I contemplated making this a Private Post. Instead, I am asking those who read my journal and know Alan and Melanie personally, to keep this to yourselves. I needed to get this out, but I don't want it getting back to anyone. Thank you for the confidence.
I wrote the last entry earlier this afternoon, but just got a chance to post. Now, I'm having trouble taking my own advice. I struggle with forgiveness and I know it's a daily choice to forgive certain people who have wounded me deeply. Today, especially this evening, I am struggling. A couple days ago, I was talking to my friends mom (she lost her brother and her husband within 12 hours of each other, 2 days before Christmas). After we talked about how she was feeling, I could relate to some of it so she asked me about my ex husband and what happened in our relationship. After I gave her the story, she said that if her husband had ever been unfaithful to her, she would not be able to forgive him - she'd hate him and the girl he was with. I always try to speak kindly of my ex and his new wife (I do have my moments when I need to vent, but I won't drag their names through the mud) and apparently I had said something kind about them. She was astonished and made a comment that I must be a stronger woman than she if I could really forgive them and not harbor any ill will toward them. Don't worry, I didn't let her go on believing I was perfect. I told her it's a daily decision that I make - to forgive and to pray for them. Anyway, she had said that my ex was unlovable - so I thought it interesting that my calendar had that daily quote today. But the fact is, I do love him and forgive him and in all sincerity, I want only good things for him.
Today, my ex-in-laws (ex-laws?) called me. It was the first time I had talked to them since Thanksgiving. We never go more than a month without talking so I knew something was up. Well, it turns out they have been in communication with their son and his wife. More with Melanie than Alan, but that isn't really surprising. Anyways,they said they felt like maybe they should back off with me to allow their relationship with their new daughter-in-law to grow. They are walking on eggshells because Alan hasn't talked to them hardly at all in the last 2 years. The door to communicate is just starting to open and they are afraid that if A&M find out that they are still close to me, that will hinder their relationship and they won't talk to them. With a new grandson on the way, my ex-laws are excited, yet cautious and want more than anything to be a part of his life. First, I want to say that this is an answer to prayer. I am so glad that Alan is talking to his parents, at least a little bit and I respect Melanie for trying to bridge the gap and being willing to allow them into her life. I've been praying that for almost 2 years now. I understand that my ex-laws probably feel torn to some degree. They do still love me, but their loyalties should be with their son and his family.
I would be lying if I said that I was 100% happy about all of this. They are developing a relationship with someone that I still have to CHOOSE to forgive EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. I am being replaced - again. I was replaced as a lover, a wife, a best friend and now as a daughter. I am jealous. I am sad. I am afraid that they will continue to distance themselves from me and I will lose a family that I love as my own. I would understand if they did, but I have gotten used to having them all to myself the last 2 years. They have supported me and loved me and prayed for me just as they always did when I was married to their son. I feel awkward now. I feel so sad. Maybe Brandon was right when he told me that it was unhealthy to keep them in my life for so long and to lean on them. Because now, I am experiencing feelings of loss and rejection all over again.
I am happy that they are communicating now - this truly is an answer to my prayers. But I hurt inside. I don't want to care. I want to feel numb.
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