Funny how inspiration strikes when I'm driving. Never when I'm staring at a computer screen or when I have a pen and paper handy. Maybe I should invest in a voice recorder so I can take advantage of those moments!

Work has been a little rough lately. Dealing with personnel issues, a payroll audit and some directives that I've had to respectfully disagree with has taken all my energy. I'll be happy when summer comes because even when work life sucks in the summer, I still have a few hours of glorious heat and sunshine to enjoy!

Today hit 80 degrees. I spent my 30 minute lunch break in my car with the moon roof open and the sun beating down on my face. I loved every second of it.

Growth

I have a friend, Chuck, who runs the karaoke at an old dive bar in Post Falls that I used to frequent. He took a break from it for a couple years and recently started back up. After several invitations to come out and visit, I finally did. As soon as I stepped through the front door, I saw two ladies sitting at the bar who I swear were in those exact seats the last time I walked out of that place talking to the same bartender. Not much had changed. Immediately, all these memories came rushing back. I used to refer to that place as my "Cheers" bar. I knew all the regulars and all the latest gossip. I was well liked, rarely had to pay for drinks and spent more time turning down invitations to dance than anything else. It was my comfort zone.

My, how things have changed! I spent a little over an hour nursing the same beer, sitting by an old guy I used to know. Every time I see him, he talks about the Philippines because he knows I lived there for a short time as a child and he was stationed there for a few years. And every time I see him, he reminds me that we share a birthday, although he was born 36 years before me. It was good to see him and Chuck, but I felt out of place, uncomfortable and flooded with memories of a lifetime ago.

Yes, it has only been a few short years in reality, but the girl that I was back then - lost, alone, hurting, desperate for a sense of of worth - I barely remember her. Chuck commented several times on how uncomfortable I seemed to be. All I could think of was how lucky I am to have gotten out. I could have easily turned into one of those girls at the bar, sitting on the same stool night after night, month after month, year after year.

I was rescued though... and although I missed that lifestyle, that place, those people for a long time, I have no desire to go back. I don't see anything wrong with enjoying a few drinks or going out and having a good time on ocassion. That isn't what I'm talking about. I still drink when I feel like it, but I'm at a different place now. I don't need to be out all the time, socializing, running away from my pain and loneliness. I don't need to drink to feel happy or at least numb. I am so thankful that God, through other people and circumstances, lifted me out of that pit I was in. I don't ever want to go back to the person I was.

God truly has blessed this broken road...

Wherever you kids are...

Know that I love you and I pray for you every day. I feel completely powerless and have no idea what to do to help you in your current situation... because I don't even know for sure where you are. But I hope that deep down, you know that your family loves you more than life itself and we would do ANYTHING for you.

Better Man

"You make me want to be a better man." "You've made me a better man." "I'm a better person when I'm with you (or because of you)."

Several men in my past have made similar comments. They've explained that by hanging around me, they are inspired to better themselves or to be better versions of themselves. Some of them went so far as to give up certain vices; some started volunteering or donating to charity organizations; some started going to church, living their faith and seeking a deeper relationship with God. Most of them began making positive changes in their lives. The first time I heard such a statement, I was deeply flattered and thought it was the best compliment I could have been paid. However, over time, the positive changes most of them made, have been reversed. They were temporary. Maybe they were inspired at that time and truly desired a lifestyle change. Maybe they were trying to impress me and change into the person they thought I wanted them to be. But regardless of their intentions, their long term actions did not support their statement.

I've heard a similar statement a few times in my present relationship. I know that he genuinely believes what he is saying. He has even made one significant change that I am aware of, but he is still very much the person I met in the beginning. Are there things about him I wish were different? YES! But I love him for WHO he is, in spite of what I consider to be his flaws. Lord knows I have more than my fair share!

If I'm with a man, I am with him because I like the man he is, not because I like the man he has the potential to be. Sure, I hope to be a good influence on all of the people I surround myself with, just as I hope they are good influences on me. I will encourage them, I will tell them when I am proud of them and I will communicate when they hurt me with their actions or life choices. But I do not choose to be with someone so that I can potentially help fix him or change him into something that he is not.

Precious few people in my life have ever made me want to strive to be a better woman (in fact, a few of them had the complete opposite affect on me). On the flip side of that statement, I do know that I am a better person for having known certain people. I make my own choices though, regardless of who is in my life. I choose to live my life to the best of my ability. I want the man in my life to encourage me, to see my potential and push me to set goals and reach them, but love me for who I am today. When I do something that hurts or bothers him in any way, I want him to communicate that to me. I want to better myself, but I want to do so FOR ME... to enrich my own life, subsequently enriching the lives of everyone who is or ever will be in my life, but NOT because I seek approval from a man.

All of that being said, these types of statements now grate on my nerves. I'm at the point where I don't want to know that someone thinks that. I want them to make healthy choices and positive changes because THEY want to better themselves, not because they want to impress me or because they think that is what I want. If someone changes FOR someone else, it's only a matter of time, before they fall back into their old ways - leading to even further disappointment. Actions speak louder than words. Don't tell me that I make you want to be a better man. Just choose to be a better man! When my guy chooses to make positive changes, I am there to support and encourage him, but only time will tell if there has been a genuine transformation.

I know that as relationships evolve, there are adjustments, compromises and a meshing together of two personalities. People become like who they associate with and ideally they change for the better. I'm just at the point where I don't want to HEAR it, I want to SEE it.

I am fortunate to have a good man. And I love him just as he is.

Lead Me

I heard a song on the radio the other day and the lyrics really affected me. It got me thinking on a train of thought that led to this.

As a woman and as a Christian with what some call "old fashioned" values, I want the man I marry to be a leader. I believe God has called men to be the spiritual leader of their family - to lead by example, in faith and in love. If I ever get married again, it is very important to me to have a man who will take my hand join me in my journey toward Christ. I want someone who will be strong when I am not; who will pray with me and seek God with me and who will encourage me in my walk with God. And if I do have children some day (heaven forbid), I want a man who will be a Godly father and lead his kids in the way of the ONE true God.

In the absence of a man's desire to follow Christ or step up to his role of the spiritual leader of a family, the woman often tries to take on that responsibility. I have been there myself! I don't believe that is what God intended. Yes, each one is responsible for his or her own actions and their own relationship with God, but it is truly the man's role to be the leader.

I do feel that I am a pretty strong woman. Regardless of the choices of whoever is in my life, I know that I am accountable to God for my actions and I try to hold myself to a particular standard. I'm FAR from perfect, but I do love God and I do have a personal realationship with Him. Like any relationship, sometimes I get lazy, take Him for granted and stray from the path, but I always return to him. It's lonely to feel like I'm on this journey alone sometimes, but I hope I never allow the lack of spiritual leadership in my life to be an excuse to stop following Christ on my own.


I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside I can hear her saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"
(Lyrics from Lead Me by Sanctus Real)

Happy Anniversary to ME!

Six years ago today, my divorce was finalized. That day seemed like the darkest day of my life and I've spent years dreading this day. But today, I am so grateful for my experiences and all that my previous marriage tought me. More importantly, I am thankful for my freedom! I cherish it, actually. All the things I've experienced, the places I've visited and the amazing people I've met over the past six years have enriched my life in ways I never could have imagined. None of it would have been possible if the divorce never happened.

So instead of mourning what I lost on this day six years ago, I choose to celebrate the freedom that I gained. Freedom and I have been together for six years today. Happy Anniversary to me!

I've also been working at Spokane 911 for a year today. Not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but I'm grateful to HAVE a job because being unemployed was incredibly stressful!

Does that make me crazy?

The radio station I listen to on my way to work in the mornings has a "Does That Make Me Crazy?" spot on Thursday mornings where listeners can call in and expose a quirk they have. I love listening to it because some days, it makes me feel like I'm not so crazy after all. And then some weeks I know I've got them all beat. Here is just a small sample of some of my quirks (in no particular order):

1. I HATE the way flour feels on my skin. It makes my skin crawl and my joints ache! And just THINKING about it makes my hands hurt.

2. I can't share dairy products with anyone! Ice cream, cheese, milk, yogurt, etc... I just can't do it. Not even with my boyfriend who I can swap spit with any other time of day. But when milk is involved, it just grosses me out. Milk leaves this mucus-like film in your mouth and when that is shared, it just seems to get thicker and nastier and .... well, I'm going to vomit if I don't stop so enough said!

3. I like to have everything in odd numbers. If I grab a handful of nuts or candies, I must have an odd number. I don't like even numbers.

4. I have to eat yogurt with a plastic spoon. If I use silverware, it seems to give the yogurt a metallic taste.

5. My phone has a little blue star that flashes to let me know if I have any text, picture, voice messages or emails. I hate seeing it flash so I always have to clear it out.

6. I only like to eat with small spoons and big forks.

7. Papers on my desk drive me crazy! I have an inbox for a reason, people!!!

8. I "edit" everything I read and hear. If people only knew how much I was critiquing their grammar, punctuation and spelling, they'd probably never let me read anything or even speak to me.

9. There is a right way to load the dishwasher and if it isn't done right, I have to take everything out and re-do it.

10. My boyfriend pointed out to me a while back that when I eat, I eat one thing at a time. If we are having steak, mashed potatoes, salad and rolls, I finish all of one thing before I start on another.

11. I MUST have a straw in my drink, even my water, if I am at a restaurant or if I'm drinking something with ice. Partly because my teeth are temperature sensative and partly because I don't trust that the glasses are clean and I don't want someone else's lip jizz all over my mouth!

12. I LOVE IRONING! I used to iron everything I wore every day... except undies of course. Shorts, t-shirts, tank tops, work clothes... I also use to iron my curtains and my sheets if I had let them sit in the dryer too long and they wrinkled. I sold my iron and ironing board and broke myself of my addiction in 2004, but when I go to a hotel or when I house-sit, I iron everything I can.

13. I think one of the grossest things ever is when I breathe in someone else's breath. If I yawn and someone's breath gets in my mouth, it makes me want to vomit. If I ever had to have mouth-to-mouth, I'd probably revive only to gag to death!

I know there are more, but that's all for now, folks!