Christmas

For the last several years, Christmas has been one of my least favorite days of the year. I chose to spend it alone most of those years because it was less disappointing that way. No, I'm not talking about the gift giving tradition. My last Christmas married, I had what I thought was one of the best days of my life. I let myself believe him again... I let myself hope that everything was going to be alright and that we'd make it after all. It was a day of love-making, cuddling, deep conversations. A day of visiting with family and friends with absolutely no negativity on his part... and yes, even some really great gifts including a ring I'd had my eye on. It truly was a perfect day. The next day, however, I stopped by his place of work to surprise him with some lunch and he was not happy to see me. He rushed me out the door and told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. He told me he just didn't want to ruin my Christmas so he put off telling me until the next day. Basically, everything I thought to be perfect and full of love was a lie.

Since then, I've not looked forward to Christmas and I've never been in a relationship during the holidays. Most years, I chose to spend the day alone except for a couple of family visits, and even then, I made myself scarce. It was easier that way. Even last Christmas, Ken and I were so new that even though there were no expectations and we hung out with his family... and it wasn't a great day. It's amazing how long we fight our demons...

This year was different. I found it difficult at times to really let go and allow myself to let my guard down a little bit. I'd find myself really enjoying the day and then those horrible thoughts and fears that it was too good to be true would creep in. I decided (again, it seems to be a daily choice) that I wasn't going to let fear of tomorrow ruin today. And I did have an amazing day! Ken was so good to me. We did non-stockings this year since neither of us have a stocking. I think it will be our tradition. Then we cooked a light breakfast together and opened gifts. One of the things he asked for was a picture of me that he could frame. I wrapped two with a CD of a whole photo shoot a friend did for me and told him he could pick whichever picture(s) he preferred. His eyes welled up with tears and he told me he thinks I am so beautiful and he feel so lucky to have me. Go figure, the gift that cost me the least was his favorite!

We cooked an amazing Christmas dinner and ate by candlelight. After that, the emotion of the day caught up to me. I couldn't contain my tears. But it was a good thing. He held me and listened as I told him that my last happy Christmas turned out to be a lie and how hard it was to just enjoy the day and push back my fears... and I told him how thankful I was that he was in my life. That even though life hasn't turned out for either of us like we had hoped and planned, our roads have led us to each other. And though I can't see the future or the place where those roads part, I love him and am so grateful for all he has been and all he IS to me.

It was a good day... and I hope yours was full of love and laughter as well.

Tears

A life without love is a life without tears. You only cry when you care.

Anniversary

So... for our "anniversary," Ken did good! He made plans for me to go to Zi Spa for their Heart & Sole treatment. I enjoyed an amazing one-hour massage, followed by a glass of wine and a pedicure. I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that! Since being laid off in January and finally getting a job, but making less money than I have in many years, I haven't spent any money on pampering myself.

Funny thing is, my plan for an anniversary gift was a couple's massage at the same spa the next day! So, we're still going to do it, but it'll just be later... I think it's kind of funny how much alike we think. I can't tell you how many times one of us will say exactly what the other is thinking... or we'll send a similar text to each other at the same time. It's just weird.

Procrastination

I'm procrastinating. I brought home the "test performance review" I'm supposed to be working on for the gal I supervise. I haven't had to give a PR in over 5 years, but I can tell already that I don't like writing them any more now than I did before. :)

So, instead of doing what I'm supposed to do, I'm playing on facebook, getting caught up on reading my friend's blog entries and watching a re-run of the Academy of Country Music Awards. I'm house sitting so I actually have internet access and cable. I'm not sure how I can be expected to do anything productive when I've been going through tv/internet withdrawals.

So, how am I? I'm being tormented by my demons... telling me that no man is trustworthy, that I am inadequate, that I will never be enough (pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, desirable enough.... just ENOUGH). Yesterday was the anniversary of my first date with Ken. Some days I can't believe we have been together this long. I can't believe I have stayed this long. It's so much easier to walk away than to forgive and be open and vulnerable. I can't believe he's stuck by my side in spite of all my walls and doubt. He's been in Moses Lake for a week now... and I'm just taking it one day at a time. It's the only way I keep any shred of sanity.

I know I'm blessed and I try to focus on the positive in my daily life... So, in the words of Louisa May Alcott, "I will make a battering-ram of my head and make my way through this rough and tumble world."

Long Distance

I REALLY need to get internet service at home. And soon, I'll be forced to, I think.

So, for those who don't know, my boyfriend of just about a year was offered a promotion that will take him to Moses Lake. While Moses Lake is only an hour and a half away, I'm still really struggling with this. I go from being okay with it to being angry (irrational, I know), to just being downright sad. I did a pretty damn good job of keeping my walls up for soooo long. And the moment I let it down and allow myself to fall in love, he moves away. I've always said I will NEVER even consider a long distance relationship again. I have a hard enough time trusting someone when I see them every day. But that's old news, I guess. At any rate, I spent last Saturday house hunting with him and the place sucks big hairy elephant balls. No really, it does! I was expecting a fairly cute, small town but there is nothing cute about it. It's a HOLE! And the crime rate is surprisingly high. I keep hearing horror stories about gang activity, drive by shootings and break ins from the new 911 supervisor we hired from there. Okay, that is something I would expect in, say, Phoenix or even Tacoma, but a town of under 19,000? WTF?! Ugh.

I'm really just trying to stay calm and balanced and not get overly emotional about anything. Deep down I know that what is meant to be, will be. And normally I take comfort in that. Right now, however, I am having a hard time letting go. We'll do the long distance thing for a while and continue to take it one day at a time. He'll probably be moving right before Thanksgiving and I'll probably be spending every weekend there with him, as long as weather doesn't keep me home. Which means I'll have to find a church in Moses Lake... But I'll stop myself before I ramble too much.

Simply put, I'm scared.

Little White Lies

Little white lies about seemingly unimportant things are still lies. They still hurt. They still break trust. They still damage the relationship. Why do people take that chance?

Love

"Love keeps no record of wrongs...."

Struggling here....