Two small but very significant words... The addition of one and the elimination of the other from my vocabulary over the last year has impacted my thoughts, feelings and attitude for the worse.
Word 1: Can't
The more I use this word, the more I believe it. "I can't seem to get ahead." "I can't do anything right." "I can't get out of debt." "I can't find a decent man." "I can't find a better job." "I can't do this." "I can't afford that." "I can't have the life I desire." "I can't win." "I can't..." "I can't..." "I can't..."
Incorporating this word into my daily vocabulary and thought process has robbed me of my joy and hope, destroyed my confidence and left me feeling consumed by despair, discouraged, incomplete, depressed, lost, cynical, undesirable and worthless.
Word 2: Yet
A word indicating persistence and hope while still allowing one to be realistic and honest about a current situation. "I don't have the life I want YET." "I am not out of debt YET." "I haven't found my dream job YET." "I am not YET able to afford that." "I'm not whole YET."
During a blunt and brutally honest conversation with a dear friend a few months ago, I poured my heart out to her about how hopeless and worthless my life felt. After listening to a tirade of all that I can't do and don't have and am unable to offer, she simply whispered the word "yet." She reminded me that although all those things may be true in this moment, it doesn't mean this is the way it will always be. There is hope - but I must be persistent. She also reminded me of the power of my words. The tongue holds the power of life and death.
When I start noticing despair creeping back into my life and my attitude plummeting, I have to listen to what I'm saying (or not saying, as the case may be). I've never been a very negative person, but lately I've had to stop myself, check my vocabulary and make a conscious effort to choose words of hope.
It's been a rough year - the darkest I've seen. There have been moments I've felt myself sinking into an abyss so dark I lost all perception of even which way was up. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn and though this night is not yet over, I'm looking forward to the morning, knowing the sun WILL rise again, the shadows WILL be illuminated and I WILL feel the warmth of the sun on my face once again.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Friendship
Often misattributed to George Eliot, the following quote by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik in her book A Life for a Life (1859) is a favorite of mine and has been stuck in my head for a couple days.
"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject, with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
I pray that someday, I become the type of friend, trusted and capable of doing just that. And though I know I have been blessed with people in my life that love me deeply, I hope someday that I will experience that comfort of "having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words" with someone - and truly allow them to know all of me.
"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearlessly on any subject, with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and then with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
I pray that someday, I become the type of friend, trusted and capable of doing just that. And though I know I have been blessed with people in my life that love me deeply, I hope someday that I will experience that comfort of "having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words" with someone - and truly allow them to know all of me.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Christians: The Greatest Cause of Atheism
I was playing poker last night with a bunch of guys that I'm just now getting to know a little and somehow, the topic of Christianity came up. Stories were shared about our experiences with Christians (I think 2 of us at the table are believers) and how so many people are turned off by Christians and their judgmental attitudes and hypocrisy. One of the guys (the other believer) mentioned that he believed the saying that "the single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians."
It reminded me of something that happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was at an Irish Pub, standing outside on the patio talking to people. I did not have a beer in hand, was not intoxicated (though I had consumed probably 2 beers so far that evening). I was just standing there talking and laughing with a group of people. A gentleman who was walking down the street approached the patio and started talking to a guy he knew. Then he saw me and for some reason, pointed at me and began telling me that I was in sin, that I have power and that I was leading others astray. I stopped, questioned his statements and asked how he could make a judgment like that of someone he didn't know and who didn't even have a drink in hand. I told him that I was a Christian and that I love God and although I will never profess perfection, I try to do the best I can. He said that by even being in a bar, I was a hypocrite and by drinking anything with alcohol, I was in sin. My first instinct was to argue with him that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine and that he was often judged for the people he hung out with and loved - common people, sinners. Others were standing around listening and I have to say, my spirit was grieved. This interaction between two totally different people, both proclaiming to be Christians, both with completely different view points and approaches had to be confusing. I ended up biting my tongue, choosing not to argue and walking away.
The thing is, nothing I can *do* will be enough. It is only by the grace of God that I am saved. But that being said, I also know that because most people have a certain perspective of Christians and what they should and shouldn't do, I am probably often viewed as a fake. I don't live by the "don't drink, smoke or chew or go with the boys who do" philosophy. I do drink. Quite a few of the people that I consider friends and many people who I hang out with are not believers. It is not uncommon to find me in a bar - playing poker, listening to karaoke, hanging out with friends, having a good time.
There is a balance though. The rest of the quote that the guy at the poker table referenced is: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." ~Brennan Manning
I am nowhere near perfect. I struggle with sin daily. Some days I lose the battle. I am a hypocrite. Not intentionally - I believe one way and would love to be strong enough to ALWAYS live a perfect life and rise above, but my actions do not always back up my words. I am not perfect. I will fail. I will disappoint you and God. I will not always live up to the standards that I have set for myself or that others hold me to. I will fall. But I guarantee you this - I will get up again and again and again and keep trying, keep perservering, keep learning until I reach the finish line.
Until then, I hope that my heart speaks louder than my words or actions. I hope that my lifestyle reflects LOVE first and foremost. I hope that in my humanity, I am not causing someone to stumble or turn away from God and Christianity. I hope I'm not a cause of atheism.
It reminded me of something that happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was at an Irish Pub, standing outside on the patio talking to people. I did not have a beer in hand, was not intoxicated (though I had consumed probably 2 beers so far that evening). I was just standing there talking and laughing with a group of people. A gentleman who was walking down the street approached the patio and started talking to a guy he knew. Then he saw me and for some reason, pointed at me and began telling me that I was in sin, that I have power and that I was leading others astray. I stopped, questioned his statements and asked how he could make a judgment like that of someone he didn't know and who didn't even have a drink in hand. I told him that I was a Christian and that I love God and although I will never profess perfection, I try to do the best I can. He said that by even being in a bar, I was a hypocrite and by drinking anything with alcohol, I was in sin. My first instinct was to argue with him that Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine and that he was often judged for the people he hung out with and loved - common people, sinners. Others were standing around listening and I have to say, my spirit was grieved. This interaction between two totally different people, both proclaiming to be Christians, both with completely different view points and approaches had to be confusing. I ended up biting my tongue, choosing not to argue and walking away.
The thing is, nothing I can *do* will be enough. It is only by the grace of God that I am saved. But that being said, I also know that because most people have a certain perspective of Christians and what they should and shouldn't do, I am probably often viewed as a fake. I don't live by the "don't drink, smoke or chew or go with the boys who do" philosophy. I do drink. Quite a few of the people that I consider friends and many people who I hang out with are not believers. It is not uncommon to find me in a bar - playing poker, listening to karaoke, hanging out with friends, having a good time.
There is a balance though. The rest of the quote that the guy at the poker table referenced is: "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips and walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." ~Brennan Manning
I am nowhere near perfect. I struggle with sin daily. Some days I lose the battle. I am a hypocrite. Not intentionally - I believe one way and would love to be strong enough to ALWAYS live a perfect life and rise above, but my actions do not always back up my words. I am not perfect. I will fail. I will disappoint you and God. I will not always live up to the standards that I have set for myself or that others hold me to. I will fall. But I guarantee you this - I will get up again and again and again and keep trying, keep perservering, keep learning until I reach the finish line.
Until then, I hope that my heart speaks louder than my words or actions. I hope that my lifestyle reflects LOVE first and foremost. I hope that in my humanity, I am not causing someone to stumble or turn away from God and Christianity. I hope I'm not a cause of atheism.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Losing Faith
"I'm pregnant." "I miscarried." "I'm getting a divorce."
That's all I seem to be hearing lately. It's sad. Four women in my office have gotten pregnant this year, three have miscarried, including one of my best friends. Three people in my church have gotten pregnant in the last few months, two have miscarried. My little sister (age 19) just found out she is pregnant...
Divorces seem to be as rampant as miscarriages... Two of my close friends are going through it right now. One has been married for just over 2 years, the other has been married almost as long, but this is her 2nd divorce. How do you not lose faith in marriage when everyone around you is getting divorced?
I feel like I'm losing faith in a lot of things - losing hope all together. Depression sucks - you can't fake yourself better.
That's all I seem to be hearing lately. It's sad. Four women in my office have gotten pregnant this year, three have miscarried, including one of my best friends. Three people in my church have gotten pregnant in the last few months, two have miscarried. My little sister (age 19) just found out she is pregnant...
Divorces seem to be as rampant as miscarriages... Two of my close friends are going through it right now. One has been married for just over 2 years, the other has been married almost as long, but this is her 2nd divorce. How do you not lose faith in marriage when everyone around you is getting divorced?
I feel like I'm losing faith in a lot of things - losing hope all together. Depression sucks - you can't fake yourself better.
Friday, September 5, 2008
When Harry Met Sally?
I am pretty sure I've touched on this topic in the past, but I don't feel like scanning the archives so I'll bring it up again. Not like I expect a response, but input is always appreciated...
Can men and women really be platonic friends? It's a question that was brought up continually throughout the movie When Harry Met Sally.
Just when I think - YES!!! Women and men CAN, in fact, be platonic friends, the male friends in my life start proving me wrong. I have a friend who has been a wonderful friend to me over the last [almost] four years - and he just confessed to me that he has always felt that I was special (duh! just kidding) and that he wishes things were different. I visited him when John and I went to the coast in May on our skydiving trip and he told me today that he was so disappointed that I was with John because he was very excited when he found out I was in his neck of the woods and he really wanted to spend some one-on-one time with me.
He was concerned that by telling me this, I'd be freaked out, but I'm not. I'm just kind of sad. I'm trying to decide how to react. Do I back off - I mean, I share a lot about my life with him and he reciprocates. I've known a couple of his girlfriends and he has met a few of the men who have actually had a place in my life. We talk openly about a lot of things, though I am still pretty guarded about others. So I just wonder how this relationship will change. I don't want to encourage any strong feelings from him or strengthen them in any way. But I also don't want to lose a friend for whom I care very deeply.
Crap... you know - I think WOMEN can be friends with MEN, but MEN can't be friends with WOMEN...
In other news - I'm struggling with some stuff I don't have time to write about... Your prayers are coveted.
Can men and women really be platonic friends? It's a question that was brought up continually throughout the movie When Harry Met Sally.
Just when I think - YES!!! Women and men CAN, in fact, be platonic friends, the male friends in my life start proving me wrong. I have a friend who has been a wonderful friend to me over the last [almost] four years - and he just confessed to me that he has always felt that I was special (duh! just kidding) and that he wishes things were different. I visited him when John and I went to the coast in May on our skydiving trip and he told me today that he was so disappointed that I was with John because he was very excited when he found out I was in his neck of the woods and he really wanted to spend some one-on-one time with me.
He was concerned that by telling me this, I'd be freaked out, but I'm not. I'm just kind of sad. I'm trying to decide how to react. Do I back off - I mean, I share a lot about my life with him and he reciprocates. I've known a couple of his girlfriends and he has met a few of the men who have actually had a place in my life. We talk openly about a lot of things, though I am still pretty guarded about others. So I just wonder how this relationship will change. I don't want to encourage any strong feelings from him or strengthen them in any way. But I also don't want to lose a friend for whom I care very deeply.
Crap... you know - I think WOMEN can be friends with MEN, but MEN can't be friends with WOMEN...
In other news - I'm struggling with some stuff I don't have time to write about... Your prayers are coveted.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Lessons
WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!!
Why is that such a difficult lesson to learn?
Because I want to believe the best about people. And I want others to believe the best in me, regardless of what I am showing them.
Because I'm afraid people will see who I am, the things I've done, my weaknesses - and they'll hold it against me.
Because I believe in giving second chances - and third, and fourth, and... because I've been given more chances than I deserve.
I have learned to guard my heart (okay, so it's practically Fort Knox) so that when someone fails me, it doesn't affect me so deeply. I'm not saying this is the best way of dealing, but right about now, I'm grateful for my walls.
Why is that such a difficult lesson to learn?
Because I want to believe the best about people. And I want others to believe the best in me, regardless of what I am showing them.
Because I'm afraid people will see who I am, the things I've done, my weaknesses - and they'll hold it against me.
Because I believe in giving second chances - and third, and fourth, and... because I've been given more chances than I deserve.
I have learned to guard my heart (okay, so it's practically Fort Knox) so that when someone fails me, it doesn't affect me so deeply. I'm not saying this is the best way of dealing, but right about now, I'm grateful for my walls.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Too Many
Maybe I really am too picky... Or maybe they guy I'm looking for simply doesn't exist... Or maybe he does, but just not in Spokane.
I know I shouldn't complain. I've been getting a lot of male attention lately. I haven't ever really had a problem meeting them, but for so long, they were all married, homeless, or old enough to be my dad. Then for a while they were all married, homeless, old or lived out of state. Lately, they are single/divorced, gainfully employed, between the ages of 30 and 40 and local. Some are attractive and fit, others - not so much. Couple of them have kids. All of them lately seem very nice, intelligent, talented. A couple of them are looking for something long term and serious and see me filling that role in their lives. One of them seems to like me a lot, but due to a particularly painful divorce and a lot of issues he's had to overcome and the fact that he has young children, he has no interest in a serious relationship. He intends to stay single/emotionally unattached - but is still very open about his attraction to me.
Last night I went to a wedding with a friend from Juneau. She has family in Liberty Lake and her nephew was getting married so she brought me along as her "hot date." I had a great time at the reception and met a lot of great people, including a handful of single men. Vicki was trying to hook me up with her brother, then this other guy she knew, then the groom came over and told me that another guy wanted to meet me and a few others approached me too. Vicki's sister made the comment that I could have any guy I wanted... If she only knew.
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered by the attention and the compliments, but I don't want any of those men. They all lack the one thing that is the most important to me - a relationship with God. I've always felt that was the one thing I don't want to compromise on. I've dated a few guys who were not Christians and it really does make a big difference. I don't judge a guy for not being "religious" or for having different beliefs than me, but if I'm going to eventually fall in love with and marry someone - it's important that we are on the same page about the important things in our lives. It's difficult to not give up hope that this man exists and will eventually be brought into my life. It's hard not to just compromise and be with a man who is attractive, intelligent, successful, wonderful and who cares deeply about me. I wish that were enough for me. Lord knows these men have women standing in line waiting for a chance - most single women in this town would do anything for the attention of a couple of these men.
I'm getting a lot of pressure or "advice" from friends who tell me to just go for it and have fun. Stop over-thinking and just go with the flow. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy, but just date him for a while. This is another concept I can't really grasp. I've always felt that dating is ultimately looking for your mate... If I already know someone doesn't have the most important quality I want in a man, why bother going down that road at all? I'm just confused and frustrated and tired of being alone. I do have high standards, but I feel myself weakening - ready to just give up and settle... not good.
I know I shouldn't complain. I've been getting a lot of male attention lately. I haven't ever really had a problem meeting them, but for so long, they were all married, homeless, or old enough to be my dad. Then for a while they were all married, homeless, old or lived out of state. Lately, they are single/divorced, gainfully employed, between the ages of 30 and 40 and local. Some are attractive and fit, others - not so much. Couple of them have kids. All of them lately seem very nice, intelligent, talented. A couple of them are looking for something long term and serious and see me filling that role in their lives. One of them seems to like me a lot, but due to a particularly painful divorce and a lot of issues he's had to overcome and the fact that he has young children, he has no interest in a serious relationship. He intends to stay single/emotionally unattached - but is still very open about his attraction to me.
Last night I went to a wedding with a friend from Juneau. She has family in Liberty Lake and her nephew was getting married so she brought me along as her "hot date." I had a great time at the reception and met a lot of great people, including a handful of single men. Vicki was trying to hook me up with her brother, then this other guy she knew, then the groom came over and told me that another guy wanted to meet me and a few others approached me too. Vicki's sister made the comment that I could have any guy I wanted... If she only knew.
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered by the attention and the compliments, but I don't want any of those men. They all lack the one thing that is the most important to me - a relationship with God. I've always felt that was the one thing I don't want to compromise on. I've dated a few guys who were not Christians and it really does make a big difference. I don't judge a guy for not being "religious" or for having different beliefs than me, but if I'm going to eventually fall in love with and marry someone - it's important that we are on the same page about the important things in our lives. It's difficult to not give up hope that this man exists and will eventually be brought into my life. It's hard not to just compromise and be with a man who is attractive, intelligent, successful, wonderful and who cares deeply about me. I wish that were enough for me. Lord knows these men have women standing in line waiting for a chance - most single women in this town would do anything for the attention of a couple of these men.
I'm getting a lot of pressure or "advice" from friends who tell me to just go for it and have fun. Stop over-thinking and just go with the flow. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy, but just date him for a while. This is another concept I can't really grasp. I've always felt that dating is ultimately looking for your mate... If I already know someone doesn't have the most important quality I want in a man, why bother going down that road at all? I'm just confused and frustrated and tired of being alone. I do have high standards, but I feel myself weakening - ready to just give up and settle... not good.
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