I've read a few quotes lately that have stuck in my head...
It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.
- Frederick Douglass, 1817 - 1895
(I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this quote)
No man means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.
- Henry Brooks Adams, 1838 - 1918
It seems to me that the soul, when alone with itself and speaking to itself, uses only a small number of words, none of them extraordinary.
- Paul Ambroise Valéry, 1871 - 1945
And on that note, I'll just say that I'm tired and lonely and as much as I don't want company, I don't want to spend tonight alone.
And to all a good night.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
One Long Year
Wow! Hard to believe it's only been a year since "the incident." Most days it feels like a lifetime ago and it still feels like it was just a dream... or more like something someone told me but I didn't really experience for myself.
Although I still don't know for certain all that happened that night, there have been a lot of assumptions, a lot of judgement and a lot of speculation. I have my own opinion of what really happened, but I guess none of that matters anymore.
What does matter is that I've grown a lot over the last year. I feel blessed and thankful for my life, my freedom and my friends who have encouraged and supported and loved me without judgement and without blame.
Although I still don't know for certain all that happened that night, there have been a lot of assumptions, a lot of judgement and a lot of speculation. I have my own opinion of what really happened, but I guess none of that matters anymore.
What does matter is that I've grown a lot over the last year. I feel blessed and thankful for my life, my freedom and my friends who have encouraged and supported and loved me without judgement and without blame.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Enough
Is it wrong to want to feel like I'm enough?
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.
I'm so tired of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm sick of my insecurities.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Value
I've written in the past about confidence, but I've been finding it increasingly difficult lately to take my own words of advice. The last couple of months have taken a toll on my own sense of self worth.
I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.
It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.
I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.
I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.
You are priceless!
I've heard about people who go through a depression of sorts after being laid off, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I've always held strongly to the belief that I am not defined by what I do for work, what man is in my life or the family & friends I have, but by WHO I am. Yes, all of those things contribute to shaping who we are, but these are not the things that establish our value. That being said, I've noticed over the last couple of months that I have been battling depression, anxiety and just an overall lack of self confidence. I've never been one to need reassurance, compliments or verbal affirmations, but the lack of those lately has definitely affected me. The silence is deafening because in the absence of positive words, the negativity of my own mind screams. Maybe it's because I no longer work with 3 of my closest friends so I'm not getting my daily dose of love or maybe it has something to do with feeling like I have less to offer lately. I've been unemployed, haven't been getting a lot of calls or interviews or even responses to the countless applications and resumes I've sent out. The lack of steady income has made me cut back on my social/networking outings so I feel almost like I've become a hermit in comparison to my usually full social life. Maybe it has something to do with insecurities that are surfacing as they relate to my current relationship. Maybe it's a combination of a lot of things, but it's really been a rough couple of months and I find myself feeling low, inadequate, undesirable, vulnerable.
It's not something that I have even been able to articulate but a recent conversation with my father made me feel that all these emotions I've been experiencing are valid. That in itself is interesting to me. I love my father very much, but we are very different and this is only the second time in my life that I felt that he truly understood me. It was refreshing.
I have finally found a job. It's less money than I hoped for, but I think it's going to work out just fine and I'm extremely grateful that I've found something. It's tough watching interviews on the news every day and realizing just how many people out there have been unemployed for so much longer than I have been. They have lost almost all hope. The position I was offered was the first job I applied for after being laid off 8 weeks ago. It has taken them this long to screen applicants and conduct interviews. Apparently over 250 people applied for this position. I feel very fortunate to be the one they picked and, honestly, this has boosted my confidence. I never thought a job offer would do so much for my own sense of self worth.
I do feel very fortunate to be surrounded by amazing people. My family is very supportive and I have a great guy in my life and wonderful friends who have been very patient and encouraging. I guess I just want to encourage everyone to put into words what you think or feel about the people in your life - not just once, but as often as you think it. Sometimes we all just need to hear it. And for those suffering from depression or going through an identity crisis or lacking self confidence - remember that your value is in WHO you are - not what you do, how much you make or what you look like. Each and every one of my friends are important to me and I can't imagine my life without you.
You are priceless!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Good Fortune & Favor
The streak continues. I've been offered every job for which I've interviewed (unless I withdrew interest first).
Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.
Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...
There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.
Got a conditional job offer - the conditions being the result of a polygraph and background check and reference checks Polygraph was this morning. Results from both should come back mid-next-week. My tentative start date is March 23rd.
Kinda weird. I was laid off January 16th (would have been my anniversary and also the anniversary of the day my ex husband moved out). My start date is scheduled for March 23rd (the anniversary of my divorce). Strange... just sayin...
There are pros and cons about the job, but the biggest "con" is the pay. It'll be about $2.50 an hour less than I was making at SRM. In 6 months, I'd get a $1/hour increase after successfully completing probation, and then annual increases thereafter. Anyways, I don't wanna jump the gun so when it's official, I'll fill y'all in.
Meanwhile, I still haven't received a single unemployment check and my savings is quickly dwindling. Ouch!!! So I gotta go deal with that now.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Tell Her
Know what bugs me? It kinda falls under the "when it rains it pours" category. I think it's interesting how I seem to go through these strange cycles with men in my past. I wont hear from any of them in months and then out of the blue, I'll hear from 4 or 5 of them over the course of a couple days. Now, these are not all men I've actually dated, but they are men who have pursued me and then settled for friendship when that is all I was willing or able to offer. Six have contacted me just since Saturday.
This evening at poker, I ran into a man I met last year on St. Patrick's day. We hung out a few times, but I told him up front I wasn't interested in a relationship. We chatted very briefly tonight, but then after I got home he sent me a text telling me that I was honestly the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, much less known.
The man I'm currently seeing is absolutely wonderful, but he doesn't compliment me often. And I've never been one to need words of affirmation... but lately they've been few and far between and it's just nice to actually HEAR someone say what they think. Why don't men understand that? Saying something once isn't enough to hold us over.
Guys - if you think your gal is beautiful, TELL HER. If you think she is smart, TELL HER. If you think she is good at something, TELL HER. If she turns you on, TELL HER. Make love to her mind... and not just once... and not just until you've snagged her... TELL HER as often as you think it.
Gals - keep doing the same.
This evening at poker, I ran into a man I met last year on St. Patrick's day. We hung out a few times, but I told him up front I wasn't interested in a relationship. We chatted very briefly tonight, but then after I got home he sent me a text telling me that I was honestly the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, much less known.
The man I'm currently seeing is absolutely wonderful, but he doesn't compliment me often. And I've never been one to need words of affirmation... but lately they've been few and far between and it's just nice to actually HEAR someone say what they think. Why don't men understand that? Saying something once isn't enough to hold us over.
Guys - if you think your gal is beautiful, TELL HER. If you think she is smart, TELL HER. If you think she is good at something, TELL HER. If she turns you on, TELL HER. Make love to her mind... and not just once... and not just until you've snagged her... TELL HER as often as you think it.
Gals - keep doing the same.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Purpose
I'm discontent. Some things are going well in my life and some, not so much. Is not that I'm not thankful for the good in my life - because, really, I am. I have wonderful friends, a guy who is probably the nicest guy I've ever dated, family who love me and support me and have more confidence in me than I have in myself...
I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.
How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.
More later.
I think maybe it's just this feeling of lacking purpose. You'd think with all this extra free time on my hands, I'd be happy. But I'm not. I spend most of my time at home - alone. I want to get out and be social, network, etc - but it seems everything takes money. I want to get on the road, get out of town and out of my head for a weekend.... but again, that takes money. The fact that I'm not working and my unemployment claim is still under a review so I'm not getting UI checks... well, it just makes me feel like I have to save every extra penny. Today, I just couldn't take it anymore so I called my friends mom and took her out to coffee. It did wonders for the soul.
How are things on the relationship front?? I don't know. I really like him, but there is this HUGE wall between us and I feel like neither of us are willing or able to tear it down and really get to know each other. I'm not myself with him... or rather, he brings out a different side of me than most everyone I know. I really don't think he sees the funny, adventurous, confident, center of attention side of me. I tend to be more... subdued around him. And I have trust issues. But speaking of the devil, he just showed up. We're going to a movie tonight.
More later.
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