Social Anxiety

Confident. Strong. Fearless Free-spirited. Self-assured. Outgoing. Friendly. Approachable. Social butterfly.

These are words that are often used to describe me. It's not just friends or people I've known a long time that see me this way. It's also complete strangers and people I hardly know.

I was recently invited to attend a 30th birthday party for a gal I met through a mutual friend a little over a year ago. Over the course of the past year, we've discovered that we have a couple other mutual friends and I've had the opportunity to meet quite a few people in her circle. A few of these people are a lot of fun and have welcomed me with open arms. After debating whether or not to attend this "Black & White" party, I finally decided to go, threw on the only black dress I own and pulled into the parking lot of the restaurant right on time.
Before my hand even reached the key in the ignition, I was overcome with
anxiety. All these thoughts flooded my mind. I'm too fat. I'm probably overdressed. This dress is too low cut. What if I don't have anyone to talk to? I'm not interesting enough. No one will like me. I'm an outsider. I don't belong at this party. I know L & S, but they will probably be too busy with their other friends to talk. My hair isn't cooperating. I should just leave.

I quietly scolded myself for these ridiculous thoughts and reasoned that this fear was totally irrational. These were wonderful people that I've always had a great time with and the few that I know well love me for who I am, not what I look like. And as for the rest of them, who cares what they think? I meet people every day and some like me and some don't and I usually don't let it affect me either way.

I sat in my car for probably 15 minutes arguing with myself. I even started the car a few times and put it in reverse, only to put it in park again and chide myself for this ridiculous behavior. But I couldn't bring myself to open the door. As I was dealing with this internal struggle, I watched as other party guests arrived and walked inside. Some were dressed very casual, only affirming my fear that I
would be overdressed. But then there were others who were dressed much nicer than I, making me feel like I was underdressed or not classy enough. I finally refused to continue the battle with my fear and decided that if I left, regardless of the many excuses I could get away with, I would always know that my fear won. That simply wasn't an option. I opened the door and walked in. Immediately, I was greeted with warm smiles, hugs and tons of compliments. I was introduced to people I hadn't met and ran into a few I had. A few even walked up and introduced themselves to me and spent much of the evening by my side.

People don't believe me when I tell them I suffer from social anxiety or that I'm really a shy person. I can't tell you how many times this sort of thing has happened to me though. And it's not only when I'm attending an event with people I don't know well. Heck, a few years back I went through the same thing in a parking lot outside of a coffee shop where a musician friend of mine was playing a small show. I knew at least half the people there, but still, the fear set in and I had to fight it all night.

Like I said, it's a completely irrational and unfounded fear. I know that in my head, but in those moments, it overwhelms me and I just want to run. Even the times that I stand up to it and force myself to walk in and talk to people, someone will always comment on my confidence. If they only knew...

I guess it just goes to show that what we see in someone isn't necessarily truth. Our perception of others is often inaccurate. Don't judge a book by its cover. You never know what someone is dealing with on the inside. We all deal with fear, feelings of inadequacy and question our self-worth. We all want to be loved, desired and accepted.

So, to all of my friends - thank you for your acceptance. It probably shouldn't matter to me so much and you may not even think I care, but obviously it does matter and I do care - probably too much.

I can already feel the next battle beginning. I've got to go buy a swimsuit and talk myself into a camping/boating/floating trip in a couple weeks and I'm already feeling nervous. Not to mention tonight - a BBQ at a fellow Couch Surfer's house for all the local CS members and I won't know a soul. I'm looking forward to it... but with butterflies in my stomach.