Anchor

My recent bout of restlessness has been the source of some anxiety for my boyfriend. I go through phases, as mentioned before, where I just want to go away. Somewhere. Anywhere. I miss the days of wandering around the country or even the short weekend get-away trips alone. I miss the days of spontaneously jumping in my car and flipping a coin to determine the direction and then just driving as long and as far as I want, without planning or even telling anyone. Ken told me last night that he feels like he’s keeping me tied down and that he doesn’t want to be my anchor. There seems to be a negative implication in the word “anchor” and in the past I’ve run from anyone or anything that made me feel weighted down.

I got to thinking about what he said. I don’t like the idea of being tied down or held back from something I want to do or experience. I don’t like the idea of losing my freedom and independence or having to rely on someone. I don’t like having to take someone else’s opinion or feelings into consideration. I don’t want to have to answer to someone and I certainly don’t like my actions having an affect on another person. This is a small part of the reason I don’t want children. I want to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do it and deal with the consequences (good or bad) on my own. I know how selfish all of this sounds and although not all of my intentions are self-serving, I won’t argue the point.

That being said, I remember the years of random drives, spontaneous road trips and adventures that I was blessed to be able to go on, and feeling so sad, empty and lonely. As much as I loved my freedom and solitude, I longed for someone to share experiences with. While I don’t go on nearly as many “adventures” these days, those that I do go on, I have someone to share them with and I cherish each of those moments and memories.

My life has been rather tumultuous lately with family drama up to my eyeballs, work issue, health concerns, financial struggles, etc. It’s like being right in the middle of a relentless storm. Through all of it, Ken has stood there by my side. He has borne the burden of my frustrations, vent sessions, tears, insecurities, fears and anger. He has remained calm when I am agitated, unruffled in the midst of my own personal turbulence. He has been steadfast and solid. He has been my anchor in this storm.

Maybe an anchor is not such a bad thing. Maybe it is just what I’ve needed. Maybe it has saved me from being carried out to sea. Maybe it has saved my life.

One of my favorite songs in troubled times is “The Anchor Holds” by Ray Boltz. The chorus says:

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

The song is referring to God as the anchor and I certainly don’t want to take anything away from that truth, but it holds true for Ken too. I know he’s human and he has and will fail me, but I love him and I'm eternally grateful that he has been my anchor. I just need to find balance in my life!

"A faithful companion is a sure anchor." ~Motto