Fighting... Losing

It's been a rough year. One filled with countless lessons in humility, close calls, unfaithfulness to my Lord, discontentment, depression, anxiety, restlessness, hopelessness and financial distress. In fact, just a few short weeks ago, I found myself wishing the Lord would just take me home. Why does he always have to save me in those close calls? Why couldn't I have fallen off that cliff or been hit by that car that ran a red light and came within an inch of mine? I feel like everything I touch crumbles, I fail at everything I try and I hurt those I love the most. I'm a hypocrite and fraud. I've been angry at myself more than anything else and have felt unworthy of any good thing. I've felt so indescribably low, in utter despair, completely alone and lacking the will to go on.

Yet, I do go on. I told a friend the other day that I'm fighting the fight, and losing. But that truly is a step above where I've been. At least I'm fighting. I was starting to think I didn't have any fight left in me.

I never thought I'd make it to 30. Always thought I would die young. I know that sounds morbid, but it's the truth. I've had a lot of close calls in my short life, and they seem to have multiplied significantly over the last few years, thus encouraging that thought process. However, I am still here. And I have to believe that there is a reason. I tell people all the time that every morning that they wake up, every breath the Lord grants them, it's because they still have a purpose on this earth. I have to believe that for myself. I just wish I knew what that purpose is. The Bible says that where there is lack of vision, the people perish. That rings true for me. When I feel like I am not serving a purpose and I don't have a vision or goals for my life, I feel lost and empty and that sets me on a downward spiral.

I should never allow myself to get to the point I've been in recent weeks - the point where I've lost all hope. I have allowed myself to become empty, trying unsuccessfully to fill the void in my life with things that just leave me feeling more unsatisfied at the end of the day. Why is it so easy to encourage other people, instill hope and believe the promises that God has given them? Yet, I doubt God in my own life - even though He has proven Himself time and time again. It makes no sense.

Well, I could keep writing, but I have to get some work done. I am hoping to get some time this weekend to decompress a little. My goal for to day is to simply remember to be thankful - to redirect my focus to all that I have been blessed with and have a heart of gratitude.