"I'm pregnant." "I miscarried." "I'm getting a divorce."
That's all I seem to be hearing lately. It's sad. Four women in my office have gotten pregnant this year, three have miscarried, including one of my best friends. Three people in my church have gotten pregnant in the last few months, two have miscarried. My little sister (age 19) just found out she is pregnant...
Divorces seem to be as rampant as miscarriages... Two of my close friends are going through it right now. One has been married for just over 2 years, the other has been married almost as long, but this is her 2nd divorce. How do you not lose faith in marriage when everyone around you is getting divorced?
I feel like I'm losing faith in a lot of things - losing hope all together. Depression sucks - you can't fake yourself better.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
When Harry Met Sally?
I am pretty sure I've touched on this topic in the past, but I don't feel like scanning the archives so I'll bring it up again. Not like I expect a response, but input is always appreciated...
Can men and women really be platonic friends? It's a question that was brought up continually throughout the movie When Harry Met Sally.
Just when I think - YES!!! Women and men CAN, in fact, be platonic friends, the male friends in my life start proving me wrong. I have a friend who has been a wonderful friend to me over the last [almost] four years - and he just confessed to me that he has always felt that I was special (duh! just kidding) and that he wishes things were different. I visited him when John and I went to the coast in May on our skydiving trip and he told me today that he was so disappointed that I was with John because he was very excited when he found out I was in his neck of the woods and he really wanted to spend some one-on-one time with me.
He was concerned that by telling me this, I'd be freaked out, but I'm not. I'm just kind of sad. I'm trying to decide how to react. Do I back off - I mean, I share a lot about my life with him and he reciprocates. I've known a couple of his girlfriends and he has met a few of the men who have actually had a place in my life. We talk openly about a lot of things, though I am still pretty guarded about others. So I just wonder how this relationship will change. I don't want to encourage any strong feelings from him or strengthen them in any way. But I also don't want to lose a friend for whom I care very deeply.
Crap... you know - I think WOMEN can be friends with MEN, but MEN can't be friends with WOMEN...
In other news - I'm struggling with some stuff I don't have time to write about... Your prayers are coveted.
Can men and women really be platonic friends? It's a question that was brought up continually throughout the movie When Harry Met Sally.
Just when I think - YES!!! Women and men CAN, in fact, be platonic friends, the male friends in my life start proving me wrong. I have a friend who has been a wonderful friend to me over the last [almost] four years - and he just confessed to me that he has always felt that I was special (duh! just kidding) and that he wishes things were different. I visited him when John and I went to the coast in May on our skydiving trip and he told me today that he was so disappointed that I was with John because he was very excited when he found out I was in his neck of the woods and he really wanted to spend some one-on-one time with me.
He was concerned that by telling me this, I'd be freaked out, but I'm not. I'm just kind of sad. I'm trying to decide how to react. Do I back off - I mean, I share a lot about my life with him and he reciprocates. I've known a couple of his girlfriends and he has met a few of the men who have actually had a place in my life. We talk openly about a lot of things, though I am still pretty guarded about others. So I just wonder how this relationship will change. I don't want to encourage any strong feelings from him or strengthen them in any way. But I also don't want to lose a friend for whom I care very deeply.
Crap... you know - I think WOMEN can be friends with MEN, but MEN can't be friends with WOMEN...
In other news - I'm struggling with some stuff I don't have time to write about... Your prayers are coveted.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Lessons
WHEN SOMEONE SHOWS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!!!
Why is that such a difficult lesson to learn?
Because I want to believe the best about people. And I want others to believe the best in me, regardless of what I am showing them.
Because I'm afraid people will see who I am, the things I've done, my weaknesses - and they'll hold it against me.
Because I believe in giving second chances - and third, and fourth, and... because I've been given more chances than I deserve.
I have learned to guard my heart (okay, so it's practically Fort Knox) so that when someone fails me, it doesn't affect me so deeply. I'm not saying this is the best way of dealing, but right about now, I'm grateful for my walls.
Why is that such a difficult lesson to learn?
Because I want to believe the best about people. And I want others to believe the best in me, regardless of what I am showing them.
Because I'm afraid people will see who I am, the things I've done, my weaknesses - and they'll hold it against me.
Because I believe in giving second chances - and third, and fourth, and... because I've been given more chances than I deserve.
I have learned to guard my heart (okay, so it's practically Fort Knox) so that when someone fails me, it doesn't affect me so deeply. I'm not saying this is the best way of dealing, but right about now, I'm grateful for my walls.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Too Many
Maybe I really am too picky... Or maybe they guy I'm looking for simply doesn't exist... Or maybe he does, but just not in Spokane.
I know I shouldn't complain. I've been getting a lot of male attention lately. I haven't ever really had a problem meeting them, but for so long, they were all married, homeless, or old enough to be my dad. Then for a while they were all married, homeless, old or lived out of state. Lately, they are single/divorced, gainfully employed, between the ages of 30 and 40 and local. Some are attractive and fit, others - not so much. Couple of them have kids. All of them lately seem very nice, intelligent, talented. A couple of them are looking for something long term and serious and see me filling that role in their lives. One of them seems to like me a lot, but due to a particularly painful divorce and a lot of issues he's had to overcome and the fact that he has young children, he has no interest in a serious relationship. He intends to stay single/emotionally unattached - but is still very open about his attraction to me.
Last night I went to a wedding with a friend from Juneau. She has family in Liberty Lake and her nephew was getting married so she brought me along as her "hot date." I had a great time at the reception and met a lot of great people, including a handful of single men. Vicki was trying to hook me up with her brother, then this other guy she knew, then the groom came over and told me that another guy wanted to meet me and a few others approached me too. Vicki's sister made the comment that I could have any guy I wanted... If she only knew.
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered by the attention and the compliments, but I don't want any of those men. They all lack the one thing that is the most important to me - a relationship with God. I've always felt that was the one thing I don't want to compromise on. I've dated a few guys who were not Christians and it really does make a big difference. I don't judge a guy for not being "religious" or for having different beliefs than me, but if I'm going to eventually fall in love with and marry someone - it's important that we are on the same page about the important things in our lives. It's difficult to not give up hope that this man exists and will eventually be brought into my life. It's hard not to just compromise and be with a man who is attractive, intelligent, successful, wonderful and who cares deeply about me. I wish that were enough for me. Lord knows these men have women standing in line waiting for a chance - most single women in this town would do anything for the attention of a couple of these men.
I'm getting a lot of pressure or "advice" from friends who tell me to just go for it and have fun. Stop over-thinking and just go with the flow. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy, but just date him for a while. This is another concept I can't really grasp. I've always felt that dating is ultimately looking for your mate... If I already know someone doesn't have the most important quality I want in a man, why bother going down that road at all? I'm just confused and frustrated and tired of being alone. I do have high standards, but I feel myself weakening - ready to just give up and settle... not good.
I know I shouldn't complain. I've been getting a lot of male attention lately. I haven't ever really had a problem meeting them, but for so long, they were all married, homeless, or old enough to be my dad. Then for a while they were all married, homeless, old or lived out of state. Lately, they are single/divorced, gainfully employed, between the ages of 30 and 40 and local. Some are attractive and fit, others - not so much. Couple of them have kids. All of them lately seem very nice, intelligent, talented. A couple of them are looking for something long term and serious and see me filling that role in their lives. One of them seems to like me a lot, but due to a particularly painful divorce and a lot of issues he's had to overcome and the fact that he has young children, he has no interest in a serious relationship. He intends to stay single/emotionally unattached - but is still very open about his attraction to me.
Last night I went to a wedding with a friend from Juneau. She has family in Liberty Lake and her nephew was getting married so she brought me along as her "hot date." I had a great time at the reception and met a lot of great people, including a handful of single men. Vicki was trying to hook me up with her brother, then this other guy she knew, then the groom came over and told me that another guy wanted to meet me and a few others approached me too. Vicki's sister made the comment that I could have any guy I wanted... If she only knew.
Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered by the attention and the compliments, but I don't want any of those men. They all lack the one thing that is the most important to me - a relationship with God. I've always felt that was the one thing I don't want to compromise on. I've dated a few guys who were not Christians and it really does make a big difference. I don't judge a guy for not being "religious" or for having different beliefs than me, but if I'm going to eventually fall in love with and marry someone - it's important that we are on the same page about the important things in our lives. It's difficult to not give up hope that this man exists and will eventually be brought into my life. It's hard not to just compromise and be with a man who is attractive, intelligent, successful, wonderful and who cares deeply about me. I wish that were enough for me. Lord knows these men have women standing in line waiting for a chance - most single women in this town would do anything for the attention of a couple of these men.
I'm getting a lot of pressure or "advice" from friends who tell me to just go for it and have fun. Stop over-thinking and just go with the flow. It doesn't mean I have to marry the guy, but just date him for a while. This is another concept I can't really grasp. I've always felt that dating is ultimately looking for your mate... If I already know someone doesn't have the most important quality I want in a man, why bother going down that road at all? I'm just confused and frustrated and tired of being alone. I do have high standards, but I feel myself weakening - ready to just give up and settle... not good.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Confidence
Everyone has their own opinion on what is sexy. I think confidence is always sexy. There is just something about being comfortable in your own skin that draws people to you. Last night, a friend's band was playing at Pig Out In The Park so I sat on the ground to listen and people watch while enjoying the warmth of the early evening. As I was sitting there, I noticed a gal walk by. She was heavy set, wearing jeans and a little tank top with the skinny straps hanging off her shoulders, a sports bra underneath. So, this totally wasn't my idea of sexy style, but she had this little strut going on and a sassy little sway of the hips. You could tell she felt good about herself. A few minutes later, I noticed an older woman dancing by herself, totally comfortable dancing alone. Then there was a homeless man playing the air drums with such vigor. He couldn't contain himself so he dropped his back pack and just started dancin'! All around these people, there were others watching them, rolling their eyes, making disgusted faces, pointing and laughing. It's as if they didn't even notice though. They just kept doing their thing. Kudos to them.
It's such a stark contrast to most people I see. There are so many people who are constantly fidgeting, adjusting their clothing, nervously twirling their hair, shoulders hunched, head down. People who are never the first to laugh at a joke or step out on the dance floor or order their food - they follow along to make sure that what they are about to do is met with the approval of their peers. Then there are those with a false air of confidence. They are loud, trendy and stylish. They hold their head up high and strut around like they think they are all that and more. Or they use humor to deflect attention to things they don't want people to see. But if you look closely, you can see something in their eyes. It's this thin and transparent wall trying to hide so many fears and doubts. They try to appear confident and sure, maybe many people are fooled into believing they are, but look close enough and you'll see they are far from it.
I think it's safe to say that we all have things about ourselves that we don't like. We all have flaws and insecurities. But on those days when we are able to accept ourselves for all that we are - the good and the bad - and love ourselves without depending on anyone else to validate us; when we are confident in WHO we are instead of what we have, what we look like or what we can offer - those are the days we are most beautiful and sexy.
My wish for each of you today is that you are able to accept and LOVE yourself. Just for today, forget about that crooked nose or those extra 20 lbs you can't seem to shed or the way you snort when you laugh. Forget about the zits, the moles, the scars, the wrinkles... Forget about your thrift store clothes or trying to make sure every last wild hair is sprayed into place. Forget about all your insecurities. If the music moves you - let it *move* you! Get out there and DANCE! If you find joy or humor in something, throw your head back and LAUGH - loud and long - don't hold it in. If you've got a song in your heart, SING it. Don't hold back. And lastly, if you see something in someone else that you like, tell them. Don't worry about how they will take your compliment or if they'll question your motives - just tell them. Sometimes it's those small, seemingly insignificant words of genuine kindness or sincere affirmation that make someone's day. If you think a guy is attractive, tell him. If a girl has a great smile, let her know. And watch how your words transform their face.
It's such a stark contrast to most people I see. There are so many people who are constantly fidgeting, adjusting their clothing, nervously twirling their hair, shoulders hunched, head down. People who are never the first to laugh at a joke or step out on the dance floor or order their food - they follow along to make sure that what they are about to do is met with the approval of their peers. Then there are those with a false air of confidence. They are loud, trendy and stylish. They hold their head up high and strut around like they think they are all that and more. Or they use humor to deflect attention to things they don't want people to see. But if you look closely, you can see something in their eyes. It's this thin and transparent wall trying to hide so many fears and doubts. They try to appear confident and sure, maybe many people are fooled into believing they are, but look close enough and you'll see they are far from it.
I think it's safe to say that we all have things about ourselves that we don't like. We all have flaws and insecurities. But on those days when we are able to accept ourselves for all that we are - the good and the bad - and love ourselves without depending on anyone else to validate us; when we are confident in WHO we are instead of what we have, what we look like or what we can offer - those are the days we are most beautiful and sexy.
My wish for each of you today is that you are able to accept and LOVE yourself. Just for today, forget about that crooked nose or those extra 20 lbs you can't seem to shed or the way you snort when you laugh. Forget about the zits, the moles, the scars, the wrinkles... Forget about your thrift store clothes or trying to make sure every last wild hair is sprayed into place. Forget about all your insecurities. If the music moves you - let it *move* you! Get out there and DANCE! If you find joy or humor in something, throw your head back and LAUGH - loud and long - don't hold it in. If you've got a song in your heart, SING it. Don't hold back. And lastly, if you see something in someone else that you like, tell them. Don't worry about how they will take your compliment or if they'll question your motives - just tell them. Sometimes it's those small, seemingly insignificant words of genuine kindness or sincere affirmation that make someone's day. If you think a guy is attractive, tell him. If a girl has a great smile, let her know. And watch how your words transform their face.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Sunrise
I saw the sunrise the other day for the first time in a long time. It felt like a punch in the gut. Every time I see the sunrise, I am reminded of God's faithfulness. He set the sun in place and the earth in motion and every day the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. It does not depend on us. We don't sit around as the sun goes down at night and worry that it wont rise again. We don't have anxiety over it or spend countless hours praying that God will not forget us tomorrow. The sun always rises. And we simply trust that it will.
But that is a good thing, right? So, why did the sunrise feel like a punch in the gut? Because every time I am reminded of God's faithfulness, I can't help but to revisit my own unfaithfulness. And though I know I am forgiven, I can't help but to feel a twinge of guilt and a sadness knowing that I have disappointed my Father. I know he loves me in spite of my failures, simply because I am his daughter. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. That is my only hope for the future.
But that is a good thing, right? So, why did the sunrise feel like a punch in the gut? Because every time I am reminded of God's faithfulness, I can't help but to revisit my own unfaithfulness. And though I know I am forgiven, I can't help but to feel a twinge of guilt and a sadness knowing that I have disappointed my Father. I know he loves me in spite of my failures, simply because I am his daughter. That, my friends, is what keeps me going. That is my only hope for the future.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Little of This, Little of That
I just finished reading a book that has really made me re-think the way I view God. It is The Shack by William P Young. It's a pretty quick and easy read and I highly recommend it.
A friend of mine just found out she is pregnant. She hasn't had it confirmed by the doc yet, but all the home pregnancy tests are positive. Seems a little too early for me to get excited for her, but I can't help it. She has wanted another one since her youngest was born - and he is six years old. She approached me about 3 or 4 months ago and asked if I would pray for her. She asked if I would pray that either she would be able to have another baby, or that God would take that desire away from her if it wasn't in His plan. I hope for her sake that everything goes well with the pregnancy.
I think I have a date this week. This guy I know has been trying to get me to have dinner with him for a while now. I finally agreed so we are supposed to set something up later this week. We'll see if he follows through. My hopes are NOT up. He's a nice guy though - owns a couple restaurants and bar on the South Hill.
I usually dread checking my mail because practically all I receive is one bill after another after another... Today, I got mail from home - my little brothers all sent their artwork - I'm amazed at their artistic abilities as I can hardly draw a recognizable stick figure. :) It's nice to have some new artwork for the refrigerator. I also received a card from my mom that made me cry. She sent me $10 and wrote that I should go have a cup of coffee and just imagine that she was here drinking it with me. She is so generous. Most people I know give out of their wealth, but my mom gives out of her lack. She doesn't have money and they hardly have any material possessions. But this is who she is. She gives what little she has to someone she thinks needs it more than her. She's given all her furniture away to people who didn't have any, figuring it wasn't a big deal if her and her family had to sit on the floor and eat, instead of around a dining room table or on couches. I haven't always liked that about her, but I know her heart and I pray the Lord blesses her in return. Here is a picture of my mom and all 11 of her children...
Mom (in back), Zackary, Sandra, Heather, Caleb, Litiana, Siga Tabu, Ilaijia, Evan, Cagilaba, Saula & Serau
Well, I'm off to tidy up the apartment before my couchsurfers arrive tomorrow or Wednesday. But I'll leave you with a picture from this weekend since I haven't posted many lately.
It's Jessie, Shannon & Meeeee
A friend of mine just found out she is pregnant. She hasn't had it confirmed by the doc yet, but all the home pregnancy tests are positive. Seems a little too early for me to get excited for her, but I can't help it. She has wanted another one since her youngest was born - and he is six years old. She approached me about 3 or 4 months ago and asked if I would pray for her. She asked if I would pray that either she would be able to have another baby, or that God would take that desire away from her if it wasn't in His plan. I hope for her sake that everything goes well with the pregnancy.
I think I have a date this week. This guy I know has been trying to get me to have dinner with him for a while now. I finally agreed so we are supposed to set something up later this week. We'll see if he follows through. My hopes are NOT up. He's a nice guy though - owns a couple restaurants and bar on the South Hill.
I usually dread checking my mail because practically all I receive is one bill after another after another... Today, I got mail from home - my little brothers all sent their artwork - I'm amazed at their artistic abilities as I can hardly draw a recognizable stick figure. :) It's nice to have some new artwork for the refrigerator. I also received a card from my mom that made me cry. She sent me $10 and wrote that I should go have a cup of coffee and just imagine that she was here drinking it with me. She is so generous. Most people I know give out of their wealth, but my mom gives out of her lack. She doesn't have money and they hardly have any material possessions. But this is who she is. She gives what little she has to someone she thinks needs it more than her. She's given all her furniture away to people who didn't have any, figuring it wasn't a big deal if her and her family had to sit on the floor and eat, instead of around a dining room table or on couches. I haven't always liked that about her, but I know her heart and I pray the Lord blesses her in return. Here is a picture of my mom and all 11 of her children...
Mom (in back), Zackary, Sandra, Heather, Caleb, Litiana, Siga Tabu, Ilaijia, Evan, Cagilaba, Saula & Serau
Well, I'm off to tidy up the apartment before my couchsurfers arrive tomorrow or Wednesday. But I'll leave you with a picture from this weekend since I haven't posted many lately.
It's Jessie, Shannon & Meeeee
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