Meat & Potatoes

Conversations lately have left me feeling validated, satisfied and encouraged. No surface bullshit, but real stuff. Substantial. Meat and potatoes... Not all pleasant, mind you... but all REAL.

Not Okay

Back from Juneau. Did NOT run into the ex. Purposely avoided the one party I knew he'd attend - more because I wanted to spare the rest of the attendees and the guest of honor unnecessary awkwardness, than because of my own feelings. Weird, but I kind of wish I would have run into him. I think because I'm curious how I would have reacted. I still hold on to this hope that some day we'll talk again and genuinely be happy for the good things in each other's lives.

It was good to see the family. My newest nephew is so adorable! And the rest of my nephews and my niece are all growing so big. They are beautiful kids. I miss my family a ton, but there was, of course, family drama and it exhausted me. All the job offers and pressure to move back were flattering, but exhausting as well.

A few conversations have left me very contemplative and introspective. I will save those for when I've had a chance to make some sense of them in my own mind and heart.

Something is wrong with me... deep down. I'm not sure exactly what. it is, but I'm not okay and I can't seem to hide it. Even with a smile on my lips, my eyes never lie and those who actually have taken the time to look at me today have noticed. Nothing has helped today - not coffee with a man who adores me, not lunch with my 3 favorite women, not even a good hard run on the treadmill...

Maybe it's time to do a little reading / meditating and then go to sleep.

It's Independence Day!

May we celebrate not just our country's freedom, but also our personal freedoms as well.
Be Free! Live! Soar!

High

I took Amanda skydiving on Saturday for her birthday and our friend Nate came along too. I should have known that once we arrived, I wouldn't be able to say no to the temptation of jumping myself. My second skydive and I can't wait to do it again. I need a second job to support my new habit... maybe I'll go to the school and get certified.
My head is all screwed up lately...

I'm going home in 11 days for a little over a week. It'll be good to see the family...

Thank you.

To the people in my world who have had an unforgetable impact on my life...

Interesting how our natural tendency, when we feel alone, misunderstood or undeserving, is to withdraw even further from those who have been placed in our lives for friendship, support and encouragement. We are called to bear one another's burdens, so fulfilling the law of Christ (Galations 6:2). We are not meant to walk through the valleys of life alone. Every day I hear people make excuses for not going to church – the most common being that you don't have to go to church to be a Christian. That's true. Being in a church building doesn't make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car! But that isn't what it's about. It's not about an obligation or ritual – it's about surrounding yourself with other people on the same journey. It's about coming alongside each other, encouraging and building each other up. It's about lending a hand to those who have fallen or are stuck, giving a boost to those who are trying to overcome a hurdle, or just grabbing their hand as you walk next to them, showing them they are not alone. It's also about reaching out when you are the one stuck in the muck or climbing that mountain. It's a place of worship, peace and sanctuary and ultimately, a place where our little flames join together to provide warmth and illumination for those in this dark, cold world.


I'm so good at distancing myself when things are tough, making every excuse in the book why I don't want or need to surround myself with other believers, but the Word says that as iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17). It also instructs us not to forsake meeting together with other believers, but to encourage each other even more as we see the Day approaching. So, for all of you in my life who have taken care of me, lifted me, pushed me onward, walked alongside me in silent support, loved me, encouraged me, prayed for me, instructed me… Thank You! Thank you for not letting go; for not letting me slip through the cracks or sink in the quicksand, but for reaching out and grabbing me and bringing me back. Thank you for not allowing me to go through the dark hours alone, but for allowing God's light to shine through you to light the way for me. For all of you who have rescued me in some way at some time, I am eternally grateful to you and I hope I am able to return the favor, if ever needed.

Juggling

I don't even know where to start or what to say, but I feel all bottled up and ready to explode and I need an outlet. I have a million thoughts running through my head and I haven't had a chance to just get them out and sort through them. Yuck!

And I'm so tired. Work is crazy for me this week and tomorrow I'm volunteering with Habitat for Humanity at 7:30 AM after a 6:30 AM breakfast. I have a morning shift at Habitat, then have to go to the office and take care of last minute plans for the Investor Update Meeting on Friday. I can't work late tomorrow because I'm taking John and his 3 kids to dinner for his birthday. Something tells me that will be draining. Friday, I've got to be in Coeur d'Alene by 7:15 AM to make sure all is set up and ready for the big meeting.

I feel like I'm juggling so much right now - at work and in my personal life - and I'm afraid I'm going to drop something.

I've let my guard down a little too far and I'm paying for it emotionally.

I need some time on the road - alone, this time.

Captured

Funny how the captured heart feels so free. Yet the heart that is let go feels imprisoned in a dark, cold and lonely place.