Enough

Is it wrong to want to feel like I'm enough?
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.

Value

I've written in the past about confidence, but I've been finding it increasingly difficult lately to take my own words of advice. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my own sense of self worth.

I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.

It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.

I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.

I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

You are priceless!

Good Fortune & Favor

The streak continues. I've been offered every job for which I've interviewed (unless I withdrew interest first).

Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.

Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...

There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.

Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.

Tell Her

Know what bugs me? It kinda falls under the "when it rains it pours" category. I think it's interesting how I seem to go through these strange cycles with men in my past. I wont hear from any of them in months and then out of the blue, I'll hear from 4 or 5 of them over the course of a couple days. Now, these are not all men I've actually dated, but they are men who have pursued me and then settled for friendship when that is all I was willing or able to offer. Six have contacted me just since Saturday.

This evening at poker, I ran into a man I met last year on St. Patrick's day. We hung out a few times, but I told him up front I wasn't interested in a relationship. We chatted very briefly tonight, but then after I got home he sent me a text telling me that I was honestly the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, much less known.

The man I'm currently seeing is absolutely wonderful, but he doesn't compliment me often. And I've never been one to need words of affirmation... but lately they've been few and far between and it's just nice to actually HEAR someone say what they think. Why don't men understand that? Saying something once isn't enough to hold us over.

Guys - if you think your gal is beautiful, TELL HER. If you think she is smart, TELL HER. If you think she is good at something, TELL HER. If she turns you on, TELL HER. Make love to her mind... and not just once... and not just until you've snagged her... TELL HER as often as you think it.

Gals - keep doing the same.

Purpose

I'm discontent. Some things are going well in my life and some, not so much. Is not that I'm not thankful for the good in my life - because, really, I am. I have wonderful friends, a guy who is probably the nicest guy I've ever dated, family who love me and support me and have more confidence in me than I have in myself...

I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.

How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.

More later.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Hallmark Holiday and for the single folks out there, Happy Single Awareness Day. Ken hates V-day, but planned an evening in for the two of us - he's making dinner, building a fire and promises to get me tipsy (although I'm supposed to bring what I want to drink and he hates wine - even the taste of it on my lips - so I'm not sure about the tipsy thing). I decided to bake a cake for desert. I haven't baked a cake in probably 4 or 5 years and my oven is probably 50 years old. I'm not sure if that is why the cake rose unevenly. It's higher in the center than around the edges. Oh well - it wont look pretty, but hopefully it tastes good. It's a Better-Than-Sex cake... figured it was appropriate for the lover's holiday. ;-)

I filed my taxes today. I get a pretty decent refund so I'm happy about that. It's enough to pay my bills for one month.

My upstairs neighbor is listening to music or a movie or something loud and with the bass turned up. Today, it is annoying me more than usual.

Still no job. Went to a networking event Thursday night and met quite a few people who work at WTB. KL's husband Mike kept telling them all that I applied for a job their and a few of them said they'd put in a good word with the hiring manager. One guy (from a different company) called Mike the next day and asked for my number. Thankfully, he told the guy I am seeing someone. Flattering, nonetheless. The County job sent me in for a skills test on Friday and I got a 95% or better on all of the tests... but my typing score was slower than usual.

My apartment is a mess. Half my house is on the floor and I have no energy to deal with it. I hate house work. I don't mind the kitchen and bathroom, but I hate cleaning my room and doing laundry.

Well - that's all for now. I actually sat down to write and clear my head but I can't think with the blaring noise right above my head!!!

Job Hunt Update

Still unemployed. I got a call at 10:20 yesterday morning for an interview at 11:30am. I was up at Ken's house when the call came in so I had to rush home, find some interview-appropriate clothes to wear and get out to the valley in an hour. I actually really liked the office and the people I met. It's funny - I can almost always tell when they want to hire me. I absolutely love interviewing. Call me crazy, but it's gotta be the years of experience on the other side of the interview table as either the hiring manager or the human resource representative. And I think having that experience always makes my interviewers just a little nervous.

The interview went very well and in closing, they both got really serious, and started fidgeting. The head of the company looked at me and said, "Now that we know we really want you, we're afraid we wont be able to afford you. What are your salary expectations?" I told them that ideally, I'd be making what I was at my previous job, but that realistically, I'd be willing to drop down no more than $2 or $3 an hour. Unfortunately, they were hoping to pay someone about $12/hour and that is just far less than I'm willing to settle for. It's too bad really. They marketed the position as an Office Manager and the job description is consistent with that title, however, because the incumbent sits at the front desk, they want to pay a clerical/receptionist salary. It feels great to be wanted so much and it was the boost in confidence that I need. But, I wish companies realized that you get what you pay for. If you want a quality, trustworthy, dependable, hard worker who will stick around and continue to take on more, you gotta give them reason to stay. They've had a lot of turnover in this position and I'm not surprised. They simply don't pay enough for the duties assigned to the position. Sounds like a great office and I was a bit disappointed, but with the flexibility they require (working late evenings and some weekends with minimal notice), I wouldn't even be able to get a second job. Oh well... NEXT!

Yesterday afternoon, as I was sitting out in front of an elementary school waiting to pick up my friends kids (she's on bed rest and her husband was out of town), I got a call from the hiring manager for a position I applied for at Washington Trust Bank. She had "a couple questions" for me, but it turned out to be an initial screening phone interview. Um, I wasn't really prepared for that as I was sitting there watching for KL's kids. I told her that if I seemed a bit distracted, that was the reason and she didn't even offer to call at a more convenient time. Oh well... I guess I'll know next week if I move on to the interview round. As much as I love interviews, phone interviews are not nearly as fun.

Still applying for lots of jobs, but the market is difficult. The guy I interviewed with yesterday said they ran their ad for one day only and had nearly 120 applicants. There is a lot of competition out there and I certainly don't envy companies who are trying to fill positions. On the up side, there are a lot of quality people out there to choose from, but on the down side, it really is a lot of work reviewing applicants and deciding who to interview, conducting all those interviews and then closing out the recruitment, sending letters, etc.

I'm trying to remain calm and trust that I'll find something, but I'm worried I may end up having to settle. I heard on the news the other day that over 300 Million Americans have been laid off in the last year. Daily I hear about another company going under and laying off hundreds and sometimes even thousands of employees. A friend in the Seattle area told me yesterday that his company just announced 10,000 layoffs nation-wide. I've been to the WorkSource office twice and both times, found myself in the midst of such a diverse crowd of displaced workers (from entry level to business executives who are used to a 6-figure salary), waiting for computers, classes, fax machines, resources or other assistance. It breaks my heart. Some of these people have been out of work for 6 months! I don't even know how they live on their measly unemployment checks for that long. Many of these people have families to provide for, mortgages, debt, kids in college, etc. I'm blessed that I don't have those things. I have a substantial amount of debt, but it's just me and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment. A good friend of mine filed for bankruptcy last week. I have kicked around the idea of doing the same. Without the monthly payments on my debt, I'd actually be able to afford to take a lower paying job.

The other day, I half-jokingly said I was going to get a sharpie and some cardboard and go find a busy intersection to stand and try my luck at panhandling. The very next day as I was driving to the library, I saw a man with a cardboard sign that said "Laid off. 2 Kids at home. Short on rent money." It was sobering... I'm blessed that I have such a wonderful group of friends here that have offered whatever assistance I need, from a place to stay rent free until I find something to monetary loans. Some people really are not so lucky. It breaks my heart.