Emotional day. I have been hurt and betrayed. My trust broken. I've been crying most of the evening and my eyes are tired, my heart aches.
It's funny the different emotions we can go through in a single day. To go from being happy to being enraged, to just feeling hurt and sad, to being hopeful again.
I confronted the source of the betrayal and said my piece. I got it off my chest and heard them out. I know that there is genuine sorrow and regret on their end. How can I not forgive? "Hurt people, hurt people." Translation: People who are hurting often tend to lash out and hurt other people. I heard once that only the people you love can really hurt you emotionally. If it were someone I didn't love, I wouldn't care what they did or said or thought. Maybe that's true, but at any rate, I do love these people - very much.
Trust is lost, but the funny thing about trust is that it can always be earned back. I will tread carefully, but I am hopeful that this very unpleasant situation will provide an opportunity for growth - for everyone involved.
I forgive. It doesn't take away the pain of being betrayed, but that will subside with time. I am reminded of all that Christ has forgiven me for. Who am I to withhold forgiveness from someone else.
I've tried to do some damage control and speak the truth, but it's up to them if they will believe the incorrect information or the truth. There is nothing I can do about it. I guess it doesn't matter in the big scheme of things. The past is the past. Tomorrow is a new day.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Quick Update
I went to Juneau for my 10 year class reunion and just to be around family. I was able to see Toby's family briefly and am amazed at their attitudes in light of losing him. I know it's tough for them emotionally. They are sad because they miss him, but they take comfort in the knowledge that he is with the Lord and that he fulfilled his purpose on this earth. His life is a great testimony to all that knew him an example of how each of us should live. The reunion was okay. It was good to see some of the people there and get to know some of the others that I never really knew. I was also able to spend a lot of time with a long time friend and get to know him in a different light. Funny how you can know someone for over 10 years and not really ever KNOW them. Overall, it was a good trip back. Actually, it was the best trip back since my divorce. I was able to keep my emotions in check and even though there were lots of reminders of my former life that made me sad, those feelings werent as intense. I was able to push past them and just enjoy the time with my family. It also helped that I didnt see him while I was there.
I got a couple of job offers while I was there one that was actually very tempting. I miss the money I used to make and I miss a lot of the work but I dont miss Juneau and I dont miss the stress. If only my office had a seasonal position for 8 or 9 months a year I'd take a seasonal position in Juneau for the summers Well, maybe not, but it would be fun for at least a year.
Speaking of work, I finally had my review at work last week and it went well. They recognize that I am overqualified for my position (their words, not mine) and that they are not working me to my potential. Hopefully that will start to change. It's nice to know that hard work and experience mean something to someone in the company. All too often, gossip, negativity and ass-kissing are rewarded. It's not about what you know or what you can do, it's about sucking up to the right people even if you turn around and badmouth them as soon as you walk out of the office. I know that is the case in some work environments in fact, I've witnessed that in many offices I've worked in. I'm fortunate to work here though, especially in the department that I do because I'm the only female there is none of that cattiness, backbiting or drama in our section and I actually genuinely like the guys I work with.
So, I just got an email asking me if I would photograph my friends daughters wedding next month in Juneau if they bought my ticket up. Im flattered! But that is a lot of pressure. I've never done a wedding before and its not like you can just do it over if they arent happy with the pictures. I know they want to save money which is why they asked me instead of a professional, but they have a lot of confidence in my work. I'll have to check the dates and really think about it. I did mention it to a friend of mine who is a photographer up there and he said if I did it, hed shoot it with me for free and give me some tips and all. It would be a great learning experience for me and having his photos on top of mine that would be awesome for the family. Hmmm... What to do??
I got a couple of job offers while I was there one that was actually very tempting. I miss the money I used to make and I miss a lot of the work but I dont miss Juneau and I dont miss the stress. If only my office had a seasonal position for 8 or 9 months a year I'd take a seasonal position in Juneau for the summers Well, maybe not, but it would be fun for at least a year.
Speaking of work, I finally had my review at work last week and it went well. They recognize that I am overqualified for my position (their words, not mine) and that they are not working me to my potential. Hopefully that will start to change. It's nice to know that hard work and experience mean something to someone in the company. All too often, gossip, negativity and ass-kissing are rewarded. It's not about what you know or what you can do, it's about sucking up to the right people even if you turn around and badmouth them as soon as you walk out of the office. I know that is the case in some work environments in fact, I've witnessed that in many offices I've worked in. I'm fortunate to work here though, especially in the department that I do because I'm the only female there is none of that cattiness, backbiting or drama in our section and I actually genuinely like the guys I work with.
So, I just got an email asking me if I would photograph my friends daughters wedding next month in Juneau if they bought my ticket up. Im flattered! But that is a lot of pressure. I've never done a wedding before and its not like you can just do it over if they arent happy with the pictures. I know they want to save money which is why they asked me instead of a professional, but they have a lot of confidence in my work. I'll have to check the dates and really think about it. I did mention it to a friend of mine who is a photographer up there and he said if I did it, hed shoot it with me for free and give me some tips and all. It would be a great learning experience for me and having his photos on top of mine that would be awesome for the family. Hmmm... What to do??
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Loss
I got the news yesterday that a very dear friend of mine from Juneau died last night in a fishing accident. We met in the 7th grade at Juneau Christian School. He quickly became a great friend. He was my first crush after moving to Juneau... He asked me to my junior prom and I turned him down to go with another friend of mine who ended up ditching me to go get drunk and stoned, so Toby hung out with me.... We went to the same church for many years... I know he is with the Lord right now, but I am devastated. He just got married less than 6 months ago. He was an avid outdoors-man, hunter, fisherman, etc. So full of life.....
Former Juneau resident perishes in Thorne River
A former Juneau resident died in a fishing accident on Prince of Wales Island Tuesday.
Greg Wilkinson of the Alaska State Troopers says they were notified at about 6 p.m. of a drowning in the Thorne River at Thorne Bay.
He says responding Troopers learned that 28 year old Toby Coate attempted to cross the river to stretch a net for subsistence fishing.
He became tired in the cold water and lost hold of the net. Wilkinson says he went under, came up once, but went under again and did not resurface.
People on the shore went in to the river, found him, and pulled him to shore.
Emergency medical technicians who were called to the scene attempted to resuscitate him without success.
He was pronounced deceased at about 6:45.
Coate is the son of Ken and Barbara Coate of Juneau. He has two sisters, Amanda and Katy, who also reside in Juneau.
He was married earlier this year.
Coate and his wife Emily decided to reside in Thorne Bay. They had partnered with a local mill to start a new company called Goose Creek Log Cabins.
Coate attended the University of Alaska Southeast in Juneau and at one time was the student body president.
He studied Marine Biology.
Please keep his family in your prayers.
Former Juneau resident perishes in Thorne River
A former Juneau resident died in a fishing accident on Prince of Wales Island Tuesday.
Greg Wilkinson of the Alaska State Troopers says they were notified at about 6 p.m. of a drowning in the Thorne River at Thorne Bay.
He says responding Troopers learned that 28 year old Toby Coate attempted to cross the river to stretch a net for subsistence fishing.
He became tired in the cold water and lost hold of the net. Wilkinson says he went under, came up once, but went under again and did not resurface.
People on the shore went in to the river, found him, and pulled him to shore.
Emergency medical technicians who were called to the scene attempted to resuscitate him without success.
He was pronounced deceased at about 6:45.
Coate is the son of Ken and Barbara Coate of Juneau. He has two sisters, Amanda and Katy, who also reside in Juneau.
He was married earlier this year.
Coate and his wife Emily decided to reside in Thorne Bay. They had partnered with a local mill to start a new company called Goose Creek Log Cabins.
Coate attended the University of Alaska Southeast in Juneau and at one time was the student body president.
He studied Marine Biology.
Please keep his family in your prayers.
Friday, June 16, 2006
I Heard! Thanks!
So, the ex and his wife just welcomed their child into the world a week ago today. The announcement was just posted in the Juneau Empire today and all of the sudden everyone is worried about me and asking if I've seen it.
Yes, I was informed. I have seen the announcement and I am okay with the news. After all, I've had 9 months to prepare myself for it. I'm sure Alan will be a great father. I am happy for his family as they could use a little bundle of joy to brighten their worlds in light of a recent tragedy in the family. For my friends who pray - please continue to keep that family in your prayers.
It's not like I have no emotion about it at all - of course I do - but I'm not devastated or anything like that. In fact, the only thing that hit a nerve was the baby's name - and that only because it was the name we always talked about... the name he always wanted if he ever had a kid, but it's his family's name so there you have it. We never had a child (thank God) and now he does and I'm glad he chose to honor his family by choosing that name.
Alright - so now that that is taken care of... I'm going to a Hank Williams III concert tonight. I think it's gonna be a great show - even if I do end up going alone. I have a potential date for the show (no - not a guy date - a friend date), but if she cancels last minute then alone I shall go. ;o)
Yes, I was informed. I have seen the announcement and I am okay with the news. After all, I've had 9 months to prepare myself for it. I'm sure Alan will be a great father. I am happy for his family as they could use a little bundle of joy to brighten their worlds in light of a recent tragedy in the family. For my friends who pray - please continue to keep that family in your prayers.
It's not like I have no emotion about it at all - of course I do - but I'm not devastated or anything like that. In fact, the only thing that hit a nerve was the baby's name - and that only because it was the name we always talked about... the name he always wanted if he ever had a kid, but it's his family's name so there you have it. We never had a child (thank God) and now he does and I'm glad he chose to honor his family by choosing that name.
Alright - so now that that is taken care of... I'm going to a Hank Williams III concert tonight. I think it's gonna be a great show - even if I do end up going alone. I have a potential date for the show (no - not a guy date - a friend date), but if she cancels last minute then alone I shall go. ;o)
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Anxiety
I have been having these crazy anxiety attacks lately - especially when I'm about to walk into a room that I know is full of people. I used to be a very shy person, but ever since my divorce, I've really been able to step out and be a lot more outgoing. In fact, most of the friends that I have here are people that I have met in the last 2 years. The ability to meet people and make friends is one of the things that I like about myself... So, why, all of a sudden, am I dealing with anxiety around people?! Frustrating. It's irrational.
I haven't written much lately, but reading back through a few of my most recent posts, I feel like I've come a long way. I'm frustrated with a few circumstances in my life, but I'm really doing okay...
Well, gotta get to church! Those of you who are praying for me - please continue to do so. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need it. Praise God!
I haven't written much lately, but reading back through a few of my most recent posts, I feel like I've come a long way. I'm frustrated with a few circumstances in my life, but I'm really doing okay...
Well, gotta get to church! Those of you who are praying for me - please continue to do so. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY need it. Praise God!
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Two Years
Today, March 23rd, 2006, I have been divorced for exactly 2 years. I have conflicting feelings about that right now. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I feel like I should be better, totally over him and healed by now. But it still hurts. Not as intensly and not as often, but the pain is still there. I still think about him every day. Many days I still miss him - miss my friend, my confidant, my lover, my cuddle-buddy, my travel partner...
Some days I am so grateful for my freedom and feel like I've accepted my losses. I know that there is life after divorce and I am LIVING it!!! I even sometimes feel sorry for my friends who are married and have kids because their lives are not their own. They have to answer to someone and their every move affects someone else. Not so with me...
I haven't cried today. I haven't had time to reflect or be sad because I've been so busy up until this moment. Off to Bible Study now. Hopefully I can keep my emotions under control tonight.
Some days I am so grateful for my freedom and feel like I've accepted my losses. I know that there is life after divorce and I am LIVING it!!! I even sometimes feel sorry for my friends who are married and have kids because their lives are not their own. They have to answer to someone and their every move affects someone else. Not so with me...
I haven't cried today. I haven't had time to reflect or be sad because I've been so busy up until this moment. Off to Bible Study now. Hopefully I can keep my emotions under control tonight.
My Eyes Are Dry
My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me
But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood
~ ~Keith Green's Lyrics from "My Eyes Are Dry"
My sister posted this in her blog and it touched me deeply. I haven't heard this song in years, but it seems to accurately describe how I feel right now. I know it's gotta be because of sin in my life - it's the only thing that separates me from my Lord and I feel so far away from Him right now.
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me
But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood
~ ~Keith Green's Lyrics from "My Eyes Are Dry"
My sister posted this in her blog and it touched me deeply. I haven't heard this song in years, but it seems to accurately describe how I feel right now. I know it's gotta be because of sin in my life - it's the only thing that separates me from my Lord and I feel so far away from Him right now.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)