Two Years

Today, March 23rd, 2006, I have been divorced for exactly 2 years. I have conflicting feelings about that right now. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I feel like I should be better, totally over him and healed by now. But it still hurts. Not as intensly and not as often, but the pain is still there. I still think about him every day. Many days I still miss him - miss my friend, my confidant, my lover, my cuddle-buddy, my travel partner...

Some days I am so grateful for my freedom and feel like I've accepted my losses. I know that there is life after divorce and I am LIVING it!!! I even sometimes feel sorry for my friends who are married and have kids because their lives are not their own. They have to answer to someone and their every move affects someone else. Not so with me...

I haven't cried today. I haven't had time to reflect or be sad because I've been so busy up until this moment. Off to Bible Study now. Hopefully I can keep my emotions under control tonight.

My Eyes Are Dry

My eyes are dry
My faith is old
My heart is hard
My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me

But what can be done
For an old heart like mine
Soften it up
With oil and wine
The oil is you, your spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of your blood
~ ~Keith Green's Lyrics from "My Eyes Are Dry"

My sister posted this in her blog and it touched me deeply. I haven't heard this song in years, but it seems to accurately describe how I feel right now. I know it's gotta be because of sin in my life - it's the only thing that separates me from my Lord and I feel so far away from Him right now.

Great Weekend

Last week was not a good one. Okay, so coming back from Mexico is ALWAYS hard and it seems I have the worst weeks at work right after a vacation. But this was worse than normal. I get back to town and they tell me that they are moving my desk AGAIN! This is my 8th desk move in the 14 months that I've been at this job. I had 7 within the first 9 months so I guess I should be thankful that I have had the past 5 months in one spot. I swear, I feel like Milton on Office Space. Next thing I know, they are going to be putting me in the basement, expecting me to take care of the roach and rat problem and conveniently "forget" to tell me I've been let go - so I'll be working and not get a paycheck! I'll be darned if I let them get a hold of my stapler though!!!!! Seriously, I looked for a red Swingline stapler the other day and they are like $22! I may have to get one anyway. For those of you who haven't seen the movie - RENT IT!

On a happy note, I got to travel over the weekend! My friend, Natasha, in Vancouver, Washington turned 30 on Saturday so she was having a birthday cocktail party. I decided to drive over on Saturday morning (got there at 3:30) and had a wonderful time with her little baby and then got to meet lots of her friends. She knows so many quality people. It's always a little hard to visit her only because her and her husband were one of mine and Alan's good "couple friends." But they were my friends first and Alan doesn't speak to them anymore. They hate him anyway, so it doesn't hurt their feelings any. But anyways, I just really had a good time. I left there around 3:30 after a quick stop at Trader Joe's and decided to cross the Columbia and drive the Washington side. What fun! I had never taken that road back so I stopped a lot and took a ton of pictures and played tourist. Then, around 6:30, I decided to stop at this little bar and grill on the side of the road in this tiny town in the middle of no where. Roosevelt, Washington - population: 79. I walked in and ordered a beer and asked for a menu. After pointing to the wall, where their menu hung, all of the 7 people in the place came up and introduced themselves to me. 2 married couples, one in their 40's or early 50's, one in their 60's, a lesbian couple in their late 40's and a single guy in his mid to late 40's. They were the nicest people ever and just really made me feel welcome. Apparently, Tuesday night is the night to be there. They have $10 steaks that are supposedly amazing - and huge. I told them I'd have to make the drive down some Tuesday night for dinner. It's 3 hours away, but it's as good excuse as any to get outta town for a bit. I now have a new favorite sandwich. It's called the Pig-A-Fire. Picture this: start with a big piece of toast, then add a layer of mozzarella cheese and a layer of jalapenos. Then add another piece of toast and a layer of cheddar cheese, a layer of ham and a layer of bacon and top it off with a 3rd piece of toast. YUMMY!!!! OMG! It was so good. So, if any of you ever stop in Roosevelt, WA - you gotta stop by M&T's Bar and Grill! They'll treat you right! One of them bought me a beer and we all just sat around shootin' the breeze for a while. The owner gave me a t-shirt and a Sharpie so I could write on the t-shirt the date and the name of the establishment (since the shirts were misprinted). They even offered to take me out fishing on the Columbia when the weather gets warmer. I am SOOO taking them up on that offer! I'll probably head over there sometime in the next month or two on a Tuesday night. This is what I love about traveling - stopping in some old tavern in a small town in the middle of no where, making friends with the locals and forgetting about my life for just a moment - hearing about their lives, the town gossip and being accepted for who I am. They thought me a little crazy for doing all that travelin' alone, but they are good people - even tried to get me to move there. Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I truly LOVED my life. That's happiness right there.

I can't wait to be out of debt and actually be able to save up some money. I just don't get to travel as often as I would like.

Is this the way it's going to be?

So, I met this guy the other day. We have been talking A LOT since we met - on the phone, by text messages and even in person. I really started to be interested. So, today, I realized that we had briefly talked about my divorce, but had not touched on his situation. I asked if he had kids and he said he had 4. So I said, "so I assume that you have been married before..." He said, "you assume correctly." When I asked how long he'd been divorced he got really quiet... and then he said that he's still married!!!

I feel really let down and a whole bunch of other things. I'm really irritated. I finally let my guard down for an instant and think that there really are good guys out there - people who are genuine and kind who are actually interested in ME... and then this. I'm disappointed. More on that later...

I'm driving to Vancouver, WA today for my friend's 30th birthday party. Can't wait to see her

Vacation

I'm back from Mexico. It was a good trip over all, but definitely dampened by sickness and injuries. The morning after I got there, I woke up with strep throat and couldn't swallow or talk very well. Lots of pain, fever, etc. NOT my idea of a relaxing vacation. The first few days I was simply miserable. I finally found a "doctor" who gave me some antibiotics and a couple days later, I was feeling a bit better. My older brother wrecked his rented motor scooter and had to go to the emergency room to get stitches. The closest hospital was a town or two away and they didn't speak English and the medical facilities are less than stellar. Not very sanitary.
At any rate, I did get some sun - maybe I'll post a picture or two soon - if I ever get around to it. It was nice to be away from work for a while. I got back Friday morning, but my computer has been in the shop. Finally have it back so I'll be around a little more often.
Now I'm on the apartment hunt. Feels like I just did this!!! Hopefully I'll be able to find somewhere decent that I can afford. I just hate signing leases because then I feel trapped. Yuck. Oh well, keep me in your prayers.

Struggling to Practice What I Preach

I contemplated making this a Private Post. Instead, I am asking those who read my journal and know Alan and Melanie personally, to keep this to yourselves. I needed to get this out, but I don't want it getting back to anyone. Thank you for the confidence.

I wrote the last entry earlier this afternoon, but just got a chance to post. Now, I'm having trouble taking my own advice. I struggle with forgiveness and I know it's a daily choice to forgive certain people who have wounded me deeply. Today, especially this evening, I am struggling. A couple days ago, I was talking to my friends mom (she lost her brother and her husband within 12 hours of each other, 2 days before Christmas). After we talked about how she was feeling, I could relate to some of it so she asked me about my ex husband and what happened in our relationship. After I gave her the story, she said that if her husband had ever been unfaithful to her, she would not be able to forgive him - she'd hate him and the girl he was with. I always try to speak kindly of my ex and his new wife (I do have my moments when I need to vent, but I won't drag their names through the mud) and apparently I had said something kind about them. She was astonished and made a comment that I must be a stronger woman than she if I could really forgive them and not harbor any ill will toward them. Don't worry, I didn't let her go on believing I was perfect. I told her it's a daily decision that I make - to forgive and to pray for them. Anyway, she had said that my ex was unlovable - so I thought it interesting that my calendar had that daily quote today. But the fact is, I do love him and forgive him and in all sincerity, I want only good things for him.

Today, my ex-in-laws (ex-laws?) called me. It was the first time I had talked to them since Thanksgiving. We never go more than a month without talking so I knew something was up. Well, it turns out they have been in communication with their son and his wife. More with Melanie than Alan, but that isn't really surprising. Anyways,they said they felt like maybe they should back off with me to allow their relationship with their new daughter-in-law to grow. They are walking on eggshells because Alan hasn't talked to them hardly at all in the last 2 years. The door to communicate is just starting to open and they are afraid that if A&M find out that they are still close to me, that will hinder their relationship and they won't talk to them. With a new grandson on the way, my ex-laws are excited, yet cautious and want more than anything to be a part of his life. First, I want to say that this is an answer to prayer. I am so glad that Alan is talking to his parents, at least a little bit and I respect Melanie for trying to bridge the gap and being willing to allow them into her life. I've been praying that for almost 2 years now. I understand that my ex-laws probably feel torn to some degree. They do still love me, but their loyalties should be with their son and his family.

I would be lying if I said that I was 100% happy about all of this. They are developing a relationship with someone that I still have to CHOOSE to forgive EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY. I am being replaced - again. I was replaced as a lover, a wife, a best friend and now as a daughter. I am jealous. I am sad. I am afraid that they will continue to distance themselves from me and I will lose a family that I love as my own. I would understand if they did, but I have gotten used to having them all to myself the last 2 years. They have supported me and loved me and prayed for me just as they always did when I was married to their son. I feel awkward now. I feel so sad. Maybe Brandon was right when he told me that it was unhealthy to keep them in my life for so long and to lean on them. Because now, I am experiencing feelings of loss and rejection all over again.

I am happy that they are communicating now - this truly is an answer to my prayers. But I hurt inside. I don't want to care. I want to feel numb.

"Love means to love that which is unlovable, or it is no virtue at all;
Forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable, or it is no virtue at all –
And to Hope means hoping when things are hopeless, or it is no virtue at all."
~G.K. Chesterton

My thoughts:

The first thing is to identify who is considered "unlovable." Is it the murderer rotting away in prison? The person who molested you or your little sister or daughter? The unfaithful spouse? The drunks and druggies sitting homeless on the street? A family member that hurt you? The manipulative, negative coworker sitting in the cubicle next to you? It's easy to say, "Oh, I love everyone, there is no one that I hate." Where is the proof? When I see a homeless man on the street, holding up his cardboard sign begging for money, or passed out drunk in his own urine on the sidewalk, it is easy to turn up my nose and judge him. I often catch myself thinking, "Why doesn't he get off his ass and get a job? McDonald's is always hiring." And maybe I'm right, maybe that person should do something, but I am not responsible for his actions. I am responsible for my own. How can I show him love? Love is not earned. It is a GIFT. When we love someone, we expect absolutely NOTHING in return. That being said, it is easy to love those who love us and are kind to us. Even the most evil people do that.

This reminds me of the scripture where the Lord is praising the righteous for seeing him hungry and feeding him, etc. "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' " Matthew 25:37-40

If you've done something to the least of these… you've done it to Christ. What a powerful concept. I need to remember that every moment of every day, in every dealings I have with people.

Forgiving: What is unpardonable? Infidelity? Molestation? Rape? Abuse? Murder? Is one sin greater than another? Are we not called to forgive 70 times 7? If all sins are equal and we are sinning in our unforgiveness, are we not just as bad as the person we refuse to forgive? In forgiving others, we find freedom. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." Matthew 7:2

I need to remember to take the plank out of my own eye - to deal with the sins in my own life before judging someone else for their choices.

Hope: When do things seem hopeless? Usually, when you are right in the middle of it. Given enough time, we are able to look back at a seemingly hopeless situation and see in hindsight that there was hope all along. Is your loved one dying of a terminal illness where there is no hope of recovery? Don't lose hope. Miracles still occur. When we hope for something and are disappointed, it seems to make us lose hope more easily in other situations.