I heard a song on the radio the other day and the lyrics really affected me. It got me thinking on a train of thought that led to this.
As a woman and as a Christian with what some call "old fashioned" values, I want the man I marry to be a leader. I believe God has called men to be the spiritual leader of their family - to lead by example, in faith and in love. If I ever get married again, it is very important to me to have a man who will take my hand join me in my journey toward Christ. I want someone who will be strong when I am not; who will pray with me and seek God with me and who will encourage me in my walk with God. And if I do have children some day (heaven forbid), I want a man who will be a Godly father and lead his kids in the way of the ONE true God.
In the absence of a man's desire to follow Christ or step up to his role of the spiritual leader of a family, the woman often tries to take on that responsibility. I have been there myself! I don't believe that is what God intended. Yes, each one is responsible for his or her own actions and their own relationship with God, but it is truly the man's role to be the leader.
I do feel that I am a pretty strong woman. Regardless of the choices of whoever is in my life, I know that I am accountable to God for my actions and I try to hold myself to a particular standard. I'm FAR from perfect, but I do love God and I do have a personal realationship with Him. Like any relationship, sometimes I get lazy, take Him for granted and stray from the path, but I always return to him. It's lonely to feel like I'm on this journey alone sometimes, but I hope I never allow the lack of spiritual leadership in my life to be an excuse to stop following Christ on my own.
I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside I can hear her saying...
"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"
(Lyrics from Lead Me by Sanctus Real)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Happy Anniversary to ME!
Six years ago today, my divorce was finalized. That day seemed like the darkest day of my life and I've spent years dreading this day. But today, I am so grateful for my experiences and all that my previous marriage tought me. More importantly, I am thankful for my freedom! I cherish it, actually. All the things I've experienced, the places I've visited and the amazing people I've met over the past six years have enriched my life in ways I never could have imagined. None of it would have been possible if the divorce never happened.
So instead of mourning what I lost on this day six years ago, I choose to celebrate the freedom that I gained. Freedom and I have been together for six years today. Happy Anniversary to me!
I've also been working at Spokane 911 for a year today. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm grateful to HAVE a job because being unemployed was incredibly stressful!
So instead of mourning what I lost on this day six years ago, I choose to celebrate the freedom that I gained. Freedom and I have been together for six years today. Happy Anniversary to me!
I've also been working at Spokane 911 for a year today. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm grateful to HAVE a job because being unemployed was incredibly stressful!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Does that make me crazy?
The radio station I listen to on my way to work in the mornings has a "Does That Make Me Crazy?" spot on Thursday mornings where listeners can call in and expose a quirk they have. I love listening to it because some days, it makes me feel like I'm not so crazy after all. And then some weeks I know I've got them all beat. Here is just a small sample of some of my quirks (in no particular order):
1. I HATE the way flour feels on my skin. It makes my skin crawl and my joints ache! And just THINKING about it makes my hands hurt.
2. I can't share dairy products with anyone! Ice cream, cheese, milk, yogurt, etc... I just can't do it. Not even with my boyfriend who I can swap spit with any other time of day. But when milk is involved, it just grosses me out. Milk leaves this mucus-like film in your mouth and when that is shared, it just seems to get thicker and nastier and .... well, I'm going to vomit if I don't stop so enough said!
3. I like to have everything in odd numbers. If I grab a handful of nuts or candies, I must have an odd number. I don't like even numbers.
4. I have to eat yogurt with a plastic spoon. If I use silverware, it seems to give the yogurt a metallic taste.
5. My phone has a little blue star that flashes to let me know if I have any text, picture, voice messages or emails. I hate seeing it flash so I always have to clear it out.
6. I only like to eat with small spoons and big forks.
7. Papers on my desk drive me crazy! I have an inbox for a reason, people!!!
8. I "edit" everything I read and hear. If people only knew how much I was critiquing their grammar, punctuation and spelling, they'd probably never let me read anything or even speak to me.
9. There is a right way to load the dishwasher and if it isn't done right, I have to take everything out and re-do it.
10. My boyfriend pointed out to me a while back that when I eat, I eat one thing at a time. If we are having steak, mashed potatoes, salad and rolls, I finish all of one thing before I start on another.
11. I MUST have a straw in my drink, even my water, if I am at a restaurant or if I'm drinking something with ice. Partly because my teeth are temperature sensative and partly because I don't trust that the glasses are clean and I don't want someone else's lip jizz all over my mouth!
12. I LOVE IRONING! I used to iron everything I wore every day... except undies of course. Shorts, t-shirts, tank tops, work clothes... I also use to iron my curtains and my sheets if I had let them sit in the dryer too long and they wrinkled. I sold my iron and ironing board and broke myself of my addiction in 2004, but when I go to a hotel or when I house-sit, I iron everything I can.
13. I think one of the grossest things ever is when I breathe in someone else's breath. If I yawn and someone's breath gets in my mouth, it makes me want to vomit. If I ever had to have mouth-to-mouth, I'd probably revive only to gag to death!
I know there are more, but that's all for now, folks!
1. I HATE the way flour feels on my skin. It makes my skin crawl and my joints ache! And just THINKING about it makes my hands hurt.
2. I can't share dairy products with anyone! Ice cream, cheese, milk, yogurt, etc... I just can't do it. Not even with my boyfriend who I can swap spit with any other time of day. But when milk is involved, it just grosses me out. Milk leaves this mucus-like film in your mouth and when that is shared, it just seems to get thicker and nastier and .... well, I'm going to vomit if I don't stop so enough said!
3. I like to have everything in odd numbers. If I grab a handful of nuts or candies, I must have an odd number. I don't like even numbers.
4. I have to eat yogurt with a plastic spoon. If I use silverware, it seems to give the yogurt a metallic taste.
5. My phone has a little blue star that flashes to let me know if I have any text, picture, voice messages or emails. I hate seeing it flash so I always have to clear it out.
6. I only like to eat with small spoons and big forks.
7. Papers on my desk drive me crazy! I have an inbox for a reason, people!!!
8. I "edit" everything I read and hear. If people only knew how much I was critiquing their grammar, punctuation and spelling, they'd probably never let me read anything or even speak to me.
9. There is a right way to load the dishwasher and if it isn't done right, I have to take everything out and re-do it.
10. My boyfriend pointed out to me a while back that when I eat, I eat one thing at a time. If we are having steak, mashed potatoes, salad and rolls, I finish all of one thing before I start on another.
11. I MUST have a straw in my drink, even my water, if I am at a restaurant or if I'm drinking something with ice. Partly because my teeth are temperature sensative and partly because I don't trust that the glasses are clean and I don't want someone else's lip jizz all over my mouth!
12. I LOVE IRONING! I used to iron everything I wore every day... except undies of course. Shorts, t-shirts, tank tops, work clothes... I also use to iron my curtains and my sheets if I had let them sit in the dryer too long and they wrinkled. I sold my iron and ironing board and broke myself of my addiction in 2004, but when I go to a hotel or when I house-sit, I iron everything I can.
13. I think one of the grossest things ever is when I breathe in someone else's breath. If I yawn and someone's breath gets in my mouth, it makes me want to vomit. If I ever had to have mouth-to-mouth, I'd probably revive only to gag to death!
I know there are more, but that's all for now, folks!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
A day in the life...
Today was busy! I had an appointment for a hair cut at 9:15 at Glen Dow Academy. I specifically requested a stylist/student "upstairs" since they are close to graduation and have a lot more expereince. The receptionist confirmed my appointment, but when I checked in today, I was paired with a student that only recently graduated from manequins to human heads. All I wanted was a trim, you know, to get rid of the pesky split ends, so I didn't make a fuss about it. It took her an hour and a half to TRIM my hair, blow dry and flat iron it. That was annoying! And it made me late for my bra fitting appointment.
Okay, so I've never had a real bra-fitting before so I was a little intimidated being stuffed in a dressing room with this cute little early-20's, A-cup, 95 lb., brunette barbie doll. She was super nice though and very professional. She asked me what size I normally wear so I told her a 36/38 DD/DDD. After bringing in a fit-bra and me not even coming close to being able to squeeze the girls in, she politely excused herself to go find a bigger size. The next one she brought in fit almost perfectly and she said "I wont even tell you what size this is unless you want me to." I assumed it would be a little bigger than what I was currently wearing so I guessed an "F." How she didn't bust up laughing in my face, I'll never know. She looked at me and said, "No, you are an H. H for Hottie!" I almost cried. After bringing in several H cups and all of them being too big for me, I found a little consolation in the fact that I am actually a G cup. That little rise above dispair ended after trying on 8 or 10 bras and realizing that the cheapest one was almost $70! The whole experience was heart-breaking and just confirmed my decision to bite the bullet and get a breast reduction. If all goes as planned, I'll be getting the surgery this fall! A 36/G is just way too big. Although different stores and different brands have different sizing scales, I was unhappy even with the DD/DDD size that I thought I was.
The day got a little better at my hash run. If you know me well, you already know what that is and no, it has nothing to do with "hash" or any illegal substances. It was nice to let loose a little bit, but as I was running, two punk kids saw me and yelled, "hit that mexican asphalt, b!tc#!" Okay, I don't really know what that means, but seriously, where are the manners and simple respect for others? To call a complete stranger a "b!tc#" when she is just minding her own business and not bothering anyone... I still consider myself a youngster (31 here), but kids these days never cease to amaze me with their rudeness, vulgarity and lack of common decency. If you ask me, it has a lot to do with the lack of discipline they receive(d). My dad would have bent me over his knee and whooped my ass until it bled if I was ever rude like that. And then, he'd make me apologize no matter how humiliated I was, regardless of how old I was!
I half-hoped I would see Ken today. I knew his friend would bail on him -- he always does. That is one thing Ken and I have in common; a lot of flaky friends. Don't get me wrong, we've got good, reliable friends too, but we get stood up by others OFTEN. Anyways, I knew the dude would bail so I half-expected him to drive over here since I can't drive over to Moses Lake because I have plans in the morning... but he decided to stay home. I'm sad, disappointed, but that's what I get for getting my hopes up based on assumptions.
Had dinner tonight with Amanda and Sophia... I love those girls. I don't love Chili's, but it was good to spend some time with them. They are always good for laughs and smiles!
And on that note, I'm signing off.
Okay, so I've never had a real bra-fitting before so I was a little intimidated being stuffed in a dressing room with this cute little early-20's, A-cup, 95 lb., brunette barbie doll. She was super nice though and very professional. She asked me what size I normally wear so I told her a 36/38 DD/DDD. After bringing in a fit-bra and me not even coming close to being able to squeeze the girls in, she politely excused herself to go find a bigger size. The next one she brought in fit almost perfectly and she said "I wont even tell you what size this is unless you want me to." I assumed it would be a little bigger than what I was currently wearing so I guessed an "F." How she didn't bust up laughing in my face, I'll never know. She looked at me and said, "No, you are an H. H for Hottie!" I almost cried. After bringing in several H cups and all of them being too big for me, I found a little consolation in the fact that I am actually a G cup. That little rise above dispair ended after trying on 8 or 10 bras and realizing that the cheapest one was almost $70! The whole experience was heart-breaking and just confirmed my decision to bite the bullet and get a breast reduction. If all goes as planned, I'll be getting the surgery this fall! A 36/G is just way too big. Although different stores and different brands have different sizing scales, I was unhappy even with the DD/DDD size that I thought I was.
The day got a little better at my hash run. If you know me well, you already know what that is and no, it has nothing to do with "hash" or any illegal substances. It was nice to let loose a little bit, but as I was running, two punk kids saw me and yelled, "hit that mexican asphalt, b!tc#!" Okay, I don't really know what that means, but seriously, where are the manners and simple respect for others? To call a complete stranger a "b!tc#" when she is just minding her own business and not bothering anyone... I still consider myself a youngster (31 here), but kids these days never cease to amaze me with their rudeness, vulgarity and lack of common decency. If you ask me, it has a lot to do with the lack of discipline they receive(d). My dad would have bent me over his knee and whooped my ass until it bled if I was ever rude like that. And then, he'd make me apologize no matter how humiliated I was, regardless of how old I was!
I half-hoped I would see Ken today. I knew his friend would bail on him -- he always does. That is one thing Ken and I have in common; a lot of flaky friends. Don't get me wrong, we've got good, reliable friends too, but we get stood up by others OFTEN. Anyways, I knew the dude would bail so I half-expected him to drive over here since I can't drive over to Moses Lake because I have plans in the morning... but he decided to stay home. I'm sad, disappointed, but that's what I get for getting my hopes up based on assumptions.
Had dinner tonight with Amanda and Sophia... I love those girls. I don't love Chili's, but it was good to spend some time with them. They are always good for laughs and smiles!
And on that note, I'm signing off.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Me Time - Random Musings
Monday it was decided that I would join my bosses at the State meeting this week in Poulsbo, WA. Booked my travel plans and worked my ass off to get everything done Monday and Tuesday. Everything else will have to wait until next week.
Today we flew to Seattle, took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and one of the bosses dropped me at the hotel while she went to meetings I didn't need to attend. If I had known I wasn't required at any meetings today, I would have worn jeans instead of the cute dress, leggings and heels. What a waste of a cute outfit. Anyway, she was supposed to be done by 6:45, but her meeting when long and she ended up having to attend a Chapter Dinner so I'm on my own without wheels. My options are: smoky casino, smoky bar, smoky restaurant or my comfy non-smoking hotel room, free internet access & tv (but no room service). So here I am...
Speaking of comfort, one thing I love about hotels is being able to set the temperature at MY comfort level without regard to what it's going to do to my electric bill. Hello 75 degrees! And I love turning on the country music television channels and leaving them on ALL NIGHT LONG...
I'm regretting eating that nasty Reuben sandwich for lunch. Now I'm not in the mood for dinner and they were advertising a pretty yummy looking 4-course dinner for $18! Hopefully I wake up early enough for the continental breakfast.
I am indescribably angry with my mother right now. And for those who were wondering why my family updates are public posts, I'm at the point that I don't really care who reads it... maybe someone somewhere will have some ideas or options I haven't thought of yet. At any rate, I don't really know what to do with my anger at this point.
Trying to book our Juneau travel for July. Time for my man to meet my family (what's left of it) and see where I spent my Jr. High, High School and Married years. Even with a $50 companion pass, it's gonna cost over $600 just for airfare. Hopefully we'll be able to find a place to stay and a car to borrow so we don't have to pay for hotel and rental. With all of my siblings' families growing, there are no extra rooms to be found.
This long distance relationship thing is taking its toll on me. Yeah, I know we only live an hour and a half away, but it's getting old. Not to mention the fact that it seems to increase my insecurities. I love Ken... I think he's worth it... Let's just hope I don't fall back into the old "sabotage mode" again.
Almost every day I think of at least two really good blog topics and have something to say, but by the time I get home, I'm done in. I miss being able to express myself.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a breast reduction later this year. Probably in the fall...
I'm weary. (and not just because my boobs are weighing me down!)
Today we flew to Seattle, took the ferry to Bainbridge Island and one of the bosses dropped me at the hotel while she went to meetings I didn't need to attend. If I had known I wasn't required at any meetings today, I would have worn jeans instead of the cute dress, leggings and heels. What a waste of a cute outfit. Anyway, she was supposed to be done by 6:45, but her meeting when long and she ended up having to attend a Chapter Dinner so I'm on my own without wheels. My options are: smoky casino, smoky bar, smoky restaurant or my comfy non-smoking hotel room, free internet access & tv (but no room service). So here I am...
Speaking of comfort, one thing I love about hotels is being able to set the temperature at MY comfort level without regard to what it's going to do to my electric bill. Hello 75 degrees! And I love turning on the country music television channels and leaving them on ALL NIGHT LONG...
I'm regretting eating that nasty Reuben sandwich for lunch. Now I'm not in the mood for dinner and they were advertising a pretty yummy looking 4-course dinner for $18! Hopefully I wake up early enough for the continental breakfast.
I am indescribably angry with my mother right now. And for those who were wondering why my family updates are public posts, I'm at the point that I don't really care who reads it... maybe someone somewhere will have some ideas or options I haven't thought of yet. At any rate, I don't really know what to do with my anger at this point.
Trying to book our Juneau travel for July. Time for my man to meet my family (what's left of it) and see where I spent my Jr. High, High School and Married years. Even with a $50 companion pass, it's gonna cost over $600 just for airfare. Hopefully we'll be able to find a place to stay and a car to borrow so we don't have to pay for hotel and rental. With all of my siblings' families growing, there are no extra rooms to be found.
This long distance relationship thing is taking its toll on me. Yeah, I know we only live an hour and a half away, but it's getting old. Not to mention the fact that it seems to increase my insecurities. I love Ken... I think he's worth it... Let's just hope I don't fall back into the old "sabotage mode" again.
Almost every day I think of at least two really good blog topics and have something to say, but by the time I get home, I'm done in. I miss being able to express myself.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to get a breast reduction later this year. Probably in the fall...
I'm weary. (and not just because my boobs are weighing me down!)
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Vacation
A few months ago, I decided I was going to try to take a vacation. I really had my heart set on Mexico since I hadn't been in almost four years. I was able to get a week off work and so was Ken. The money just wasn't there for Mexico though and then Ken thought he may have to cancel part of his vacation because of things going on at work. I figured we'd just go somewhere close for two or three days.
Ken knows I love the Oregon Coast so he found a vacation rental in Depoe Bay and booked 4 nights. I have been excited, but the family issues have dampened that a bit. I know I need some time to just relax without the work stresses and family stresses. I drove to Moses Lake Friday night after work. Saturday, we left around noon and drove to Lake Oswego and stayed the night there. Then Sunday we drove the rest of the way to Depoe Bay.
This Valentine's Day was the best I've ever had in my life. We decided to stay in and watched the sunset from the hot tub. Later we cooked pork chops and ate dinner by the fireplace. We exchanged cards and I gave him a new little point-and-shoot camera since his is old and just doesn't take very good pictures. He loved it!
Yesterday we decided to drive down the coast a bit and stopped several places along the way. We visited the Yaquina Head Lighthouse, drove through the historic bay part of Newport, walked on the beach at Ona Beach State Park, and had a late lunch in Waldport. On the drive back to Depoe Bay, we stopped so I could taste a few wines at the Flying Dutchman Winery. We arrived back in Depoe Bay right as the rain started, but decided to walk around downtown and visit a few of the shops and another winery.
It was a great day, full of laughter and easy conversation. I was exhausted by the time we got back. I fell asleep watching the waves.
We both need this to be a time of relaxation and restoration. It's been a hard few months for us doing the long distance thing, both of us dealing with more work stresses lately and me dealing with my family drama.
I've been awake for a few hours and it's been very cloudy and gray. Ken just woke up and I'm seeing a few patches of blue sky. I think we'll cook a big breakfast, but nothing past that is planned.
Ken knows I love the Oregon Coast so he found a vacation rental in Depoe Bay and booked 4 nights. I have been excited, but the family issues have dampened that a bit. I know I need some time to just relax without the work stresses and family stresses. I drove to Moses Lake Friday night after work. Saturday, we left around noon and drove to Lake Oswego and stayed the night there. Then Sunday we drove the rest of the way to Depoe Bay.
This Valentine's Day was the best I've ever had in my life. We decided to stay in and watched the sunset from the hot tub. Later we cooked pork chops and ate dinner by the fireplace. We exchanged cards and I gave him a new little point-and-shoot camera since his is old and just doesn't take very good pictures. He loved it!
Yesterday we decided to drive down the coast a bit and stopped several places along the way. We visited the Yaquina Head Lighthouse, drove through the historic bay part of Newport, walked on the beach at Ona Beach State Park, and had a late lunch in Waldport. On the drive back to Depoe Bay, we stopped so I could taste a few wines at the Flying Dutchman Winery. We arrived back in Depoe Bay right as the rain started, but decided to walk around downtown and visit a few of the shops and another winery.
It was a great day, full of laughter and easy conversation. I was exhausted by the time we got back. I fell asleep watching the waves.
We both need this to be a time of relaxation and restoration. It's been a hard few months for us doing the long distance thing, both of us dealing with more work stresses lately and me dealing with my family drama.
I've been awake for a few hours and it's been very cloudy and gray. Ken just woke up and I'm seeing a few patches of blue sky. I think we'll cook a big breakfast, but nothing past that is planned.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Those of you who have been around me a while, have probably read this many times because I post it every now and again just as a reminder. Every single one of my friends know that I call myself a Christian. They also know that I am human and that I don't always live up to the expectations that people have set for Christ followers and that I don't even always agree with fellow believers.
One of my favorite quotes is: "I do not live for what the world thinks of me, but for what I think of myself." ~Jack London. Like I told a woman today who ultimately decided to "unfriend" me on facebook, if you are offended by me, my entries or the way I live my life in general, feel free to "unfriend" me. It wont hurt my feelings one bit. I need people in my corner who encourage me without judging me, who stand by me through all the ugliness that comes along with being human and who LOVE me in spite of my imperfections. If you are not capable of this type of friendship, I understand and I wish you the best.
Here is my all-time favorite poem. Enjoy.
When I say "I am a Christian"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it
When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name
When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved
~Carol Wimmer
One of my favorite quotes is: "I do not live for what the world thinks of me, but for what I think of myself." ~Jack London. Like I told a woman today who ultimately decided to "unfriend" me on facebook, if you are offended by me, my entries or the way I live my life in general, feel free to "unfriend" me. It wont hurt my feelings one bit. I need people in my corner who encourage me without judging me, who stand by me through all the ugliness that comes along with being human and who LOVE me in spite of my imperfections. If you are not capable of this type of friendship, I understand and I wish you the best.
Here is my all-time favorite poem. Enjoy.
When I say "I am a Christian"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not shouting, "I've been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost! That's why I chose this way"
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed and cannot ever pay the debt
When I say, "I am a Christian," I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion asking humbly to be taught
When I say, "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are far too visible but God believes I'm worth it
When I say, "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache which is why I seek His name
When I say, "I am a Christian," I do not wish to judge
I have no authority--I only know I'm loved
~Carol Wimmer
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