Undeserved Recognition

About a month ago, Ken picked me up at work for my lunch break and we wen to a local burger joint. He has Thursdays off so he usually comes into town and meets me for lunch and then we have date night that evening. Anyway, this particular day he was all smiles and I could tell something was up. I asked him and he just responded with "It's a secret." Well, I pushed a little more that day, but he wasn't saying anything so I gave up. Over the course of the next couple weeks, I'd catch him with that same goofy look on his face and ask what was up. He'd respond that it was a secret and he couldn't tell me. Well, I played along for a while, but then it just really started to bug me. I do not like secrets. The only time I don't mind them as much is on a special occasion such as birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, etc.

Early last week I noticed that everyone in my office had a "private appointment" in their Outlook calendar and my boss had called my employee into her office and shut the door. That NEVER happens. I knew something was up. I had remembered seeing emails come through asking for "Employee of the Quarter" nominations a while back, but I had deleted them and couldn't find anything that referenced the date. The more I thought about it, the more I poked around. I mentioned my suspicions to Ken and he was clearly unhappy that I couldn't just let it go and be surprised by whatever the "secret" was. On Tuesday, my boss sent me an appointment to attend the commissioners meeting with her since the taxes were to be discussed. I knew that she was attending a meeting that morning with the commissioners regarding the tax so something didn't seem right. I pulled up the meeting agendas and sure enough - the 2:00 meeting started with the public service awards and I didn't see the taxes listed anywhere.

I called Ken on my lunch break and was actually very upset. For one, I knew he was in on the secret and I wanted to know how they got in touch with him. I don't keep his number anywhere in my office and the thought of them snooping in my personal belongings really lit me up. Aside from that, I was dealing some emotional issues that day. I had pretty much figured out the surprise and I really didn't think I deserved to be nominated for Employee of the Quarter. I was afraid that one of my bosses had nominated me and I was transported back to the days of my youth where I was frequently called a teacher's pet, the spoiled one, the favorite child, etc. As it is, I feel there is a disconnect between myself and most of the people in my department. I've even had a couple people in the office "unfriend" me on facebook, one of whom later told me he thought I was a mole or spy and reported his online activity to management. (Of course I'd never do that - work is work and home life/networking sites/blogs are personal business.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm always pleased when someone acknowledges my hard work and being nominated for an award is very flattering. But I believe that awards should be deserved, not given out based on ones popularity. I did not, do not deserve this award. There are people in my department whose stellar performance may mean the difference between life and death. Those are the people that deserve the awards and public recognition. I tried to explain my position to Ken on the phone and he seemed to get angry with me. I couldn't make him understand how I felt.

Sure enough, when I walked into the commissioners meeting that afternoon, there was Ken. He had been invited and rearranged his work schedule to be able to drive over and show up in support of me. Moments later, the rest of my office and some of the supervisors from the Center walked in too. The meeting was called to order and the first item on the agenda was the award ceremony. They read the name of four nominees who all went up to the front, shook hands with the commissioners, accepted a certificate and posed for a picture. Then the HR guy started reading excerpts from the nomination letter for me. Some of it wasn't even true. I was given credit for things I have no control over. There were several things in the letter that I had forgotten I did or things that didn't seem so weighted in my mind, but there it was. I was nominated for and received the Employee of the Quarter (Q2) for Spokane County. I am now in the running for Employee of the Year. I received a certificate and a $100 gift card to Safeway and the office had a celebration for me afterward. An email with my picture went out to ALL COUNTY and I received "congratulation" emails from many people.

I felt like a fraud. I found some consolation in the fact that it wasn't my supervisors who had nominated me. It was a coworker and he didn't intentionally lie about anything. He thought I was responsible for the one task that I'm not and he got a few other things slightly wrong. He is aware of the volunteer work I do for Union Gospel Mission, Blessings Under the Bridge and that I've participated in several other ministry or charity events because I often solicit help/donations/sponsorships/etc. He divulged that information as answer to the question about how the nominee represents or serves the community. Someone gave me a copy of the actual nomination letter and I was deeply touched. I don't do the things I do for credit. I show up to work, do my job to the best of my ability and go home. I goof off sometimes and am not always on task. I get the job done and I take pride in my work, but I wouldn't say I go the extra mile on a consistent basis. I'm no different than most. I am selfish, complain from time to time, project my bad attitude and wear my bad days on my sleeve. I still feel that the award was undeserved, but I accepted it as gracefully as I could. I got some crap about it from people who think I'm a suck-up or a brown-noser and just tried to let it roll off my back. Some were joking, I know. Others... not so much.

I am flattered and grateful to know that I am appreciated and I know that in the big scheme of things, this isn't that big of a deal. I just feel so undeserving and I just wish someone more deserving was recognized instead.

And as far as Ken goes - I'm lucky to have him. He is so supportive of me and I love that about him. He also did a pretty darn good job of keeping this a secret from me. I'm not happy about that because, again, I do not like secrets. But he impressed my bosses and coworker who nominated me. I'm just glad I could tell something was up with him. I know when he is lying so he knows better than to flat out lie, but I think this "keeping secrets" thing was hard on him. That's a good thing. :)

Risks

Ken and I floated the river on Sunday and invited a girlfriend and her kids to join us. At the end of the float, near where we park, there is a bridge that has a rope swing tied onto it. The line for the rope swing was very long and I noticed people were jumping off the bridge so I climbed up to have a look. It looked deep and I watched several people jump without incident. So, I jumped. Well, I landed a bit wrong - almost in a sitting position with one leg bent so I have a big, dark, beautiful bruise running up the side/back of my leg from my knee to my butt. And I bruised my tailbone too, so it's been a rough couple of days so far. I can't sit for very long and since I have a desk job, I can't really avoid sitting.



I'm getting a lot of crap for my injury so far. I've been told I'm immature, stupid and crazy to even think about jumping off a bridge. I had one woman tell her son about my injury to disuade him from ever trying such a stunt. Then she was upset when he told her that was on his "bucket list." I want to know where everyone's sense of adventure went? No, I'm not a teenager anymore. I'm not a kid. I'm a grown woman who, in their minds, should "know better." Ha! Well the thing is, I really am afraid of heights and afraid of drowning. I also love an adrenaline rush and have a strong belief that we must look our fears in the face - and hopefully have a good time doing it. Yeah, I hurt myself this time. But if I hadn't, it would have been awesome! In fact, it was great anyway. I didn't feel the pain until about half hour later. And I had a blast. If I had it to do over again, knowing the outcome, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I refuse to let fear control my life. I refuse to let it take the joy of adventure away. I refuse to sit on the sidelines of life and envy those who are out there living, playing and having a great time. Risks are meant to be taken. Adventures are meant to be had. Life is meant to be LIVED!

Sometimes I digress. I allow fear to creep in and hold me back - in love, in relationships, in my career, in every aspect of life. But I hate that girl. I've been the scared girl my whole life and I like the adventurous me a whole heck of a lot more. I feel like I've lost her, especially lately, but I think she's had enough of being stifled. Time to start taking more risks, go confidently in the direction of my dreams and live the life I've imagined.

Vacation Jitters?

Today is officially the start of vacation. I'm excited to see my family and friends in Juneau and I'm nervous for them to meet Ken. Frankly, dad has only ever met two of my boyfriends and he didn't like either one. Granted, I was 17 when he met Chris and 19 when he met Alan, the man I ended up marrying. I'm 32 now and hopefully he has a little more faith in my judgement, instincts & ability to decide for myself what is right. Dad is older too and a lot more mellow these days. I'm sure my brothers couldn't care less who I date. They may make a big show like peacocks with their tail feathers spread and their chests puffed out, but ultimately, I don't think it'll be any big issue. Heather will like him - she likes just about everybody. Litiana will probably think he's pretty typical for me, not like she knows and Siga has already met him.

My mom and my 5 youngest siblings are back in Juneau now and there may be a chance we get to see them. Mom will probably be too caught up in her own drama to care much, but she's never liked any of her children's love interests. Besides, her opinion means nothing to me at this point. And the little ones will love him simply because he's tall. :)

Truth is, I'm very anxious about this trip. In the past, I've experienced anxiety when returning "home" for a visit, but the source of that anxiety was always the possibility of running into the ex and/or his wife. Now, they live in Arizona so the chances of them being up there the same week I am is highly unlikely. I can't really place the source of my anxiety. Maybe it is bringing Ken up there to meet everyone. I've been more excited about that than nervous, but maybe that is the source. It's not that I'm nervous they wont like him. I'm sure they will. Their biggest beef with Alan was that because he was quiet, they interpreted his lack of communication and demeanor to mean that he thought he was better than them. I don't think that was the case, but he was horrible at small talk and maybe he was a bit judgemental at their behaviors. They drink, smoke, get high, party all the time and argue about God and religion in the same breath they cuss someone out. They are a loud, colorful and disrespectful bunch. I think Ken knows enough of the sort that he can handle hangin' with them for a week.

Maybe the source of my anxiety is simply my relationship with Ken. There have been a lot of hints about the future. I've been content to just float for a while, taking it a day at a time. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love. I didn't think we'd make it long after he moved to Moses Lake, but thanks to a lot of effort on both our parts, we're still together. Learning to take life as it comes and live one day at a time without stressing about the future took me a long time. Now with thoughts of "the future" ever present, I'm nervous. What if I take him to meet the family and we break up soon after? It would have all been for nothing. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of breaking up with him. I love him. But I am not blind or stupid. I know how difficult I can be to deal with. I'm a yo-yo. One day I feel like we are very close and the next something happens and I feel we are miles away. I know relationships are like that, but it seems the yo-yo-ing is getting more frequent. This period of our growth is very uncomfortable. I wouldn't blame him if he gave up and walked away.

I read a quote the other day. It said something like, "Love is not looking at one another; rather it is looking together in the same direction." That has been eating at me. I'm not entirely sure Ken and I are looking in the same direction and that scares me. So maybe it isn't the trip to Juneau that is making me nervous, but rather, the big unknown tomorrow.

Well, I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go along. Always do. I guess I should probably start packing. We have to drive to Seattle when he gets off work this afternoon and our flight leaves for Juneau tonight. Forecast calls for rain all week, but I really hope the clouds will part and the sun will shine, illuminating the vast, breath-taking beauty of Alaska!

Beauty in Darkness

It is not often that I find a work of art that stops me dead in my tracks and takes my breath away. That happened to me a couple weeks ago at Art Fest in Browne's Addition. She has several that I like, but the one that I wanted sold and she didn't have prints... The human body is one of the most amazing and beautiful creations and she does a great job of illustrating that beauty... Check her out: http://carrievielle.blogspot.com/

I held a little baby in my arms today, just over 4 hours old. I LOVE babies! I haven't changed my mind... I don't want one of my own, but holding a precious little life in my arms is an experience that will never grow old. Watching their facial expressions as they sleep, admiring the adorable little button nose and the perfectly shaped tiny red lips, the soft skin, the barely noticeable eyebrows... Hearing the deep breaths and little baby noises... They are so perfect, so innocent, so trusting. It's really too bad that we don't stay that way. This life has a way of contaminating us. It was nice to revel in the presence of perfection for a short while today.

I went to a volunteer orientation at the Union Gospel Mission the other day. I've been serving there for about 5 years now, but the recently started requiring that all volunteers go through this "class." It was interesting to learn the history of the place, but the thing that stuck out to me is the story of the kitchen manager. A childhood filled with abuse, an adolescence riddled with drugs, and adulthood full of unhealthy relationships, prison, divorce, anger and loss. He found hope though. There is a light in his eyes. Everyone has a story. I love volunteering there because it is one of those places where even in the midst of so much darkness, I see love, vulnerability and hope. I see beauty.

Anchor

My recent bout of restlessness has been the source of some anxiety for my boyfriend. I go through phases, as mentioned before, where I just want to go away. Somewhere. Anywhere. I miss the days of wandering around the country or even the short weekend get-away trips alone. I miss the days of spontaneously jumping in my car and flipping a coin to determine the direction and then just driving as long and as far as I want, without planning or even telling anyone. Ken told me last night that he feels like he’s keeping me tied down and that he doesn’t want to be my anchor. There seems to be a negative implication in the word “anchor” and in the past I’ve run from anyone or anything that made me feel weighted down.

I got to thinking about what he said. I don’t like the idea of being tied down or held back from something I want to do or experience. I don’t like the idea of losing my freedom and independence or having to rely on someone. I don’t like having to take someone else’s opinion or feelings into consideration. I don’t want to have to answer to someone and I certainly don’t like my actions having an affect on another person. This is a small part of the reason I don’t want children. I want to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and deal with the consequences (good or bad) on my own. I know how selfish all of this sounds and although not all of my intentions are self-serving, I won’t argue the point.

That being said, I remember the years of random drives, spontaneous road trips and adventures that I was blessed to be able to go on, and feeling so sad, empty and lonely. As much as I loved my freedom and solitude, I longed for someone to share experiences with. While I don’t go on nearly as many “adventures” these days, those that I do go on, I have someone to share them with and I cherish each of those moments and memories.

My life has been rather tumultuous lately with family drama up to my eyeballs, work issue, health concerns, financial struggles, etc. It’s like being right in the middle of a relentless storm. Through all of it, Ken has stood there by my side. He has borne the burden of my frustrations, vent sessions, tears, insecurities, fears and anger. He has remained calm when I am agitated, unruffled in the midst of my own personal turbulence. He has been steadfast and solid. He has been my anchor in this storm.

Maybe an anchor is not such a bad thing. Maybe it is just what I’ve needed. Maybe it has saved me from being carried out to sea. Maybe it has saved my life.

One of my favorite songs in troubled times is “The Anchor Holds” by Ray Boltz. The chorus says:

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

The song is referring to God as the anchor and I certainly don’t want to take anything away from that truth, but it holds true for Ken too. I know he’s human and he has and will fail me, but I love him and I'm eternally grateful that he has been my anchor. I just need to find balance in my life!

"A faithful companion is a sure anchor." ~Motto

Has-Been

After uploading all of my birthday pictures, I pulled out the cards I received so I could read them all again. They were very sweet cards from some of my best friends, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad. One friend wrote, "you live each day to the fullest and with all your heart. I have never met anyone so fun and exciting to be around with such great stories..." Another card said, "you've been such a source of joy and inspiration in my life" and another friend wrote, "I respect you more than anyone I know. You are selfless and there for me at my best and my worst." All of them said something about me being adventurous, fun, inspiring and making their lives brighter.

I tried to think of the last exciting adventurous or inspring thing I've done and I'm drawing a blank. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of crazy wonderful experiences in my life and I don't mean to invalidate those adventures, but I feel like a has-been. How long can I live off the road trip of a lifetime where I was able to visit all 50 states? Or my two sky-diving experiences? Or my years of restless wandering and impromptu trips?

And when was the last time I did anything selfless or worthy of respect? I've been so caught up in the little details of my own life, my family drama and the struggles of my long-distance relationship that I really haven't been a very good friend to those I love. My eyes have been on myself... not others.

A lot has changed in my life over the last two years. I'm thankful for a decent job with good benefits, but it barely pays the bills and doesn't afford me the luxury of being spontaneous or adventurous very often. I still have a seemingly insurmountable mountain of debt and I'm trying to be the responsible one and focus on getting that taken care of. I am blessed with a wonderful, solid, steadfast man in my life. Our relationship has encouraged growth and has broken down walls I thought were impenetrable. But I'm so afraid of losing my identity, independence and freedom. I'm feeling restless and I have to fight the urge to sell everything I own and hit the road again...

I'm just tired of feeling like a fake and a has-been. I'm ready to start living life to the fullest again, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between living a responsible life and a fun, carefree and adventurous life.

Birthday Weekend Pics

Friday was my birthday. I took the day off and invited lots of friends out on Thursday night to celebrate with dinner and dueling pianos. I got a lot of responses from friends who said they wanted to go, but in the end, just a handful of us showed up. While part of me was really disappointed in how many people flaked, I know I'm blessed and I'm grateful for the few who did show. We had a great time.

Here I'm getting a birthday squeeze!


And here are a few of the people that showed up (minus Lisa and Amanda).


And Lisa and I both had to sit on the pianos while they serenaded us...

Lisa's birthday is just a few days before mine! I love her!!

A good time was had by all.

Friday morning, Ken and I hit the road in search of a place to camp for the weekend and we found the perfect spot at Albeni Cove in Oldtown, Idaho (about 5 minutes outside of Newport, WA). It was just the two of us and although it was cold and windy, we stayed dry.

We were greeted on the trail by a couple of squirrels mating. They were determined to finish the deed no matter what interruptions they had to endure. This little squirrel started chasing them around and they stayed connected while they shimmied up and around the tree, finally out onto a branch and were literally hanging upside down humping! WTF! He must've been good!

Our campsite was gorgeous, right on the Pend O'reille River. Here are a couple shots of the beautiful view from our campsite.

Here is our site and a pretty bridge on the grounds.

And of course no camping trip is complete without steaks and pork n beans!!

It got pretty windy so we had to spend a couple hours in the tent. Good thing he brought his cribbage board. :)

Over all, I had a fabulous weekend. Unfortunately, Ken doesn't get weekends off so I'm not sure if we'll have any more opportunities to camp together this summer. Which is sad because look how sexy he is sitting next to a big fire.