before they've opened their mouth to say a single word. I try to keep my thoughts in check. I pray that God would give me His eyes. I want to see people as He does. I strive to be compassionate and put myself in other people's place. I remind myself of times when I've been unfairly and incorrectly assessed, referenced in a negative light, or even simply misunderstood.
We are called first and foremost to LOVE!!!!! Love the Lord. Love our neighbors. Love ourselves. Love our families. Love our enemies. So why do we spend so much time and energy hating, condemning, criticizing and judging?
Love. Compassion. Charity. That's what it's all about people!
Matthew 7:1-2 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." We are instructed not to judge. By doing so, we are sinning and that makes us just as bad as the people we are condemning.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Undeserved Recognition
About a month ago, Ken picked me up at work for my lunch break and we wen to a local burger joint. He has Thursdays off so he usually comes into town and meets me for lunch and then we have date night that evening. Anyway, this particular day he was all smiles and I could tell something was up. I asked him and he just responded with "It's a secret." Well, I pushed a little more that day, but he wasn't saying anything so I gave up. Over the course of the next couple weeks, I'd catch him with that same goofy look on his face and ask what was up. He'd respond that it was a secret and he couldn't tell me. Well, I played along for a while, but then it just really started to bug me. I do not like secrets. The only time I don't mind them as much is on a special occasion such as birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc.
Early last week I noticed that everyone in my office had a "private appointment" in their Outlook calendar and my boss had called my employee into her office and shut the door. That NEVER happens. I knew something was up. I had remembered seeing emails come through asking for "Employee of the Quarter" nominations a while back, but I had deleted them and couldn't find anything that referenced the date. The more I thought about it, the more I poked around. I mentioned my suspicions to Ken and he was clearly unhappy that I couldn't just let it go and be surprised by whatever the "secret" was. On Tuesday, my boss sent me an appointment to attend the commissioners meeting with her since the taxes were to be discussed. I knew that she was attending a meeting that morning with the commissioners regarding the tax so something didn't seem right. I pulled up the meeting agendas and sure enough - the 2:00 meeting started with the public service awards and I didn't see the taxes listed anywhere.
I called Ken on my lunch break and was actually very upset. For one, I knew he was in on the secret and I wanted to know how they got in touch with him. I don't keep his number anywhere in my office and the thought of them snooping in my personal belongings really lit me up. Aside from that, I was dealing some emotional issues that day. I had pretty much figured out the surprise and I really didn't think I deserved to be nominated for Employee of the Quarter. I was afraid that one of my bosses had nominated me and I was transported back to the days of my youth where I was frequently called a teacher's pet, the spoiled one, the favorite child, etc. As it is, I feel there is a disconnect between myself and most of the people in my department. I've even had a couple people in the office "unfriend" me on facebook, one of whom later told me he thought I was a mole or spy and reported his online activity to management. (Of course I'd never do that - work is work and home life/networking sites/blogs are personal business.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm always pleased when someone acknowledges my hard work and being nominated for an award is very flattering. But I believe that awards should be deserved, not given out based on ones popularity. I did not, do not deserve this award. There are people in my department whose stellar performance may mean the difference between life and death. Those are the people that deserve the awards and public recognition. I tried to explain my position to Ken on the phone and he seemed to get angry with me. I couldn't make him understand how I felt.
Sure enough, when I walked into the commissioners meeting that afternoon, there was Ken. He had been invited and rearranged his work schedule to be able to drive over and show up in support of me. Moments later, the rest of my office and some of the supervisors from the Center walked in too. The meeting was called to order and the first item on the agenda was the award ceremony. They read the name of four nominees who all went up to the front, shook hands with the commissioners, accepted a certificate and posed for a picture. Then the HR guy started reading excerpts from the nomination letter for me. Some of it wasn't even true. I was given credit for things I have no control over. There were several things in the letter that I had forgotten I did or things that didn't seem so weighted in my mind, but there it was. I was nominated for and received the Employee of the Quarter (Q2) for Spokane County. I am now in the running for Employee of the Year. I received a certificate and a $100 gift card to Safeway and the office had a celebration for me afterward. An email with my picture went out to ALL COUNTY and I received "congratulation" emails from many people.
I felt like a fraud. I found some consolation in the fact that it wasn't my supervisors who had nominated me. It was a coworker and he didn't intentionally lie about anything. He thought I was responsible for the one task that I'm not and he got a few other things slightly wrong. He is aware of the volunteer work I do for Union Gospel Mission, Blessings Under the Bridge and that I've participated in several other ministry or charity events because I often solicit help/donations/sponsorships/etc. He divulged that information as answer to the question about how the nominee represents or serves the community. Someone gave me a copy of the actual nomination letter and I was deeply touched. I don't do the things I do for credit. I show up to work, do my job to the best of my ability and go home. I goof off sometimes and am not always on task. I get the job done and I take pride in my work, but I wouldn't say I go the extra mile on a consistent basis. I'm no different than most. I am selfish, complain from time to time, project my bad attitude and wear my bad days on my sleeve. I still feel that the award was undeserved, but I accepted it as gracefully as I could. I got some crap about it from people who think I'm a suck-up or a brown-noser and just tried to let it roll off my back. Some were joking, I know. Others... not so much.
I am flattered and grateful to know that I am appreciated and I know that in the big scheme of things, this isn't that big of a deal. I just feel so undeserving and I just wish someone more deserving was recognized instead.
And as far as Ken goes - I'm lucky to have him. He is so supportive of me and I love that about him. He also did a pretty darn good job of keeping this a secret from me. I'm not happy about that because, again, I do not like secrets. But he impressed my bosses and coworker who nominated me. I'm just glad I could tell something was up with him. I know when he is lying so he knows better than to flat out lie, but I think this "keeping secrets" thing was hard on him. That's a good thing. :)
Early last week I noticed that everyone in my office had a "private appointment" in their Outlook calendar and my boss had called my employee into her office and shut the door. That NEVER happens. I knew something was up. I had remembered seeing emails come through asking for "Employee of the Quarter" nominations a while back, but I had deleted them and couldn't find anything that referenced the date. The more I thought about it, the more I poked around. I mentioned my suspicions to Ken and he was clearly unhappy that I couldn't just let it go and be surprised by whatever the "secret" was. On Tuesday, my boss sent me an appointment to attend the commissioners meeting with her since the taxes were to be discussed. I knew that she was attending a meeting that morning with the commissioners regarding the tax so something didn't seem right. I pulled up the meeting agendas and sure enough - the 2:00 meeting started with the public service awards and I didn't see the taxes listed anywhere.
I called Ken on my lunch break and was actually very upset. For one, I knew he was in on the secret and I wanted to know how they got in touch with him. I don't keep his number anywhere in my office and the thought of them snooping in my personal belongings really lit me up. Aside from that, I was dealing some emotional issues that day. I had pretty much figured out the surprise and I really didn't think I deserved to be nominated for Employee of the Quarter. I was afraid that one of my bosses had nominated me and I was transported back to the days of my youth where I was frequently called a teacher's pet, the spoiled one, the favorite child, etc. As it is, I feel there is a disconnect between myself and most of the people in my department. I've even had a couple people in the office "unfriend" me on facebook, one of whom later told me he thought I was a mole or spy and reported his online activity to management. (Of course I'd never do that - work is work and home life/networking sites/blogs are personal business.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm always pleased when someone acknowledges my hard work and being nominated for an award is very flattering. But I believe that awards should be deserved, not given out based on ones popularity. I did not, do not deserve this award. There are people in my department whose stellar performance may mean the difference between life and death. Those are the people that deserve the awards and public recognition. I tried to explain my position to Ken on the phone and he seemed to get angry with me. I couldn't make him understand how I felt.
Sure enough, when I walked into the commissioners meeting that afternoon, there was Ken. He had been invited and rearranged his work schedule to be able to drive over and show up in support of me. Moments later, the rest of my office and some of the supervisors from the Center walked in too. The meeting was called to order and the first item on the agenda was the award ceremony. They read the name of four nominees who all went up to the front, shook hands with the commissioners, accepted a certificate and posed for a picture. Then the HR guy started reading excerpts from the nomination letter for me. Some of it wasn't even true. I was given credit for things I have no control over. There were several things in the letter that I had forgotten I did or things that didn't seem so weighted in my mind, but there it was. I was nominated for and received the Employee of the Quarter (Q2) for Spokane County. I am now in the running for Employee of the Year. I received a certificate and a $100 gift card to Safeway and the office had a celebration for me afterward. An email with my picture went out to ALL COUNTY and I received "congratulation" emails from many people.
I felt like a fraud. I found some consolation in the fact that it wasn't my supervisors who had nominated me. It was a coworker and he didn't intentionally lie about anything. He thought I was responsible for the one task that I'm not and he got a few other things slightly wrong. He is aware of the volunteer work I do for Union Gospel Mission, Blessings Under the Bridge and that I've participated in several other ministry or charity events because I often solicit help/donations/sponsorships/etc. He divulged that information as answer to the question about how the nominee represents or serves the community. Someone gave me a copy of the actual nomination letter and I was deeply touched. I don't do the things I do for credit. I show up to work, do my job to the best of my ability and go home. I goof off sometimes and am not always on task. I get the job done and I take pride in my work, but I wouldn't say I go the extra mile on a consistent basis. I'm no different than most. I am selfish, complain from time to time, project my bad attitude and wear my bad days on my sleeve. I still feel that the award was undeserved, but I accepted it as gracefully as I could. I got some crap about it from people who think I'm a suck-up or a brown-noser and just tried to let it roll off my back. Some were joking, I know. Others... not so much.
I am flattered and grateful to know that I am appreciated and I know that in the big scheme of things, this isn't that big of a deal. I just feel so undeserving and I just wish someone more deserving was recognized instead.
And as far as Ken goes - I'm lucky to have him. He is so supportive of me and I love that about him. He also did a pretty darn good job of keeping this a secret from me. I'm not happy about that because, again, I do not like secrets. But he impressed my bosses and coworker who nominated me. I'm just glad I could tell something was up with him. I know when he is lying so he knows better than to flat out lie, but I think this "keeping secrets" thing was hard on him. That's a good thing. :)
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Risks
Ken and I floated the river on Sunday and invited a girlfriend and her kids to join us. At the end of the float, near where we park, there is a bridge that has a rope swing tied onto it. The line for the rope swing was very long and I noticed people were jumping off the bridge so I climbed up to have a look. It looked deep and I watched several people jump without incident. So, I jumped. Well, I landed a bit wrong - almost in a sitting position with one leg bent so I have a big, dark, beautiful bruise running up the side/back of my leg from my knee to my butt. And I bruised my tailbone too, so it's been a rough couple of days so far. I can't sit for very long and since I have a desk job, I can't really avoid sitting.
I'm getting a lot of crap for my injury so far. I've been told I'm immature, stupid and crazy to even think about jumping off a bridge. I had one woman tell her son about my injury to disuade him from ever trying such a stunt. Then she was upset when he told her that was on his "bucket list." I want to know where everyone's sense of adventure went? No, I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not a kid. I'm a grown woman who, in their minds, should "know better." Ha! Well the thing is, I really am afraid of heights and afraid of drowning. I also love an adrenaline rush and have a strong belief that we must look our fears in the face - and hopefully have a good time doing it. Yeah, I hurt myself this time. But if I hadn't, it would have been awesome! In fact, it was great anyway. I didn't feel the pain until about half hour later. And I had a blast. If I had it to do over again, knowing the outcome, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I refuse to let fear control my life. I refuse to let it take the joy of adventure away. I refuse to sit on the sidelines of life and envy those who are out there living, playing and having a great time. Risks are meant to be taken. Adventures are meant to be had. Life is meant to be LIVED!
Sometimes I digress. I allow fear to creep in and hold me back - in love, in relationships, in my career, in every aspect of life. But I hate that girl. I've been the scared girl my whole life and I like the adventurous me a whole heck of a lot more. I feel like I've lost her, especially lately, but I think she's had enough of being stifled. Time to start taking more risks, go confidently in the direction of my dreams and live the life I've imagined.
I'm getting a lot of crap for my injury so far. I've been told I'm immature, stupid and crazy to even think about jumping off a bridge. I had one woman tell her son about my injury to disuade him from ever trying such a stunt. Then she was upset when he told her that was on his "bucket list." I want to know where everyone's sense of adventure went? No, I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not a kid. I'm a grown woman who, in their minds, should "know better." Ha! Well the thing is, I really am afraid of heights and afraid of drowning. I also love an adrenaline rush and have a strong belief that we must look our fears in the face - and hopefully have a good time doing it. Yeah, I hurt myself this time. But if I hadn't, it would have been awesome! In fact, it was great anyway. I didn't feel the pain until about half hour later. And I had a blast. If I had it to do over again, knowing the outcome, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
I refuse to let fear control my life. I refuse to let it take the joy of adventure away. I refuse to sit on the sidelines of life and envy those who are out there living, playing and having a great time. Risks are meant to be taken. Adventures are meant to be had. Life is meant to be LIVED!
Sometimes I digress. I allow fear to creep in and hold me back - in love, in relationships, in my career, in every aspect of life. But I hate that girl. I've been the scared girl my whole life and I like the adventurous me a whole heck of a lot more. I feel like I've lost her, especially lately, but I think she's had enough of being stifled. Time to start taking more risks, go confidently in the direction of my dreams and live the life I've imagined.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Vacation Jitters?
Today is officially the start of vacation. I'm excited to see my family and friends in Juneau and I'm nervous for them to meet Ken. Frankly, dad has only ever met two of my boyfriends and he didn't like either one. Granted, I was 17 when he met Chris and 19 when he met Alan, the man I ended up marrying. I'm 32 now and hopefully he has a little more faith in my judgement, instincts & ability to decide for myself what is right. Dad is older too and a lot more mellow these days. I'm sure my brothers couldn't care less who I date. They may make a big show like peacocks with their tail feathers spread and their chests puffed out, but ultimately, I don't think it'll be any big issue. Heather will like him - she likes just about everybody. Litiana will probably think he's pretty typical for me, not like she knows and Siga has already met him.
My mom and my 5 youngest siblings are back in Juneau now and there may be a chance we get to see them. Mom will probably be too caught up in her own drama to care much, but she's never liked any of her children's love interests. Besides, her opinion means nothing to me at this point. And the little ones will love him simply because he's tall. :)
Truth is, I'm very anxious about this trip. In the past, I've experienced anxiety when returning "home" for a visit, but the source of that anxiety was always the possibility of running into the ex and/or his wife. Now, they live in Arizona so the chances of them being up there the same week I am is highly unlikely. I can't really place the source of my anxiety. Maybe it is bringing Ken up there to meet everyone. I've been more excited about that than nervous, but maybe that is the source. It's not that I'm nervous they wont like him. I'm sure they will. Their biggest beef with Alan was that because he was quiet, they interpreted his lack of communication and demeanor to mean that he thought he was better than them. I don't think that was the case, but he was horrible at small talk and maybe he was a bit judgemental at their behaviors. They drink, smoke, get high, party all the time and argue about God and religion in the same breath they cuss someone out. They are a loud, colorful and disrespectful bunch. I think Ken knows enough of the sort that he can handle hangin' with them for a week.
Maybe the source of my anxiety is simply my relationship with Ken. There have been a lot of hints about the future. I've been content to just float for a while, taking it a day at a time. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. I didn't think we'd make it long after he moved to Moses Lake, but thanks to a lot of effort on both our parts, we're still together. Learning to take life as it comes and live one day at a time without stressing about the future took me a long time. Now with thoughts of "the future" ever present, I'm nervous. What if I take him to meet the family and we break up soon after? It would have all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of breaking up with him. I love him. But I am not blind or stupid. I know how difficult I can be to deal with. I'm a yo-yo. One day I feel like we are very close and the next something happens and I feel we are miles away. I know relationships are like that, but it seems the yo-yo-ing is getting more frequent. This period of our growth is very uncomfortable. I wouldn't blame him if he gave up and walked away.
I read a quote the other day. It said something like, "Love is not looking at one another; rather it is looking together in the same direction." That has been eating at me. I'm not entirely sure Ken and I are looking in the same direction and that scares me. So maybe it isn't the trip to Juneau that is making me nervous, but rather, the big unknown tomorrow.
Well, I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go along. Always do. I guess I should probably start packing. We have to drive to Seattle when he gets off work this afternoon and our flight leaves for Juneau tonight. Forecast calls for rain all week, but I really hope the clouds will part and the sun will shine, illuminating the vast, breath-taking beauty of Alaska!
My mom and my 5 youngest siblings are back in Juneau now and there may be a chance we get to see them. Mom will probably be too caught up in her own drama to care much, but she's never liked any of her children's love interests. Besides, her opinion means nothing to me at this point. And the little ones will love him simply because he's tall. :)
Truth is, I'm very anxious about this trip. In the past, I've experienced anxiety when returning "home" for a visit, but the source of that anxiety was always the possibility of running into the ex and/or his wife. Now, they live in Arizona so the chances of them being up there the same week I am is highly unlikely. I can't really place the source of my anxiety. Maybe it is bringing Ken up there to meet everyone. I've been more excited about that than nervous, but maybe that is the source. It's not that I'm nervous they wont like him. I'm sure they will. Their biggest beef with Alan was that because he was quiet, they interpreted his lack of communication and demeanor to mean that he thought he was better than them. I don't think that was the case, but he was horrible at small talk and maybe he was a bit judgemental at their behaviors. They drink, smoke, get high, party all the time and argue about God and religion in the same breath they cuss someone out. They are a loud, colorful and disrespectful bunch. I think Ken knows enough of the sort that he can handle hangin' with them for a week.
Maybe the source of my anxiety is simply my relationship with Ken. There have been a lot of hints about the future. I've been content to just float for a while, taking it a day at a time. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. I didn't think we'd make it long after he moved to Moses Lake, but thanks to a lot of effort on both our parts, we're still together. Learning to take life as it comes and live one day at a time without stressing about the future took me a long time. Now with thoughts of "the future" ever present, I'm nervous. What if I take him to meet the family and we break up soon after? It would have all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of breaking up with him. I love him. But I am not blind or stupid. I know how difficult I can be to deal with. I'm a yo-yo. One day I feel like we are very close and the next something happens and I feel we are miles away. I know relationships are like that, but it seems the yo-yo-ing is getting more frequent. This period of our growth is very uncomfortable. I wouldn't blame him if he gave up and walked away.
I read a quote the other day. It said something like, "Love is not looking at one another; rather it is looking together in the same direction." That has been eating at me. I'm not entirely sure Ken and I are looking in the same direction and that scares me. So maybe it isn't the trip to Juneau that is making me nervous, but rather, the big unknown tomorrow.
Well, I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go along. Always do. I guess I should probably start packing. We have to drive to Seattle when he gets off work this afternoon and our flight leaves for Juneau tonight. Forecast calls for rain all week, but I really hope the clouds will part and the sun will shine, illuminating the vast, breath-taking beauty of Alaska!
Friday, June 18, 2010
Beauty in Darkness
It is not often that I find a work of art that stops me dead in my tracks and takes my breath away. That happened to me a couple weeks ago at Art Fest in Browne's Addition. She has several that I like, but the one that I wanted sold and she didn't have prints... The human body is one of the most amazing and beautiful creations and she does a great job of illustrating that beauty... Check her out: http://carrievielle.blogspot.com/
I held a little baby in my arms today, just over 4 hours old. I LOVE babies! I haven't changed my mind... I don't want one of my own, but holding a precious little life in my arms is an experience that will never grow old. Watching their facial expressions as they sleep, admiring the adorable little button nose and the perfectly shaped tiny red lips, the soft skin, the barely noticeable eyebrows... Hearing the deep breaths and little baby noises... They are so perfect, so innocent, so trusting. It's really too bad that we don't stay that way. This life has a way of contaminating us. It was nice to revel in the presence of perfection for a short while today.
I went to a volunteer orientation at the Union Gospel Mission the other day. I've been serving there for about 5 years now, but the recently started requiring that all volunteers go through this "class." It was interesting to learn the history of the place, but the thing that stuck out to me is the story of the kitchen manager. A childhood filled with abuse, an adolescence riddled with drugs, and adulthood full of unhealthy relationships, prison, divorce, anger and loss. He found hope though. There is a light in his eyes. Everyone has a story. I love volunteering there because it is one of those places where even in the midst of so much darkness, I see love, vulnerability and hope. I see beauty.
I held a little baby in my arms today, just over 4 hours old. I LOVE babies! I haven't changed my mind... I don't want one of my own, but holding a precious little life in my arms is an experience that will never grow old. Watching their facial expressions as they sleep, admiring the adorable little button nose and the perfectly shaped tiny red lips, the soft skin, the barely noticeable eyebrows... Hearing the deep breaths and little baby noises... They are so perfect, so innocent, so trusting. It's really too bad that we don't stay that way. This life has a way of contaminating us. It was nice to revel in the presence of perfection for a short while today.
I went to a volunteer orientation at the Union Gospel Mission the other day. I've been serving there for about 5 years now, but the recently started requiring that all volunteers go through this "class." It was interesting to learn the history of the place, but the thing that stuck out to me is the story of the kitchen manager. A childhood filled with abuse, an adolescence riddled with drugs, and adulthood full of unhealthy relationships, prison, divorce, anger and loss. He found hope though. There is a light in his eyes. Everyone has a story. I love volunteering there because it is one of those places where even in the midst of so much darkness, I see love, vulnerability and hope. I see beauty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)