Back from Juneau. Did NOT run into the ex. Purposely avoided the one party I knew he'd attend - more because I wanted to spare the rest of the attendees and the guest of honor unnecessary awkwardness, than because of my own feelings. Weird, but I kind of wish I would have run into him. I think because I'm curious how I would have reacted. I still hold on to this hope that some day we'll talk again and genuinely be happy for the good things in each other's lives.
It was good to see the family. My newest nephew is so adorable! And the rest of my nephews and my niece are all growing so big. They are beautiful kids. I miss my family a ton, but there was, of course, family drama and it exhausted me. All the job offers and pressure to move back were flattering, but exhausting as well.
A few conversations have left me very contemplative and introspective. I will save those for when I've had a chance to make some sense of them in my own mind and heart.
Something is wrong with me... deep down. I'm not sure exactly what. it is, but I'm not okay and I can't seem to hide it. Even with a smile on my lips, my eyes never lie and those who actually have taken the time to look at me today have noticed. Nothing has helped today - not coffee with a man who adores me, not lunch with my 3 favorite women, not even a good hard run on the treadmill...
Maybe it's time to do a little reading / meditating and then go to sleep.
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