Has-Been

After uploading all of my birthday pictures, I pulled out the cards I received so I could read them all again. They were very sweet cards from some of my best friends, but I couldn't help but feel a little sad. One friend wrote, "you live each day to the fullest and with all your heart. I have never met anyone so fun and exciting to be around with such great stories..." Another card said, "you've been such a source of joy and inspiration in my life" and another friend wrote, "I respect you more than anyone I know. You are selfless and there for me at my best and my worst." All of them said something about me being adventurous, fun, inspiring and making their lives brighter.

I tried to think of the last exciting adventurous or inspring thing I've done and I'm drawing a blank. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of crazy wonderful experiences in my life and I don't mean to invalidate those adventures, but I feel like a has-been. How long can I live off the road trip of a lifetime where I was able to visit all 50 states? Or my two sky-diving experiences? Or my years of restless wandering and impromptu trips?

And when was the last time I did anything selfless or worthy of respect? I've been so caught up in the little details of my own life, my family drama and the struggles of my long-distance relationship that I really haven't been a very good friend to those I love. My eyes have been on myself... not others.

A lot has changed in my life over the last two years. I'm thankful for a decent job with good benefits, but it barely pays the bills and doesn't afford me the luxury of being spontaneous or adventurous very often. I still have a seemingly insurmountable mountain of debt and I'm trying to be the responsible one and focus on getting that taken care of. I am blessed with a wonderful, solid, steadfast man in my life. Our relationship has encouraged growth and has broken down walls I thought were impenetrable. But I'm so afraid of losing my identity, independence and freedom. I'm feeling restless and I have to fight the urge to sell everything I own and hit the road again...

I'm just tired of feeling like a fake and a has-been. I'm ready to start living life to the fullest again, but I am having a hard time finding the balance between living a responsible life and a fun, carefree and adventurous life.