Feliz Navidad!

Merry Christmas, everyone!!! I'm sitting in a Starbucks (curse them, but at least they aren't playing Christmas music) because it's the only place that is open where I can get online (for a hefty fee... curse T-Mobile too!!!). But, I am in sunny San Diego and am having a great time. Life is good. I'm staying in our corporate apartment and enjoying exploring and watching sunsets and going to the beach and drinking wine and meeting new people. It's been a great couple of days. A much needed break from the cold.

I think I'm going to finish up an email and then head to the beach. I tried to find Black's Beach yesterday, but the google directions were not accurate. It's all good. I still found a beach and watched the sunset.

I hope that you are all happy and healthy and surrounded by people you love. Have an extra helping of ham/turkey/goose/stuffing/eggnog/hot buttered rum/etc. for me. I think I'll have steak and margaritas for my Christmas dinner.

Much love and God bless each and every one of you.

Epiphany

These walls that I've constructed...
Built for my protection...
To protect my heart, my freedom, my independence...

They have become my prison.

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!!! We all have so much for which to be grateful. May we all spend today focusing on all that we have been blessed with and NOT on what we don't have.

I am blessed with a colorful and always entertaining family who loves me for who I am, not what I've done.
I am rich in friends - people in my life who love me and often let me know I'm in their thoughts.
I have a Father in Heaven who daily shows me his love for me, who is faithful even in my infidelity and whose grace and mercy follow me always. Yes... I am very fortunate.

Today, I am thankful for my freedom. I was invited to so many holiday parties, but decided I needed some alone time. So, I am in Seattle, staying in our corporate apartment and plan to eat, watch football and movies, read and write and drink lots of wine.

I am thankful for the pain, the heartbreak, the love, the loss, the laughter and the joy that fill every day. I am thankful for where I have been, where I am now and for all that my future holds. I'm thankful for who I used to be and who I am now. I am alive and I feel it! Today, I am content.

Used

I got a new car yesterday... well, not "NEW," new, but "previously owned," new-to-me, new.

Why do people think "previously owned" sounds better than "used." Makes me think of that email that went around not long ago with politically correct phrases for everything. I think it said something like, "She's not a slut, she has previously enjoyed companionship" or something like that. Ah well, at least she has only been "previously owned" or "used" by one other before me - and although she's got quite a few miles on her, she's in great condition.

Why am I calling her a "she"? Because all cars are feminine. Why is that? Who knows - probably because they are so needy, but as long as you treat them right, they give you what you want and are reliable and trust worthy. I'm sure you boys will have a different opinion.

So anyways, am I excited? No. People don't understand that, but I'm not excited about losing my camry. I didn't enjoy car shopping one bit. I didn't enjoy dealing with salesmen and finance officers and test drives. I am not excited about having another monthly payment. I am happy that the whole process is over, but I will second guess myself and my decision for probably the next month or so and then after a few road trips, if she handles well, THEN I will start to be happy and let her into my heart.

I'm a nerd - I know!

I did, however, find out this weekend that I'm the perfect girl. Well, I guess I already knew that, but I've yet to hear anyone tell me that - until yesterday. And then the question... "So, why are you single?" Good question! Must be because there are no perfect guys (at least not in Spokane)! Ha!

Curses!

Friends, I am having a rough day and could use your prayers. As you know, my car was hit last week. I was able to track down the owner of the car that hit me and got his insurance information (Thank God!). His insurance company is totaling the car and have provided a rental car for me for a week.

However, the title is still under my married name WITH my ex-husband. A year and a half ago when I changed my name back, I tried to get the title changed over to my name. They said Alan had to sign a form and have it notarized and mail it back to me. I tried, unsuccessfully, to get in touch with Alan and get his address. He never responded. I got busy and forgot about it.

Now, the insurance company needs the title so I locate it and realize it is still in both our names. Crap! So, I have to get in touch with Alan, get his address and overnight the form to him. He, then, has to sign it, have it notarized and overnight it back to me. In a perfect world, this wouldn't be a huge issue. However, given my experiences with Alan since the divorce, this could be a problem. I don't even know how to get in contact with him so I had to contact his parents. Hopefully they will pass the information on to him. Then, IF he even responds and gives me his address, I'm not confident that he will sign it and send it back timely. Until I get this back from him, the Washington Department of Licensing will not change the title and I can't get my check until the title is taken care of. AND I only have my rental car until Thursday!!! Then, I'll be without a car.

Originally they told me that the divorce decree would work as long as it indicated that the car was mine. So, I spent hours digging through my old files and "The Emotional Sad (Alan) Box" to find the decree and property distribution form. But since the car's VIN number is not on that form, it is not sufficient for the DOL.

Seems lots is standing of the way here. Not sure why, but I am trying to remember to trust that things happen for a reason. I'm just unreasonably angry right now.

On a positive note, I took the motorcycle safety and training course over the weekend and passed! I get the endorsement added to my driver's license tomorrow. I'm so excited.

Rude Awakening

Can I just say that waking up at 4:18 am is never pleasant, not to mention the cause was the sound of my 100 year old vintage doorbell/buzzer thing. I stumble out of bed, all discombobulated, having no idea what to expect on the other side of the door so I just open it a crack and before I see anyone, I hear "Spokane Police Department, ma'am." Immediately every possible horrific scenario starts running through my head, but the sound of my sisters voice behind me calms me down a little bit. At least I know she's safe... but what the...?

SPD: "Do you own a silver Camry?"
Me: "Yes."
SPD: "It's been hit."
Me: (suddenly realizing I'm not wearing a bra under my t-shirt and crossing my hands over my chest) "Hit? As in, by a car? Or someone broke into it again?"
SPD: (Chuckling) "As in, by a car. Bad. It's undrivable."
Me: (Suddenly very self conscious about my bed head, mis-matched PJs, morning breath, no bra, eye-boogers and smeared makeup) "Hit and run or do you know who hit it?"
SPD: "We found the car near the MAC, but no driver. He also hit a tree."
Me: (genuinely concerned) "Oh my God, I hope he's okay."
SPD: (Laughing) "Um, yeah... well, the guy should have just stopped when he hit you, before he hit the tree and whatever else he may have hit along the way."

Then he goes into how normally they just leave the accident report on the car, but since he figured it was probably how I intended to get to work today, I might want to have some forewarning so I could leave early or make other arrangements. He hands me the accident report, apologizes for the rude awakening and leaves.

I, being the curious cat that I am, decide that I can't wait until "morning" to see the damage so I grab my coat and shoes and head downstairs to check it out with my sister at my heels. The cop is still out there so I asked how they found out. Apparently someone called in a collision near Cedar Ave so they came to check it out, saw my car, then a tree on the other side of the road that had been hit as well. Then they got another call about a car in a parking lot a few blocks away near the Museum of Arts & Culture that looked pretty banged up, but no driver to be found. They checked it out and determined it was definitely the car that hit me, airbags had been deployed and they think the driver has a head injury. It was registered to someone named Kelly.

I called the insurance company, filed a claim and took pictures. So, the guy didn't just side-swipe me. He hit the left rear of the car so hard that he pushed the back end of my car onto the curb. Check out how far from the line the back of the car is. Crazy.



I sure hope this isn't indicative of how the rest of my day is going to go. I really hope the guy has insurance and if he doesn't, I really hope I don't run into problems with my insurance company. And... I hope Kelly is okay. I googled him and found his myspace. It appears that he was planning to be out at The Boulevard (night club) tonight. Drunk, I assume. Ha! Gotta love myspace!

Well, I have to say, I am actually really glad the cop woke me up because it would suck to head out to my car with maybe 5 minutes to get to work, only to find that I can't drive it. I better hop in the shower, get ready and start walking. Peace, y'all!

There but for the grace of God, go I.

This afternoon as everyone was filing out of the office to head home, soccer practice, football practice, dinner or wherever it is that they all go, someone noticed a man lying in the middle of the street just about a block up from where I work. A lot of cars were stopped and people staring from the sidewalks. One of my friends walked up there to find out what was going on and if she could help.

Turns out, some guy decided life wasn't worth living any longer and he walked out into the middle of the busiest street in Spokane at the busiest time of the day (Division Street at rush hour) and just laid down, hoping to be hit by some vehicle hard enough to end his life. People stopped and were trying to talk him into moving, but he refused, so a couple of guys picked him up and moved him to the sidewalk and called the police.

I'd be lying if I said I never contemplated ending my life. Yes, I know it's selfish and cowardly, but I know that place of hopelessness and despair. Thankfully though, someone has reached out to me in those midnight moments and loved me, prayed for me, offered me a helping hand and gave me a glimmer of hope. When you hit rock bottom, you have two choices - lie there and wait for death or pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start climbing back up, step by painful step. Sometimes my life is difficult or sad and there are times that I feel like such a failure - like I've made all the wrong decisions, screwed up too bad and too many times, hurt too many people and am not worthy of love, forgiveness or even the air that I breathe. There are days that I wonder if I will end up homeless; days when I believe I would be disowned by my friends and family if they really knew the "real" me and days when I can't blame the drunk passed out on the sidewalk because of all the times I, myself, have looked to the bottle to escape from reality, numb my pain or quiet my mind. I see it every day - the glazed eyes, blank stares of empty souls. And my heart goes out to them because, "There but for the grace of God, go I."