Better Man

"You make me want to be a better man." "You've made me a better man." "I'm a better person when I'm with you (or because of you)."

Several men in my past have made similar comments. They've explained that by hanging around me, they are inspired to better themselves or to be better versions of themselves. Some of them went so far as to give up certain vices; some started volunteering or donating to charity organizations; some started going to church, living their faith and seeking a deeper relationship with God. Most of them began making positive changes in their lives. The first time I heard such a statement, I was deeply flattered and thought it was the best compliment I could have been paid. However, over time, the positive changes most of them made, have been reversed. They were temporary. Maybe they were inspired at that time and truly desired a lifestyle change. Maybe they were trying to impress me and change into the person they thought I wanted them to be. But regardless of their intentions, their long term actions did not support their statement.

I've heard a similar statement a few times in my present relationship. I know that he genuinely believes what he is saying. He has even made one significant change that I am aware of, but he is still very much the person I met in the beginning. Are there things about him I wish were different? YES! But I love him for WHO he is, in spite of what I consider to be his flaws. Lord knows I have more than my fair share!

If I'm with a man, I am with him because I like the man he is, not because I like the man he has the potential to be. Sure, I hope to be a good influence on all of the people I surround myself with, just as I hope they are good influences on me. I will encourage them, I will tell them when I am proud of them and I will communicate when they hurt me with their actions or life choices. But I do not choose to be with someone so that I can potentially help fix him or change him into something that he is not.

Precious few people in my life have ever made me want to strive to be a better woman (in fact, a few of them had the complete opposite affect on me). On the flip side of that statement, I do know that I am a better person for having known certain people. I make my own choices though, regardless of who is in my life. I choose to live my life to the best of my ability. I want the man in my life to encourage me, to see my potential and push me to set goals and reach them, but love me for who I am today. When I do something that hurts or bothers him in any way, I want him to communicate that to me. I want to better myself, but I want to do so FOR ME... to enrich my own life, subsequently enriching the lives of everyone who is or ever will be in my life, but NOT because I seek approval from a man.

All of that being said, these types of statements now grate on my nerves. I'm at the point where I don't want to know that someone thinks that. I want them to make healthy choices and positive changes because THEY want to better themselves, not because they want to impress me or because they think that is what I want. If someone changes FOR someone else, it's only a matter of time, before they fall back into their old ways - leading to even further disappointment. Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell me that I make you want to be a better man. Just choose to be a better man! When my guy chooses to make positive changes, I am there to support and encourage him, but only time will tell if there has been a genuine transformation.

I know that as relationships evolve, there are adjustments, compromises and a meshing together of two personalities. People become like who they associate with and ideally they change for the better. I'm just at the point where I don't want to HEAR it, I want to SEE it.

I am fortunate to have a good man. And I love him just as he is.